When you change your mind, you will change your life.

 

I read a blog a few minutes ago about a post of God giving you more than you can handle. So many of us, myself included tend to use that phrase "God will never give us more than we can handle." It's thrown around during trials and struggles and we just shove it down people's heads like we have nothing else to say. I guess because it just sounds good and we don't know what else to say. 

I ate these words over the past few years. I learned that God will give us or allow us to be given more than we can handle. More than we can stand or bear. There will come a time in your life when you are dealt a nasty deck of cards. Your struggle may not be the same as your friends or co workers. It may not feel the same as another time of struggle. But it will come. We are human. Life sucks sometimes. The older we get in life the more we will see many things and see our loved ones hurt. 

Death of a loved one. 

Addiction. 

Eating disorders. 

Car wrecks. 

Natural disasters. 

Divorce. 

Sick kids. 

Sick parents. 

Being falsely accused of a crime. (Based on my personal experience!) 

The list goes on. The pain cuts deep and the struggle is real. 

Yes bad things happen. This is only a minut example of them. This has been you or may be you one day dealing with a certain situation. The problem in today's world is how we react to hard times. Most of the time it's easy to just give up and give in. Giving in to those feelings of poor me. I've been through so much in this lifetime. We become focused on the negative in life and can't see past it when something positive happens. What we feed our mind will change our heart. It runs our lives. If you feed on the negative you will be in a constant state of depression. Depression is a real thing y'all! It can be a side effect of hormones, your circumstance or a chemical imbalance in your brain. But it's real. It's given life when you allow what's going on to have power over you. When you are clinging to your own energy and self instead of clinging to the cross. 

Hundreds of thousands of Christians battle with depression everyday. I myself have fought depression my whole life. But here recently after taking back over my life and mind I've come to realize that depression lies deep within us and can beat us up only if we allow it too. Only if we are fighting the battle by ourselves. 

When we let go and let God life appears to us in a different manner. We can breathe again, sleep again and enjoy life again. Another saying we here all the time. What is it like to truly let go? That's another topic for a different day. But no seriously.. If we learn, teach ourselves to truly trust in the Lord life is much more peaceful. It is a daily taught lesson to learn to do. You won't get it overnight! Took me 3 years to really learn how to trust God. 

I battled this for the past 3 years as I was fighting a battle that I could never see the end coming. I never knew what life was going to bring me and lived in a degree of uncertainty. It was not a way to live. But it was reality during that time. 

People would tell me God won't leave me or give me more than I could handle. But I found this to be inaccurate. I was given more than I could imagine in a lifetime. I was dealt a crappy deck of cards. But it only was a season of life. I learned so much about myself and about my faith during the past couple of years. I learned to change my way of thinking and that if we wake up with a positive attitude regardless that life will be much calmer. 

We control our thoughts. We control the way we think. Our mind is a powerful tool. Did you know that you can decide how you are going to think that day? Try it. Wake up and no matter how groggy, how tired you are tell yourself today is going to me AWESOME! This can affect your life forever. 

Today no matter your circumstance know that God loves you and He is the ONLY one that will and can bring you through it. You are a child of the Lord and he will never leave you nor forsake you. 

Today change your mind to love yourself again. Today appreciate your struggle bc through it God will get the glory. He will get the glory bc you trusted in Him during  the hard times. You will love yourself more if you are your own personal cheerleader! 

Let go and let God! Never say God won't give us more than we can handle bc in the end He will and hearing that is by far the most non comforting sentence you can say to someone. Just saying. 

Have a blessed day. 

 

Wise Wednesday's

Sometimes if we listen to those negative voices in the back of our mind we start to believe them.. One day and you wake up wondering what happened and then you realized the power lies within yourself! Wake up and be determined to have a good attitude. Love others. Love God. Pray daily. Seek Him. Humble yourself. And slowly things will return to normal.. Just believe that we were created to not just go through the motions of life but to live each day serving others and living each day like there is no tomorrow. Be courageous. Be bold. Have faith. You are not alone. You deserve to be happy and love the life you have been given. Want things to change? You must first change from within.. It changes your perspective! Happy Wednesday! #wisewednesday #wisdom #trust #determination #motivation #life #faith #love #attitude #emotions #freedom #Jesus #prayer 

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Have a blessed day!

Be a shining light. Accepting your circumstances.

Regardless of whatever happens in my life just knowing that God can be seen and an evident part of my life is my purpose. I've grown to accept that things are far beyond my control but they are in full control by my God. My God that is a all powerful and knowing at all times. He created this beautiful world we live in and sometimes it may take us falling flat on our faces to learn to really seek and trust him with all of our heart. I thank him for all the trials and circumstances I've encountered in my life.. Without them I wouldn't know Him, I would need him in my life to lift me up out of the pit of darkness! Knowing that he's saved me for eternity and my life is in his hands I'll Be still my soul and just seek him daily and trust him to teach me to build wisdom, endurance, strength, joy and love in my heart. Just to name a few. In John 17 he prays for his people and this gives us Christians the confidence that we need to go from day to day. The world may not know Him but if my life can show Jesus in anyway to others I accept and trust it will give all the glory to the Lord in the end. “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” (John 17:20-26 NIV) #trust #Jesus #faithfulness 

Childlike Faith

This week has been a definite eye opener for me.. I haven't helped with VBS since I was in high school and it's been such a blessing in my life this week. It's brought back that childlike faith that I tend to forget about. We have 3 girls wanting to know more about the Lord and I pray that God leads them straight to him. To be such young ages and in 5th grade there minds are so curious and just hungry for more of what God has to offer them. Studying the book of Daniel we are remembering and learning that Daniel made decisions to be different and that he wanted to Glorify God in all that he did and by doing so the Lord protected him and his friends from a fire pit and Lions den.. How awesome is our God that when we trust him fully that he will be our strength and shield during the good times and the hard times. How amazing that it only takes one Seed of Faith to Trust him and follow him. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says For we walk by faith not by sight. These young girls are learning that it takes trusting in what they cannot see and fully giving there own trust to a much higher power. I never went to bible school as a kid and surely wish I had had the opportunity because what a difference one week can do for us focusing souly on God to set us up for success in securing our relationship with Him. Praying that He will continue working in there hearts and give us the strength and words to give them during this week. What a blessing it's been to share the Word of God with these girls! We have had a great Leader too. Looking forward to the next two days. I think it's helped me grow just as well. Simply amazing! 🙏🏻😊❤️ #Jesus #learning #childlikefaith #faith #trust #God #salvation 

In Jesus Name, 

Oh how long to be that Proverbs 31 woman

Today marks the end of my proverbs study for the month and of course it ends with Proverbs 31. Next time I do this I'm going to write each day a scripture and what I learn from it on here the way I did on my notepad! I didn't even think to do so until now. It's been a week or so since my last post which isn't usual but I like writing when I feel the urge in my heart to say something. So today is that day. 

How many of us have heard about the Proverbs 31 woman? Many have connects with the online ministry Lysa Terkyurst has and follow her and her books. But no seriously have you really studied and focused on what it's like to be a proverbs 31 woman? She sounds pretty amazing to me. She sounds perfect just like God. Why is that? 

I think she's made to seem like God is because she is created in his image and He has given us God Given abilities to live a fulfilled life. This is just simply a template for how that life should look like. 

For those that haven't read Proverbs 31 here is the scripture. Read it and see what stands out to you the most and what area stands out and needs the most work to be more like God and live this life He created you for. 

"The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him. Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb! Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers! Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings. It is not for kings, Lemuel— it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer, lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights. Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more. Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. (Proverbs 31:1-31 NIV)

The scripture that stands out to me I right now is pretty popular but it touches my heart. "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." 31:25

To me this means that regardless of the trials and obstacles that occur in life that she will always fix her eyes on the Lord for guidance and that her strength will come from Him. In my bible it states that strength doesn't come from her achievements but by her reverence of God. This chapter has so many pieces to it and can make you feel inadequate but if we fix our eyes on what God is doing in our life and where he has helped us the most we can not be burdened by the what ifs in life and more so look forward to how God is slowly molding us into our own Proverbs 31 woman. 

Remain faithful and practice reading and learning more about how Yoi and I can become a noble character in Gods image! 

The gift of helping others.

Almost two years ago I was introduced to Advocare and not only has it helped me get my health back and fight eating disorders but it's allowed me an opportunity to help others. It's been such a blessing in my life during some dark times especially after resigning from my career as a nurse. Today is a milestone for one of my friends and I just have to share this post I shared on fb! 

This is just one example of why I do what I do.. This is my good friend Robin who came to me almost a year ago wanting to do the 24 day challenge. She had a 4 year old and 4 month old little girl and was working long hours as a nurse.. She was tired and fed up and wanted a change. Fast forward to where she is today is simply incredible! She has gone from a size 14 to a size 6 and has officially lost 65 POUNDS!!!!!  She's literally half the size she use to be. And the best part is she's grown to love herself and enjoy life in a way she never knew existed. Because of her yes we have grown into great friends and I have enjoyed seeing her journey this past year. I'm so proud of you girl! You deserve that cruise. Here's to many more years of reaching all your goals! 😊👊🏻 #goalcrusher

Just a simply incredible journey and so thankful God has placed this in my life to help me turn the negative into positive. You can do it too! Just one yes can change your life. It has ours. 

My purpose in writing

I wasn't born a writer but I have found healing in writing down my thoughts. I do pray that there will be someone that will find Christ in their life through my story and see what not giving up no matter what looks like. There are thousands of books and blogs out there. If you are reading mine I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart and hope that you will gain something of encouragement through my words. My random sometimes crazy words! 

“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. (Isaiah 43:10 NIV)

We are his chosen people and fixing my eyes to Christ there is no need to great or small that he won't meet. He will meet us where we are at in our lives and guide us from there. 

I write because I want to grow as a Christian and learn on this new found journey of being completely transparent. 

Down to my lowest back up to my highest.

Doing my devotion this morning I'm struck with the feelings of guilt and remorse as I look back at the past two days of my life and how I reacted to news I received from my attorney. 

A few weeks ago we attended court for a motion to disqualify the state from pursuing my case. They basically went above everyone's head on legal terms and indicted me on murder charges without given the local attorneys and sheriffs department any heads up or a chance for them to take on the case. My attorney filed a motion to have them disqualified due to their lack of following protocol. I still don't understand much legal lingo but I did understand this. I read the paper work diligently and just knew in my heart that it was powerful and felt confident in what my attorney had wrote. That same day of court we were asked to submit further paper work. 

The following week the paperwork was submitted on time and then it just became a waiting game. Waited almost 3 weeks to receive an answer. This really took a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Having dealt with depression and bipolar and then dealing with this legal stuff always sends me to a low point. At least it's low to me. It affects me regardless of how much I pray and try to stay positive. 

So I received Thursday the answer that the judge overruled our motion meaning that he did not agree with it. I was enraged. I was hurt. I was mad. I had just finished cleaning a house and missed my sons end of school program and was just a hot mess. My mind was fuzzy but I never asked God why. I didn't want to know why. I just knew how I felt in that exact moment... 

God I can't take much more of this. Lord I just want to die, just take me home and get me out of this pain. I cried out for what seemed like forever. After my episode my mind just snapped back for a second and said get with the program. I was then able to drive. I knew in my heart that I had to face this but I couldn't face it right then. I was ready to throw my hands up. I mean what's left to do I thought. 

I sent a text to my husband and a few friends and family soon after. I cried some more mainly from frustration. And my mind had a million thoughts just racing around. When my husband called me back I was snappy with him bc I didn't have any answers and didn't want to talk about it. ( For this I felt like a jerk) I shouldn't have gotten snappy with the man that stands by my side and loves me even when I'm way too much to handle. 

I had another house to clean that day but I lost all my energy and drive that day and cancelled it. I dropped my son off at his nanas like a normal Thursday. Concerned about me she said don't go home and cry all afternoon so I said I'm going to my BFF lindseys house for a while. It's the only place I have to escape to on days like this. 

I screamed and cried on my way to her house. I felt the release of anger then and that helped me just physically release how I felt. Who says you can react to your emotions. As long as it's safe and therapeutic I don't see the hurt in screaming ad crying while your alone. 

I arrived to her house welcomed by a hug and just spent the day with her andBaby  Chloe. My mind finally slowed down. It may have been around lunch time but a glass of wine never tasted so good. I took a nap and got some baby loving. Something about a newborn that just gives you peace. Such a sweet miracle from the Lord. 

Well reality came back and I had to leave. Faced with my feelings again I decided that I wanted pizza and would get a red box movie that was funny to watch that evening. My husband was working nights so I'd be alone all night. Knowing that I shouldn't get pizza and eat when I'm upset I still did it. A deep dish little ceasar pizza at that. I stuffed my face until I could barely breathe. I was so numb that I just didn't care. I brought the rest home to my husband and he looked inside and was like "Babe" and I said I know oh Well. He took the rest to work with him. Best idea of the day. 

You see when I get in stressful situations I eat. And I eat a lot. It's why my weight fluctuates so much especially this past year. Binge eating comes easy when I'm upset and numb with pain and it's a real struggle. Sadly I had just finished the Advocare 10 day cleanse and did great losing 5 pounds and are healthier than ever. Then one thing happens and I just lose it. I got so mad at myself bc it's not like I was just cheating.. I was cheating myself with food. So frustrating. Bc with this bipolar impulsive behavior is part of it and eating is part of how I deal with things. Yet it's gotten a lot better all because I'm more aware of it and God has helped me seek healthier alternatives. But for this day I just ignored it all. My mind wasn't right and I wanted to just go to sleep. So after a few laughs of a funny movie I took a long lavender bath and then took some ambien and was in bed asleep by 7pm. Yes that really happened. 

Looking back I would and should ha e handled things with more grace and more clarity. I'm so ashamed I just gave into how I felt. I let my emotions dictate my actions and luckily not many people crossed my path that day and I was alone. 

Today I've been reading proverbs a day in May and it led me to several scriptures and in my study bible some of those scriptures explained in detail. 

Being led by the spirit and not of the flesh is what determines our spiritual growth. Everything that we do we have a chance to let our light shine through the darkness. Some of my most positive post and fb statuses come from when I'm at the darkest place in my life on that day. 

Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Trusting in God with everything and believing he take care of us. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:6-9 NIV)" 

Letting God have your anxieties calls for action, not passivity. Don't submit to  your circumstances but to the Lord who controls your circumstances. 

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10 NIV)"

When we feel alone, weak, hopeless and cut off from those that love us or if we are so caught up in our troubles that we forget to watch for danger these are the times we are vulnerable to Satans attacks. We must keep our eyes on Christ and resist the devil says James then he will flee from you. 

This is a daily struggle and battle within ourselves. The enemy preys on our weaknesses. Those can be our jobs, marriages, friendships, finances, personal image, our kids etc. whatever your weak spot is is where you have to stand up higher and demand the presence of the Lord. Seek Him first and grace follows after! We live and we learn. 

In grace. 

Losing hope, building Faith.

Not the best of news today.. But my God is bigger than any of this and any of the emotions I'm going through right now. Definitely need some extra prayers right now. I cling to his mercy and grace and this scripture I pull into my heart. 

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

I wanna give up. I can't. I won't. My heart hurts. The future for me is unclear. 

I hold fast to these verses. 

Daniel 12:3 

“Those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the firmament, and those who turn many to righteousness like the stars forever and ever.”

Micah 4:4 

“But everyone shall sit under his vine and under his fig tree, and no one shall make them afraid; for the mouth of the LORD of hosts has spoken.”

Zephaniah 3:17 

“The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Malachi 3:16 

“Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD listened and heard them; so a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the LORD and who meditate on His name.”

 

Matthew 25:21 

“His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.”

1 Corinthians 2:9 

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

2 Peter 1:10-11 

“Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

1 John 3:2 

“Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.”

Revelation 21:4 

“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Patience in waiting. Be still my soul part 6

Well.. It's been 2 weeks since the judge received paperwork from my attorney. It's been 3 weeks since we had our court date. It's been a year 2 months and 12 days since my life was turned upside down. I have not once given up nor turned my eyes away from God through all of this. The times have been hard. I feel like many days I'm just a disaster and cluster of emotions just waiting to set off but through all of the crazy emotions, depression worry and anxiety He is always there for me. 

I pray daily for wisdom and discernment of his Spirit to reign down on me and flood my path of life. I never pray for patience because it doesn't say to pray for patience. We are commanded to Love and trust our Father. With trials and suffering produces wisdom, patience and perserverence. Over and over and over again. It doesn't say you will have just one experience in life and be done. 

"The Lord doesn't qualify the called he calls the Qualified."

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (James 1:2-6 NIV)"

I asked for those things while praying and he's definitely giving them to me. As each week passes by I'm learning that when I pray I must believe in what I'm praying. I can't just ask for wisdom and not BELIEVE  that God can give it to me. The true test of faith relies on waiting on the Lord to reveal in his own time the answer. Everyone around me is getting so anxious to know this one answer. Like it's going to just end there... 

I mean I know that is possible but I just say that God is not ready to reveal the answer yet and that there is a reason it's taking so much time. There has been a reason all of this has drug out longer and longer. The longer it takes the more I feel I'm losing my mind but also the closer and more dependent I am on my Heavenly Father to just wrap his arms around me and help me trust in him. 

The enemy knows our weaknesses and he preys on them. But let me declare this.. YOU WILL NOT WIN. Satan you are the thorn in my side but the battle 

has been fought and the debt has been paid. Jesus didn't suffer and die for me to be filled with worry and doubt. The worry and doubt that comes with waiting. The worry from the unknown. Questions left unanswered. All these things you attempt to plague my mind with.. I will continue praying you away until the victory comes. Though I may be weak.. HE IS STRONG! 

My Jesus loves me this I Know. For the Bible tells me so. 

If I must wait. I will wait in peace! I will accept his grace and mercy that he gives to me abundantly. If you are waiting on an answer today or waiting for your prayers to be answered I pray that you will fix your eyes upon the Heavens above and Trust him with all your heart. 

In good time. It will be revealed. 

In Grace 

Seek Him and you will find Him.

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:12-13 We serve a mighty and powerful God. He can work miracles and do some amazing things in our lives but if we do not seek him daily.. Pray.. And live His word, the blessings He has in store for us we won't find and he can't give to us. We have to do our part. We can be blinded by our wants and desires but what truly matters is taking ourself out of the equation and letting Go and Let God. Seek him today and you WILL find him.

They say Let go and Let God but most days we cling to our own selves and still try to control everything around us. If you are waiting on something in life the Lord may be teaching you patience or he may be working out the situation on his time. 

Trust him. Pray diligently. Serve others and just remove yourself from the equation. Easy to say but harder to do. God is a loving and faithful God. He always pulls through. It just may look different than our expectations. 

I want my sunshine back.

This week has definitely been a rollercoaster of a ride. There are weeks I can function just as a normal human being, then there are weeks that my moods shift like the weather changes. I'll wake up happy and wind up feeling lower than a dark pit. I have come to grips that living with this Biploar disorder and distinguishing Satan and his tactics are very trying and hard sometimes. But knowing that I do clinically have issues definitely can ease some days that I just can't seem to shake the blah feeling. The enemy's main goal is to seek and destroy us and he preys on our weaknesses. 

Well he definitely knows mine and when I'm pushing forward and moving in Gods will for my life is when he REALLY tries his best to make my life miserable. I know that the Lord is using all of this legal stuff to work for Good according to his purpose and the Devil quite frankly doesn't like it. I believe in my heart that blessings have come from these circumstances. 

This week has simply been a waiting game regarding my case again. It's me vs the state of Mississippi and if you are reading this and have no idea what's going on please read my earlier posts. 

This blog is simply my journey through life during a very hard time. Being transparent, dealing with weight gain, being healthy, diagnosed with a mental illness thanks to my genetics and trying to love and serve the Lord with all my heart while searching for him daily. 

This week I was hoping to have an answer regarding my case but instead I'm being taught Patience and good time. I believe that this battle has been fought and it has already been figured out and dealt with by God. We can't see in the future but we have to trust in our heart that with faith God will provide and take care of us. We can't see faith but we can see the works of faith by evidence of others around us. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says we walk by faith; not by sight. So much easier said than done bc we want to have that instant gratification of answers in our life. 

But as we grow and mature as Christians we see this verse much much more for what it is. We have to pray daily and say out loud "I trust you Lord! I Trust you" the more we say and more we declare to believe the easier it is to live by Faith. 

All that being said I'm trusting that in good time. His time. I will get the answer from the judge. I trust that the answer will glorify the Lord and show his faithfulness. 

Have a blessed weekend. 

Standing on His promises. Fear not.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. “All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10-13 NIV)"

These scriptures can not scream to me loud enough. Through everything and everywhere I cling to the promise to Fear Not! It's so very hard to just push forward and move on with life when you literally have life crippling, heart wrenching circumstances. So when fear, worry and doubt creep into my head I have to immediately Rebuke them in the name of Jesus. This may sound silly to someone who is not familiar with His Word or who is new to Christisn faith. But as a growing, maturing Child of God it's a crucial action that must be taken daily. 

We can read the bible and do devotions everyday. This is a wonderful thing. But how you apply these words and devotions is what matters. It's not a one time thing and it takes being intentional. 

Fear can cripple us and make us I'll. it can determine our mood and attitude. When fear faces you you have two options!

1 give in to the fear. Let it consume you and control your actions. This is when it becomes sin. Or; 

2. You can rebuke it and turn to this scripture. .." Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am a your God." 

Option two is my choice and everyday I'm faced with fear and choose turn my eyes off of myself and fix my eyes on Jesus above. 

No problem is too big for God. No problem is too small. God has already fought your battle for you he's just waiting on us to trust him. I'm not expert on the bible or on faith. But I do know yhat in living Proof of what God can do in your heart and life through trials and circumstances. 

I write these post and blogs to hopefully inspire and encourage anyone going through a hard time no matter what it is. I don't intend to be a professional writer by any means. Thank you all for taking time to listen to me ramble. I write when my heart calls me to write. 

I'm a woman that's chasing after Gods heart while trying to search and find my own most days! 

Have a blessed day and live your day filled with courage and encouragement. 

There is Victory in Jesus. Part 1

I sit here this morning reading my bible and drinking my coffee to just allow God to search my heart and soul. Lord know that I'm far from perfect and have made so many mistakes in my lifetime. For so long I use to say one day I'll get my life together and do things right. So many years have slipped between my finger tips. Not so much regrets but so many what ifs??

I learned this weekend at marriage conference that we can no longer allow our past to dictate our futures. I hold true to this statement and declare a victory in my life. 

Reading the book of Ephesians this morning Paul speaks with such mercy and grace while being imprisoned. Who would have thought that a man that persecuted Christians would turn out to be such a man of God and to me one of the greatest writers in the Bible. It shows me that regardless of how things turn out in life that no matter the situation nor circumstance that the Lord will use all things to work for his good according to its purpose. 

I know that today in this court room that God will have his hand upon me and my family. I pray to him that his will be Glorified and that his power be made known. These days never get easier. My heart races. My thoughts crowd my mind. My body trembles. But somewhere in the midst of it all a peace fills my body and it's like the Lord says child I'm here with you. 

Psalm 46:10 says Be still and know that I am God. It's quoted so much in the world today but until you truly understand what being still means you just can't comprehend the power in our Jesus. He's merciful and gracious. He's sitting at the right hand of God on the thrown And already knows the outcome. He's waiting for us to fully trust him. 

This morning 1peter 3:7-9 course through my mind and heart and it's these verses I cling to for hope and grace. 

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-9 NIV)"

Though I have not seen, I know In my heart. I pray that later today I can write to you about my victory in Jesus and show you truly the power of prayer. 

A broken identity. Be still my soul part 5.

The weeks following the life shattering news of being accused of the death of my patient that day lingered on like a cloud going across the sun. Instantly grief filled my soul and the loss of what I thought was my identity. 

By identity I speak of what we define ourselves by. For many it's by their jobs, hobbys or whether they are a wife or mother. For me I defined my life and purpose as being a nurse. I thought that my calling in life was to help others and by doing so I was called to be a nurse. I loved what I did. I loved the science of nursing. I loved the aspect of helping someone get better or even more saving that persons life. These things I identified with. It's what I got my degree in college to do with my life. I just knew that I would always have a job and always have an opportunity to help someone in some way. All this just one day SHATTERED! 

My identity was home to the icu. Otherwise known as critical care or intensive care unit. It's where the sickest of patients came to get the most intensive immediate treatment, procedures and medications. My heart was in this field of nursing. The adrenaline rush of saving a persons life during an emergency made me function to the highest capacity my mind allowed. There is just no other feeling like being a nurse. I truly loved my job and career. 

So there are a few parts to the grieving process. In the beginning I was in denial.. Like this can't be happening. God why me? I couldn't believe that in a matter of 24 hours my life as a nurse would no longer be.. Much less be the same ever again. My life for the past 7-8 years was that consisting of nursing. I had no idea what else I would do. What if I'm just in a bad dream? Maybe they just have made a mistake. 

The answer to those questions was no. 

And then there was Anger. This didn't really last that long honestly. I was never mad at God. I was mad at myself. I was angry that the one time I didn't chart acceptionally and detailed was the time my own life depended on it. I was angry and hurt that all of this surfaced because of another mans actual anger and revenge from the loss of his own job. I was angry that of all people to be accused of such a tragedy it was me. I was the nurse that wanted things done right! I fought for my co workers to be treated fairly and for our patients to be cared for. But anger didn't lay prevalent in my life long. God replaced that anger with some crazy joy that I found while being home with my little boy. Which led to bargaining. 

I told God that if he would just make this go away that I would do better. I'd live a better life. I'd be a better mom. A better wife. A better child of God. I promised God all of these things in hopes that he would just help make this nightmare go away. I bargained with him daily and for months. I pleaded. I cried. I prayed. But I know that he heard my pleas and my cries. He whispered in my ear many times "child of mine it's not your time yet. Just be patient sweet child". I heard I

His voice so many times in the midst of my crying and anguish. He calmed me in the storms as the court dates came and left with yet again no deliverance. Many a times I turned to this scripture and it brought peace that surpasses any understanding you can ever imagine.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8 NIV

This scripture lies so dear to my heart. It got me through and still gets me through some really tough times. Which leads now to acceptance. A year and 2 months later I've learned to accept the things in life that we cannot change. For that are just a mere season of life and where we are is by no accident because our Lord has our side. Crazy to think that as a Christian everything that goes on in our life has to go through the Lord first and he has to give permission for those circumstances to come your way. So when they say the Lord won't place on you anymore than you can handle this is what that means. He knows your future as a child of God is with him and he knows that your future is secure with Him. By stopping to accept where you are in life it truly defines just how powerful and gracious our Father is to us. He loves us so much and though he may not understand the pain and things of life we have endured his Son Jesus Christ does. 

I say this all to just help you understand how I've grown to accept and embrace my circumstances. My circumstances, my past, my depression nor my battle with an eating disorder do not define me. My career as a nurse no longer defines me. My identity has changed. It's been around for a long time but it's now the only identity that I want to define me. I am a child of God. A sister in Christ and a woman that loves God with all my heart and he comes first in my life. I'm a wife and a mother with a calling in life to love and serve others. It just looks differently now. As each day passes I lift up my head no matter how I feel and I will praise Jesus in the storm. Until the storm passes I'll continue to walk in sunshine and let my God love me where I am. 

In Christ and God bless. 

Breaking free from these chains. A war with Depression.

Its a Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday and I sit here reading and keeping my mind busy while my sweet boy takes a nap. Its been a very rocky, rough, jagged, crooked week. The kind of week that makes me want to run and hide and never come back. Nothing selfish or anything like that but simply just the reality of what my mind and body are going through and have been going through this past year, and for the course of my entire year. We sang this song at church Sunday and tears just welled up in my eyes and my heart trembled during during the entire song. Its by Mercy Me and called God with US.

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That's worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release from the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing

[Chorus]
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid
These chains are gone
Emmanuel God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

You can download it on iTunes or listen to it on Pandora. It plays often on K Love radio which is what I tune into everyday because I believe that its very important about what we feed our minds. Every now and again I listen to another local radio station to just hear some beats or catch a running jam. Anyhoo... where was I? Yes this week. 

Im 6 days away from court again. Court being a hearing with a new judge in the county and regarding motions my attorney filed to get the state disqualified and off of my case. I still don't understand all of the legal jargon nor have I attempted to much understand it because I didn't go to school to be a lawyer I got a degree in nursing and that's where my knowledge will always be. That's just how I feel about that.

For months now I have suffered from aches and pains really in my neck and shoulders, unexplained weakness in my muscles and tingling in my feet.  I went to the chiropractor because I longed so much to feel better and get back to normal. Well its been a few months of regular visits and im doing great in his eyes but the pain and misery are still there. He suggested I go see a dr because clinically his work is benefiting me according to my muscles and neck and alignment, per say. Well I didn't bother telling him that the stress in my life is contributing to life altering circumstances and that I had a nervous breakdown on the way to his office that Monday morning. No I just kept it all in and told him that I think stress is just to blame for all my muscle tension. I agreed to go to the dr. Matter of fact I had decided that once I leave his office im going to my NP office friend and seeing if she can help me figure out why I hurt so bad and can barely function in the mornings and hold my head up. During the initial visit with the nurse she probably thinks I'm nuts. Crying. Explaining my pain, heart racing, anxiety etc. She said sounds like depression... Well no duh Sherlock I've known I've been dealing with that for months now.. Years actually.. But to me that was just emotional stuff.. More of a mental type situation. Not physical.. My vital signs were perfect of course. They are just gonna think I'm losing my mind I thought. The nurse left and I cried again. Lord please help me. 

A few minutes later my friend comes in. Such a sweet spirit she is. She taught me in nursing school and I knew she was always going to be a blessing to me I just never knew how. Here I am in her office again just falling apart. My mind is tired. I just start crying and tell her I'm at the end and I don't know how much more I can stand. I'd rather go to check in to pine grove than to keep feeling this way. I explained all my pain, tiredness worry of stuff being wrong and my increase in anxiety. Midst the court date coming I knew that how I felt is different than ever. And it was. She showed me this chart. And that's when I realized it's all in my head but now it's become real and im living my emotions.

You see for years I've thought as depression as a mental illness. I've ran from it. Dealt with it but most importantly thought I understood it. Today I was wrong. No mri, no blood test nothing like that could address my problem. I'm in the green according to the diagram and to me that means I've hit rock bottom. I feel like I've lost myself. My sanity is up in the air and im just floating around this world. I looked at her and said I get it now. She prayed. I cried and soon my visit ended. Dr visit turned therapy session and free at that. God surely knows how to open my eyes. 

Yet my eyes still weren't open. I was so down that the light couldn't be seen. I went through the motions of my day but I struggled to pick my head up and could barely enjoy playing with B. B was my hero. He's my shining light and always brings such joy to me as being his mama does. But even that was lost. My body aches in pain. Im drained emotionally and physically. There isn't enough spark in the world right now to help wake me up!! So I went to bed praying for a miracle and so so tired and needing to sleep. 

Today I woke up feeling different but not better. Everything I did was intentional and prayed upon to just help me do better and feel better. 

Every Tuesday I drop B off at school and head to clean a friends house. I arrived as usual and decided instead of music that I would listen to my podcasts today like I normally do. I just felt the need to do so. 

Halfway through my second christian podcast which is based on a woman's personal testimony with depression I hear them say that when something is awesome around the corner that's when Satan is at his best to destroy you and that when you call out to God in prayer that it goes straight to the thrown of the Lord. I cried and looked up and said okay God I see this now. 

I may be battling depression because depression is a real live living thing. But my battle is much more than that. My battle is with evil. Satan who is main goal is to seek and destroy goes after those that he knows God is going to use and has plans for. This my friend is my battle. I may be experiencing a deep depression and feeling the physical pain and symptoms of it but it's only temporary! Satan is trying to use it to distract me. He wants me sad down and discouraged because he wants me to be apart from our God. But today I made a stand! I accept this depression as only temporary.  Because these feelings won't last and a victory is on its way! The closer we get to this victory the harder the enemy works to bring me down. He's using all these lies about me, my life, my healthy my marriage and anything surrounding be that I love and treasure. 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)"

But this to shall pass! God is good and he died to set me free from this pain and sorrow! 

I end with these two quotes because they speak truth! 

Thank you for joining me on this journey and bearing with my bipolar mind to get my thoughts out in some kind of order but being led by the spirit! 

If you are interested in the podcast I listened to today you can find it here at http://godcenteredmom.com/2015/04/13/a-naptime-diary-jessi-connolly-ep-68/

















 

Running a race with my mind.

The Monday of Feb 24th 2014 I had previously gone to the dr that morning because I just didn't feel like myself. I felt off. I was feeling down and at the moment didn't have the reason to feel the way I did. My marriage was going through another rough patch but I just thought it was me or something... My dr mentioned a mood disorder bc he had been seeing me a while now and noticed a pattern of symptoms i verbalized and struggled with... Bipolar?? Ha I just blew that off. IMPOSSIBLE!!

7-8 months later after numerous and sometimes weekly christian counseling sessions to just help keep my sanity I was bombarded with the idea of my reactions and moods being somewhat predictable and more noticeable. Being a child of a bipolar, depressed mother and having a brother who was bi polar I knew that what I was hearing was probably true but I seriously just wanted to run the other direction. I'm 29 years old. I'm a mother and a wife. Now I'm crazy I thought. I agreed to go see a dr that specializes with this and regardless of how much it cost I knew God would provide a way. 

All the feelings of what I feared came rushing in. I questioned my husband, best friend, mother in law, and another close friend. They all confirmed noticeable moods and periods of time where im up and down. I needed help. God will get me through this. I'll see the dr and try some medicine and go from there. I was terrified. Mental illness defined my mother and I refused to let it define me. 

On top of everything I had going on in my life I felt like I was falling apart. One day Id have all the energy in the world and the next day I could cry and just want to sleep. Once I realized what I was diagnosed with I started paying more attention. Wow at how this has impacted my life. Looking back I now see why I made some of the choices in my life. The times when life was best I was going through the "hypomanic" phase. Working out everyday, enjoying work, staying busy and productive. I had energy and did all the things I had wanted to accomplish. There was a dark side to this manic phase I now see so clear. My mid twenties the choices I made dating and with men were impulsive and random. I spent money and maxed out my credit cards. I would call in to work if I didn't feel like going and so on. I see that now and understand why I jumped around always looking for happiness and satisfaction. 

The dark side... The depression. The haunted memories of the nightmare I was living in. The childhood memories and nightmares of my mom dying in my arms. All these hit deep and periods of time I was so down all I could do was sleep. 

That was then. The now is that im a wife and mother and you can't just sleep bc your sad. When the darkness comes it comes with a vicious thorn. A dark cloud that tries to steal the joy in my life that God is placing in my life. Still no matter what I do I just can't snap out of it.. These moments suck. They drain my energy and I feel so worthless. I feel during these times I fail as a mom. That im so distracted that I miss all the good moments.. 

5 months later taking medicine regularly im happy to say that I've found a balance. It's not easy and daily it's a struggle. But with God I can function and through medication and consistent council I feel stronger emotionally. I feel that the distractions of impulse and sadness have minimized. 

I no longer look at myself as crazy but as a woman with obstacles in life and living with bipolar disorder. There is nothing I can do about it. This is just another sped bump in my life page and it to will pass. The Lord is my strength and refuge. I take confort in this. I'm a hot mess most days but I can get control and live as normal as possible. I eat healthy regularly and exercise 4-6 days a week. This helps so much! 

Peace surpassing all understanding. Be still my soul Part 3.

The next day I woke up anxiously anticipating what the day would bring. Having had not much sleep my body was tired but I had a peace that I can't explain. I knew what was asked of me and that we would do. My husband left first thing that morning to take the 10k in cash that we had gotten my maxing out a credit card and taking out a loan from the bank. The attorney was paid and paid how we came up with the funds. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7 NIV)

This. Scripture held strong to me that morning. The car ride for 30 minutes was just that. Praise music as my husband drove us to the next county and to the jail where we would be meeting those people. We arrived. My husband said a prayer and with fear and the unknown in my eyes we went inside. My attorney had been on the phone that morning and from inside I was taken away from my husband. One kiss and hug that I had no idea if would be my last. The humiliation took place once I left his side. I was placed in handcuffs and shackles and taken to the place where they book criminals. I had been told I would be taken in and then released immediately on bond. So here went the humiliation and fear I never in my life thought I would ever encounter. 

The ladies and workers all gave me stares of wonder and curiosity. I was asked several times why a nurse as myself was being charged with such a malicious crime. I looked at the them and said I honestly have no idea. Finger orinted and placed in an orange jail top I had to take a picture. I've always smiled in my pictures but this picture was a picture of fear and disgust. This was not a picture of me. I sat there chained up 

not knowing what my future would 

hold. The thoughts in my mind were crazy and jumbled. Praying to the Lord to hear my cry the way heard David's cry. Wondering why but feeling like this was just part of the master plan and He had the master key. What would people think? What would I do with work? What about my career? What about my family? What if people find out? Oh the questions. The millions of thoughts running through my mind. 

Why me God? I've been through so much already Lord why me? Why now? This is what I thought over and over. But I knew deep down I had a comforting voice telling me that everything would be ok. 

A few hours later and half my sanity lost I was released on a $10k bond that had been reduced from $40k. I still don't really understand what that means but I praised God we just had $1000 to spend that day and that I was going home. The ride home was silent. Not an awkward silent just a solemn silent. An okay silent. 

It was then I made the decision that I would go to manager and tell her everything going on and resign from nursing to prevent my current employer from reaping anything negative from these circumstances. A very hard decision but I made that call and arranged it for that evening. 48 hours and some odd minutes my life was on a roller coaster and I had no idea what God has in store for me. The next 24 hours however were really about to test my own faith and ability to perservere. Could I face my nightmare of facing the world...