Tuesday came. No cycle.
Wednesday came. July 15 2015 I'll never forget that day. I felt odd. Something was up. I'm late for my cycle. Could it be?? NOOOO it's just not the right time in my life right now. It's filled with chaos and turmoil and the fear of the unknown. A few minutes later I drove to Walgreens. We didn't have much money at the moment so I may have spent our last $20 on a pregnancy test. I hurried home.
Waiting. Waiting. I prayed "Lord if this be your will for my life right now I'll accept whatever result pops up."
There it appeared. Pregnant. Excitement filled my insides for several minutes. Then I sent the pic to my hubby. "Is that real?" He asked. "Yep!" I replied. Then just sat in awe. Wow Lord are you sure about this? I mean my life is so unpredictable right now. That's when he spoke to me clear as day and said "My child I promise you everything will be alright! You are going to be a mom again and will be here to raise your children." That was a promise. I felt peace and the giddiness took over followed by fear. The devil started playing mind games with me. Telling me others would think I was crazy to bring a child into the world right now with my situation. The questions of my future, prison, court, the battles were real.
Later that day I received an email from my attorney Tracy. He informed me we had been denied a motion that could have been a breaking point in my case. I was so discouraged. Here I am newly pregnant with a future not looking so bright. I felt deep down everything would be ok but the facts of not knowing we're just stinking reality.
It was a few days later that I realized being denied that motion was a sign. It happened the very day that the Lord spoke promises to me. This child was no mistake and most importantly was given to me in a time of dyer need to feel loved and wanted again.
I don't speak of these things often. For fear of what others would think but I will not hold back any longer. I went into this pregnancy a different person than I was with my first. I was a depressed, manic type 2 bi polar diagnosed woman struggling. I decided to come off my medicine since I found out I was pregnant.
Not a good idea. Almost 3 weeks into my pregnancy I could barely drag myself out of bed. I was in such a dark pit. Questioning everything. I went to my psych doctor and saw my OB dr and told them what the deal wAs. Soon after I started back on my medicine. Took almost a month to gain myself back. Bad choice there. I'm type two Bipolar which means instead of long periods of mania I suffer from long periods of the depressed state. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain. Not self diagnosed but noticed by my therapist I saw for 2 years. This my friends is real life. So many folks we know struggle and suffer in silence. I want to break that silence.
No longer embarrassed to know that mental health is a real thing. I ran from it for far too long. Scared to End up like my mother. Found out It's also genetic. My mom and my my brother had it. I surely hope to not pass it down to my children. I don't wish this madness on anyone. But after years of impulsive spending, relationships and decisions I've finally got a grip on my life. When I feel the darkness gripping me I pray harder. I mean on my redeemer to bring me out of the pit!
July I learned A lot that month. I learned to accept myself for who I am. I learned that the Lord gives us promises in specific ways. I learned to start speaking up and being real with my emotions. I learned that the next 9 months would be the hardest 9 months of my life! Only to have a surprise thrown in there halfway during it. Stay tuned to more promises the Lord showed me. How God has a since of humor and how I dealt with pregnancy, mental health disorders and tragedy all wrapped into one big basket.
God bless.
I
No comments:
Post a Comment