Be a shining light. Accepting your circumstances.

Regardless of whatever happens in my life just knowing that God can be seen and an evident part of my life is my purpose. I've grown to accept that things are far beyond my control but they are in full control by my God. My God that is a all powerful and knowing at all times. He created this beautiful world we live in and sometimes it may take us falling flat on our faces to learn to really seek and trust him with all of our heart. I thank him for all the trials and circumstances I've encountered in my life.. Without them I wouldn't know Him, I would need him in my life to lift me up out of the pit of darkness! Knowing that he's saved me for eternity and my life is in his hands I'll Be still my soul and just seek him daily and trust him to teach me to build wisdom, endurance, strength, joy and love in my heart. Just to name a few. In John 17 he prays for his people and this gives us Christians the confidence that we need to go from day to day. The world may not know Him but if my life can show Jesus in anyway to others I accept and trust it will give all the glory to the Lord in the end. “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” (John 17:20-26 NIV) #trust #Jesus #faithfulness 

Oh how long to be that Proverbs 31 woman

Today marks the end of my proverbs study for the month and of course it ends with Proverbs 31. Next time I do this I'm going to write each day a scripture and what I learn from it on here the way I did on my notepad! I didn't even think to do so until now. It's been a week or so since my last post which isn't usual but I like writing when I feel the urge in my heart to say something. So today is that day. 

How many of us have heard about the Proverbs 31 woman? Many have connects with the online ministry Lysa Terkyurst has and follow her and her books. But no seriously have you really studied and focused on what it's like to be a proverbs 31 woman? She sounds pretty amazing to me. She sounds perfect just like God. Why is that? 

I think she's made to seem like God is because she is created in his image and He has given us God Given abilities to live a fulfilled life. This is just simply a template for how that life should look like. 

For those that haven't read Proverbs 31 here is the scripture. Read it and see what stands out to you the most and what area stands out and needs the most work to be more like God and live this life He created you for. 

"The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him. Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb! Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers! Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings. It is not for kings, Lemuel— it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer, lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights. Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more. Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. (Proverbs 31:1-31 NIV)

The scripture that stands out to me I right now is pretty popular but it touches my heart. "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." 31:25

To me this means that regardless of the trials and obstacles that occur in life that she will always fix her eyes on the Lord for guidance and that her strength will come from Him. In my bible it states that strength doesn't come from her achievements but by her reverence of God. This chapter has so many pieces to it and can make you feel inadequate but if we fix our eyes on what God is doing in our life and where he has helped us the most we can not be burdened by the what ifs in life and more so look forward to how God is slowly molding us into our own Proverbs 31 woman. 

Remain faithful and practice reading and learning more about how Yoi and I can become a noble character in Gods image! 

Down to my lowest back up to my highest.

Doing my devotion this morning I'm struck with the feelings of guilt and remorse as I look back at the past two days of my life and how I reacted to news I received from my attorney. 

A few weeks ago we attended court for a motion to disqualify the state from pursuing my case. They basically went above everyone's head on legal terms and indicted me on murder charges without given the local attorneys and sheriffs department any heads up or a chance for them to take on the case. My attorney filed a motion to have them disqualified due to their lack of following protocol. I still don't understand much legal lingo but I did understand this. I read the paper work diligently and just knew in my heart that it was powerful and felt confident in what my attorney had wrote. That same day of court we were asked to submit further paper work. 

The following week the paperwork was submitted on time and then it just became a waiting game. Waited almost 3 weeks to receive an answer. This really took a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Having dealt with depression and bipolar and then dealing with this legal stuff always sends me to a low point. At least it's low to me. It affects me regardless of how much I pray and try to stay positive. 

So I received Thursday the answer that the judge overruled our motion meaning that he did not agree with it. I was enraged. I was hurt. I was mad. I had just finished cleaning a house and missed my sons end of school program and was just a hot mess. My mind was fuzzy but I never asked God why. I didn't want to know why. I just knew how I felt in that exact moment... 

God I can't take much more of this. Lord I just want to die, just take me home and get me out of this pain. I cried out for what seemed like forever. After my episode my mind just snapped back for a second and said get with the program. I was then able to drive. I knew in my heart that I had to face this but I couldn't face it right then. I was ready to throw my hands up. I mean what's left to do I thought. 

I sent a text to my husband and a few friends and family soon after. I cried some more mainly from frustration. And my mind had a million thoughts just racing around. When my husband called me back I was snappy with him bc I didn't have any answers and didn't want to talk about it. ( For this I felt like a jerk) I shouldn't have gotten snappy with the man that stands by my side and loves me even when I'm way too much to handle. 

I had another house to clean that day but I lost all my energy and drive that day and cancelled it. I dropped my son off at his nanas like a normal Thursday. Concerned about me she said don't go home and cry all afternoon so I said I'm going to my BFF lindseys house for a while. It's the only place I have to escape to on days like this. 

I screamed and cried on my way to her house. I felt the release of anger then and that helped me just physically release how I felt. Who says you can react to your emotions. As long as it's safe and therapeutic I don't see the hurt in screaming ad crying while your alone. 

I arrived to her house welcomed by a hug and just spent the day with her andBaby  Chloe. My mind finally slowed down. It may have been around lunch time but a glass of wine never tasted so good. I took a nap and got some baby loving. Something about a newborn that just gives you peace. Such a sweet miracle from the Lord. 

Well reality came back and I had to leave. Faced with my feelings again I decided that I wanted pizza and would get a red box movie that was funny to watch that evening. My husband was working nights so I'd be alone all night. Knowing that I shouldn't get pizza and eat when I'm upset I still did it. A deep dish little ceasar pizza at that. I stuffed my face until I could barely breathe. I was so numb that I just didn't care. I brought the rest home to my husband and he looked inside and was like "Babe" and I said I know oh Well. He took the rest to work with him. Best idea of the day. 

You see when I get in stressful situations I eat. And I eat a lot. It's why my weight fluctuates so much especially this past year. Binge eating comes easy when I'm upset and numb with pain and it's a real struggle. Sadly I had just finished the Advocare 10 day cleanse and did great losing 5 pounds and are healthier than ever. Then one thing happens and I just lose it. I got so mad at myself bc it's not like I was just cheating.. I was cheating myself with food. So frustrating. Bc with this bipolar impulsive behavior is part of it and eating is part of how I deal with things. Yet it's gotten a lot better all because I'm more aware of it and God has helped me seek healthier alternatives. But for this day I just ignored it all. My mind wasn't right and I wanted to just go to sleep. So after a few laughs of a funny movie I took a long lavender bath and then took some ambien and was in bed asleep by 7pm. Yes that really happened. 

Looking back I would and should ha e handled things with more grace and more clarity. I'm so ashamed I just gave into how I felt. I let my emotions dictate my actions and luckily not many people crossed my path that day and I was alone. 

Today I've been reading proverbs a day in May and it led me to several scriptures and in my study bible some of those scriptures explained in detail. 

Being led by the spirit and not of the flesh is what determines our spiritual growth. Everything that we do we have a chance to let our light shine through the darkness. Some of my most positive post and fb statuses come from when I'm at the darkest place in my life on that day. 

Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Trusting in God with everything and believing he take care of us. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:6-9 NIV)" 

Letting God have your anxieties calls for action, not passivity. Don't submit to  your circumstances but to the Lord who controls your circumstances. 

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10 NIV)"

When we feel alone, weak, hopeless and cut off from those that love us or if we are so caught up in our troubles that we forget to watch for danger these are the times we are vulnerable to Satans attacks. We must keep our eyes on Christ and resist the devil says James then he will flee from you. 

This is a daily struggle and battle within ourselves. The enemy preys on our weaknesses. Those can be our jobs, marriages, friendships, finances, personal image, our kids etc. whatever your weak spot is is where you have to stand up higher and demand the presence of the Lord. Seek Him first and grace follows after! We live and we learn. 

In grace. 

Patience in waiting. Be still my soul part 6

Well.. It's been 2 weeks since the judge received paperwork from my attorney. It's been 3 weeks since we had our court date. It's been a year 2 months and 12 days since my life was turned upside down. I have not once given up nor turned my eyes away from God through all of this. The times have been hard. I feel like many days I'm just a disaster and cluster of emotions just waiting to set off but through all of the crazy emotions, depression worry and anxiety He is always there for me. 

I pray daily for wisdom and discernment of his Spirit to reign down on me and flood my path of life. I never pray for patience because it doesn't say to pray for patience. We are commanded to Love and trust our Father. With trials and suffering produces wisdom, patience and perserverence. Over and over and over again. It doesn't say you will have just one experience in life and be done. 

"The Lord doesn't qualify the called he calls the Qualified."

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (James 1:2-6 NIV)"

I asked for those things while praying and he's definitely giving them to me. As each week passes by I'm learning that when I pray I must believe in what I'm praying. I can't just ask for wisdom and not BELIEVE  that God can give it to me. The true test of faith relies on waiting on the Lord to reveal in his own time the answer. Everyone around me is getting so anxious to know this one answer. Like it's going to just end there... 

I mean I know that is possible but I just say that God is not ready to reveal the answer yet and that there is a reason it's taking so much time. There has been a reason all of this has drug out longer and longer. The longer it takes the more I feel I'm losing my mind but also the closer and more dependent I am on my Heavenly Father to just wrap his arms around me and help me trust in him. 

The enemy knows our weaknesses and he preys on them. But let me declare this.. YOU WILL NOT WIN. Satan you are the thorn in my side but the battle 

has been fought and the debt has been paid. Jesus didn't suffer and die for me to be filled with worry and doubt. The worry and doubt that comes with waiting. The worry from the unknown. Questions left unanswered. All these things you attempt to plague my mind with.. I will continue praying you away until the victory comes. Though I may be weak.. HE IS STRONG! 

My Jesus loves me this I Know. For the Bible tells me so. 

If I must wait. I will wait in peace! I will accept his grace and mercy that he gives to me abundantly. If you are waiting on an answer today or waiting for your prayers to be answered I pray that you will fix your eyes upon the Heavens above and Trust him with all your heart. 

In good time. It will be revealed. 

In Grace 

Standing on His promises. Fear not.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. “All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10-13 NIV)"

These scriptures can not scream to me loud enough. Through everything and everywhere I cling to the promise to Fear Not! It's so very hard to just push forward and move on with life when you literally have life crippling, heart wrenching circumstances. So when fear, worry and doubt creep into my head I have to immediately Rebuke them in the name of Jesus. This may sound silly to someone who is not familiar with His Word or who is new to Christisn faith. But as a growing, maturing Child of God it's a crucial action that must be taken daily. 

We can read the bible and do devotions everyday. This is a wonderful thing. But how you apply these words and devotions is what matters. It's not a one time thing and it takes being intentional. 

Fear can cripple us and make us I'll. it can determine our mood and attitude. When fear faces you you have two options!

1 give in to the fear. Let it consume you and control your actions. This is when it becomes sin. Or; 

2. You can rebuke it and turn to this scripture. .." Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am a your God." 

Option two is my choice and everyday I'm faced with fear and choose turn my eyes off of myself and fix my eyes on Jesus above. 

No problem is too big for God. No problem is too small. God has already fought your battle for you he's just waiting on us to trust him. I'm not expert on the bible or on faith. But I do know yhat in living Proof of what God can do in your heart and life through trials and circumstances. 

I write these post and blogs to hopefully inspire and encourage anyone going through a hard time no matter what it is. I don't intend to be a professional writer by any means. Thank you all for taking time to listen to me ramble. I write when my heart calls me to write. 

I'm a woman that's chasing after Gods heart while trying to search and find my own most days! 

Have a blessed day and live your day filled with courage and encouragement. 

Peace surpassing all understanding. Be still my soul Part 3.

The next day I woke up anxiously anticipating what the day would bring. Having had not much sleep my body was tired but I had a peace that I can't explain. I knew what was asked of me and that we would do. My husband left first thing that morning to take the 10k in cash that we had gotten my maxing out a credit card and taking out a loan from the bank. The attorney was paid and paid how we came up with the funds. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7 NIV)

This. Scripture held strong to me that morning. The car ride for 30 minutes was just that. Praise music as my husband drove us to the next county and to the jail where we would be meeting those people. We arrived. My husband said a prayer and with fear and the unknown in my eyes we went inside. My attorney had been on the phone that morning and from inside I was taken away from my husband. One kiss and hug that I had no idea if would be my last. The humiliation took place once I left his side. I was placed in handcuffs and shackles and taken to the place where they book criminals. I had been told I would be taken in and then released immediately on bond. So here went the humiliation and fear I never in my life thought I would ever encounter. 

The ladies and workers all gave me stares of wonder and curiosity. I was asked several times why a nurse as myself was being charged with such a malicious crime. I looked at the them and said I honestly have no idea. Finger orinted and placed in an orange jail top I had to take a picture. I've always smiled in my pictures but this picture was a picture of fear and disgust. This was not a picture of me. I sat there chained up 

not knowing what my future would 

hold. The thoughts in my mind were crazy and jumbled. Praying to the Lord to hear my cry the way heard David's cry. Wondering why but feeling like this was just part of the master plan and He had the master key. What would people think? What would I do with work? What about my career? What about my family? What if people find out? Oh the questions. The millions of thoughts running through my mind. 

Why me God? I've been through so much already Lord why me? Why now? This is what I thought over and over. But I knew deep down I had a comforting voice telling me that everything would be ok. 

A few hours later and half my sanity lost I was released on a $10k bond that had been reduced from $40k. I still don't really understand what that means but I praised God we just had $1000 to spend that day and that I was going home. The ride home was silent. Not an awkward silent just a solemn silent. An okay silent. 

It was then I made the decision that I would go to manager and tell her everything going on and resign from nursing to prevent my current employer from reaping anything negative from these circumstances. A very hard decision but I made that call and arranged it for that evening. 48 hours and some odd minutes my life was on a roller coaster and I had no idea what God has in store for me. The next 24 hours however were really about to test my own faith and ability to perservere. Could I face my nightmare of facing the world... 

Down to my last cent. Be still my soul Part 2

Yesterday morning I woke up to find myself in the negative in my checking account. I just rolled my eyes and said Ok God. Thinking back to two years ago when money wasn't the problem. I had a job doing what I thought God had created me for, registered nursing. It had been my dream to help others after watching my mother die in my arms from a heart attack. I wanted to help protect and help other families prevent what had caused such an abrupt pain in my life. So for 7 years that's what I did. 

One of the benefits of working as a nurse to me was that the pay was good and you would always have a job I thought.. Financially we stayed ahead even though we had a debt to pay off but we were able to enjoy life and not so much struggle with our finances. I didn't want to struggle. I went my entire childhood struggling and I prayed a many nights that I would not end up the way my family was growing up. I think that's part of the reason I spent money so much was the fear of being without. That makes sense right?? Well just when I thought I had everything figured out and rolling through life with now my family of 3 and married to a man that I know loves me now more than ever, life happened. 

My career and dreams all came to a complete hault in the matter of one phone call on a sunny Monday February 24 2014. A call from an unfamiliar voice from an Unfamiliar number that shattered my world into pieces. 

That Monday my life flashed before my eyes and every part of my body went numb and I started floating from my mind. Why is this happening to me? This can't be real. What do I do? Dear Lord Help Me! 

That Monday a detective was on the other end of the phone telling me to report to a local county jail the following morning at 10am. He gave no details. His voice was stern and very nonchalant. I asked why.. He repeated to just be there at 10am. I said ok and the line went blank. 

This was not my average monday. I finished seeing patients early that day and got home around 12:45pm that day excited to be off early. I was working home health at the time and enjoyed the flexibility. But today was just not the normal day. 

I put my phone down. I sat in the chair. My face had no expression. My husband happened to be off that day and home. He immediately knew something was wrong. I told him I didn't know what was going on but I was going to jail. He didn't understand. The fear in our eyes. I said call our preacher. He called immediately and within 30 minutes he arrived. My mother in law came within a few more minutes. We all just sat there. I had little information I didn't know what to say. And then a phone rang. 

My mother inaw is by far one of the best in the world. She had made a phone.call to a friend in search of information about what was going on. It was her phone that rang. That call was the second call to shatter my entire world to pieces. She took the call and when she came back inside she was white as a ghost and told me this was serious. We needed an attorney. The state was charging me with second degree murder of a previous patient. 

MURDER?!?!?! Are you kidding me? ME??? I couldn't stop crying with anger and hurt. That afternoon we were given 3 attorney names and numbers. My husband and I got in our car and started driving. 2 of the 3 were either tied up or out of the office. It was the one God intended for us to have because he was in his office and agreed to meet with us. 

After explaining the situation to him. And after 10 thousand dollars later. He was now representing me in what has been the longest year of my life.