Double minded. Random thoughts of a manic depressive.

It's taken me a lot of courage to speak out about living life with bi polar. Scared of what people may think and how people will see me afterwards. But how can I bring awareness to mental health by living in a bubble. 

Living in the funk is what I call it. There really is no balance. Life can change in a matter of seconds and your happy cheerful mood is replaced with feeling blah and blue. There is a pretty consistent pattern of highs and lows yet sometimes you are plagued with an Intolerable amount of negative emotions. 

Here I am now. Faced with the dark cloud. It's come over me like a thunderstorm on a summer day. It was just sunshine and blue skies outside. Why must I feel this way? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't get a grip. Sinking further and further down. It's days like these that I wish I could stay in bed. But instead I have to put on my happy face and get out in the world. Days like the past few days where I don't know who I am. I feel yuck. Struggling. To hold my eyes open bc the negative emotion drains me and I feel exhausted mentally. 

I drag myself up and down outta bed every night to comfort crying babies. Lord are you sure this is the life for me I ask? I tear up from all the screaming.. Crying babies overwhelm my mind. But I stay strong and comfort them back to sleep. One at a time. Then comes morning.. 

Another day.. Another day to come where I drag myself out of bed. Lacking the energy and motivation I need to get up. I'm seriously wishing I could just wrap myself in a bubble right now. But I'm a mom, a wife and advocate for life. I must get up and put on my happy face. If only I could find my happy place in life again. I know this won't last long. But it seems like forever. I. Can't. Even. Think. Straight. 

You see bipolar type 2 is known for its depressive state. The highs and lows fluctuate even being on medication it still fluctuates. Things would be alot worse if I wasn't on meds you see. Most of the time when we here bipolar with think of a crazy person going off the deep end. A person of mood shifts and angry outburst, tons of relationships and impulsive spending. This however describes the manic part of bipolar. We don't hear a lot of the depression associated with being diagnosed with such disorder. But for me the depression is what I'm hit hard with. It happens for NO REASON! Coming every couple of weeks. The battle is real and without warning..

Life suffers when I am faced with this episode. That's what it is an episode. It is short lived but heavily onset. Going from highly motivated to sluggish and slow to role all within a matter of minutes. 

How to deal? I pray a lot and talk to the Lord. I get my strength from Him to endure the challenging times ahead. I rely on my devotions to uplift me. I surround myself with positive motivated people. I lean on close friends to speak life to me. I'm not very verbal about it but those that are around me know when this strikes. I let things go that I'm normally on top of. Laundry piles up. My house is a hot mess..(well hot mess for normal) I don't wash my hair for days and I avoid mirrors at all cost. The struggle with losing baby weight is high on my radar so it's a big disaster some days. I just wake up each day with a decision to over come the what seems like impossible state of mind. I exercise daily and always start out dreading it but leave feeling accomplished. My diet has a lot to do with the severity of my depression too. If I eat high fat, carb overload and unhealthy stuff I feel weighed down. But if my diet is wholesome my mood is elevated some. I try to get good sleep at night but with the twins that's near impossible since moving them to their beds. I choose to recognize and cope. I deal with the emotions running through my mind. Some days I recluse to my house. I'm quiet to talk and you may not hear from me for days. I tune out life. 

It's a battle. But it's not what defines me. I'm only human and sometimes life is just messed up. We are dealt the cards but how we choose live regardless of obstacles says a lot about our inner integrity and character. 

For now I drink my spark and  get dressed for the day to come! It's Wednesday and today is spin! I have folks counting on me to motivate! It keeps me going! 

Here's to random thoughts and living a double minded kinda life. I wonder how many others struggle with this bc it's frowned upon in society to even discuss it out loud. 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness. That's a lot of people! Becoming aware of our emotions and not being controlled by them is what we can do to be different! Being supportive to one another and realizing that sometimes just having an understanding ear is all that person needs. 

For now I'll continue fighting the lowest of lows and striving to make it to the top of the mountain! Today I'll be me! The best version of me I can be. 

If you love to read articles and blogs you will love this new app!

So with me being new to this writing and blogging world I'm learning that it's a whole new world! I've discovered this new app that you can download and use on your phone! It's really cool and you are one read or share away from your favorite article! Post are shared daily from popular blogs so this is just a way for you to connect even more and support those writing for whatever cause it may be! 

It's called bloglovin and you can search and follow some of the most popular or 

Personal blogs that are in the blogging world. Here's the link blogger.com and you can download the app from the App Store! 

Check out my blog and follow me on this new found journey! Http:/bloglovin.com/sunsetgrace! 

Thanks and God Bless your weekend! 

Everyday is a new day. Our mind is a war zone.Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Each day we wake up is a day to make a difference. We choose automatically with our mind the day we are going to have and the attitude we will way.

Literally our mind is a battlefield. Joyce Meyer has a book called Battlefiekd if the mind. She talks about how we control our thoughts and how the more we dwell on the good the more good things will happen.

How we think determines our day. So depressed, sad, angry or happy you wake up and choose. It may be a struggle and fight within but you can overcome the negative. Some mornings I have to pry myself out of bed and pray even before getting up to have a good attitude and positive energy. It's just being intentional with how we think. Crazy right?? 

"Be careful what you think about. The more you think about good things, the better your life will seem. The more you think about Jesus Christ and the principles He taught, the more you become like Jesus and the stronger you grow. And as you grow, you win the battle for your mind." Joyce Meyer

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. (Psalm 40:1-3 NIV)

The scripture is David's cry out to the Lord and how He delivered him and placed new thoughts in his mouth. Because what we feed our mind will come out of our mouths and from our hearts. 

So focus on the good and really pay attention to what you think about during the day. If you find yourself running astray just pray that God will give you abounding grace to fill your heart and mind with a good spirit and accept Christ like thoughts. Immediately you will notice the difference. Satan attacks us most when we are seeking the will of God for our lives. So pray outloud and declare Gods presence and he will Flee as it Says in James. 

We must first submit and take up our cross and go before our father. 

What are you thinking about today? How is your attitude? 

Stay positive and God Bless! 

Sometimes all you need is a Xanax and some Jesus.

Humor me a bit. We are humans and we do live in a society that frowns upon medication and would rather hide behind social media and painted on smiles in their perfectly portrayed family portraits. But let me just be real with you for a moment.. Life happens to all of us. To the degree of difficulty varies by person but I don't think in anyway is that a coincidence. It's all part of the master plan. 

I love fb and Instagram and I love staying in touch with friends and family and seeing their post. But we only post the happy moments and sometimes those moments are when we are in the most pain. 

There are things in life that happen and go farther beyond our control. You can't dwell on them though bc that's when your struggle, worry and fear become sin bc you let them control your life. 

Another thing that's frowned upon is mental illness. People avoid it like the plague. I know because I was one of those people. You said depression or anxiety and I ran like the wind. Of course I've been through hard times but I'm not sick. Ha story of my life. God did create us in his perfect image but we are not perfect nor will we ever be. Now I'm living with depression and bipolar type 2 disorder.( that's a whole other topic) 

Today is always an off day for me. Any day with court involved, legal jargon spoken or emails from my attorney always throw me off. I can pray all day and night but I know the kind of day I will have regardless. It's just a peaceful cloudy kinda day. 

Doesn't make sense does it? But does to me because all the prayers give. To me are what get me through these days. Nothing magical just the power of prayer. 

" not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, (Romans 12:11-12 NASB)"

Prayer is the best medicine that I've ever had! But reality of the entire situation is that my body trembles, my knees get weak and my heart races so hard that I can barely breathe. This is called anxiety. It really does exist and it happens before something stressful. So... There is power in some Xanax too! I say it to lighten the mood. Yes I have a prescription and yes I take it regularly. 

We are so scared to admit our faults. We are scared to say that we take medication and expect God to just take care of everything but that's not exactly how it works. He created medication to help us sometimes permanently but sometimes short term. Can we just accept the fact that life happens and happens to us! Because God loves us right where we are and continues to do so. 

Just thought I would break the ice and say that if you are battling depression, anxiety or bipolar or some other form of mental illness that you are still a child of God and he still loves you. Things just may be different for you and how you cope may be a lot different than others. 

Don't run from it anymore it just hurts you and those around you. Embrace who you are with what you have! 

For now I'll continue to pray continuously and take my Xanax as I need it! Praise the Lord for them both! He wants us to live smart! Not run around like a dog chasing its tail on the never ending emotional cycle! 

I can't imagine experiencing all I've gone through today and this past year without either! 

I'm a broken hot mess. Be still my soul

I am by no means wanting to be a professional or try to compete in the writing world. I am however, wanting to share my own personal story. The story of struggles from being a mom of a 3 year old, a wife and a woman chasing after Gods heart amidst life and the crazy days that are thrown at us. 

For now I want to tell you where I am. I'm definitely not where I was but surely not where I want to be. However I know I'm where God has placed be in this exact moment and I have grown to accept that. 

I live in a tangible world of uncertainty. A world I hope no one I love ever has to partake in. My days come and go and sometimes the only thing I remember that day is praying and the laughs from my sweet boy. Those days I treasure. I see life so differently after the events of this past year. For so long I was on both sides of the fence. But now I'm on Gods side and this is where I will forever stay. 

My mind is somewhere between numb and peaceful and some days I can't slow my thoughts down. Oh to be just normal again I think.. 

Define normal. 

Happy family and a white picket fence? Oh stars no! We all perceive things in a different way. Some people perceive the events in my life as a tragic life altering situation. They are politically correct but the situation has not altered my perception. It's helped me have clarity. Clarity about what you ask? What are these events you speak of? Oh friend I will get to them. Right now im just unleashing the cloud of random thoughts in my mind as I sit here and unwind my day. 

This is what we do as moms and busy women. We need to unwind the craziness. Sadly many won't take the time to do so but I don't want to be i. That group anymore. I just want to rambl. Until I can finally start making sense. Until then... Think on this.