My time with God is always changing.

I've always had In my mind that time with God has to be done elaborate study session with all peace and quiet first thing in the mornings and if I don't get that done then I'm just a failure for the day and disappointed in myself.. Well that WAS my mentality id say. Because... 

Now my time with God is continuous. It consist of doing my devotion and reading my bible during whenever I get enough time to concentrate during the day. Most of the time it's in the morning after I get going and usually it's with my son in my lap watching Mickey Mouse and I'm either reading a devotion on my bible app or actually reading through my tangible bible using my The color method Pens to study scripture. 

I was doing just as described this morning. I drank my spark and stretched my arms. By the time I looked at the clock it was 7am so I knew if I didn't sit down to get my time in that I would get sidetracked. So in my chair, Brantley in my lap and I was reading in the book of Acts. I have finally realized that if I go to the bible with a humbled childlike spirit of faith that I can really read it as a story and understand it. 

I use to try to read the bible and just read fast to say I read for the day but now I long to read and learn. It's not always easy to do just this because my ADD mind gets so distracted if I lose my focus. 

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy quiet time and some mornings I'm able to get up before B awakes and have personal time with the Lord. But I quit setting my expectations so high because when I wouldn't reach them I would get discouraged. God does not want us to be discouraged. Definitely not while trying to honor and please him. He wants us to keep it simple. And so that leads to PRAYER! 

Prayers are heard when you immediately start praying. Whether you are in a closet, on your knees, cooking dinner, driving or just piddling around during the day. They don't have to be elaborate or fancy or in any certain voice! Thanks to Joyce Meter for teaching me this and helping me see the power in just praying! 

The bible says to pray without ceasing and to pray continuously.. 1 Thess 5:18

This is how I approach my prayer life now. I pray all day anytime and anywhere! I pray a lot in my car to start my day. Sometimes it's a long prayer and sometimes it's just to thank God for what he's doing in my life. I say this to say that praying is how we communicate and talk with God! Just treat Him like your family or friend and speak to him. When you think about something specific or someone, stop and pray for them. Don't say you will do it later because more than likely you will forget. 

My biggest peeve which I am guilty of is saying I'm praying for you to someone needing or asking for prayers. We can get into the habit of saying this but without action. So when I say this to someone whether through, text, fb or in person I will try my best to say a prayer for them right then! The last thing I wang to be is a sayer and not a doer! 

Hope this helps you on your path to growing spiritually as this writing is helping me learn and grow with my relationship with Jesus. We are all striving for the same thing. His Grace and his mercy. It can only be found through his Word and by prayer. 

God bless. ❤️

Breaking free from these chains. A war with Depression.

Its a Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday and I sit here reading and keeping my mind busy while my sweet boy takes a nap. Its been a very rocky, rough, jagged, crooked week. The kind of week that makes me want to run and hide and never come back. Nothing selfish or anything like that but simply just the reality of what my mind and body are going through and have been going through this past year, and for the course of my entire year. We sang this song at church Sunday and tears just welled up in my eyes and my heart trembled during during the entire song. Its by Mercy Me and called God with US.

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That's worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release from the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing

[Chorus]
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid
These chains are gone
Emmanuel God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

You can download it on iTunes or listen to it on Pandora. It plays often on K Love radio which is what I tune into everyday because I believe that its very important about what we feed our minds. Every now and again I listen to another local radio station to just hear some beats or catch a running jam. Anyhoo... where was I? Yes this week. 

Im 6 days away from court again. Court being a hearing with a new judge in the county and regarding motions my attorney filed to get the state disqualified and off of my case. I still don't understand all of the legal jargon nor have I attempted to much understand it because I didn't go to school to be a lawyer I got a degree in nursing and that's where my knowledge will always be. That's just how I feel about that.

For months now I have suffered from aches and pains really in my neck and shoulders, unexplained weakness in my muscles and tingling in my feet.  I went to the chiropractor because I longed so much to feel better and get back to normal. Well its been a few months of regular visits and im doing great in his eyes but the pain and misery are still there. He suggested I go see a dr because clinically his work is benefiting me according to my muscles and neck and alignment, per say. Well I didn't bother telling him that the stress in my life is contributing to life altering circumstances and that I had a nervous breakdown on the way to his office that Monday morning. No I just kept it all in and told him that I think stress is just to blame for all my muscle tension. I agreed to go to the dr. Matter of fact I had decided that once I leave his office im going to my NP office friend and seeing if she can help me figure out why I hurt so bad and can barely function in the mornings and hold my head up. During the initial visit with the nurse she probably thinks I'm nuts. Crying. Explaining my pain, heart racing, anxiety etc. She said sounds like depression... Well no duh Sherlock I've known I've been dealing with that for months now.. Years actually.. But to me that was just emotional stuff.. More of a mental type situation. Not physical.. My vital signs were perfect of course. They are just gonna think I'm losing my mind I thought. The nurse left and I cried again. Lord please help me. 

A few minutes later my friend comes in. Such a sweet spirit she is. She taught me in nursing school and I knew she was always going to be a blessing to me I just never knew how. Here I am in her office again just falling apart. My mind is tired. I just start crying and tell her I'm at the end and I don't know how much more I can stand. I'd rather go to check in to pine grove than to keep feeling this way. I explained all my pain, tiredness worry of stuff being wrong and my increase in anxiety. Midst the court date coming I knew that how I felt is different than ever. And it was. She showed me this chart. And that's when I realized it's all in my head but now it's become real and im living my emotions.

You see for years I've thought as depression as a mental illness. I've ran from it. Dealt with it but most importantly thought I understood it. Today I was wrong. No mri, no blood test nothing like that could address my problem. I'm in the green according to the diagram and to me that means I've hit rock bottom. I feel like I've lost myself. My sanity is up in the air and im just floating around this world. I looked at her and said I get it now. She prayed. I cried and soon my visit ended. Dr visit turned therapy session and free at that. God surely knows how to open my eyes. 

Yet my eyes still weren't open. I was so down that the light couldn't be seen. I went through the motions of my day but I struggled to pick my head up and could barely enjoy playing with B. B was my hero. He's my shining light and always brings such joy to me as being his mama does. But even that was lost. My body aches in pain. Im drained emotionally and physically. There isn't enough spark in the world right now to help wake me up!! So I went to bed praying for a miracle and so so tired and needing to sleep. 

Today I woke up feeling different but not better. Everything I did was intentional and prayed upon to just help me do better and feel better. 

Every Tuesday I drop B off at school and head to clean a friends house. I arrived as usual and decided instead of music that I would listen to my podcasts today like I normally do. I just felt the need to do so. 

Halfway through my second christian podcast which is based on a woman's personal testimony with depression I hear them say that when something is awesome around the corner that's when Satan is at his best to destroy you and that when you call out to God in prayer that it goes straight to the thrown of the Lord. I cried and looked up and said okay God I see this now. 

I may be battling depression because depression is a real live living thing. But my battle is much more than that. My battle is with evil. Satan who is main goal is to seek and destroy goes after those that he knows God is going to use and has plans for. This my friend is my battle. I may be experiencing a deep depression and feeling the physical pain and symptoms of it but it's only temporary! Satan is trying to use it to distract me. He wants me sad down and discouraged because he wants me to be apart from our God. But today I made a stand! I accept this depression as only temporary.  Because these feelings won't last and a victory is on its way! The closer we get to this victory the harder the enemy works to bring me down. He's using all these lies about me, my life, my healthy my marriage and anything surrounding be that I love and treasure. 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)"

But this to shall pass! God is good and he died to set me free from this pain and sorrow! 

I end with these two quotes because they speak truth! 

Thank you for joining me on this journey and bearing with my bipolar mind to get my thoughts out in some kind of order but being led by the spirit! 

If you are interested in the podcast I listened to today you can find it here at http://godcenteredmom.com/2015/04/13/a-naptime-diary-jessi-connolly-ep-68/

















 

Running a race with my mind.

The Monday of Feb 24th 2014 I had previously gone to the dr that morning because I just didn't feel like myself. I felt off. I was feeling down and at the moment didn't have the reason to feel the way I did. My marriage was going through another rough patch but I just thought it was me or something... My dr mentioned a mood disorder bc he had been seeing me a while now and noticed a pattern of symptoms i verbalized and struggled with... Bipolar?? Ha I just blew that off. IMPOSSIBLE!!

7-8 months later after numerous and sometimes weekly christian counseling sessions to just help keep my sanity I was bombarded with the idea of my reactions and moods being somewhat predictable and more noticeable. Being a child of a bipolar, depressed mother and having a brother who was bi polar I knew that what I was hearing was probably true but I seriously just wanted to run the other direction. I'm 29 years old. I'm a mother and a wife. Now I'm crazy I thought. I agreed to go see a dr that specializes with this and regardless of how much it cost I knew God would provide a way. 

All the feelings of what I feared came rushing in. I questioned my husband, best friend, mother in law, and another close friend. They all confirmed noticeable moods and periods of time where im up and down. I needed help. God will get me through this. I'll see the dr and try some medicine and go from there. I was terrified. Mental illness defined my mother and I refused to let it define me. 

On top of everything I had going on in my life I felt like I was falling apart. One day Id have all the energy in the world and the next day I could cry and just want to sleep. Once I realized what I was diagnosed with I started paying more attention. Wow at how this has impacted my life. Looking back I now see why I made some of the choices in my life. The times when life was best I was going through the "hypomanic" phase. Working out everyday, enjoying work, staying busy and productive. I had energy and did all the things I had wanted to accomplish. There was a dark side to this manic phase I now see so clear. My mid twenties the choices I made dating and with men were impulsive and random. I spent money and maxed out my credit cards. I would call in to work if I didn't feel like going and so on. I see that now and understand why I jumped around always looking for happiness and satisfaction. 

The dark side... The depression. The haunted memories of the nightmare I was living in. The childhood memories and nightmares of my mom dying in my arms. All these hit deep and periods of time I was so down all I could do was sleep. 

That was then. The now is that im a wife and mother and you can't just sleep bc your sad. When the darkness comes it comes with a vicious thorn. A dark cloud that tries to steal the joy in my life that God is placing in my life. Still no matter what I do I just can't snap out of it.. These moments suck. They drain my energy and I feel so worthless. I feel during these times I fail as a mom. That im so distracted that I miss all the good moments.. 

5 months later taking medicine regularly im happy to say that I've found a balance. It's not easy and daily it's a struggle. But with God I can function and through medication and consistent council I feel stronger emotionally. I feel that the distractions of impulse and sadness have minimized. 

I no longer look at myself as crazy but as a woman with obstacles in life and living with bipolar disorder. There is nothing I can do about it. This is just another sped bump in my life page and it to will pass. The Lord is my strength and refuge. I take confort in this. I'm a hot mess most days but I can get control and live as normal as possible. I eat healthy regularly and exercise 4-6 days a week. This helps so much! 

A long year and a bucket of tears.

It's been some time between my last post on my "situation" but rightfully so. Writing has allowed me to process this all in the right manner but it's stirred up some emotions at the same time. I'm not the person I want to be right now but I'm definitely not that same woman on that Monday afternoon either. 

The past year has been the hardest in my life. I'm finally at a place of somewhat peace because I know my Heavenly Father has already fought my battle and the debt has been paid. This Easter means far more to me than the other 29 years of my life. It's like I finally just get it! I was sitting in church Sunday for our Easter service choir time and every song just spoke deep to my heart. My eyes welled up with tears I kept choking back. 

This is it. There really is God and he sent his son to live on this earth for some 33 years and experienced every heart ache and pain that we live in this world today. 

Christ was crucified for me! Me?? Out of this entire world He died so that all my sins would be forgiven and I would be free. How just incredible is that. My favorite stories in the bible come Matthew and John with each description of Jesus's death and ressurection but in Luke it says "Forgive them father for they not know what they do." Soon after Jesus died there in front of so many that loved him and so many that hated him. B

Luckily he did all of that so that as I write you here today I can say that I've prayed the same prayer and that I've forgiven those who have accused me of such horrific acts and those who have snared comments during my public humiliation. If they don't know you then they know not what they have done. That in return I pray for them. I pray for those that have done me wrong, lied about me, been cruel and unkind, mocked me and that have not been supportive. I forgive them all. I forgive them because I have been forgiven. 

Sunday in church was my ah ha moment where I said okay God I understand this now. What a beautiful day it was. All of this taken place in my heart and soul and it just fills my body and mind with joy and peace to hide and overcome the anger, frustration and bitterness that harbors deep within me. This week I reflect on what my Savior did for me and how blessed we are in this chaotic crazy evil world. Tragedy can surround me but it's the "peace that transcends all understanding" that helps my heart Be Still and know that He is God! 

The struggle is real. Binge eating and starving is no way to deal.

I have posted things on fb but I feel like this could relate to so many others! This is real life! Obstacles make us who we are today! God allows trials in our life to turn us closer to him!

Repost from journaling last summer. So its just been updated.

Transparency.... Wow this going to be hard!
1 : something transparent ; especially : a picture (as on film) viewed by light shining through it or by projection 2 : the quality or state of being transparent

This post is by far hard for me to do. I will not tolerate any negative comments so if u have them keep them to yourself!

My life has been turned upside down this year. Many of you know my personal story but many of you don't know my inner struggle. My entire life I have battled an eating disorder and had the biggest desire to just fit in. My mother died of a heart attack at 37 from obesity and my dad was 49 and died of heart attack bc he was an alcoholic. I chose to be a registered nurse to help save lives and keep people from making those same mistakes and losing their life. After my mom died I started not eating. I was always the fat kid in school and the year she died in 2000 I lost 60 pounds in 3 months by starving myself. I battled for years with an eating disorder. Secretly I battled something called binge eating. But for the past few years I have learned to be healthier and the past year since Advocare in my life I finally grasped the concept of consistency and health and wellness. Saying that... Well we are human. After some life changing events earlier this year the Devil took hold of my weakness and in 2 months what I had worked so hard to get to and achieve was lost and I found myself in a deep dark hole. Apparently I do well at hiding this. I found myself binge eating in secrecy and the biggest trail of guilt followed. I knew I was gaining weight. Stress had me a a hault. Emotionally hurt mentally tired and in a state if depression I hid. I fought it. I honestly did. I tried attempted several cleanses and challenges. Nothing. I was mentally not focused. It was not until over 4 almost 5 6 months ago I came to the conclusion that if this didn't change ASAP I was headed in a bad place. I admitted to my husband my weakness and the truth. Not easy. This was where my journey of learning to fully trust in The Lord to guide and direct my path bc I no longer could control my life. Binging was my way of feeling in control. But instead I was losing control.

It's been almost 6 months now that I've committed and surrendered to change. Not only for myself but for my family and 2 year old little boy that is my world. I completed the cleanse with great results! I fit back into my shorts by success school! That was big to me! So this is my transparent moment! With the encouragement of my husband and wonderful friends I declare myself free from the secret any longer.
The above picture was me in may at my leaders and friends Diamond ceremony back in May 2014. I was disgusted with myself, binge eating in secrecy and depressed from life circumstances and tried to stay away from the camera. The picture below was taking today and at SS two weeks ago! This is the real me! 5-6 days a week of hard core workouts, eating clean and learning to be happy in my body that God gave me! With the help of #advocare products and consistency and determination my life has turned around. God has blessed me so much not only with my amazing business and the chance to impact hundred of lives but that being honest, humble, transparent and full of integrity is what true life is about! We can't control our life but we are the variable to a solution and can choose to make a Change. 

Why am I posting this? Because everyone needed to know the truth! I help people on a daily basis and I truly love what I do! But we are human! My body was triggered by stress and this is reality! I did not fail! I picked myself up and took action! God has brought me too far to let anything tear me apart! Don't for one second ever think you are not worthy to be different! YOU have the power to change the world! But the change starts within YOU! I could have stayed depressed and angry but a wise man once said "depression cannot be planted in a great full persons heart!" Andy Andrews . Never spoken so true! Pick yourself up! Dust yourself off and become more! I have a ways to go but I'm getting closer each day!! We were born to be CHAMPIONS!! I am a Champion! They say transparency can change the world! Just imagine what would happen if everyone owned up to themselves and dared to succeed!

Fast forward to where I am now. Breaking through depression and life with exercise and a healthy lifestyle! No more secrets just living life one day at a time and slow progress is good progress to me. Going from a size 18 in 2013 to a size 10 healthy and leaner than I have ever been in my life. Its easier for me to turn to food as comfort but I know that only leads to a disaster and more weight gain. My main battle is stress and the weight gain from stress is a very real situation. I will continue to overcome it with clean eating, Versus and running. Im not where I was but I am definitely not where I use to be and for that im truly thankful. God created me in his image and my responsibility is to love my body and take care of it. So my main goal is to be HEALTHY! Not to focus on the scale or numbers. Even though they do get me excited. Fitting into all my clothes again in my closet has never felt so good. I don't need to go shopping because I have brand new clothes in my closet I have waited to wear for over a year!!! YAY.

 

 

The above picture is me 20 pounds lighter this past weekend at a 5k race with some friends.  The picture to the right is me 2 years ago at a 5k race wearing the same tank top and 25 pounds heavier. Granted I still carried baby weight but it was no excuse. It was just a few months later that I discovered and was introduced to Advocare. It is no miracle diet but simply just a jump start to a cleaner lifestyle while be fueled by some world class nutrition that is safe and absolutely amazing. No more starving myself or binge eating at night when everyone goes to bed. Its forever changed my outlook with food and nutrition. Along with Versus AT and our outside bootcamp style workouts! KILLER!!

With some strong faith and hope in Jesus he has provided such blessings in my life!

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:10-13 NIV)"

This too is just another part of my bipolar mind and all the changes and actions that come with living with this illness. Its definitely contributed to my weight gain and mood changes along the way. But the ultimate decisions fall in my hands.

 

The nightmare of losing my mom.

I miss my mama.

14 years ago on the morning of Sept 24th I lost my mama. She died in my arms and had I known that was the last time to hold on to her I would have never let go. The visions of that morning never get easier. It stays in the back of my head. This year is harder than most bc my heart is already aching. The memories of that morning vivid as ever. I was 15 years old and my mom collapsed in my arms. I was alone with my 2 little brothers. I called 911 and started CPR. I had no idea what I was doing but I did what I had seen in movies to help others live. I tried to save my mamas life. I fought as hard as I knew and told the lady on the phone what I was doing until the paramedics got their. I’ll never forget thinking she’s just asleep and she will wake up as they carried her out on a stretcher with something strange in her mouth. They handed me her jewelry and I won’t ever forget that smell. Loaded up on the ambulance I’m praying that I’ll see my mama when I get to the hospital. My bday the time had a truck and we rushed behind the ambulance as u called my nana and told them what happened. 11:07am I believe it was that the shrill of my nAna in the ER on the floor on her knees saying “no God not my baby”. I feel like part of me was lost that day. Was I in a bad dream? My mama is suppose to be here until the end of time. God why is this happening to me? I need my mama. Thoughts of a 15 year old girl that day. 14 years later the images appear just as vivid than ever. I know God took my mama home to save her from pain and heartache and he saved our lives. Life was hard growing up. But he paved a new direction for us after she passed away. I miss her so much. Her laughs and jokes and importantly her hugs and love. Never take the ones you love for granted and never take your life for granted. The trials in my life are not even close to the trial that our Savior Jesus Christ sufferered and died for us on the Cross. Every trial there is a blessing. “And that’s not all. We are full of joy even when we suffer. We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on. The strength to go on produces character. Character produces hope.” Romans 5:3-4 

Humbled through humility. Be still my soul part 4

The next day I went to meet with my manager and corporate administration at my current employer and just explained to them the situation and with a huge feeling of sadness turned in my resignation. The good thing about that meeting is they told me to come back after everything was over and I could have my job back. I thanked them as tears rolled down my face and left after giving a few dear coworkers hugs and said goodbye. 

I returned home and had been on the phone a lot that morning. Suddenly at 1pm my attorney called me and gave me the news that I just wanted to crumble to. The state had released a press statement and our local news channel had called the sheriffs department to get info. This was what I had tried to prevent! I wanted this to stay away from the public and protect my family's name. 

One hour later and I received a phone call from my best friend telling me to delete my fb account bc it had gone viral. Just within minutes a news article had struck my hometown and had just been blasted everywhere. News stations all over the country had received access and my face and name had then been crushed. Humiliation filled my heart and soul. I cried... I screamed.. Angry and hurt. Just flat out hurt to have such harsh words spoken about me and attacking my own personal characters! Not to mention the info was second handed and missing some key details. But hey news sales right?? 

That day I couldn't keep up with the calls and texts and visits from friends and family. More support than I had ever imagined. The prayers that washed over us and filled my heart again. 

I knew this journey was just getting started and I knew the only way I would survive was turning to God and letting the Holy Spirit completely take hold of my life. 

It says in his word that with humility brings wisdom and that is surely true and I will start to share everything I've encountered over the past year. Join me for this roller coaster of a ride and listen and learn how God has taken such a tragic event and given me many blessings and opportunities that are just en route to his master plan. 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. They hurt only if you allow them too. I've decided to stand my ground. Stand firm in faith and push forward. 

Goodnight and God bless.