I want my sunshine back.

This week has definitely been a rollercoaster of a ride. There are weeks I can function just as a normal human being, then there are weeks that my moods shift like the weather changes. I'll wake up happy and wind up feeling lower than a dark pit. I have come to grips that living with this Biploar disorder and distinguishing Satan and his tactics are very trying and hard sometimes. But knowing that I do clinically have issues definitely can ease some days that I just can't seem to shake the blah feeling. The enemy's main goal is to seek and destroy us and he preys on our weaknesses. 

Well he definitely knows mine and when I'm pushing forward and moving in Gods will for my life is when he REALLY tries his best to make my life miserable. I know that the Lord is using all of this legal stuff to work for Good according to his purpose and the Devil quite frankly doesn't like it. I believe in my heart that blessings have come from these circumstances. 

This week has simply been a waiting game regarding my case again. It's me vs the state of Mississippi and if you are reading this and have no idea what's going on please read my earlier posts. 

This blog is simply my journey through life during a very hard time. Being transparent, dealing with weight gain, being healthy, diagnosed with a mental illness thanks to my genetics and trying to love and serve the Lord with all my heart while searching for him daily. 

This week I was hoping to have an answer regarding my case but instead I'm being taught Patience and good time. I believe that this battle has been fought and it has already been figured out and dealt with by God. We can't see in the future but we have to trust in our heart that with faith God will provide and take care of us. We can't see faith but we can see the works of faith by evidence of others around us. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says we walk by faith; not by sight. So much easier said than done bc we want to have that instant gratification of answers in our life. 

But as we grow and mature as Christians we see this verse much much more for what it is. We have to pray daily and say out loud "I trust you Lord! I Trust you" the more we say and more we declare to believe the easier it is to live by Faith. 

All that being said I'm trusting that in good time. His time. I will get the answer from the judge. I trust that the answer will glorify the Lord and show his faithfulness. 

Have a blessed weekend. 

Standing on His promises. Fear not.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. “All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10-13 NIV)"

These scriptures can not scream to me loud enough. Through everything and everywhere I cling to the promise to Fear Not! It's so very hard to just push forward and move on with life when you literally have life crippling, heart wrenching circumstances. So when fear, worry and doubt creep into my head I have to immediately Rebuke them in the name of Jesus. This may sound silly to someone who is not familiar with His Word or who is new to Christisn faith. But as a growing, maturing Child of God it's a crucial action that must be taken daily. 

We can read the bible and do devotions everyday. This is a wonderful thing. But how you apply these words and devotions is what matters. It's not a one time thing and it takes being intentional. 

Fear can cripple us and make us I'll. it can determine our mood and attitude. When fear faces you you have two options!

1 give in to the fear. Let it consume you and control your actions. This is when it becomes sin. Or; 

2. You can rebuke it and turn to this scripture. .." Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am a your God." 

Option two is my choice and everyday I'm faced with fear and choose turn my eyes off of myself and fix my eyes on Jesus above. 

No problem is too big for God. No problem is too small. God has already fought your battle for you he's just waiting on us to trust him. I'm not expert on the bible or on faith. But I do know yhat in living Proof of what God can do in your heart and life through trials and circumstances. 

I write these post and blogs to hopefully inspire and encourage anyone going through a hard time no matter what it is. I don't intend to be a professional writer by any means. Thank you all for taking time to listen to me ramble. I write when my heart calls me to write. 

I'm a woman that's chasing after Gods heart while trying to search and find my own most days! 

Have a blessed day and live your day filled with courage and encouragement. 

If you love to read articles and blogs you will love this new app!

So with me being new to this writing and blogging world I'm learning that it's a whole new world! I've discovered this new app that you can download and use on your phone! It's really cool and you are one read or share away from your favorite article! Post are shared daily from popular blogs so this is just a way for you to connect even more and support those writing for whatever cause it may be! 

It's called bloglovin and you can search and follow some of the most popular or 

Personal blogs that are in the blogging world. Here's the link blogger.com and you can download the app from the App Store! 

Check out my blog and follow me on this new found journey! Http:/bloglovin.com/sunsetgrace! 

Thanks and God Bless your weekend! 

Everyday is a new day. Our mind is a war zone.Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Each day we wake up is a day to make a difference. We choose automatically with our mind the day we are going to have and the attitude we will way.

Literally our mind is a battlefield. Joyce Meyer has a book called Battlefiekd if the mind. She talks about how we control our thoughts and how the more we dwell on the good the more good things will happen.

How we think determines our day. So depressed, sad, angry or happy you wake up and choose. It may be a struggle and fight within but you can overcome the negative. Some mornings I have to pry myself out of bed and pray even before getting up to have a good attitude and positive energy. It's just being intentional with how we think. Crazy right?? 

"Be careful what you think about. The more you think about good things, the better your life will seem. The more you think about Jesus Christ and the principles He taught, the more you become like Jesus and the stronger you grow. And as you grow, you win the battle for your mind." Joyce Meyer

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. (Psalm 40:1-3 NIV)

The scripture is David's cry out to the Lord and how He delivered him and placed new thoughts in his mouth. Because what we feed our mind will come out of our mouths and from our hearts. 

So focus on the good and really pay attention to what you think about during the day. If you find yourself running astray just pray that God will give you abounding grace to fill your heart and mind with a good spirit and accept Christ like thoughts. Immediately you will notice the difference. Satan attacks us most when we are seeking the will of God for our lives. So pray outloud and declare Gods presence and he will Flee as it Says in James. 

We must first submit and take up our cross and go before our father. 

What are you thinking about today? How is your attitude? 

Stay positive and God Bless! 

Sometimes all you need is a Xanax and some Jesus.

Humor me a bit. We are humans and we do live in a society that frowns upon medication and would rather hide behind social media and painted on smiles in their perfectly portrayed family portraits. But let me just be real with you for a moment.. Life happens to all of us. To the degree of difficulty varies by person but I don't think in anyway is that a coincidence. It's all part of the master plan. 

I love fb and Instagram and I love staying in touch with friends and family and seeing their post. But we only post the happy moments and sometimes those moments are when we are in the most pain. 

There are things in life that happen and go farther beyond our control. You can't dwell on them though bc that's when your struggle, worry and fear become sin bc you let them control your life. 

Another thing that's frowned upon is mental illness. People avoid it like the plague. I know because I was one of those people. You said depression or anxiety and I ran like the wind. Of course I've been through hard times but I'm not sick. Ha story of my life. God did create us in his perfect image but we are not perfect nor will we ever be. Now I'm living with depression and bipolar type 2 disorder.( that's a whole other topic) 

Today is always an off day for me. Any day with court involved, legal jargon spoken or emails from my attorney always throw me off. I can pray all day and night but I know the kind of day I will have regardless. It's just a peaceful cloudy kinda day. 

Doesn't make sense does it? But does to me because all the prayers give. To me are what get me through these days. Nothing magical just the power of prayer. 

" not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, (Romans 12:11-12 NASB)"

Prayer is the best medicine that I've ever had! But reality of the entire situation is that my body trembles, my knees get weak and my heart races so hard that I can barely breathe. This is called anxiety. It really does exist and it happens before something stressful. So... There is power in some Xanax too! I say it to lighten the mood. Yes I have a prescription and yes I take it regularly. 

We are so scared to admit our faults. We are scared to say that we take medication and expect God to just take care of everything but that's not exactly how it works. He created medication to help us sometimes permanently but sometimes short term. Can we just accept the fact that life happens and happens to us! Because God loves us right where we are and continues to do so. 

Just thought I would break the ice and say that if you are battling depression, anxiety or bipolar or some other form of mental illness that you are still a child of God and he still loves you. Things just may be different for you and how you cope may be a lot different than others. 

Don't run from it anymore it just hurts you and those around you. Embrace who you are with what you have! 

For now I'll continue to pray continuously and take my Xanax as I need it! Praise the Lord for them both! He wants us to live smart! Not run around like a dog chasing its tail on the never ending emotional cycle! 

I can't imagine experiencing all I've gone through today and this past year without either! 

There is Victory in Jesus. Part 1

I sit here this morning reading my bible and drinking my coffee to just allow God to search my heart and soul. Lord know that I'm far from perfect and have made so many mistakes in my lifetime. For so long I use to say one day I'll get my life together and do things right. So many years have slipped between my finger tips. Not so much regrets but so many what ifs??

I learned this weekend at marriage conference that we can no longer allow our past to dictate our futures. I hold true to this statement and declare a victory in my life. 

Reading the book of Ephesians this morning Paul speaks with such mercy and grace while being imprisoned. Who would have thought that a man that persecuted Christians would turn out to be such a man of God and to me one of the greatest writers in the Bible. It shows me that regardless of how things turn out in life that no matter the situation nor circumstance that the Lord will use all things to work for his good according to its purpose. 

I know that today in this court room that God will have his hand upon me and my family. I pray to him that his will be Glorified and that his power be made known. These days never get easier. My heart races. My thoughts crowd my mind. My body trembles. But somewhere in the midst of it all a peace fills my body and it's like the Lord says child I'm here with you. 

Psalm 46:10 says Be still and know that I am God. It's quoted so much in the world today but until you truly understand what being still means you just can't comprehend the power in our Jesus. He's merciful and gracious. He's sitting at the right hand of God on the thrown And already knows the outcome. He's waiting for us to fully trust him. 

This morning 1peter 3:7-9 course through my mind and heart and it's these verses I cling to for hope and grace. 

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-9 NIV)"

Though I have not seen, I know In my heart. I pray that later today I can write to you about my victory in Jesus and show you truly the power of prayer. 

A broken identity. Be still my soul part 5.

The weeks following the life shattering news of being accused of the death of my patient that day lingered on like a cloud going across the sun. Instantly grief filled my soul and the loss of what I thought was my identity. 

By identity I speak of what we define ourselves by. For many it's by their jobs, hobbys or whether they are a wife or mother. For me I defined my life and purpose as being a nurse. I thought that my calling in life was to help others and by doing so I was called to be a nurse. I loved what I did. I loved the science of nursing. I loved the aspect of helping someone get better or even more saving that persons life. These things I identified with. It's what I got my degree in college to do with my life. I just knew that I would always have a job and always have an opportunity to help someone in some way. All this just one day SHATTERED! 

My identity was home to the icu. Otherwise known as critical care or intensive care unit. It's where the sickest of patients came to get the most intensive immediate treatment, procedures and medications. My heart was in this field of nursing. The adrenaline rush of saving a persons life during an emergency made me function to the highest capacity my mind allowed. There is just no other feeling like being a nurse. I truly loved my job and career. 

So there are a few parts to the grieving process. In the beginning I was in denial.. Like this can't be happening. God why me? I couldn't believe that in a matter of 24 hours my life as a nurse would no longer be.. Much less be the same ever again. My life for the past 7-8 years was that consisting of nursing. I had no idea what else I would do. What if I'm just in a bad dream? Maybe they just have made a mistake. 

The answer to those questions was no. 

And then there was Anger. This didn't really last that long honestly. I was never mad at God. I was mad at myself. I was angry that the one time I didn't chart acceptionally and detailed was the time my own life depended on it. I was angry and hurt that all of this surfaced because of another mans actual anger and revenge from the loss of his own job. I was angry that of all people to be accused of such a tragedy it was me. I was the nurse that wanted things done right! I fought for my co workers to be treated fairly and for our patients to be cared for. But anger didn't lay prevalent in my life long. God replaced that anger with some crazy joy that I found while being home with my little boy. Which led to bargaining. 

I told God that if he would just make this go away that I would do better. I'd live a better life. I'd be a better mom. A better wife. A better child of God. I promised God all of these things in hopes that he would just help make this nightmare go away. I bargained with him daily and for months. I pleaded. I cried. I prayed. But I know that he heard my pleas and my cries. He whispered in my ear many times "child of mine it's not your time yet. Just be patient sweet child". I heard I

His voice so many times in the midst of my crying and anguish. He calmed me in the storms as the court dates came and left with yet again no deliverance. Many a times I turned to this scripture and it brought peace that surpasses any understanding you can ever imagine.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8 NIV

This scripture lies so dear to my heart. It got me through and still gets me through some really tough times. Which leads now to acceptance. A year and 2 months later I've learned to accept the things in life that we cannot change. For that are just a mere season of life and where we are is by no accident because our Lord has our side. Crazy to think that as a Christian everything that goes on in our life has to go through the Lord first and he has to give permission for those circumstances to come your way. So when they say the Lord won't place on you anymore than you can handle this is what that means. He knows your future as a child of God is with him and he knows that your future is secure with Him. By stopping to accept where you are in life it truly defines just how powerful and gracious our Father is to us. He loves us so much and though he may not understand the pain and things of life we have endured his Son Jesus Christ does. 

I say this all to just help you understand how I've grown to accept and embrace my circumstances. My circumstances, my past, my depression nor my battle with an eating disorder do not define me. My career as a nurse no longer defines me. My identity has changed. It's been around for a long time but it's now the only identity that I want to define me. I am a child of God. A sister in Christ and a woman that loves God with all my heart and he comes first in my life. I'm a wife and a mother with a calling in life to love and serve others. It just looks differently now. As each day passes I lift up my head no matter how I feel and I will praise Jesus in the storm. Until the storm passes I'll continue to walk in sunshine and let my God love me where I am. 

In Christ and God bless.