Delayed post but RESULTS are in!

So the end of the cleanse came for me this past Saturday but I ended it on the beach with my family! I did my measurements but had no scale of course! The whole point of doing this 10 day cleanse was to re establish better eating habits and to detox my body from any sugar and processed foods I had been eating. It's just a good jumpstart for your digestive system and you feel amazing with energy! 

My main focus was on eating 5-6 smaller meals during the day and not so much snacking! The new fiber drink is awesome bc you can mix it with spark and it has no flavor or texture! Just don't leave it sitting bc fiber gets thick and expands like it does in your belly! That's why it's very filling. 

I worked out 4-5 days a week while doing this cleanse and focused more on strength training instead of cardio. Muscles burn more fat longer term than cardio. 👊🏻👊🏻

So here are my results! 4 POUNDS OF fat LOST! I lost an inch off my waist, my chest and my hips! I gained an inch of muscle in my biceps and quad muscles. 

Super excited with these results! The numbers don't have to move drastically for you to see huge results! Trust in the process and learn to be more in tune with your body. Strive for progress not perfection! 

Order your 24 day challenge or 10 day cleanse today if you want personalized coaching and accountability! Never too late to start your journey to health! 

24daychallengemovie.com explains the challenge in a 5 min clip!

Check out my page to order yours today! 

www.advocare.com/13076223 

Herbal cleanse days 3-5!!! Boom!

It's been go go go all weekend but it's been a good one. Still going strong on my cleanse! Keeping a positive attitude and just fired up about life in general! 

Key benefits of doing this Advocare Herbal cleanse: this is my own personal experience and nothing but personal based on what I've learned and heard. 

-increases your energy levels 

-increases your metabolism 

-detoxes your body of all the waste that builds up over time and leads to being fatigued and sluggish 

- the fiber helps to pull all that gunk out of your digestive tract 

- the probiotic helps restore the good bacteria your gut needs to digest food properly 

- the cleanse tablets help to regulate your bowel movements and get things flowing gently and uneventful :) 

Even though on the go I've had shakes for breakfast because they are absolutely delicious! 

I got a little over excited and jumped on the scale and I'm down 3 pounds already! I know it's several inches too just waiting for day 11 to measure! Don't focus on a number though focus on how you feel and how your clothes fit! 

Lunch has been pretty much leftovers! Chicken chili on Friday! Yesterday I was with a large group and we had Mexican. I ordered the chicken fajitas with no cheese, sour cream or tortillas! They were delicious! Little too much oil but best option I had to eat! 

Today lunch was baked chicken, green beans and a few sautéed red potatoes and onions. 

For dinner I had a grilled chicken salad with strawberrys! From Wendy's it's healthy and amazing! 

Like I said I've been on the go but meal planning and prep are the key to success! Tomorrow I will make a menu for the week and plan for that week! You can be busy but if you plan a few meals it will decrease the stress in your life even more! 

My timehop to my friend yesterday! 2 years ago and still going strong! It's a way of living and life! It's not a fad diet it's just saying to the world that you can get back control of your life and that your family needs you healthy!! What have you got to lose?! 

Accepting the past and moving forward.

So glad to serve a gracious and merciful Heavenly Father. He forgives me for my faults and loves on me daily. I'm learning to truly love and trust him deeper than ever. It's really true what they say about your relationship with your dad growing up can affect how you love and accept your Father in heaven. Not having much of a dad growing up at all it's been hard to look to God as my father but each day I learn and accept more of him to guide and lead me. I pray that he softens my heart and helps me learn to love him more as my father, my dad and most of all my father in Heaven. We have to look past our past sometimes because it can hinder our relationship with the Lord. But if we accept our past we can move on by his grace and mercy and his abounding love with fall on our lives. ❤️ #faith #father #God #trust #mercy #grace #love #Friday #freedom #powerful #thoughts

My journey with the Advocare Herbal cleanse.

I admit I've been in a huge funk over the past month and boy am I glad that's over! God is so good and faithful it's like one day I snapped back into! So much to share that has gone on but right now I'm just focusing on being healthy and getting my body back feeling good. God wants us to love ourselves and take care of us because if we don't take care of ourselves we are no good to our family, husband, friends or work! We are just ruined if we let our diet go down the drain and stop moving intentionally. You will hear that word a lot! Intentional! What are you intentional about?? 

Today I am sharing with you my experience of the Advocare Herbal cleanse and what it's like to be intentional. No this is not my first cleanse I have been doing Advocare for 2 years now but this is my first time into a look in my life and sharing my passion and love. I want you to have an in look into what it takes to commit to doing this cleanse or the 24 day challenge. 

First thing is food prep is key because if you fail to plan you plan to fail and it's true! I grill chicken breasts, boil eggs, make protein balls, cool crockpot chicken to use for meals during the week and have lots of frozen and canned veggies to use for recipes! This cleanse I've been on a tighter budget with groceries so I'm learning to be more wise planning my menu for the week. No eating out! It's not an option! So prepare food! Protein in bulk and have lots of snacks for small meals. Think 5 small meals per day instead of snacks! It's what I have to train myself to do! 

Here's a picture of what I'll be doing the next few days! 

So heres what my day looked like! 

First thing I did before the gym at 5am is weighed and measured! Then to the gym for a sweat session with weight training. I'm focusing more on weights right now than cardio. I'm aiming at lower impact workouts until I can get my energy levels back up and this body feeling better. Dr orders! 

Came home and mixed my mango strawberry spark and unflavored  fiber drink and chugged it down! Followed by 2 probiotics which are good bacteria for your digestive system and 2 omega plex which are good fats to flush out the bad fats! Omegas are good for every system in your body! They help your skin, nails get stronger and hair gets healthier and longer. This was around 7am! 

Around 30 minutes later I mixed my shake and FELL IN LOVE! I am drinking the new lemon ice cake shake and it's DELICIOUS! I don't chug it so I can savor every gulp! :) These shakes have 24 grams of carbs and 24 grams of protein in them so they are balanced to keep you fuel and rev up your metabolism! They taste sooooo good! I'm just not a breakfast person so shakes are great for

Me! 

So that was my morning routine! 

I cleaned a house that morning and had a quest protein bar for a snack around 1030! This is a minimally processed delicious way to get my protein in while on the go! 

Around 1pm I got home and had lunch. I ate a chicken breast, boiled egg and hummus! It was yummy! 

Followed by my 2nd liter of water and 2 more omegas! Fueled and ready to go! Having another house to clean I drank another scoop of spark and went on my way! Energy for hours! Feeling really good! 

Around 3pm I ate a handful of almonds and drank more water! Be intentional! Eat every few hours and drink lots of water! 

For dinner we ate before church at 530 and I had left over turkey spaghetti with whole wheat pasta. Not much pasta more meat sauce than anything and it's better to use spaghetti squash or zuchinni noodles as other options! I had a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese and 2 more omegaplex! 

Finishing up my 3rd liter of water I was actually hungry before bed so I grabbed a protein ball and a banana and enjoyed those! 

Today was a good day! I'm still logging my food on my fitness pal but Advocare has a great 24 day challenge app to guide you along your day! 

Saw this quote and loved it! Why not you? Why not me? Why not learn to love yourself and learn to love life?? Here's to a healthier future with consistency around all the borders! I'm going to try to write about each day if not every other day! But today is Day 2 and I'm feeling more motivated than ever! Let's do this! 👊🏻👊🏻 How can you be more intentional today?! 

Humble me Lord. Rescue me.

It's been a few weeks since my last post and that post wasn't most uplifting. I was at my breaking point emotionally and physically and that's where I have been the past few weeks... Broken, tired and exhausted. I'm so ashamed for how I have felt, so down and depressed, not able to enjoy the things good in this life and focused so much on everything that's gone wrong that it's clouded my view of Gods blessings. But we are human and his grace is abounding. Though I may feel weak it's by his Grace that gets me out of bed. He makes me strong so that I can do the daily events to be done. 

As I clean each week I have found myself knee deep In Idolatry.. I never really understood what this meant until now.. I clean all these big houses and long for what they have.. I long for the nice houses, big bathrooms and vacations that are being taken. Some days so consumed by my desires that it puts my mind in such a dark place. I start to question God if I am even worth anything.. I mean I'm 30 years old and we struggle from week to week to make ends meet. Some days I wish I could just vanish bc the pain of life is just too much to bear.. I dwell on the past.. I've asked for forgiveness for my past sins but Satan just keeps throwing them in my face and torments me and my thoughts.. I pray daily for a victory! I pray continuously.. But I find myself doubting.. Wondering if I am worthy of the Lords forgiveness.. 

Oh what a mess I am. A selfish mess. I look around me being so caught up in me me me and forget about others around me. God has not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. 1 Timothy 1:7

I know this post is just a hot mess but it's just a direct reflection of what happens when we let Satan win and control our thoughts and when we give in to negative thoughts and selfishness. But today is a glorious day! Today I've got a victory all thanks to my friend sharing Psalm 25 with me.. She asked me how I was doing and I was just honest last night.. No I'm not fine.. I'm in a dark place and fighting some serious battles. A spiritual battle.. So I share with you this scripture in hopes that you find victory in Jesus and find hope amidst your circumstances. 

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good. Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful toward those who keep the demands of his covenant. For the sake of your name, Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who, then, are those who fear the Lord? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose. They will spend their days in prosperity, and their descendants will inherit the land. The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you. Deliver Israel, O God, from all their troubles! (Psalm 25:1-22 NIV)

My prayer today. Father I thank you for the blessings you have placed in my life. The blessings I cannot always see and those that I take for granted. Lord I pray that you will help me recognize your presence in my life and gain wisdom from your word. Lord I turn to you and seek only You today. Forgive me of my faults and failures. Help me to see beyond the past and have hope in the future. I pray that you will protect my family and help me be a shining light to those in darkness. Thank you for all you have done in my heart and all that you are going to do in Jesus name Amen! 

Today I'm weak and weary. I'm fed up!

This scripture is just what I needed today. Just a day that I wanna just go crawl back in bed and not clean another house. I wanna just hide. Crawl into a hole and disappear. Silly thoughts I know but goodness when it hits it hits hard. This was not the life I envisioned. Not the life I had planned. Why is the struggle so daunting and things so hard. So many around me just seem to have it all together, deceiving I know this too, but my mind is just weak today. I'm human. I grow faint and weary. I'm fighting every single day for my family. For life. For justice. For freedom. Ohhhh... But GOD! It's Just one of those days feeling defeated and exhausted and God told me to just open my app and there it laid written for me and anyone else out there needing some encouragement today for whatever reason. Rejoice in the Lord.. No matter. Rejoice. Train your mind to defeat those negative thoughts that can just cause us to crumble. The Lord does not give us a spirit of fear and worry those thoughts come from the enemy. And when your having your worst of worst days is when a victory is coming and he's trying to block ur confident in the Lord. Just pray and know that God is the God of ALL things. All positive, loving and New! #trust #faith #harddays #mindset #God #nevergiveup #defeattheodds #courage #life #ButGod #determination #powerthoughts

Wise Wednesday's

Sometimes if we listen to those negative voices in the back of our mind we start to believe them.. One day and you wake up wondering what happened and then you realized the power lies within yourself! Wake up and be determined to have a good attitude. Love others. Love God. Pray daily. Seek Him. Humble yourself. And slowly things will return to normal.. Just believe that we were created to not just go through the motions of life but to live each day serving others and living each day like there is no tomorrow. Be courageous. Be bold. Have faith. You are not alone. You deserve to be happy and love the life you have been given. Want things to change? You must first change from within.. It changes your perspective! Happy Wednesday! #wisewednesday #wisdom #trust #determination #motivation #life #faith #love #attitude #emotions #freedom #Jesus #prayer 

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Have a blessed day!

Be a shining light. Accepting your circumstances.

Regardless of whatever happens in my life just knowing that God can be seen and an evident part of my life is my purpose. I've grown to accept that things are far beyond my control but they are in full control by my God. My God that is a all powerful and knowing at all times. He created this beautiful world we live in and sometimes it may take us falling flat on our faces to learn to really seek and trust him with all of our heart. I thank him for all the trials and circumstances I've encountered in my life.. Without them I wouldn't know Him, I would need him in my life to lift me up out of the pit of darkness! Knowing that he's saved me for eternity and my life is in his hands I'll Be still my soul and just seek him daily and trust him to teach me to build wisdom, endurance, strength, joy and love in my heart. Just to name a few. In John 17 he prays for his people and this gives us Christians the confidence that we need to go from day to day. The world may not know Him but if my life can show Jesus in anyway to others I accept and trust it will give all the glory to the Lord in the end. “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” (John 17:20-26 NIV) #trust #Jesus #faithfulness 

Just a timehop memory

Amazed at my timehop some days. My how 3 years changes so much! I was 8 weeks post baby and tapping the scale over 200 lbs and my sweet boy was headed for his 2 month shots. 3 years later he's 3 years old and acts like he's grown and I weigh less now than I did before I ever got pregnant. (I'll prob never share the exact number bc I'm just private like that) Bittersweet memories but definitely was a lot of struggle of weight loss after gaining 50 pounds during pregnancy and then having a c section. A year and a half later I said yes to Advocare and it's completely changed my focus of nutrition and diet.. Alongside exercise and running. Saying yes to Cristina that Summer of 2013 was the best decision I have ever made! For me and my family physically and financially! Just reminiscing today😊 #nolookingback

Childlike Faith

This week has been a definite eye opener for me.. I haven't helped with VBS since I was in high school and it's been such a blessing in my life this week. It's brought back that childlike faith that I tend to forget about. We have 3 girls wanting to know more about the Lord and I pray that God leads them straight to him. To be such young ages and in 5th grade there minds are so curious and just hungry for more of what God has to offer them. Studying the book of Daniel we are remembering and learning that Daniel made decisions to be different and that he wanted to Glorify God in all that he did and by doing so the Lord protected him and his friends from a fire pit and Lions den.. How awesome is our God that when we trust him fully that he will be our strength and shield during the good times and the hard times. How amazing that it only takes one Seed of Faith to Trust him and follow him. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says For we walk by faith not by sight. These young girls are learning that it takes trusting in what they cannot see and fully giving there own trust to a much higher power. I never went to bible school as a kid and surely wish I had had the opportunity because what a difference one week can do for us focusing souly on God to set us up for success in securing our relationship with Him. Praying that He will continue working in there hearts and give us the strength and words to give them during this week. What a blessing it's been to share the Word of God with these girls! We have had a great Leader too. Looking forward to the next two days. I think it's helped me grow just as well. Simply amazing! 🙏🏻😊❤️ #Jesus #learning #childlikefaith #faith #trust #God #salvation 

In Jesus Name, 

Oh how long to be that Proverbs 31 woman

Today marks the end of my proverbs study for the month and of course it ends with Proverbs 31. Next time I do this I'm going to write each day a scripture and what I learn from it on here the way I did on my notepad! I didn't even think to do so until now. It's been a week or so since my last post which isn't usual but I like writing when I feel the urge in my heart to say something. So today is that day. 

How many of us have heard about the Proverbs 31 woman? Many have connects with the online ministry Lysa Terkyurst has and follow her and her books. But no seriously have you really studied and focused on what it's like to be a proverbs 31 woman? She sounds pretty amazing to me. She sounds perfect just like God. Why is that? 

I think she's made to seem like God is because she is created in his image and He has given us God Given abilities to live a fulfilled life. This is just simply a template for how that life should look like. 

For those that haven't read Proverbs 31 here is the scripture. Read it and see what stands out to you the most and what area stands out and needs the most work to be more like God and live this life He created you for. 

"The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him. Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb! Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers! Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings. It is not for kings, Lemuel— it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer, lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights. Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more. Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. (Proverbs 31:1-31 NIV)

The scripture that stands out to me I right now is pretty popular but it touches my heart. "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." 31:25

To me this means that regardless of the trials and obstacles that occur in life that she will always fix her eyes on the Lord for guidance and that her strength will come from Him. In my bible it states that strength doesn't come from her achievements but by her reverence of God. This chapter has so many pieces to it and can make you feel inadequate but if we fix our eyes on what God is doing in our life and where he has helped us the most we can not be burdened by the what ifs in life and more so look forward to how God is slowly molding us into our own Proverbs 31 woman. 

Remain faithful and practice reading and learning more about how Yoi and I can become a noble character in Gods image! 

The gift of helping others.

Almost two years ago I was introduced to Advocare and not only has it helped me get my health back and fight eating disorders but it's allowed me an opportunity to help others. It's been such a blessing in my life during some dark times especially after resigning from my career as a nurse. Today is a milestone for one of my friends and I just have to share this post I shared on fb! 

This is just one example of why I do what I do.. This is my good friend Robin who came to me almost a year ago wanting to do the 24 day challenge. She had a 4 year old and 4 month old little girl and was working long hours as a nurse.. She was tired and fed up and wanted a change. Fast forward to where she is today is simply incredible! She has gone from a size 14 to a size 6 and has officially lost 65 POUNDS!!!!!  She's literally half the size she use to be. And the best part is she's grown to love herself and enjoy life in a way she never knew existed. Because of her yes we have grown into great friends and I have enjoyed seeing her journey this past year. I'm so proud of you girl! You deserve that cruise. Here's to many more years of reaching all your goals! 😊👊🏻 #goalcrusher

Just a simply incredible journey and so thankful God has placed this in my life to help me turn the negative into positive. You can do it too! Just one yes can change your life. It has ours. 

The road to a healthier future. Accepting the reality.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well I ran across this picture from this past Christmas. I knew I had gained weight last year but I didn't realize how much until I saw this picture. You may or may not no my struggles or know my story right now. But last year was a very hard trying year... I react to stressful situations by eating. I've always been that way. We moved into a new house on my birthday may 17th last year. From that day to September I gained 20 pounds... The entire 20 pounds I had worked so hard to lose. I didn't try to do this but in the blink of an eye it happened. Fighting depression is not a joke.. It's real. Luckily I was still an avid Advocare user bc I probably would have gained even more had I not been using their amazing products.. In September I finally got fed up. I couldn't fit into ANY of my clothes. I tried so hard to get back into running and working out but nothing sparked my motivation. I joined #versus September 30th of 2014.. I could barely run 400 meters.. That's 1/4th a mile. ( I love to run and have ran 2 half marathons to keep in mind) and the first class almost killed me. It was just the motivation I needed. I lost a few pounds the first few months but it was up and down. January came and I participated in the #allin 24 day challenge and did the #iamversus challenge. I lost 10 pounds that month and everything finally started falling into place. It was a struggle and a fight to change my mindset and to make healthier choices. Fast forward  to now I have lost over 25 pounds and my size 10 pants are loose. I look back and realize how defeated I felt because my weight has always been a struggle. I weigh now less than I did pre pregnancy and determined to continue striving to stay healthy. I can run 4 400m laps in a row no stopping and can do real push-ups! Versus has pushed me beyond my physical limits and I'm thankful for awesome coaches! Advocare has forever changed my life and teaches me the importance of fueling our bodies. Struggles are real and everyone has different kinds. Just know that God created us to live a healthy life and to take care of ourselves. With him you can overcome anything and any obstacle. Don't give up and surround yourself with those that lift you up! Thankful for my #versus and #advoamily. #transformationtuesday 

My purpose in writing

I wasn't born a writer but I have found healing in writing down my thoughts. I do pray that there will be someone that will find Christ in their life through my story and see what not giving up no matter what looks like. There are thousands of books and blogs out there. If you are reading mine I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart and hope that you will gain something of encouragement through my words. My random sometimes crazy words! 

“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. (Isaiah 43:10 NIV)

We are his chosen people and fixing my eyes to Christ there is no need to great or small that he won't meet. He will meet us where we are at in our lives and guide us from there. 

I write because I want to grow as a Christian and learn on this new found journey of being completely transparent. 

To be or not to be 30...? That is the one question I can't avoid.

I thought, ‘Age should speak; advanced years should teach wisdom.’ But it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding. (Job 32:7-8 NIV)

Oh joy... Happy birthday to me. I use to be so excited about birthdays.. Like my tinehop from 5 years ago shows me at the beach with my girl friends having a blast because I was celebrating my 25th bday! As if!! I've been dreading this day since I realized how real it was becoming. Another year older but another decade to enter into. 

I'm not as mopey as I was because I have come to realize that I entered my 20's naive, wild and honestly not a care in the world besides college and my boyfriend at the time. I was so careless and selfish. My how I could go back and do things differently. I would have listened to all the words of wisdom given to me throughout the past ten years. But hey experiences make us into who we are today. They help develop our character and our integrity. So to my twenties I say with my hands raised PEACE OUT! I will not keep looking back! 

Now for this new decade that begins today.. Welcome thirties! Here's to living a more Christ filled life with wisdom, compassion and love. Here is to healthier choices. Lasting impressions and working harder than ever to be a God centered wife and mother. I will lift my head up high and declare to keep my sanity and no longer feel the dread of turning 30! It's over it's done! I'm officially 30!! No one can stop time. 

I will enter to this new age of my life with more grace and mercy that my Fathe in heaven has given me. My love has changed from this world to my Love for others and for my Jesus. 

Just amazing what time can do for us. Here's a quote from Ghandi on choosing our thoughts and changing the world. It starts today. 

“Be the change you wish to see in the world. ” ~ Gandhi

Instead of wishing that the world will change you have to be the change that you wish it would make. When you make positive changes to yourself you set an example for those around you to do the same. Instead of wishing that everyone would recycle, make sure that you are the master recycler. Instead of wishing that your loved ones would lose weight and be healthy, lead by example and get fit so that they can be inspired by you. Small changes can lead to big changes when others see what you can do.

In grace. 

Down to my lowest back up to my highest.

Doing my devotion this morning I'm struck with the feelings of guilt and remorse as I look back at the past two days of my life and how I reacted to news I received from my attorney. 

A few weeks ago we attended court for a motion to disqualify the state from pursuing my case. They basically went above everyone's head on legal terms and indicted me on murder charges without given the local attorneys and sheriffs department any heads up or a chance for them to take on the case. My attorney filed a motion to have them disqualified due to their lack of following protocol. I still don't understand much legal lingo but I did understand this. I read the paper work diligently and just knew in my heart that it was powerful and felt confident in what my attorney had wrote. That same day of court we were asked to submit further paper work. 

The following week the paperwork was submitted on time and then it just became a waiting game. Waited almost 3 weeks to receive an answer. This really took a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Having dealt with depression and bipolar and then dealing with this legal stuff always sends me to a low point. At least it's low to me. It affects me regardless of how much I pray and try to stay positive. 

So I received Thursday the answer that the judge overruled our motion meaning that he did not agree with it. I was enraged. I was hurt. I was mad. I had just finished cleaning a house and missed my sons end of school program and was just a hot mess. My mind was fuzzy but I never asked God why. I didn't want to know why. I just knew how I felt in that exact moment... 

God I can't take much more of this. Lord I just want to die, just take me home and get me out of this pain. I cried out for what seemed like forever. After my episode my mind just snapped back for a second and said get with the program. I was then able to drive. I knew in my heart that I had to face this but I couldn't face it right then. I was ready to throw my hands up. I mean what's left to do I thought. 

I sent a text to my husband and a few friends and family soon after. I cried some more mainly from frustration. And my mind had a million thoughts just racing around. When my husband called me back I was snappy with him bc I didn't have any answers and didn't want to talk about it. ( For this I felt like a jerk) I shouldn't have gotten snappy with the man that stands by my side and loves me even when I'm way too much to handle. 

I had another house to clean that day but I lost all my energy and drive that day and cancelled it. I dropped my son off at his nanas like a normal Thursday. Concerned about me she said don't go home and cry all afternoon so I said I'm going to my BFF lindseys house for a while. It's the only place I have to escape to on days like this. 

I screamed and cried on my way to her house. I felt the release of anger then and that helped me just physically release how I felt. Who says you can react to your emotions. As long as it's safe and therapeutic I don't see the hurt in screaming ad crying while your alone. 

I arrived to her house welcomed by a hug and just spent the day with her andBaby  Chloe. My mind finally slowed down. It may have been around lunch time but a glass of wine never tasted so good. I took a nap and got some baby loving. Something about a newborn that just gives you peace. Such a sweet miracle from the Lord. 

Well reality came back and I had to leave. Faced with my feelings again I decided that I wanted pizza and would get a red box movie that was funny to watch that evening. My husband was working nights so I'd be alone all night. Knowing that I shouldn't get pizza and eat when I'm upset I still did it. A deep dish little ceasar pizza at that. I stuffed my face until I could barely breathe. I was so numb that I just didn't care. I brought the rest home to my husband and he looked inside and was like "Babe" and I said I know oh Well. He took the rest to work with him. Best idea of the day. 

You see when I get in stressful situations I eat. And I eat a lot. It's why my weight fluctuates so much especially this past year. Binge eating comes easy when I'm upset and numb with pain and it's a real struggle. Sadly I had just finished the Advocare 10 day cleanse and did great losing 5 pounds and are healthier than ever. Then one thing happens and I just lose it. I got so mad at myself bc it's not like I was just cheating.. I was cheating myself with food. So frustrating. Bc with this bipolar impulsive behavior is part of it and eating is part of how I deal with things. Yet it's gotten a lot better all because I'm more aware of it and God has helped me seek healthier alternatives. But for this day I just ignored it all. My mind wasn't right and I wanted to just go to sleep. So after a few laughs of a funny movie I took a long lavender bath and then took some ambien and was in bed asleep by 7pm. Yes that really happened. 

Looking back I would and should ha e handled things with more grace and more clarity. I'm so ashamed I just gave into how I felt. I let my emotions dictate my actions and luckily not many people crossed my path that day and I was alone. 

Today I've been reading proverbs a day in May and it led me to several scriptures and in my study bible some of those scriptures explained in detail. 

Being led by the spirit and not of the flesh is what determines our spiritual growth. Everything that we do we have a chance to let our light shine through the darkness. Some of my most positive post and fb statuses come from when I'm at the darkest place in my life on that day. 

Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Trusting in God with everything and believing he take care of us. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:6-9 NIV)" 

Letting God have your anxieties calls for action, not passivity. Don't submit to  your circumstances but to the Lord who controls your circumstances. 

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10 NIV)"

When we feel alone, weak, hopeless and cut off from those that love us or if we are so caught up in our troubles that we forget to watch for danger these are the times we are vulnerable to Satans attacks. We must keep our eyes on Christ and resist the devil says James then he will flee from you. 

This is a daily struggle and battle within ourselves. The enemy preys on our weaknesses. Those can be our jobs, marriages, friendships, finances, personal image, our kids etc. whatever your weak spot is is where you have to stand up higher and demand the presence of the Lord. Seek Him first and grace follows after! We live and we learn. 

In grace. 

Losing hope, building Faith.

Not the best of news today.. But my God is bigger than any of this and any of the emotions I'm going through right now. Definitely need some extra prayers right now. I cling to his mercy and grace and this scripture I pull into my heart. 

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

I wanna give up. I can't. I won't. My heart hurts. The future for me is unclear. 

I hold fast to these verses. 

Daniel 12:3 

“Those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the firmament, and those who turn many to righteousness like the stars forever and ever.”

Micah 4:4 

“But everyone shall sit under his vine and under his fig tree, and no one shall make them afraid; for the mouth of the LORD of hosts has spoken.”

Zephaniah 3:17 

“The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Malachi 3:16 

“Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD listened and heard them; so a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the LORD and who meditate on His name.”

 

Matthew 25:21 

“His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.”

1 Corinthians 2:9 

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

2 Peter 1:10-11 

“Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

1 John 3:2 

“Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.”

Revelation 21:4 

“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Patience in waiting. Be still my soul part 6

Well.. It's been 2 weeks since the judge received paperwork from my attorney. It's been 3 weeks since we had our court date. It's been a year 2 months and 12 days since my life was turned upside down. I have not once given up nor turned my eyes away from God through all of this. The times have been hard. I feel like many days I'm just a disaster and cluster of emotions just waiting to set off but through all of the crazy emotions, depression worry and anxiety He is always there for me. 

I pray daily for wisdom and discernment of his Spirit to reign down on me and flood my path of life. I never pray for patience because it doesn't say to pray for patience. We are commanded to Love and trust our Father. With trials and suffering produces wisdom, patience and perserverence. Over and over and over again. It doesn't say you will have just one experience in life and be done. 

"The Lord doesn't qualify the called he calls the Qualified."

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (James 1:2-6 NIV)"

I asked for those things while praying and he's definitely giving them to me. As each week passes by I'm learning that when I pray I must believe in what I'm praying. I can't just ask for wisdom and not BELIEVE  that God can give it to me. The true test of faith relies on waiting on the Lord to reveal in his own time the answer. Everyone around me is getting so anxious to know this one answer. Like it's going to just end there... 

I mean I know that is possible but I just say that God is not ready to reveal the answer yet and that there is a reason it's taking so much time. There has been a reason all of this has drug out longer and longer. The longer it takes the more I feel I'm losing my mind but also the closer and more dependent I am on my Heavenly Father to just wrap his arms around me and help me trust in him. 

The enemy knows our weaknesses and he preys on them. But let me declare this.. YOU WILL NOT WIN. Satan you are the thorn in my side but the battle 

has been fought and the debt has been paid. Jesus didn't suffer and die for me to be filled with worry and doubt. The worry and doubt that comes with waiting. The worry from the unknown. Questions left unanswered. All these things you attempt to plague my mind with.. I will continue praying you away until the victory comes. Though I may be weak.. HE IS STRONG! 

My Jesus loves me this I Know. For the Bible tells me so. 

If I must wait. I will wait in peace! I will accept his grace and mercy that he gives to me abundantly. If you are waiting on an answer today or waiting for your prayers to be answered I pray that you will fix your eyes upon the Heavens above and Trust him with all your heart. 

In good time. It will be revealed. 

In Grace 

A Healthy Hot mess. Thrive Blog post for may

We all hear stories and some of us have even experienced the part of life and being a mother where we let go of ourselves and get so overwhelmed that everyone else is dressed nice, house is clean, laundry done but you glance in the mirror and WHOA... Can I climb back in bed already?! I mean look at me!! I'm just a simple hot mess right here. Is this you? Because I'm guilty for sure. Way too many times.

But God tells us to be productive, not busy. He wants us to be fruitful not running in circles all the time and just letting ourselves go. I read an article a little while back that talked about how perceiving being healthy because God wants us to be healthy and vibrant. It explained some very personal things dealing with self image, weight gain and the stress of our own image. It was then that my perception of being a mom changed. I wanted to be healthy for Him and to have my actions glorify Him not for my own personal gain but to know that I'm taking care of myself because I have others depending on me. 

I've battled weight my whole life. My life this past year was turned upside down so stress and emotional eating.. Well you see where I'm going. It didn't turn out good. Not with me, how I felt or looked for sure. I have had many pivotal moments over the course of the past year but taking back control of my health and wellness for the sake of my family and my own personal sanity is definitely paying off. For too long I let my circumstances and life's messes just take control and before I knew it I had gained 20 lbs. in 4 months. 4!! I had to make a change. I was not happy and I just couldn't enjoy things the way I use to. I looked a hot mess because I couldn't fit into ANYTHING!!! So in Sept 2014 I joined a boot camp class called VERSUS. Its been my best yes and I am not looking back.

I take 3 days a week for an hour each evening to workout outside with a bootcamp group and its by far the best decision I've made that's had a positive impact on being a better mom and better wife. It relieves stress and has helped me get back into old clothes again. I am down 23 pounds and 2 pant sizes since December. YAY!!!  

I say all this to say that you too can take back control over your life with just some intentional effort! You deserve it! Aside from busy schedules and running around taking care of everyone you should start by taking care of yourself. It makes God happy and end the end if mommy is happy it reflects a happy home because your feeling of self worth and confidence come back! Had I not made the decision to jumpstart my life back to that of a healthy mom I would still be that depressed mom with no energy and excuses for days for not doing the things I once enjoyed.

My name is April Grissom. I am a wife and I have an amazing, blue eyed little boy that is 3 years old. I am a nurse, a housekeeper, a health and wellness coach with Advocare, new to writing and blogging and I have a love and passion for running and working out. My purpose in life is to serve and help others. I live in South Mississippi. I love God with all my heart. The past year may be the hardest in my life but its by far been the best spiritual growth I have ever experienced and I'm now closer to the Lord than ever before. God is so good. Even with life's messes. I have a story to tell and this is just the beginning of my journey.

Seek Him and you will find Him.

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:12-13 We serve a mighty and powerful God. He can work miracles and do some amazing things in our lives but if we do not seek him daily.. Pray.. And live His word, the blessings He has in store for us we won't find and he can't give to us. We have to do our part. We can be blinded by our wants and desires but what truly matters is taking ourself out of the equation and letting Go and Let God. Seek him today and you WILL find him.

They say Let go and Let God but most days we cling to our own selves and still try to control everything around us. If you are waiting on something in life the Lord may be teaching you patience or he may be working out the situation on his time. 

Trust him. Pray diligently. Serve others and just remove yourself from the equation. Easy to say but harder to do. God is a loving and faithful God. He always pulls through. It just may look different than our expectations. 

I want my sunshine back.

This week has definitely been a rollercoaster of a ride. There are weeks I can function just as a normal human being, then there are weeks that my moods shift like the weather changes. I'll wake up happy and wind up feeling lower than a dark pit. I have come to grips that living with this Biploar disorder and distinguishing Satan and his tactics are very trying and hard sometimes. But knowing that I do clinically have issues definitely can ease some days that I just can't seem to shake the blah feeling. The enemy's main goal is to seek and destroy us and he preys on our weaknesses. 

Well he definitely knows mine and when I'm pushing forward and moving in Gods will for my life is when he REALLY tries his best to make my life miserable. I know that the Lord is using all of this legal stuff to work for Good according to his purpose and the Devil quite frankly doesn't like it. I believe in my heart that blessings have come from these circumstances. 

This week has simply been a waiting game regarding my case again. It's me vs the state of Mississippi and if you are reading this and have no idea what's going on please read my earlier posts. 

This blog is simply my journey through life during a very hard time. Being transparent, dealing with weight gain, being healthy, diagnosed with a mental illness thanks to my genetics and trying to love and serve the Lord with all my heart while searching for him daily. 

This week I was hoping to have an answer regarding my case but instead I'm being taught Patience and good time. I believe that this battle has been fought and it has already been figured out and dealt with by God. We can't see in the future but we have to trust in our heart that with faith God will provide and take care of us. We can't see faith but we can see the works of faith by evidence of others around us. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says we walk by faith; not by sight. So much easier said than done bc we want to have that instant gratification of answers in our life. 

But as we grow and mature as Christians we see this verse much much more for what it is. We have to pray daily and say out loud "I trust you Lord! I Trust you" the more we say and more we declare to believe the easier it is to live by Faith. 

All that being said I'm trusting that in good time. His time. I will get the answer from the judge. I trust that the answer will glorify the Lord and show his faithfulness. 

Have a blessed weekend. 

Standing on His promises. Fear not.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. “All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10-13 NIV)"

These scriptures can not scream to me loud enough. Through everything and everywhere I cling to the promise to Fear Not! It's so very hard to just push forward and move on with life when you literally have life crippling, heart wrenching circumstances. So when fear, worry and doubt creep into my head I have to immediately Rebuke them in the name of Jesus. This may sound silly to someone who is not familiar with His Word or who is new to Christisn faith. But as a growing, maturing Child of God it's a crucial action that must be taken daily. 

We can read the bible and do devotions everyday. This is a wonderful thing. But how you apply these words and devotions is what matters. It's not a one time thing and it takes being intentional. 

Fear can cripple us and make us I'll. it can determine our mood and attitude. When fear faces you you have two options!

1 give in to the fear. Let it consume you and control your actions. This is when it becomes sin. Or; 

2. You can rebuke it and turn to this scripture. .." Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am a your God." 

Option two is my choice and everyday I'm faced with fear and choose turn my eyes off of myself and fix my eyes on Jesus above. 

No problem is too big for God. No problem is too small. God has already fought your battle for you he's just waiting on us to trust him. I'm not expert on the bible or on faith. But I do know yhat in living Proof of what God can do in your heart and life through trials and circumstances. 

I write these post and blogs to hopefully inspire and encourage anyone going through a hard time no matter what it is. I don't intend to be a professional writer by any means. Thank you all for taking time to listen to me ramble. I write when my heart calls me to write. 

I'm a woman that's chasing after Gods heart while trying to search and find my own most days! 

Have a blessed day and live your day filled with courage and encouragement. 

If you love to read articles and blogs you will love this new app!

So with me being new to this writing and blogging world I'm learning that it's a whole new world! I've discovered this new app that you can download and use on your phone! It's really cool and you are one read or share away from your favorite article! Post are shared daily from popular blogs so this is just a way for you to connect even more and support those writing for whatever cause it may be! 

It's called bloglovin and you can search and follow some of the most popular or 

Personal blogs that are in the blogging world. Here's the link blogger.com and you can download the app from the App Store! 

Check out my blog and follow me on this new found journey! Http:/bloglovin.com/sunsetgrace! 

Thanks and God Bless your weekend! 

Everyday is a new day. Our mind is a war zone.Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Each day we wake up is a day to make a difference. We choose automatically with our mind the day we are going to have and the attitude we will way.

Literally our mind is a battlefield. Joyce Meyer has a book called Battlefiekd if the mind. She talks about how we control our thoughts and how the more we dwell on the good the more good things will happen.

How we think determines our day. So depressed, sad, angry or happy you wake up and choose. It may be a struggle and fight within but you can overcome the negative. Some mornings I have to pry myself out of bed and pray even before getting up to have a good attitude and positive energy. It's just being intentional with how we think. Crazy right?? 

"Be careful what you think about. The more you think about good things, the better your life will seem. The more you think about Jesus Christ and the principles He taught, the more you become like Jesus and the stronger you grow. And as you grow, you win the battle for your mind." Joyce Meyer

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. (Psalm 40:1-3 NIV)

The scripture is David's cry out to the Lord and how He delivered him and placed new thoughts in his mouth. Because what we feed our mind will come out of our mouths and from our hearts. 

So focus on the good and really pay attention to what you think about during the day. If you find yourself running astray just pray that God will give you abounding grace to fill your heart and mind with a good spirit and accept Christ like thoughts. Immediately you will notice the difference. Satan attacks us most when we are seeking the will of God for our lives. So pray outloud and declare Gods presence and he will Flee as it Says in James. 

We must first submit and take up our cross and go before our father. 

What are you thinking about today? How is your attitude? 

Stay positive and God Bless! 

Sometimes all you need is a Xanax and some Jesus.

Humor me a bit. We are humans and we do live in a society that frowns upon medication and would rather hide behind social media and painted on smiles in their perfectly portrayed family portraits. But let me just be real with you for a moment.. Life happens to all of us. To the degree of difficulty varies by person but I don't think in anyway is that a coincidence. It's all part of the master plan. 

I love fb and Instagram and I love staying in touch with friends and family and seeing their post. But we only post the happy moments and sometimes those moments are when we are in the most pain. 

There are things in life that happen and go farther beyond our control. You can't dwell on them though bc that's when your struggle, worry and fear become sin bc you let them control your life. 

Another thing that's frowned upon is mental illness. People avoid it like the plague. I know because I was one of those people. You said depression or anxiety and I ran like the wind. Of course I've been through hard times but I'm not sick. Ha story of my life. God did create us in his perfect image but we are not perfect nor will we ever be. Now I'm living with depression and bipolar type 2 disorder.( that's a whole other topic) 

Today is always an off day for me. Any day with court involved, legal jargon spoken or emails from my attorney always throw me off. I can pray all day and night but I know the kind of day I will have regardless. It's just a peaceful cloudy kinda day. 

Doesn't make sense does it? But does to me because all the prayers give. To me are what get me through these days. Nothing magical just the power of prayer. 

" not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, (Romans 12:11-12 NASB)"

Prayer is the best medicine that I've ever had! But reality of the entire situation is that my body trembles, my knees get weak and my heart races so hard that I can barely breathe. This is called anxiety. It really does exist and it happens before something stressful. So... There is power in some Xanax too! I say it to lighten the mood. Yes I have a prescription and yes I take it regularly. 

We are so scared to admit our faults. We are scared to say that we take medication and expect God to just take care of everything but that's not exactly how it works. He created medication to help us sometimes permanently but sometimes short term. Can we just accept the fact that life happens and happens to us! Because God loves us right where we are and continues to do so. 

Just thought I would break the ice and say that if you are battling depression, anxiety or bipolar or some other form of mental illness that you are still a child of God and he still loves you. Things just may be different for you and how you cope may be a lot different than others. 

Don't run from it anymore it just hurts you and those around you. Embrace who you are with what you have! 

For now I'll continue to pray continuously and take my Xanax as I need it! Praise the Lord for them both! He wants us to live smart! Not run around like a dog chasing its tail on the never ending emotional cycle! 

I can't imagine experiencing all I've gone through today and this past year without either! 

There is Victory in Jesus. Part 1

I sit here this morning reading my bible and drinking my coffee to just allow God to search my heart and soul. Lord know that I'm far from perfect and have made so many mistakes in my lifetime. For so long I use to say one day I'll get my life together and do things right. So many years have slipped between my finger tips. Not so much regrets but so many what ifs??

I learned this weekend at marriage conference that we can no longer allow our past to dictate our futures. I hold true to this statement and declare a victory in my life. 

Reading the book of Ephesians this morning Paul speaks with such mercy and grace while being imprisoned. Who would have thought that a man that persecuted Christians would turn out to be such a man of God and to me one of the greatest writers in the Bible. It shows me that regardless of how things turn out in life that no matter the situation nor circumstance that the Lord will use all things to work for his good according to its purpose. 

I know that today in this court room that God will have his hand upon me and my family. I pray to him that his will be Glorified and that his power be made known. These days never get easier. My heart races. My thoughts crowd my mind. My body trembles. But somewhere in the midst of it all a peace fills my body and it's like the Lord says child I'm here with you. 

Psalm 46:10 says Be still and know that I am God. It's quoted so much in the world today but until you truly understand what being still means you just can't comprehend the power in our Jesus. He's merciful and gracious. He's sitting at the right hand of God on the thrown And already knows the outcome. He's waiting for us to fully trust him. 

This morning 1peter 3:7-9 course through my mind and heart and it's these verses I cling to for hope and grace. 

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-9 NIV)"

Though I have not seen, I know In my heart. I pray that later today I can write to you about my victory in Jesus and show you truly the power of prayer. 

A broken identity. Be still my soul part 5.

The weeks following the life shattering news of being accused of the death of my patient that day lingered on like a cloud going across the sun. Instantly grief filled my soul and the loss of what I thought was my identity. 

By identity I speak of what we define ourselves by. For many it's by their jobs, hobbys or whether they are a wife or mother. For me I defined my life and purpose as being a nurse. I thought that my calling in life was to help others and by doing so I was called to be a nurse. I loved what I did. I loved the science of nursing. I loved the aspect of helping someone get better or even more saving that persons life. These things I identified with. It's what I got my degree in college to do with my life. I just knew that I would always have a job and always have an opportunity to help someone in some way. All this just one day SHATTERED! 

My identity was home to the icu. Otherwise known as critical care or intensive care unit. It's where the sickest of patients came to get the most intensive immediate treatment, procedures and medications. My heart was in this field of nursing. The adrenaline rush of saving a persons life during an emergency made me function to the highest capacity my mind allowed. There is just no other feeling like being a nurse. I truly loved my job and career. 

So there are a few parts to the grieving process. In the beginning I was in denial.. Like this can't be happening. God why me? I couldn't believe that in a matter of 24 hours my life as a nurse would no longer be.. Much less be the same ever again. My life for the past 7-8 years was that consisting of nursing. I had no idea what else I would do. What if I'm just in a bad dream? Maybe they just have made a mistake. 

The answer to those questions was no. 

And then there was Anger. This didn't really last that long honestly. I was never mad at God. I was mad at myself. I was angry that the one time I didn't chart acceptionally and detailed was the time my own life depended on it. I was angry and hurt that all of this surfaced because of another mans actual anger and revenge from the loss of his own job. I was angry that of all people to be accused of such a tragedy it was me. I was the nurse that wanted things done right! I fought for my co workers to be treated fairly and for our patients to be cared for. But anger didn't lay prevalent in my life long. God replaced that anger with some crazy joy that I found while being home with my little boy. Which led to bargaining. 

I told God that if he would just make this go away that I would do better. I'd live a better life. I'd be a better mom. A better wife. A better child of God. I promised God all of these things in hopes that he would just help make this nightmare go away. I bargained with him daily and for months. I pleaded. I cried. I prayed. But I know that he heard my pleas and my cries. He whispered in my ear many times "child of mine it's not your time yet. Just be patient sweet child". I heard I

His voice so many times in the midst of my crying and anguish. He calmed me in the storms as the court dates came and left with yet again no deliverance. Many a times I turned to this scripture and it brought peace that surpasses any understanding you can ever imagine.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8 NIV

This scripture lies so dear to my heart. It got me through and still gets me through some really tough times. Which leads now to acceptance. A year and 2 months later I've learned to accept the things in life that we cannot change. For that are just a mere season of life and where we are is by no accident because our Lord has our side. Crazy to think that as a Christian everything that goes on in our life has to go through the Lord first and he has to give permission for those circumstances to come your way. So when they say the Lord won't place on you anymore than you can handle this is what that means. He knows your future as a child of God is with him and he knows that your future is secure with Him. By stopping to accept where you are in life it truly defines just how powerful and gracious our Father is to us. He loves us so much and though he may not understand the pain and things of life we have endured his Son Jesus Christ does. 

I say this all to just help you understand how I've grown to accept and embrace my circumstances. My circumstances, my past, my depression nor my battle with an eating disorder do not define me. My career as a nurse no longer defines me. My identity has changed. It's been around for a long time but it's now the only identity that I want to define me. I am a child of God. A sister in Christ and a woman that loves God with all my heart and he comes first in my life. I'm a wife and a mother with a calling in life to love and serve others. It just looks differently now. As each day passes I lift up my head no matter how I feel and I will praise Jesus in the storm. Until the storm passes I'll continue to walk in sunshine and let my God love me where I am. 

In Christ and God bless.