When you change your mind, you will change your life.

 

I read a blog a few minutes ago about a post of God giving you more than you can handle. So many of us, myself included tend to use that phrase "God will never give us more than we can handle." It's thrown around during trials and struggles and we just shove it down people's heads like we have nothing else to say. I guess because it just sounds good and we don't know what else to say. 

I ate these words over the past few years. I learned that God will give us or allow us to be given more than we can handle. More than we can stand or bear. There will come a time in your life when you are dealt a nasty deck of cards. Your struggle may not be the same as your friends or co workers. It may not feel the same as another time of struggle. But it will come. We are human. Life sucks sometimes. The older we get in life the more we will see many things and see our loved ones hurt. 

Death of a loved one. 

Addiction. 

Eating disorders. 

Car wrecks. 

Natural disasters. 

Divorce. 

Sick kids. 

Sick parents. 

Being falsely accused of a crime. (Based on my personal experience!) 

The list goes on. The pain cuts deep and the struggle is real. 

Yes bad things happen. This is only a minut example of them. This has been you or may be you one day dealing with a certain situation. The problem in today's world is how we react to hard times. Most of the time it's easy to just give up and give in. Giving in to those feelings of poor me. I've been through so much in this lifetime. We become focused on the negative in life and can't see past it when something positive happens. What we feed our mind will change our heart. It runs our lives. If you feed on the negative you will be in a constant state of depression. Depression is a real thing y'all! It can be a side effect of hormones, your circumstance or a chemical imbalance in your brain. But it's real. It's given life when you allow what's going on to have power over you. When you are clinging to your own energy and self instead of clinging to the cross. 

Hundreds of thousands of Christians battle with depression everyday. I myself have fought depression my whole life. But here recently after taking back over my life and mind I've come to realize that depression lies deep within us and can beat us up only if we allow it too. Only if we are fighting the battle by ourselves. 

When we let go and let God life appears to us in a different manner. We can breathe again, sleep again and enjoy life again. Another saying we here all the time. What is it like to truly let go? That's another topic for a different day. But no seriously.. If we learn, teach ourselves to truly trust in the Lord life is much more peaceful. It is a daily taught lesson to learn to do. You won't get it overnight! Took me 3 years to really learn how to trust God. 

I battled this for the past 3 years as I was fighting a battle that I could never see the end coming. I never knew what life was going to bring me and lived in a degree of uncertainty. It was not a way to live. But it was reality during that time. 

People would tell me God won't leave me or give me more than I could handle. But I found this to be inaccurate. I was given more than I could imagine in a lifetime. I was dealt a crappy deck of cards. But it only was a season of life. I learned so much about myself and about my faith during the past couple of years. I learned to change my way of thinking and that if we wake up with a positive attitude regardless that life will be much calmer. 

We control our thoughts. We control the way we think. Our mind is a powerful tool. Did you know that you can decide how you are going to think that day? Try it. Wake up and no matter how groggy, how tired you are tell yourself today is going to me AWESOME! This can affect your life forever. 

Today no matter your circumstance know that God loves you and He is the ONLY one that will and can bring you through it. You are a child of the Lord and he will never leave you nor forsake you. 

Today change your mind to love yourself again. Today appreciate your struggle bc through it God will get the glory. He will get the glory bc you trusted in Him during  the hard times. You will love yourself more if you are your own personal cheerleader! 

Let go and let God! Never say God won't give us more than we can handle bc in the end He will and hearing that is by far the most non comforting sentence you can say to someone. Just saying. 

Have a blessed day. 

 

My story. Life after tragedy! The questions I have answers to!

So the other day I started writing the rest of my story by sharing the end of it first. I have so much to say regarding those circumstances, but will write that at another time. Here's what happened after the verdict and where I am today. 

The night of February 19, 2016 was a night I had forgotten about. It was calm. It was silent. You could here a pin drop and hear my heart pound. Still stricken with panic even after I was given the not guilty verdict by 12 strangers. It was a restless night. Replaying the last 4 days over in my mind. Still scared that at any moment I was going to disappear into a strange cold cell. Fear. That's all it was. My therapist said it was normal to suffer such anxiety after a huge trauma in my life. So this went on for 4 nights in a row. Me nor my husband slept at all. I was exhausted and by this time 36 weeks pregnant with our twin girls. Something had to give. 

Finally some rest a week after the verdict. Finally sleep. Finally a night of being somber and full of peace. Why had the Lord allowed such a tragic thing to take over my life? Why me? Why my family? The hurt the anguish. But then that one day finally came after. Peace that surpasses all understanding. The scripture I clung to during the last 3 years finally made sense. I finally felt peace and tasted freedom again. The hymn victory in Jesus played on my mind. 

Soon after things returned to our new normal I had a sweet dear friend of mine, my sons preschool teacher give me a beautiful painting. With a song Free to worship by Eddie James written on the back of it. Oh the tears I cried listening to that song! If you have never heard it please go listen to it now. Tears of pure joy. What a precious soul to paint such a brilliant picture for me during the hardest trial id ever encountered. Here's a snapshot of that painting! I tried taking a picture but my camera is full! Figures! 

It was that song that brought my mind back to reality and help me process everything that had gone on the past week! So thankful for all the friends that supported me and prayed for me during that time! 

March 7th 2016 at 12:49 we welcomed our first baby girl Kennedy Mae into the world and 1 minute later her sister Kailyn Ruth came into the world! My precious miracle gifts from the Lord. Here's my family that day. 

These pictures reflect Gods master plan! We live the blue print but he's got the hard copy of our lives planned out hair by hair and beat by beat! Both of our girls were healthy! I made it to 38 weeks and 3 days without being dilated one centimeter after all the stress of the trial! Incredible! He was with me the entire time. The times I felt mistaken, depressed, used and forgotten He was there! Always! 

I mean what are the odds of having twins?! Randomly! Spontaneously!? With my circumstances?? It was not the ideal situation. But I said from the beginning this is Gods promise to me. And he fulfilled that promise. ❤️ 

Here are some questions people have asked me I thought I would share. 

Where am I today??

Busy!! My baby girls are 3 1/2 months now! Life is crazy busy! Monday through Friday we are all at the Ymca working out. This keeps me sane! Soon after I started working out there a position to teach fitness classes came available! My love for spin has always pushed me. Here I am today teaching spin class every Wednesday morning at 9 am! Such a blessing! Getting paid to do what I love most! Never thought in a million years I'd get the opportunity to pursue my dreams but they door opened and I gladly took it! Thanks Ann and Catherine for having faith in me and giving me this chance! Not only will it help whip me in shape and keep me accountable but it also allows me to encourage and motivate others! My favorite part! 

Do I still have my nursing license? 

Yes, though it's temporally suspended due to situation and I need to get that taken care of this year sometime. I still am/ will be a nurse, an RN forever! It's in my soul down deep. I miss it terribly. But it's a door God has chosen to close for now. 

Will I ever nurse again? 

Later when the kids are all in school I may go back to school to become a nurse practitioner or will get a clinic job with good hours. But it will be a long time if I ever go back. Being stung puts a sour taste in my mouth for a while. 

Do I forgive the two co workers and nurses that made those accusations against me? 

Yes I forgave them a long time ago. I was bitter for a long time until I realized what was keeping me that way. I forgave both he and she. I'll never understand why I was used as an example in the medical field. Coworkers are not always true friends. Learned that the hard way. But I pray that they saw Jesus through all of this and that their hearts closer to the Lord. 

Why didn't I testify? I planned on testifying that Friday morning. I had pushed myself up to do so. I wanted them to hear my side. My attorney suggested not doing so. I listened to him. 

Did the doctors charge for their testimony? No. None of the doctors on my side charged me anything. A huge blessing bc we had already spent thousands of dollars related to this. I think this spoke millions about them. They did it out of the goodness of their hearts and spoke the truth. 

Do I watch the news? I finally can again. Very seldom do I bc they blasted my name for the world to see and didn't think twice about it. I cringe and feel sorry for every person I see shared across social media. You never get the whole story! So quit sharing articles you read folks! They only hit the highlights that sell! 

Why cleaning houses? 

I love to clean! I'm good at it! And it's easy money! It's a ministry in itself to serve and help other families live a better non cluttered kind of life! ❤️

These are several questions I've gotten over the past few months! If you have a specific question email me and I'll write about it! My life is open book. I truly believe it's being used to glorify my God and to shine a light in the darkness! 

Life now is full of changing diapers, babies crying, chasing a 4 year old, fixing dinner, meal prep, healthy lifestyle changes, running, cleaning Houses, AdvoCare, classes at the Ymca and going to church! I still clean a few houses on the side and love my AdvoCare! It's been a total blessing through all of this! Food on the table kind of blessing! So yeah.. Everyday is like a box of chocolate! You never know what your gonna get! :) 

Have a blessed day! 

 

 

 

My Story. The verdict. Gods Mercy revealed. Part 3

3am Restless. Can't sleep. It's been a long week. I'm 35 1/2 weeks pregnant and this week has not been a normal week for this pregnant mama. Every minute passing is torture. Sheer question. Doubt. Fear... Of the unknown. My life right now was an open book. But the pages were about to turn.. 

February 19, 2016 

8am No ordinary morning. The house is chill. Mood is ominous. I get dressed. Put on makeup to hide the exhaustion and fear in my eyes. Everyone has said this week I've been so strong. So courageous. They don't see me on the inside. Gripped by fear and grasping peace at the same time. Who and what have I become? 

8:15 I get a text from my attorney asking me to meet him early that morning. Running late but I'll be there in 30 minutes. I wish I had known to go there earlier than planned. 

8:45 We arrive at the courthouse. This is no ordinary place. This is the place where my life is in the hands of the world. Until I'm reminded by my mother in law that no child.. Your life is in the arms of the Lord. 

Shuttering with a chill I walk into the courtroom. I've accepted the fact that today is the day. The day my voice will be heard. Today I will Speak! It wasn't until some 5 minutes later that I was informed I would not be testifying that morning. This came as a surprise. Don't they need to hear my side. I need to prove my innocence. What If the jury thinks I'm guilty bc I don't speak. 

So many thoughts fill my head. But this was best decided by my attorney and He was in control of this case. 

The conference room was stuffy. Filled with the smell of coffee. It was me, my attorney, Dr Stogner and Wesley Medical Centers attorney in that room that morning. We continued to talk right until the judge walked in. 

9am.. My mind has shut down.. Everything from these past couple days have completely worn me down emotionally. I sit here. Pregnant. Huge. Expecting two.. Not one precious lives. Why me Lord.? Why? I look across the room.. It's quiet. 

And there they sit.. 12 strangers. 12 people I've never seen before. 12 lives with opinions, hearts, minds and souls. Who are they? Why were they chosen. Yep. They are the chosen few. To sit in on my case.. Their faces blank. I can't see emotion. They listen intently and do not budge. Back n forth we go. 

I dunno the time by now but when Dr Stogner took the stand for me that morning there was a feeling of peace rush over me. This dr who I had worked for years ago, who doesn't remember me, came to speak and testify on my behalf for free. FREE! He didn't charge us some 20k later for a response we wanted to hear. He spoke the truth that morning. He explained facts. He was incredible! I'll be forever thankful for that man sitting in the stand that morning for me. 

1230.. I think. My brain is fried by now.. Closing arguments have come and gone. Such cruel words spoken against me. The attorney generals office and lawyers are fierce and hungry ready to seek and devour like a lion. They are evil demons seeking to destroy me at whatever cost. 3 years we have waited for this week to come. They have nothing but words. Words spoken against me. Nothing concrete. Nothing hardcore. Nothing in stone. Just words. But these words have forever changed my life. 

After closing arguments we broke for lunch and then after that the jury would be presented with some rules.. Rules of making a decision. A decision that they were to agree upon. I force myself to eat bc I feel sick. My blood sugar had dropped and between that and my nerves I felt weak. I must take care of these babies I kept telling myself. Praying every second of the way. I finally broke down.. I was alone. Room felt dark. The crazy thoughts invoked my mind. What if I'm guilty? What if I'm guilty? Lord what if they find me guilty? My mother in law and husband found me trembling in the conference room. They gripped me and held on tight. I cried and cried hard. The what ifs just clouded my mind that very moment. What if???? Mercy Jesus I plead for your grace right now. 

Back in the courtroom my heart is racing. Fear. Doubt. Worry. I'm stricken by them all. Can I just run away? I need to breathe by this point. Rules were given to the jury. Final thoughts given by the judge. I'm not quite sure what else went on those few hours to come. All I know is that at 3pm 12 strangers went into a private room to talk about me. 

The most heart wrenching, grueling few hours. I visited with my family and friends that had come to support me. Wanna find out who your true friends are? Wanna find out who has your back in times of trouble? Be accused of a crime. Be accused of MURDER! Because people will RUN!!!! They are scared of sufferings, hard times. The people you think will be there for you are the ones that are the most distant to non existent. But that's a whole other topic. 

I tried to hold it together. Every second. Every minute was one minute closer to the Verdict. The answer. The words that would either make or break the rest of my life. 

And then.. The knock.. They are DONE. Omg! It's 5pm. Chills rolling down my spine! I glare at my husband! I cling to my chair. This is it. Lord please I beg you. 

The judge had the jury lasy speak and say they had unanimously came to a decision. Could this be good? Could it be bad? I just have no idea. But here it comes. 

The circuit clerk Martin took the paper. This guy I played with as a child on the playground. I grew up with him and now my life was literally in his hands. Literally there are either one or two words on that piece of paper. My heart is racing. I can't think straight. I may pass out. I pray continuously.. 

He read "Not Guilty". I gasped in relief. Hands in my face I cried. I sat there in a daze. I could here my family and people in the room crying with joy but I could not move. Those two words.. That's it? Just those words is all we came here for? I'm free. Lord I'm free! I stand up and give my attorney the biggest hug of thank you! I can't believe it's over. 3 years of hell and torment over my head was finally over. NOT GUILTY! I played it over and over in my mind. God you have shown up and shown out! Thank you Lord for loving me. Your plan is the master plan and I'm sorry for not trusting you more. So many thoughts running through my mind. 

Of course the media is here. The local paper interviewed my attorney while I hugged my family and friends. When out of no where the patients sister came over to me and apologized for everything. She insisted on telling me she never thought I did anything wrong to her brother. She hugged me and said it was just a bad deck of cards I was dealt and the AG were just doing their job. She apologized a few more times and told me how much she appreciated all I did to help try to save her brothers life. I told her how much that meant coming from her after all this time. I stand amazed. 

Then 10 minutes later from that very moment.. It's like nothing had ever happened.. Here we were headed to pick up our son from my nanas and head home. For the first time in 3 years I could go home in peace. It was a weird feeling I'm not gonna lie. Took 4-5 days to quit having nightmares and restless nights but I finally was able to get some sleep. 

Our phones lit up with calls and texts.. Not guilty I wrote. Over and over. Apparently it's hit the media I told my hubby because everyone knows already. That's ok I said bc Justice prevailed today and Gods mercy filled that courtroom! Here's to freedom. You never know how much to appreciate your freedom until it's threatened to be taken away. Live each day as if it's your last. Let my life light up your hard times. 

For we Serve a mighty Savior and for that He Lives! 

NOT GUILTY. Still so surreal! I thank the Lord everyday for my life he's given me back! Don't look back on yesterday. Push through to tomorrow! Love in the present!

This picture is hard to look at but they say a picture is worth a thousand words.