Sunday, May 31, 2015

Oh how long to be that Proverbs 31 woman

Today marks the end of my proverbs study for the month and of course it ends with Proverbs 31. Next time I do this I'm going to write each day a scripture and what I learn from it on here the way I did on my notepad! I didn't even think to do so until now. It's been a week or so since my last post which isn't usual but I like writing when I feel the urge in my heart to say something. So today is that day. 

How many of us have heard about the Proverbs 31 woman? Many have connects with the online ministry Lysa Terkyurst has and follow her and her books. But no seriously have you really studied and focused on what it's like to be a proverbs 31 woman? She sounds pretty amazing to me. She sounds perfect just like God. Why is that? 

I think she's made to seem like God is because she is created in his image and He has given us God Given abilities to live a fulfilled life. This is just simply a template for how that life should look like. 

For those that haven't read Proverbs 31 here is the scripture. Read it and see what stands out to you the most and what area stands out and needs the most work to be more like God and live this life He created you for. 

"The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him. Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb! Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers! Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings. It is not for kings, Lemuel— it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer, lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights. Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more. Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. (Proverbs 31:1-31 NIV)

The scripture that stands out to me I right now is pretty popular but it touches my heart. "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." 31:25

To me this means that regardless of the trials and obstacles that occur in life that she will always fix her eyes on the Lord for guidance and that her strength will come from Him. In my bible it states that strength doesn't come from her achievements but by her reverence of God. This chapter has so many pieces to it and can make you feel inadequate but if we fix our eyes on what God is doing in our life and where he has helped us the most we can not be burdened by the what ifs in life and more so look forward to how God is slowly molding us into our own Proverbs 31 woman. 

Remain faithful and practice reading and learning more about how Yoi and I can become a noble character in Gods image! 


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The gift of helping others.



Almost two years ago I was introduced to Advocare and not only has it helped me get my health back and fight eating disorders but it's allowed me an opportunity to help others. It's been such a blessing in my life during some dark times especially after resigning from my career as a nurse. Today is a milestone for one of my friends and I just have to share this post I shared on fb! 

This is just one example of why I do what I do.. This is my good friend Robin who came to me almost a year ago wanting to do the 24 day challenge. She had a 4 year old and 4 month old little girl and was working long hours as a nurse.. She was tired and fed up and wanted a change. Fast forward to where she is today is simply incredible! She has gone from a size 14 to a size 6 and has officially lost 65 POUNDS!!!!!  She's literally half the size she use to be. And the best part is she's grown to love herself and enjoy life in a way she never knew existed. Because of her yes we have grown into great friends and I have enjoyed seeing her journey this past year. I'm so proud of you girl! You deserve that cruise. Here's to many more years of reaching all your goals! 😊👊🏻 #goalcrusher



Just a simply incredible journey and so thankful God has placed this in my life to help me turn the negative into positive. You can do it too! Just one yes can change your life. It has ours. 




Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The road to a healthier future. Accepting the reality.


They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well I ran across this picture from this past Christmas. I knew I had gained weight last year but I didn't realize how much until I saw this picture. You may or may not no my struggles or know my story right now. But last year was a very hard trying year... I react to stressful situations by eating. I've always been that way. We moved into a new house on my birthday may 17th last year. From that day to September I gained 20 pounds... The entire 20 pounds I had worked so hard to lose. I didn't try to do this but in the blink of an eye it happened. Fighting depression is not a joke.. It's real. Luckily I was still an avid Advocare user bc I probably would have gained even more had I not been using their amazing products.. In September I finally got fed up. I couldn't fit into ANY of my clothes. I tried so hard to get back into running and working out but nothing sparked my motivation. I joined #versus September 30th of 2014.. I could barely run 400 meters.. That's 1/4th a mile. ( I love to run and have ran 2 half marathons to keep in mind) and the first class almost killed me. It was just the motivation I needed. I lost a few pounds the first few months but it was up and down. January came and I participated in the #allin 24 day challenge and did the #iamversus challenge. I lost 10 pounds that month and everything finally started falling into place. It was a struggle and a fight to change my mindset and to make healthier choices. Fast forward  to now I have lost over 25 pounds and my size 10 pants are loose. I look back and realize how defeated I felt because my weight has always been a struggle. I weigh now less than I did pre pregnancy and determined to continue striving to stay healthy. I can run 4 400m laps in a row no stopping and can do real push-ups! Versus has pushed me beyond my physical limits and I'm thankful for awesome coaches! Advocare has forever changed my life and teaches me the importance of fueling our bodies. Struggles are real and everyone has different kinds. Just know that God created us to live a healthy life and to take care of ourselves. With him you can overcome anything and any obstacle. Don't give up and surround yourself with those that lift you up! Thankful for my #versus and #advoamily. #transformationtuesday 

My purpose in writing

I wasn't born a writer but I have found healing in writing down my thoughts. I do pray that there will be someone that will find Christ in their life through my story and see what not giving up no matter what looks like. There are thousands of books and blogs out there. If you are reading mine I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart and hope that you will gain something of encouragement through my words. My random sometimes crazy words! 

“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. (Isaiah 43:10 NIV)

We are his chosen people and fixing my eyes to Christ there is no need to great or small that he won't meet. He will meet us where we are at in our lives and guide us from there. 

I write because I want to grow as a Christian and learn on this new found journey of being completely transparent. 


Sunday, May 17, 2015

To be or not to be 30...? That is the one question I can't avoid.

I thought, ‘Age should speak; advanced years should teach wisdom.’ But it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding. (Job 32:7-8 NIV)

Oh joy... Happy birthday to me. I use to be so excited about birthdays.. Like my tinehop from 5 years ago shows me at the beach with my girl friends having a blast because I was celebrating my 25th bday! As if!! I've been dreading this day since I realized how real it was becoming. Another year older but another decade to enter into. 

I'm not as mopey as I was because I have come to realize that I entered my 20's naive, wild and honestly not a care in the world besides college and my boyfriend at the time. I was so careless and selfish. My how I could go back and do things differently. I would have listened to all the words of wisdom given to me throughout the past ten years. But hey experiences make us into who we are today. They help develop our character and our integrity. So to my twenties I say with my hands raised PEACE OUT! I will not keep looking back! 

Now for this new decade that begins today.. Welcome thirties! Here's to living a more Christ filled life with wisdom, compassion and love. Here is to healthier choices. Lasting impressions and working harder than ever to be a God centered wife and mother. I will lift my head up high and declare to keep my sanity and no longer feel the dread of turning 30! It's over it's done! I'm officially 30!! No one can stop time. 

I will enter to this new age of my life with more grace and mercy that my Fathe in heaven has given me. My love has changed from this world to my Love for others and for my Jesus. 

Just amazing what time can do for us. Here's a quote from Ghandi on choosing our thoughts and changing the world. It starts today. 

“Be the change you wish to see in the world. ” ~ Gandhi

Instead of wishing that the world will change you have to be the change that you wish it would make. When you make positive changes to yourself you set an example for those around you to do the same. Instead of wishing that everyone would recycle, make sure that you are the master recycler. Instead of wishing that your loved ones would lose weight and be healthy, lead by example and get fit so that they can be inspired by you. Small changes can lead to big changes when others see what you can do.


In grace. 




Saturday, May 16, 2015

Down to my lowest back up to my highest.

Doing my devotion this morning I'm struck with the feelings of guilt and remorse as I look back at the past two days of my life and how I reacted to news I received from my attorney. 

A few weeks ago we attended court for a motion to disqualify the state from pursuing my case. They basically went above everyone's head on legal terms and indicted me on murder charges without given the local attorneys and sheriffs department any heads up or a chance for them to take on the case. My attorney filed a motion to have them disqualified due to their lack of following protocol. I still don't understand much legal lingo but I did understand this. I read the paper work diligently and just knew in my heart that it was powerful and felt confident in what my attorney had wrote. That same day of court we were asked to submit further paper work. 

The following week the paperwork was submitted on time and then it just became a waiting game. Waited almost 3 weeks to receive an answer. This really took a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Having dealt with depression and bipolar and then dealing with this legal stuff always sends me to a low point. At least it's low to me. It affects me regardless of how much I pray and try to stay positive. 

So I received Thursday the answer that the judge overruled our motion meaning that he did not agree with it. I was enraged. I was hurt. I was mad. I had just finished cleaning a house and missed my sons end of school program and was just a hot mess. My mind was fuzzy but I never asked God why. I didn't want to know why. I just knew how I felt in that exact moment... 

God I can't take much more of this. Lord I just want to die, just take me home and get me out of this pain. I cried out for what seemed like forever. After my episode my mind just snapped back for a second and said get with the program. I was then able to drive. I knew in my heart that I had to face this but I couldn't face it right then. I was ready to throw my hands up. I mean what's left to do I thought. 

I sent a text to my husband and a few friends and family soon after. I cried some more mainly from frustration. And my mind had a million thoughts just racing around. When my husband called me back I was snappy with him bc I didn't have any answers and didn't want to talk about it. ( For this I felt like a jerk) I shouldn't have gotten snappy with the man that stands by my side and loves me even when I'm way too much to handle. 

I had another house to clean that day but I lost all my energy and drive that day and cancelled it. I dropped my son off at his nanas like a normal Thursday. Concerned about me she said don't go home and cry all afternoon so I said I'm going to my BFF lindseys house for a while. It's the only place I have to escape to on days like this. 

I screamed and cried on my way to her house. I felt the release of anger then and that helped me just physically release how I felt. Who says you can react to your emotions. As long as it's safe and therapeutic I don't see the hurt in screaming ad crying while your alone. 

I arrived to her house welcomed by a hug and just spent the day with her andBaby  Chloe. My mind finally slowed down. It may have been around lunch time but a glass of wine never tasted so good. I took a nap and got some baby loving. Something about a newborn that just gives you peace. Such a sweet miracle from the Lord. 

Well reality came back and I had to leave. Faced with my feelings again I decided that I wanted pizza and would get a red box movie that was funny to watch that evening. My husband was working nights so I'd be alone all night. Knowing that I shouldn't get pizza and eat when I'm upset I still did it. A deep dish little ceasar pizza at that. I stuffed my face until I could barely breathe. I was so numb that I just didn't care. I brought the rest home to my husband and he looked inside and was like "Babe" and I said I know oh Well. He took the rest to work with him. Best idea of the day. 

You see when I get in stressful situations I eat. And I eat a lot. It's why my weight fluctuates so much especially this past year. Binge eating comes easy when I'm upset and numb with pain and it's a real struggle. Sadly I had just finished the Advocare 10 day cleanse and did great losing 5 pounds and are healthier than ever. Then one thing happens and I just lose it. I got so mad at myself bc it's not like I was just cheating.. I was cheating myself with food. So frustrating. Bc with this bipolar impulsive behavior is part of it and eating is part of how I deal with things. Yet it's gotten a lot better all because I'm more aware of it and God has helped me seek healthier alternatives. But for this day I just ignored it all. My mind wasn't right and I wanted to just go to sleep. So after a few laughs of a funny movie I took a long lavender bath and then took some ambien and was in bed asleep by 7pm. Yes that really happened. 


Looking back I would and should ha e handled things with more grace and more clarity. I'm so ashamed I just gave into how I felt. I let my emotions dictate my actions and luckily not many people crossed my path that day and I was alone. 

Today I've been reading proverbs a day in May and it led me to several scriptures and in my study bible some of those scriptures explained in detail. 

Being led by the spirit and not of the flesh is what determines our spiritual growth. Everything that we do we have a chance to let our light shine through the darkness. Some of my most positive post and fb statuses come from when I'm at the darkest place in my life on that day. 

Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Trusting in God with everything and believing he take care of us. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:6-9 NIV)" 

Letting God have your anxieties calls for action, not passivity. Don't submit to  your circumstances but to the Lord who controls your circumstances. 

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10 NIV)"

When we feel alone, weak, hopeless and cut off from those that love us or if we are so caught up in our troubles that we forget to watch for danger these are the times we are vulnerable to Satans attacks. We must keep our eyes on Christ and resist the devil says James then he will flee from you. 

This is a daily struggle and battle within ourselves. The enemy preys on our weaknesses. Those can be our jobs, marriages, friendships, finances, personal image, our kids etc. whatever your weak spot is is where you have to stand up higher and demand the presence of the Lord. Seek Him first and grace follows after! We live and we learn. 

In grace. 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Losing hope, building Faith.

Not the best of news today.. But my God is bigger than any of this and any of the emotions I'm going through right now. Definitely need some extra prayers right now. I cling to his mercy and grace and this scripture I pull into my heart. 
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

I wanna give up. I can't. I won't. My heart hurts. The future for me is unclear. 

I hold fast to these verses. 


Daniel 12:3 

“Those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the firmament, and those who turn many to righteousness like the stars forever and ever.”

Micah 4:4 

“But everyone shall sit under his vine and under his fig tree, and no one shall make them afraid; for the mouth of the LORD of hosts has spoken.”

Zephaniah 3:17 

“The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Malachi 3:16 

“Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD listened and heard them; so a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the LORD and who meditate on His name.”

 

Matthew 25:21 

“His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.”

1 Corinthians 2:9 

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

2 Peter 1:10-11 

“Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

1 John 3:2 

“Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.”

Revelation 21:4 

“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”