Beauty from ashes

I sit here in the stillness of the early morning. I sit here reflecting and praising my Lord. My what a year it has been and it's almost coming to an end. I am filled with such a thankful heart and a soul of gratitude. Something tugging at my heartstrings to just write again. In the midst of life's chaos, changing diapers and chasing a 4 year old I don't get much time to collect my thoughts enough to write these days. But I do EVERY SINGLE MORNING wake up to study His word and have quiet time before anyone in my house wakes up. It may be 3,4 or 5am but I arise to have my heart and mind strengthened for the day. 

Some days get so chaotic that it's like I've forgotten about that time I woke up to. I'll get I'll tempered, frustrated and find myself filled and consumed with the worry and doubts of life. But it's in the stillness of mornings like this that I can find my center and refill my soul with His  word. So back to reflection....

I don't even know where to start. This time last Christmas I was big as a house carrying two babies that were to me, Gods Promises. At the time I lived in a world filled with uncertainty of their future. Would they be born to a life of freedom? Would their mom be part of their life? Would they be born into a world of chaos? Life was like living on the edge. It was a rollercoaster of a ride. If you aren't familiar with my story look back on my blog and read The verdict. 

A new year began in 2016 full of faith and hope. These were two things in my life that were secure and unwavering. No one could take these away from me. The devil certainly tried but I stood firm with my feet planted on the ground. I was surrounded in life by people that loved me. People that prayed over me, fought for me and had hope in things not seen. They kept me grounded. My family and friends, well the friends that I had gained over the past 2 years, stood by my side in some of the darkest days yet to come. 

February 16 crept up on me like a snail in the dirt. My living nightmare was coming to face me like a giant. 35 weeks pregnant with twins I walked into a courtroom facing the fears that struck me like lightening during a rain storm. 3 days of witnesses, evidence, or lack of is say, and motions that were just foreign to me, passed by with a blur. Media blasted me in the local newspaper. I faced each day listening to I trust in You by lauren Daigle. It gave me strength to face my giants. 

February 19th came, the day of judgement. I came in that morning and just glared at the jury, fear struck me and my body went numb. Contractions were a lot more frequent this morning but according to the day before, my dr appt went smooth and I had not progressed one centimeter. I came prepared that morning to speak and give my testimony, but God had other plans. He had placed it on my attorneys heart apparently to take a different approach. I would no longer be speaking. Filled with relief and anguish at the same time I sighed a release of breath. The morning was long. So very long. After lunch came closing statements and by 3pm the jury would return to their room to decide the fate of my case. However I knew that this battle was already fought. Because the Lord promised to go before me. 

5pm came. There was a knock. The answer was here. As I type this right now my body still shakes and trembles as I remember my emotions that very moment. Everything went quiet. The verdict had been handed to the judge. I couldn't tell by his expression. My heart was racing. I held on to my belly, praying, trembling with fear. Here it goes. The clerk Martin had it in his hands and as he read NOT GUILTY. I could hear the sighs and cries from afar. I buried my face in my hands. Tears flowed down my face. It's over. It's really over Lord. Two words changed my life forever. I gave my attorney the biggest hug of thank you and proceeded to find my family and was greeted with tears and hugs. Friends and family filled the courtroom that day and I'll never forget the love and support that week. 

Of course I was found to be the on the front page of the paper that weekend. But this time I rejoiced and my heart praised Him. My father in law told me this was his most favorite picture of me. I couldn't look at it long bc emotions raged within. I was still in awe and shock of it all. I couldn't sleep for a few nights but finally got rest a few nights later. A night of sleep to recover what the past 3 years had taken away from me. 

This friends is Mercy. This was a second chance to live a life not taken for granted. This was a new beginning. I would never be the same person again. I was redeemed and forever grateful. 

As I continue to reflect.... The blessings just poured in. 

We welcomed our baby girls Kennedy MAE and Kailyn Ruth March 7, 2016. Healthy baby, healthy mama. They were perfect. They were my gifts from the Lord. His promises fulfilled. My life would never be the same. They immediately brough such joy to our lives. 

It's rumored that God won't place more on you than you can handle. However this is a false statement. Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days and SATAN tempted Him 3 times. But Jesus stood firm on the Word of God. Life will throw us curveballs. Life will be unbearable and you WILL be given more than you can handle or bear. It's at that moment in weakness that He makes you strong. On days when you feel you can't go on He picks you up and carries you. He carried me for 3 years. Not a day went by that I got up and walked alone. He too, will carry you my friend. All we have to do is Ask! On to more reflecting... 

In May a dear friend of mine asked me about my nursing license and if I planned on returning to work. I laughed at the thought and didn't think one second of working with so much on my plate. Parenting twins is no joke! But something in the back of my mind had me start the process of reinstating my license. I figured it would be an easy process but boy was I wrong. After phone calls, emails and letters from my attorney, the board of nursing finally responded. It was some months later we received the date of October 11th for a hearing regarding my license. I was advised I didn't have to be present for that day. It was gonna be Another few months of waiting. 

After having the girls in March I went into a state of hypomania. You see I'm a manic depressant and no I'm not ashamed. Mental illness has a history in my family. My mom and brother both suffered from this disorder. However they don't and didn't have the self awareness that I've got. I choose to get help and treatment. For 3 months I stayed busy and active and nonstop from teaching spin, cleaning houses and caring for my family. But something changed. Boy did it change. July came and towards the end of the month a huge cloud of darkness plagued me. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I had dealt with depression before but this was different. This went on for weeks and only got worse. I wouldn't shower for days or wash my hair. I had no strength for the gym and quit going altogether for the month of august. I completely shut down. I didn't want to take care of my family nor the girls. I wanted to just crawl into a hole and sleep. But I couldn't do that. So much now is a blur bc I wasn't in my right state of mind. September came and the darkness was too much to bear. Everyone around me was worried. I didn't know how much longer I could go on like this. I tried numbing the pain but it just came back stronger. I sought treatment September 15th for a couple of days to gain my life back. The longest few days ever. But God had already worked out the details. He was with me and my family that week. He stirred in my heart. I never quit praying and having my quiet time during those dark times. 

Bipolar depression and post partum depression are no joke. Combined led to a hot mess. I felt so ashamed bc here I was free from chains and blessed with beautiful babies yet I couldn't shake this darkness. So many people suffer in silence. Ashamed to get help or reach out to someone they trust. I knew that if I didn't get help that I'd become another statistic and I knew in my heart that was not Gods plan. I was battling a physical and emotional and spiritual battle. I turned to Ephesians 6 many days in order to fight this battle. Many days of healing would take place before I'd regain myself again. 

I started walking soon after and found it to be the best medicine. It made me feel alive again and gave me energy. I finally returned to the gym at the end of September. It was a gradual process. I was still battling my inner demons of self image and losing this baby weight. But the first step to health is becoming more active. Surrounding yourself with upbeat positive people is the second step. Back to reflecting... 

October 11th finally came. I heard nothing. The following day.. nothing. 

Thursday morning October 13th I received an email from my attorney. The board of nursing had granted my request for reinstatement!  Praise the Lord!!! I was filled with excitement! That night I began looking at jobs just for the fun of it. No plan in sight. So I began the process online to get my license back. During my legal situation it had been temporarily suspended pending the verdict. They granted my license back with no restrictions nor discipline. This was such a blessing and another answered prayers. My patience had grown stronger and stronger. 

Finally after weeks of waiting in November the Tuesday before thanksgiving I Checked the website one more time. To my surprise there it was. The word "ACTIVE" registered nurse. Oh to see those words. I stood amazed and in awe at Gods timing. 

A few weeks back I had applied and sent in my resume into a company called Forward Health Solutions. Remember my friend back in May that had asked about me going back to work and what was going on with my license?? Well She's the reason I even had the back thought of what if. For the past 6 months or so they had been interviewing people for a part time position but had yet to fill this position. She had suggested to me to send in my resume and the following Monday I received a phone call. Followed by an interview I soon accepted the job offer. This was all Gods timing. They accepted me for who I was and my past didn't affect what the Lord had planned. He had led me to this place and was working out the details. Thank you Deanna for remaking faithful and persistent in nudging me in the right direction. Had you never mentioned nursing as an option back in May I'd never have initiated the process to regain my career. I'm so thankful for you and these new beginnings! 

I've sat here for the past two hours writing to you and rambling. I've reflected on some of life's biggest moments for me this year. Looking back everything has been like a puzzle and all the pieces fit where they belong. I may not be exactly where I want to be but I'm definitely not where I use to be. God has me exactly where he wants me to be though and I'm trusting Him as he paves the way. 

Hard times will come. We will experience loss, pain, rejection, struggles and doubt. We live in a dark world. But everyday we wake up we have a choice to be the light. Be the light that shines in someone's life. Share life's ups and downs with those you love and trust. Don't keep things bottled up inside. If you are struggling with your own battle of depression, seek help. And do it asap! God gave us wisdom and resources so we need to take advantage of those in times of need. You don't have to wallow in the darkness. You are made for so much more. I'm made for so much more than I give myself credit for. 

I don't write this story for sympathy! I write it to share my testimony that God is on your side. Even when he feels the most distant he's there. He's real. My life is proof there is a living and breathing Lord! A Savior! 

The older I get the wiser I become. The more Christmas really means to me. Sunday we celebrate Jesus's birth. God sent his only Son to save us from a world full of sin and darkness. How wonderful is that. All of the pain, hurt and defeat in my life has been washed away because my Savior was born. He bore all my sins and suffered for you and me. He is the only true medicine. He cleanses us and renews us. You can't truly experience life until your heart knows Him personally. I'm so thankful that I know Him and that he's been by my side this year, my whole life. 

I pray that God uses me and my story for His honor and glory. I pray that he encourages you through whatever storm you are going through. I pray that He renews your mind and strengthens your heart. 

Here's to a new year. 2017 I'm ready for you! I welcome you with open arms and excitement of what's to come. Mold me and make me into the person you created me to be. 

He's turned my story into beauty from ashes. 

God bless and Merry Christmas! 🎄 

Double minded. Random thoughts of a manic depressive.

It's taken me a lot of courage to speak out about living life with bi polar. Scared of what people may think and how people will see me afterwards. But how can I bring awareness to mental health by living in a bubble. 

Living in the funk is what I call it. There really is no balance. Life can change in a matter of seconds and your happy cheerful mood is replaced with feeling blah and blue. There is a pretty consistent pattern of highs and lows yet sometimes you are plagued with an Intolerable amount of negative emotions. 

Here I am now. Faced with the dark cloud. It's come over me like a thunderstorm on a summer day. It was just sunshine and blue skies outside. Why must I feel this way? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't get a grip. Sinking further and further down. It's days like these that I wish I could stay in bed. But instead I have to put on my happy face and get out in the world. Days like the past few days where I don't know who I am. I feel yuck. Struggling. To hold my eyes open bc the negative emotion drains me and I feel exhausted mentally. 

I drag myself up and down outta bed every night to comfort crying babies. Lord are you sure this is the life for me I ask? I tear up from all the screaming.. Crying babies overwhelm my mind. But I stay strong and comfort them back to sleep. One at a time. Then comes morning.. 

Another day.. Another day to come where I drag myself out of bed. Lacking the energy and motivation I need to get up. I'm seriously wishing I could just wrap myself in a bubble right now. But I'm a mom, a wife and advocate for life. I must get up and put on my happy face. If only I could find my happy place in life again. I know this won't last long. But it seems like forever. I. Can't. Even. Think. Straight. 

You see bipolar type 2 is known for its depressive state. The highs and lows fluctuate even being on medication it still fluctuates. Things would be alot worse if I wasn't on meds you see. Most of the time when we here bipolar with think of a crazy person going off the deep end. A person of mood shifts and angry outburst, tons of relationships and impulsive spending. This however describes the manic part of bipolar. We don't hear a lot of the depression associated with being diagnosed with such disorder. But for me the depression is what I'm hit hard with. It happens for NO REASON! Coming every couple of weeks. The battle is real and without warning..

Life suffers when I am faced with this episode. That's what it is an episode. It is short lived but heavily onset. Going from highly motivated to sluggish and slow to role all within a matter of minutes. 

How to deal? I pray a lot and talk to the Lord. I get my strength from Him to endure the challenging times ahead. I rely on my devotions to uplift me. I surround myself with positive motivated people. I lean on close friends to speak life to me. I'm not very verbal about it but those that are around me know when this strikes. I let things go that I'm normally on top of. Laundry piles up. My house is a hot mess..(well hot mess for normal) I don't wash my hair for days and I avoid mirrors at all cost. The struggle with losing baby weight is high on my radar so it's a big disaster some days. I just wake up each day with a decision to over come the what seems like impossible state of mind. I exercise daily and always start out dreading it but leave feeling accomplished. My diet has a lot to do with the severity of my depression too. If I eat high fat, carb overload and unhealthy stuff I feel weighed down. But if my diet is wholesome my mood is elevated some. I try to get good sleep at night but with the twins that's near impossible since moving them to their beds. I choose to recognize and cope. I deal with the emotions running through my mind. Some days I recluse to my house. I'm quiet to talk and you may not hear from me for days. I tune out life. 

It's a battle. But it's not what defines me. I'm only human and sometimes life is just messed up. We are dealt the cards but how we choose live regardless of obstacles says a lot about our inner integrity and character. 

For now I drink my spark and  get dressed for the day to come! It's Wednesday and today is spin! I have folks counting on me to motivate! It keeps me going! 

Here's to random thoughts and living a double minded kinda life. I wonder how many others struggle with this bc it's frowned upon in society to even discuss it out loud. 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness. That's a lot of people! Becoming aware of our emotions and not being controlled by them is what we can do to be different! Being supportive to one another and realizing that sometimes just having an understanding ear is all that person needs. 

For now I'll continue fighting the lowest of lows and striving to make it to the top of the mountain! Today I'll be me! The best version of me I can be. 

July. The month of unexplained promises and Mental Health awareness . Part 1 of my story.

July is the month that last years brought many promises and changes in our life. I'll never forget this certain week in general. I had gone on a Monday to visit a dear friend. Something felt off but I figured it was just time for my cycle.. We laughed and carried on for a couple of hours and before I left I joked about wanting to be pregnant. 

Tuesday came. No cycle. 

Wednesday came. July 15 2015  I'll never forget that day. I felt odd. Something was up. I'm late for my cycle. Could it be?? NOOOO it's just not the right time in my life right now. It's filled with chaos and turmoil and the fear of the unknown. A few minutes later I drove to Walgreens. We didn't have much money at the moment so I may have spent our last $20 on a pregnancy test. I hurried home. 

Waiting. Waiting. I prayed "Lord if this be your will for my life right now I'll accept whatever result pops up." 

There it appeared. Pregnant. Excitement filled my insides for several minutes. Then I sent the pic to my hubby. "Is that real?" He asked. "Yep!" I replied. Then just sat in awe. Wow Lord are you sure about this? I mean my life is so unpredictable right now. That's when he spoke to me clear as day and said "My child I promise you everything will be alright! You are going to be a mom again and will be here to raise your children." That was a promise. I felt peace and the giddiness took over followed by fear. The devil started playing mind games with me. Telling me others would think I was crazy to bring a child into the world right now with my situation. The questions of my future, prison, court, the battles were real. 

Later that day I received an email from my attorney Tracy. He informed me we had been denied a motion that could have been a breaking point in my case. I was so discouraged. Here I am newly pregnant with a future not looking so bright. I felt deep down everything would be ok but the facts of not knowing we're just stinking reality. 

It was a few days later that I realized being denied that motion was a sign. It happened the very day that the Lord spoke promises to me. This child was no mistake and most importantly was given to me in a time of dyer need to feel loved and wanted again. 

I don't speak of these things often. For fear of what others would think but I will not hold back any longer. I went into this pregnancy a different person than I was with my first. I was a depressed, manic type 2 bi polar diagnosed woman struggling. I decided to come off my medicine since I found out I was pregnant. 

Not a good idea. Almost 3 weeks into my pregnancy I could barely drag myself out of bed. I was in such a dark pit. Questioning everything. I went to my psych doctor and saw my OB dr and told them what the deal wAs. Soon after I started back on my medicine. Took almost a month to gain myself back. Bad choice there. I'm type two Bipolar which means instead of long periods of mania I suffer from long periods of the depressed state. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain. Not self diagnosed but noticed by my therapist I saw for 2 years. This my friends is real life. So many folks we know struggle and suffer in silence. I want to break that silence. 

No longer embarrassed to know that mental health is a real thing. I ran from it for far too long. Scared to End up like my mother. Found out It's also genetic. My mom and my my brother had it. I surely hope to not pass it down to my children. I don't wish this madness on anyone. But after years of impulsive spending, relationships and decisions I've finally got a grip on my life. When I feel the darkness gripping me I pray harder. I mean on my redeemer to bring me out of the pit! 

July I learned A lot that month. I learned to accept myself for who I am. I learned that the Lord gives us promises in specific ways. I learned to start speaking up and being real with my emotions. I learned that the next 9 months would be the hardest 9 months of my life! Only to have a surprise thrown in there halfway during it. Stay tuned to more promises the Lord showed me. How God has a since of humor and how I dealt with pregnancy, mental health disorders and tragedy all wrapped into one big basket. 

God bless. 

I

 

 

My Story. The verdict. Gods Mercy revealed. Part 3

3am Restless. Can't sleep. It's been a long week. I'm 35 1/2 weeks pregnant and this week has not been a normal week for this pregnant mama. Every minute passing is torture. Sheer question. Doubt. Fear... Of the unknown. My life right now was an open book. But the pages were about to turn.. 

February 19, 2016 

8am No ordinary morning. The house is chill. Mood is ominous. I get dressed. Put on makeup to hide the exhaustion and fear in my eyes. Everyone has said this week I've been so strong. So courageous. They don't see me on the inside. Gripped by fear and grasping peace at the same time. Who and what have I become? 

8:15 I get a text from my attorney asking me to meet him early that morning. Running late but I'll be there in 30 minutes. I wish I had known to go there earlier than planned. 

8:45 We arrive at the courthouse. This is no ordinary place. This is the place where my life is in the hands of the world. Until I'm reminded by my mother in law that no child.. Your life is in the arms of the Lord. 

Shuttering with a chill I walk into the courtroom. I've accepted the fact that today is the day. The day my voice will be heard. Today I will Speak! It wasn't until some 5 minutes later that I was informed I would not be testifying that morning. This came as a surprise. Don't they need to hear my side. I need to prove my innocence. What If the jury thinks I'm guilty bc I don't speak. 

So many thoughts fill my head. But this was best decided by my attorney and He was in control of this case. 

The conference room was stuffy. Filled with the smell of coffee. It was me, my attorney, Dr Stogner and Wesley Medical Centers attorney in that room that morning. We continued to talk right until the judge walked in. 

9am.. My mind has shut down.. Everything from these past couple days have completely worn me down emotionally. I sit here. Pregnant. Huge. Expecting two.. Not one precious lives. Why me Lord.? Why? I look across the room.. It's quiet. 

And there they sit.. 12 strangers. 12 people I've never seen before. 12 lives with opinions, hearts, minds and souls. Who are they? Why were they chosen. Yep. They are the chosen few. To sit in on my case.. Their faces blank. I can't see emotion. They listen intently and do not budge. Back n forth we go. 

I dunno the time by now but when Dr Stogner took the stand for me that morning there was a feeling of peace rush over me. This dr who I had worked for years ago, who doesn't remember me, came to speak and testify on my behalf for free. FREE! He didn't charge us some 20k later for a response we wanted to hear. He spoke the truth that morning. He explained facts. He was incredible! I'll be forever thankful for that man sitting in the stand that morning for me. 

1230.. I think. My brain is fried by now.. Closing arguments have come and gone. Such cruel words spoken against me. The attorney generals office and lawyers are fierce and hungry ready to seek and devour like a lion. They are evil demons seeking to destroy me at whatever cost. 3 years we have waited for this week to come. They have nothing but words. Words spoken against me. Nothing concrete. Nothing hardcore. Nothing in stone. Just words. But these words have forever changed my life. 

After closing arguments we broke for lunch and then after that the jury would be presented with some rules.. Rules of making a decision. A decision that they were to agree upon. I force myself to eat bc I feel sick. My blood sugar had dropped and between that and my nerves I felt weak. I must take care of these babies I kept telling myself. Praying every second of the way. I finally broke down.. I was alone. Room felt dark. The crazy thoughts invoked my mind. What if I'm guilty? What if I'm guilty? Lord what if they find me guilty? My mother in law and husband found me trembling in the conference room. They gripped me and held on tight. I cried and cried hard. The what ifs just clouded my mind that very moment. What if???? Mercy Jesus I plead for your grace right now. 

Back in the courtroom my heart is racing. Fear. Doubt. Worry. I'm stricken by them all. Can I just run away? I need to breathe by this point. Rules were given to the jury. Final thoughts given by the judge. I'm not quite sure what else went on those few hours to come. All I know is that at 3pm 12 strangers went into a private room to talk about me. 

The most heart wrenching, grueling few hours. I visited with my family and friends that had come to support me. Wanna find out who your true friends are? Wanna find out who has your back in times of trouble? Be accused of a crime. Be accused of MURDER! Because people will RUN!!!! They are scared of sufferings, hard times. The people you think will be there for you are the ones that are the most distant to non existent. But that's a whole other topic. 

I tried to hold it together. Every second. Every minute was one minute closer to the Verdict. The answer. The words that would either make or break the rest of my life. 

And then.. The knock.. They are DONE. Omg! It's 5pm. Chills rolling down my spine! I glare at my husband! I cling to my chair. This is it. Lord please I beg you. 

The judge had the jury lasy speak and say they had unanimously came to a decision. Could this be good? Could it be bad? I just have no idea. But here it comes. 

The circuit clerk Martin took the paper. This guy I played with as a child on the playground. I grew up with him and now my life was literally in his hands. Literally there are either one or two words on that piece of paper. My heart is racing. I can't think straight. I may pass out. I pray continuously.. 

He read "Not Guilty". I gasped in relief. Hands in my face I cried. I sat there in a daze. I could here my family and people in the room crying with joy but I could not move. Those two words.. That's it? Just those words is all we came here for? I'm free. Lord I'm free! I stand up and give my attorney the biggest hug of thank you! I can't believe it's over. 3 years of hell and torment over my head was finally over. NOT GUILTY! I played it over and over in my mind. God you have shown up and shown out! Thank you Lord for loving me. Your plan is the master plan and I'm sorry for not trusting you more. So many thoughts running through my mind. 

Of course the media is here. The local paper interviewed my attorney while I hugged my family and friends. When out of no where the patients sister came over to me and apologized for everything. She insisted on telling me she never thought I did anything wrong to her brother. She hugged me and said it was just a bad deck of cards I was dealt and the AG were just doing their job. She apologized a few more times and told me how much she appreciated all I did to help try to save her brothers life. I told her how much that meant coming from her after all this time. I stand amazed. 

Then 10 minutes later from that very moment.. It's like nothing had ever happened.. Here we were headed to pick up our son from my nanas and head home. For the first time in 3 years I could go home in peace. It was a weird feeling I'm not gonna lie. Took 4-5 days to quit having nightmares and restless nights but I finally was able to get some sleep. 

Our phones lit up with calls and texts.. Not guilty I wrote. Over and over. Apparently it's hit the media I told my hubby because everyone knows already. That's ok I said bc Justice prevailed today and Gods mercy filled that courtroom! Here's to freedom. You never know how much to appreciate your freedom until it's threatened to be taken away. Live each day as if it's your last. Let my life light up your hard times. 

For we Serve a mighty Savior and for that He Lives! 

NOT GUILTY. Still so surreal! I thank the Lord everyday for my life he's given me back! Don't look back on yesterday. Push through to tomorrow! Love in the present!

This picture is hard to look at but they say a picture is worth a thousand words.

 

 

 

 

The road to a healthier future. Accepting the reality.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well I ran across this picture from this past Christmas. I knew I had gained weight last year but I didn't realize how much until I saw this picture. You may or may not no my struggles or know my story right now. But last year was a very hard trying year... I react to stressful situations by eating. I've always been that way. We moved into a new house on my birthday may 17th last year. From that day to September I gained 20 pounds... The entire 20 pounds I had worked so hard to lose. I didn't try to do this but in the blink of an eye it happened. Fighting depression is not a joke.. It's real. Luckily I was still an avid Advocare user bc I probably would have gained even more had I not been using their amazing products.. In September I finally got fed up. I couldn't fit into ANY of my clothes. I tried so hard to get back into running and working out but nothing sparked my motivation. I joined #versus September 30th of 2014.. I could barely run 400 meters.. That's 1/4th a mile. ( I love to run and have ran 2 half marathons to keep in mind) and the first class almost killed me. It was just the motivation I needed. I lost a few pounds the first few months but it was up and down. January came and I participated in the #allin 24 day challenge and did the #iamversus challenge. I lost 10 pounds that month and everything finally started falling into place. It was a struggle and a fight to change my mindset and to make healthier choices. Fast forward  to now I have lost over 25 pounds and my size 10 pants are loose. I look back and realize how defeated I felt because my weight has always been a struggle. I weigh now less than I did pre pregnancy and determined to continue striving to stay healthy. I can run 4 400m laps in a row no stopping and can do real push-ups! Versus has pushed me beyond my physical limits and I'm thankful for awesome coaches! Advocare has forever changed my life and teaches me the importance of fueling our bodies. Struggles are real and everyone has different kinds. Just know that God created us to live a healthy life and to take care of ourselves. With him you can overcome anything and any obstacle. Don't give up and surround yourself with those that lift you up! Thankful for my #versus and #advoamily. #transformationtuesday 

Down to my lowest back up to my highest.

Doing my devotion this morning I'm struck with the feelings of guilt and remorse as I look back at the past two days of my life and how I reacted to news I received from my attorney. 

A few weeks ago we attended court for a motion to disqualify the state from pursuing my case. They basically went above everyone's head on legal terms and indicted me on murder charges without given the local attorneys and sheriffs department any heads up or a chance for them to take on the case. My attorney filed a motion to have them disqualified due to their lack of following protocol. I still don't understand much legal lingo but I did understand this. I read the paper work diligently and just knew in my heart that it was powerful and felt confident in what my attorney had wrote. That same day of court we were asked to submit further paper work. 

The following week the paperwork was submitted on time and then it just became a waiting game. Waited almost 3 weeks to receive an answer. This really took a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Having dealt with depression and bipolar and then dealing with this legal stuff always sends me to a low point. At least it's low to me. It affects me regardless of how much I pray and try to stay positive. 

So I received Thursday the answer that the judge overruled our motion meaning that he did not agree with it. I was enraged. I was hurt. I was mad. I had just finished cleaning a house and missed my sons end of school program and was just a hot mess. My mind was fuzzy but I never asked God why. I didn't want to know why. I just knew how I felt in that exact moment... 

God I can't take much more of this. Lord I just want to die, just take me home and get me out of this pain. I cried out for what seemed like forever. After my episode my mind just snapped back for a second and said get with the program. I was then able to drive. I knew in my heart that I had to face this but I couldn't face it right then. I was ready to throw my hands up. I mean what's left to do I thought. 

I sent a text to my husband and a few friends and family soon after. I cried some more mainly from frustration. And my mind had a million thoughts just racing around. When my husband called me back I was snappy with him bc I didn't have any answers and didn't want to talk about it. ( For this I felt like a jerk) I shouldn't have gotten snappy with the man that stands by my side and loves me even when I'm way too much to handle. 

I had another house to clean that day but I lost all my energy and drive that day and cancelled it. I dropped my son off at his nanas like a normal Thursday. Concerned about me she said don't go home and cry all afternoon so I said I'm going to my BFF lindseys house for a while. It's the only place I have to escape to on days like this. 

I screamed and cried on my way to her house. I felt the release of anger then and that helped me just physically release how I felt. Who says you can react to your emotions. As long as it's safe and therapeutic I don't see the hurt in screaming ad crying while your alone. 

I arrived to her house welcomed by a hug and just spent the day with her andBaby  Chloe. My mind finally slowed down. It may have been around lunch time but a glass of wine never tasted so good. I took a nap and got some baby loving. Something about a newborn that just gives you peace. Such a sweet miracle from the Lord. 

Well reality came back and I had to leave. Faced with my feelings again I decided that I wanted pizza and would get a red box movie that was funny to watch that evening. My husband was working nights so I'd be alone all night. Knowing that I shouldn't get pizza and eat when I'm upset I still did it. A deep dish little ceasar pizza at that. I stuffed my face until I could barely breathe. I was so numb that I just didn't care. I brought the rest home to my husband and he looked inside and was like "Babe" and I said I know oh Well. He took the rest to work with him. Best idea of the day. 

You see when I get in stressful situations I eat. And I eat a lot. It's why my weight fluctuates so much especially this past year. Binge eating comes easy when I'm upset and numb with pain and it's a real struggle. Sadly I had just finished the Advocare 10 day cleanse and did great losing 5 pounds and are healthier than ever. Then one thing happens and I just lose it. I got so mad at myself bc it's not like I was just cheating.. I was cheating myself with food. So frustrating. Bc with this bipolar impulsive behavior is part of it and eating is part of how I deal with things. Yet it's gotten a lot better all because I'm more aware of it and God has helped me seek healthier alternatives. But for this day I just ignored it all. My mind wasn't right and I wanted to just go to sleep. So after a few laughs of a funny movie I took a long lavender bath and then took some ambien and was in bed asleep by 7pm. Yes that really happened. 

Looking back I would and should ha e handled things with more grace and more clarity. I'm so ashamed I just gave into how I felt. I let my emotions dictate my actions and luckily not many people crossed my path that day and I was alone. 

Today I've been reading proverbs a day in May and it led me to several scriptures and in my study bible some of those scriptures explained in detail. 

Being led by the spirit and not of the flesh is what determines our spiritual growth. Everything that we do we have a chance to let our light shine through the darkness. Some of my most positive post and fb statuses come from when I'm at the darkest place in my life on that day. 

Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Trusting in God with everything and believing he take care of us. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:6-9 NIV)" 

Letting God have your anxieties calls for action, not passivity. Don't submit to  your circumstances but to the Lord who controls your circumstances. 

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10 NIV)"

When we feel alone, weak, hopeless and cut off from those that love us or if we are so caught up in our troubles that we forget to watch for danger these are the times we are vulnerable to Satans attacks. We must keep our eyes on Christ and resist the devil says James then he will flee from you. 

This is a daily struggle and battle within ourselves. The enemy preys on our weaknesses. Those can be our jobs, marriages, friendships, finances, personal image, our kids etc. whatever your weak spot is is where you have to stand up higher and demand the presence of the Lord. Seek Him first and grace follows after! We live and we learn. 

In grace. 

Sometimes all you need is a Xanax and some Jesus.

Humor me a bit. We are humans and we do live in a society that frowns upon medication and would rather hide behind social media and painted on smiles in their perfectly portrayed family portraits. But let me just be real with you for a moment.. Life happens to all of us. To the degree of difficulty varies by person but I don't think in anyway is that a coincidence. It's all part of the master plan. 

I love fb and Instagram and I love staying in touch with friends and family and seeing their post. But we only post the happy moments and sometimes those moments are when we are in the most pain. 

There are things in life that happen and go farther beyond our control. You can't dwell on them though bc that's when your struggle, worry and fear become sin bc you let them control your life. 

Another thing that's frowned upon is mental illness. People avoid it like the plague. I know because I was one of those people. You said depression or anxiety and I ran like the wind. Of course I've been through hard times but I'm not sick. Ha story of my life. God did create us in his perfect image but we are not perfect nor will we ever be. Now I'm living with depression and bipolar type 2 disorder.( that's a whole other topic) 

Today is always an off day for me. Any day with court involved, legal jargon spoken or emails from my attorney always throw me off. I can pray all day and night but I know the kind of day I will have regardless. It's just a peaceful cloudy kinda day. 

Doesn't make sense does it? But does to me because all the prayers give. To me are what get me through these days. Nothing magical just the power of prayer. 

" not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, (Romans 12:11-12 NASB)"

Prayer is the best medicine that I've ever had! But reality of the entire situation is that my body trembles, my knees get weak and my heart races so hard that I can barely breathe. This is called anxiety. It really does exist and it happens before something stressful. So... There is power in some Xanax too! I say it to lighten the mood. Yes I have a prescription and yes I take it regularly. 

We are so scared to admit our faults. We are scared to say that we take medication and expect God to just take care of everything but that's not exactly how it works. He created medication to help us sometimes permanently but sometimes short term. Can we just accept the fact that life happens and happens to us! Because God loves us right where we are and continues to do so. 

Just thought I would break the ice and say that if you are battling depression, anxiety or bipolar or some other form of mental illness that you are still a child of God and he still loves you. Things just may be different for you and how you cope may be a lot different than others. 

Don't run from it anymore it just hurts you and those around you. Embrace who you are with what you have! 

For now I'll continue to pray continuously and take my Xanax as I need it! Praise the Lord for them both! He wants us to live smart! Not run around like a dog chasing its tail on the never ending emotional cycle! 

I can't imagine experiencing all I've gone through today and this past year without either! 

Breaking free from these chains. A war with Depression.

Its a Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday and I sit here reading and keeping my mind busy while my sweet boy takes a nap. Its been a very rocky, rough, jagged, crooked week. The kind of week that makes me want to run and hide and never come back. Nothing selfish or anything like that but simply just the reality of what my mind and body are going through and have been going through this past year, and for the course of my entire year. We sang this song at church Sunday and tears just welled up in my eyes and my heart trembled during during the entire song. Its by Mercy Me and called God with US.

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That's worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release from the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing

[Chorus]
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid
These chains are gone
Emmanuel God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

You can download it on iTunes or listen to it on Pandora. It plays often on K Love radio which is what I tune into everyday because I believe that its very important about what we feed our minds. Every now and again I listen to another local radio station to just hear some beats or catch a running jam. Anyhoo... where was I? Yes this week. 

Im 6 days away from court again. Court being a hearing with a new judge in the county and regarding motions my attorney filed to get the state disqualified and off of my case. I still don't understand all of the legal jargon nor have I attempted to much understand it because I didn't go to school to be a lawyer I got a degree in nursing and that's where my knowledge will always be. That's just how I feel about that.

For months now I have suffered from aches and pains really in my neck and shoulders, unexplained weakness in my muscles and tingling in my feet.  I went to the chiropractor because I longed so much to feel better and get back to normal. Well its been a few months of regular visits and im doing great in his eyes but the pain and misery are still there. He suggested I go see a dr because clinically his work is benefiting me according to my muscles and neck and alignment, per say. Well I didn't bother telling him that the stress in my life is contributing to life altering circumstances and that I had a nervous breakdown on the way to his office that Monday morning. No I just kept it all in and told him that I think stress is just to blame for all my muscle tension. I agreed to go to the dr. Matter of fact I had decided that once I leave his office im going to my NP office friend and seeing if she can help me figure out why I hurt so bad and can barely function in the mornings and hold my head up. During the initial visit with the nurse she probably thinks I'm nuts. Crying. Explaining my pain, heart racing, anxiety etc. She said sounds like depression... Well no duh Sherlock I've known I've been dealing with that for months now.. Years actually.. But to me that was just emotional stuff.. More of a mental type situation. Not physical.. My vital signs were perfect of course. They are just gonna think I'm losing my mind I thought. The nurse left and I cried again. Lord please help me. 

A few minutes later my friend comes in. Such a sweet spirit she is. She taught me in nursing school and I knew she was always going to be a blessing to me I just never knew how. Here I am in her office again just falling apart. My mind is tired. I just start crying and tell her I'm at the end and I don't know how much more I can stand. I'd rather go to check in to pine grove than to keep feeling this way. I explained all my pain, tiredness worry of stuff being wrong and my increase in anxiety. Midst the court date coming I knew that how I felt is different than ever. And it was. She showed me this chart. And that's when I realized it's all in my head but now it's become real and im living my emotions.

You see for years I've thought as depression as a mental illness. I've ran from it. Dealt with it but most importantly thought I understood it. Today I was wrong. No mri, no blood test nothing like that could address my problem. I'm in the green according to the diagram and to me that means I've hit rock bottom. I feel like I've lost myself. My sanity is up in the air and im just floating around this world. I looked at her and said I get it now. She prayed. I cried and soon my visit ended. Dr visit turned therapy session and free at that. God surely knows how to open my eyes. 

Yet my eyes still weren't open. I was so down that the light couldn't be seen. I went through the motions of my day but I struggled to pick my head up and could barely enjoy playing with B. B was my hero. He's my shining light and always brings such joy to me as being his mama does. But even that was lost. My body aches in pain. Im drained emotionally and physically. There isn't enough spark in the world right now to help wake me up!! So I went to bed praying for a miracle and so so tired and needing to sleep. 

Today I woke up feeling different but not better. Everything I did was intentional and prayed upon to just help me do better and feel better. 

Every Tuesday I drop B off at school and head to clean a friends house. I arrived as usual and decided instead of music that I would listen to my podcasts today like I normally do. I just felt the need to do so. 

Halfway through my second christian podcast which is based on a woman's personal testimony with depression I hear them say that when something is awesome around the corner that's when Satan is at his best to destroy you and that when you call out to God in prayer that it goes straight to the thrown of the Lord. I cried and looked up and said okay God I see this now. 

I may be battling depression because depression is a real live living thing. But my battle is much more than that. My battle is with evil. Satan who is main goal is to seek and destroy goes after those that he knows God is going to use and has plans for. This my friend is my battle. I may be experiencing a deep depression and feeling the physical pain and symptoms of it but it's only temporary! Satan is trying to use it to distract me. He wants me sad down and discouraged because he wants me to be apart from our God. But today I made a stand! I accept this depression as only temporary.  Because these feelings won't last and a victory is on its way! The closer we get to this victory the harder the enemy works to bring me down. He's using all these lies about me, my life, my healthy my marriage and anything surrounding be that I love and treasure. 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)"

But this to shall pass! God is good and he died to set me free from this pain and sorrow! 

I end with these two quotes because they speak truth! 

Thank you for joining me on this journey and bearing with my bipolar mind to get my thoughts out in some kind of order but being led by the spirit! 

If you are interested in the podcast I listened to today you can find it here at http://godcenteredmom.com/2015/04/13/a-naptime-diary-jessi-connolly-ep-68/

















 

Running a race with my mind.

The Monday of Feb 24th 2014 I had previously gone to the dr that morning because I just didn't feel like myself. I felt off. I was feeling down and at the moment didn't have the reason to feel the way I did. My marriage was going through another rough patch but I just thought it was me or something... My dr mentioned a mood disorder bc he had been seeing me a while now and noticed a pattern of symptoms i verbalized and struggled with... Bipolar?? Ha I just blew that off. IMPOSSIBLE!!

7-8 months later after numerous and sometimes weekly christian counseling sessions to just help keep my sanity I was bombarded with the idea of my reactions and moods being somewhat predictable and more noticeable. Being a child of a bipolar, depressed mother and having a brother who was bi polar I knew that what I was hearing was probably true but I seriously just wanted to run the other direction. I'm 29 years old. I'm a mother and a wife. Now I'm crazy I thought. I agreed to go see a dr that specializes with this and regardless of how much it cost I knew God would provide a way. 

All the feelings of what I feared came rushing in. I questioned my husband, best friend, mother in law, and another close friend. They all confirmed noticeable moods and periods of time where im up and down. I needed help. God will get me through this. I'll see the dr and try some medicine and go from there. I was terrified. Mental illness defined my mother and I refused to let it define me. 

On top of everything I had going on in my life I felt like I was falling apart. One day Id have all the energy in the world and the next day I could cry and just want to sleep. Once I realized what I was diagnosed with I started paying more attention. Wow at how this has impacted my life. Looking back I now see why I made some of the choices in my life. The times when life was best I was going through the "hypomanic" phase. Working out everyday, enjoying work, staying busy and productive. I had energy and did all the things I had wanted to accomplish. There was a dark side to this manic phase I now see so clear. My mid twenties the choices I made dating and with men were impulsive and random. I spent money and maxed out my credit cards. I would call in to work if I didn't feel like going and so on. I see that now and understand why I jumped around always looking for happiness and satisfaction. 

The dark side... The depression. The haunted memories of the nightmare I was living in. The childhood memories and nightmares of my mom dying in my arms. All these hit deep and periods of time I was so down all I could do was sleep. 

That was then. The now is that im a wife and mother and you can't just sleep bc your sad. When the darkness comes it comes with a vicious thorn. A dark cloud that tries to steal the joy in my life that God is placing in my life. Still no matter what I do I just can't snap out of it.. These moments suck. They drain my energy and I feel so worthless. I feel during these times I fail as a mom. That im so distracted that I miss all the good moments.. 

5 months later taking medicine regularly im happy to say that I've found a balance. It's not easy and daily it's a struggle. But with God I can function and through medication and consistent council I feel stronger emotionally. I feel that the distractions of impulse and sadness have minimized. 

I no longer look at myself as crazy but as a woman with obstacles in life and living with bipolar disorder. There is nothing I can do about it. This is just another sped bump in my life page and it to will pass. The Lord is my strength and refuge. I take confort in this. I'm a hot mess most days but I can get control and live as normal as possible. I eat healthy regularly and exercise 4-6 days a week. This helps so much! 

The struggle is real. Binge eating and starving is no way to deal.

I have posted things on fb but I feel like this could relate to so many others! This is real life! Obstacles make us who we are today! God allows trials in our life to turn us closer to him!

Repost from journaling last summer. So its just been updated.

Transparency.... Wow this going to be hard!
1 : something transparent ; especially : a picture (as on film) viewed by light shining through it or by projection 2 : the quality or state of being transparent

This post is by far hard for me to do. I will not tolerate any negative comments so if u have them keep them to yourself!

My life has been turned upside down this year. Many of you know my personal story but many of you don't know my inner struggle. My entire life I have battled an eating disorder and had the biggest desire to just fit in. My mother died of a heart attack at 37 from obesity and my dad was 49 and died of heart attack bc he was an alcoholic. I chose to be a registered nurse to help save lives and keep people from making those same mistakes and losing their life. After my mom died I started not eating. I was always the fat kid in school and the year she died in 2000 I lost 60 pounds in 3 months by starving myself. I battled for years with an eating disorder. Secretly I battled something called binge eating. But for the past few years I have learned to be healthier and the past year since Advocare in my life I finally grasped the concept of consistency and health and wellness. Saying that... Well we are human. After some life changing events earlier this year the Devil took hold of my weakness and in 2 months what I had worked so hard to get to and achieve was lost and I found myself in a deep dark hole. Apparently I do well at hiding this. I found myself binge eating in secrecy and the biggest trail of guilt followed. I knew I was gaining weight. Stress had me a a hault. Emotionally hurt mentally tired and in a state if depression I hid. I fought it. I honestly did. I tried attempted several cleanses and challenges. Nothing. I was mentally not focused. It was not until over 4 almost 5 6 months ago I came to the conclusion that if this didn't change ASAP I was headed in a bad place. I admitted to my husband my weakness and the truth. Not easy. This was where my journey of learning to fully trust in The Lord to guide and direct my path bc I no longer could control my life. Binging was my way of feeling in control. But instead I was losing control.

It's been almost 6 months now that I've committed and surrendered to change. Not only for myself but for my family and 2 year old little boy that is my world. I completed the cleanse with great results! I fit back into my shorts by success school! That was big to me! So this is my transparent moment! With the encouragement of my husband and wonderful friends I declare myself free from the secret any longer.
The above picture was me in may at my leaders and friends Diamond ceremony back in May 2014. I was disgusted with myself, binge eating in secrecy and depressed from life circumstances and tried to stay away from the camera. The picture below was taking today and at SS two weeks ago! This is the real me! 5-6 days a week of hard core workouts, eating clean and learning to be happy in my body that God gave me! With the help of #advocare products and consistency and determination my life has turned around. God has blessed me so much not only with my amazing business and the chance to impact hundred of lives but that being honest, humble, transparent and full of integrity is what true life is about! We can't control our life but we are the variable to a solution and can choose to make a Change. 

Why am I posting this? Because everyone needed to know the truth! I help people on a daily basis and I truly love what I do! But we are human! My body was triggered by stress and this is reality! I did not fail! I picked myself up and took action! God has brought me too far to let anything tear me apart! Don't for one second ever think you are not worthy to be different! YOU have the power to change the world! But the change starts within YOU! I could have stayed depressed and angry but a wise man once said "depression cannot be planted in a great full persons heart!" Andy Andrews . Never spoken so true! Pick yourself up! Dust yourself off and become more! I have a ways to go but I'm getting closer each day!! We were born to be CHAMPIONS!! I am a Champion! They say transparency can change the world! Just imagine what would happen if everyone owned up to themselves and dared to succeed!

Fast forward to where I am now. Breaking through depression and life with exercise and a healthy lifestyle! No more secrets just living life one day at a time and slow progress is good progress to me. Going from a size 18 in 2013 to a size 10 healthy and leaner than I have ever been in my life. Its easier for me to turn to food as comfort but I know that only leads to a disaster and more weight gain. My main battle is stress and the weight gain from stress is a very real situation. I will continue to overcome it with clean eating, Versus and running. Im not where I was but I am definitely not where I use to be and for that im truly thankful. God created me in his image and my responsibility is to love my body and take care of it. So my main goal is to be HEALTHY! Not to focus on the scale or numbers. Even though they do get me excited. Fitting into all my clothes again in my closet has never felt so good. I don't need to go shopping because I have brand new clothes in my closet I have waited to wear for over a year!!! YAY.

 

 

The above picture is me 20 pounds lighter this past weekend at a 5k race with some friends.  The picture to the right is me 2 years ago at a 5k race wearing the same tank top and 25 pounds heavier. Granted I still carried baby weight but it was no excuse. It was just a few months later that I discovered and was introduced to Advocare. It is no miracle diet but simply just a jump start to a cleaner lifestyle while be fueled by some world class nutrition that is safe and absolutely amazing. No more starving myself or binge eating at night when everyone goes to bed. Its forever changed my outlook with food and nutrition. Along with Versus AT and our outside bootcamp style workouts! KILLER!!

With some strong faith and hope in Jesus he has provided such blessings in my life!

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:10-13 NIV)"

This too is just another part of my bipolar mind and all the changes and actions that come with living with this illness. Its definitely contributed to my weight gain and mood changes along the way. But the ultimate decisions fall in my hands.