Living in the funk is what I call it. There really is no balance. Life can change in a matter of seconds and your happy cheerful mood is replaced with feeling blah and blue. There is a pretty consistent pattern of highs and lows yet sometimes you are plagued with an Intolerable amount of negative emotions.
Here I am now. Faced with the dark cloud. It's come over me like a thunderstorm on a summer day. It was just sunshine and blue skies outside. Why must I feel this way? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't get a grip. Sinking further and further down. It's days like these that I wish I could stay in bed. But instead I have to put on my happy face and get out in the world. Days like the past few days where I don't know who I am. I feel yuck. Struggling. To hold my eyes open bc the negative emotion drains me and I feel exhausted mentally.
I drag myself up and down outta bed every night to comfort crying babies. Lord are you sure this is the life for me I ask? I tear up from all the screaming.. Crying babies overwhelm my mind. But I stay strong and comfort them back to sleep. One at a time. Then comes morning..
Another day.. Another day to come where I drag myself out of bed. Lacking the energy and motivation I need to get up. I'm seriously wishing I could just wrap myself in a bubble right now. But I'm a mom, a wife and advocate for life. I must get up and put on my happy face. If only I could find my happy place in life again. I know this won't last long. But it seems like forever. I. Can't. Even. Think. Straight.
You see bipolar type 2 is known for its depressive state. The highs and lows fluctuate even being on medication it still fluctuates. Things would be alot worse if I wasn't on meds you see. Most of the time when we here bipolar with think of a crazy person going off the deep end. A person of mood shifts and angry outburst, tons of relationships and impulsive spending. This however describes the manic part of bipolar. We don't hear a lot of the depression associated with being diagnosed with such disorder. But for me the depression is what I'm hit hard with. It happens for NO REASON! Coming every couple of weeks. The battle is real and without warning..
Life suffers when I am faced with this episode. That's what it is an episode. It is short lived but heavily onset. Going from highly motivated to sluggish and slow to role all within a matter of minutes.
How to deal? I pray a lot and talk to the Lord. I get my strength from Him to endure the challenging times ahead. I rely on my devotions to uplift me. I surround myself with positive motivated people. I lean on close friends to speak life to me. I'm not very verbal about it but those that are around me know when this strikes. I let things go that I'm normally on top of. Laundry piles up. My house is a hot mess..(well hot mess for normal) I don't wash my hair for days and I avoid mirrors at all cost. The struggle with losing baby weight is high on my radar so it's a big disaster some days. I just wake up each day with a decision to over come the what seems like impossible state of mind. I exercise daily and always start out dreading it but leave feeling accomplished. My diet has a lot to do with the severity of my depression too. If I eat high fat, carb overload and unhealthy stuff I feel weighed down. But if my diet is wholesome my mood is elevated some. I try to get good sleep at night but with the twins that's near impossible since moving them to their beds. I choose to recognize and cope. I deal with the emotions running through my mind. Some days I recluse to my house. I'm quiet to talk and you may not hear from me for days. I tune out life.
It's a battle. But it's not what defines me. I'm only human and sometimes life is just messed up. We are dealt the cards but how we choose live regardless of obstacles says a lot about our inner integrity and character.
For now I drink my spark and get dressed for the day to come! It's Wednesday and today is spin! I have folks counting on me to motivate! It keeps me going!
Here's to random thoughts and living a double minded kinda life. I wonder how many others struggle with this bc it's frowned upon in society to even discuss it out loud. 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness. That's a lot of people! Becoming aware of our emotions and not being controlled by them is what we can do to be different! Being supportive to one another and realizing that sometimes just having an understanding ear is all that person needs.
For now I'll continue fighting the lowest of lows and striving to make it to the top of the mountain! Today I'll be me! The best version of me I can be.
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