A long year and a bucket of tears.

It's been some time between my last post on my "situation" but rightfully so. Writing has allowed me to process this all in the right manner but it's stirred up some emotions at the same time. I'm not the person I want to be right now but I'm definitely not that same woman on that Monday afternoon either. 

The past year has been the hardest in my life. I'm finally at a place of somewhat peace because I know my Heavenly Father has already fought my battle and the debt has been paid. This Easter means far more to me than the other 29 years of my life. It's like I finally just get it! I was sitting in church Sunday for our Easter service choir time and every song just spoke deep to my heart. My eyes welled up with tears I kept choking back. 

This is it. There really is God and he sent his son to live on this earth for some 33 years and experienced every heart ache and pain that we live in this world today. 

Christ was crucified for me! Me?? Out of this entire world He died so that all my sins would be forgiven and I would be free. How just incredible is that. My favorite stories in the bible come Matthew and John with each description of Jesus's death and ressurection but in Luke it says "Forgive them father for they not know what they do." Soon after Jesus died there in front of so many that loved him and so many that hated him. B

Luckily he did all of that so that as I write you here today I can say that I've prayed the same prayer and that I've forgiven those who have accused me of such horrific acts and those who have snared comments during my public humiliation. If they don't know you then they know not what they have done. That in return I pray for them. I pray for those that have done me wrong, lied about me, been cruel and unkind, mocked me and that have not been supportive. I forgive them all. I forgive them because I have been forgiven. 

Sunday in church was my ah ha moment where I said okay God I understand this now. What a beautiful day it was. All of this taken place in my heart and soul and it just fills my body and mind with joy and peace to hide and overcome the anger, frustration and bitterness that harbors deep within me. This week I reflect on what my Savior did for me and how blessed we are in this chaotic crazy evil world. Tragedy can surround me but it's the "peace that transcends all understanding" that helps my heart Be Still and know that He is God! 

The struggle is real. Binge eating and starving is no way to deal.

I have posted things on fb but I feel like this could relate to so many others! This is real life! Obstacles make us who we are today! God allows trials in our life to turn us closer to him!

Repost from journaling last summer. So its just been updated.

Transparency.... Wow this going to be hard!
1 : something transparent ; especially : a picture (as on film) viewed by light shining through it or by projection 2 : the quality or state of being transparent

This post is by far hard for me to do. I will not tolerate any negative comments so if u have them keep them to yourself!

My life has been turned upside down this year. Many of you know my personal story but many of you don't know my inner struggle. My entire life I have battled an eating disorder and had the biggest desire to just fit in. My mother died of a heart attack at 37 from obesity and my dad was 49 and died of heart attack bc he was an alcoholic. I chose to be a registered nurse to help save lives and keep people from making those same mistakes and losing their life. After my mom died I started not eating. I was always the fat kid in school and the year she died in 2000 I lost 60 pounds in 3 months by starving myself. I battled for years with an eating disorder. Secretly I battled something called binge eating. But for the past few years I have learned to be healthier and the past year since Advocare in my life I finally grasped the concept of consistency and health and wellness. Saying that... Well we are human. After some life changing events earlier this year the Devil took hold of my weakness and in 2 months what I had worked so hard to get to and achieve was lost and I found myself in a deep dark hole. Apparently I do well at hiding this. I found myself binge eating in secrecy and the biggest trail of guilt followed. I knew I was gaining weight. Stress had me a a hault. Emotionally hurt mentally tired and in a state if depression I hid. I fought it. I honestly did. I tried attempted several cleanses and challenges. Nothing. I was mentally not focused. It was not until over 4 almost 5 6 months ago I came to the conclusion that if this didn't change ASAP I was headed in a bad place. I admitted to my husband my weakness and the truth. Not easy. This was where my journey of learning to fully trust in The Lord to guide and direct my path bc I no longer could control my life. Binging was my way of feeling in control. But instead I was losing control.

It's been almost 6 months now that I've committed and surrendered to change. Not only for myself but for my family and 2 year old little boy that is my world. I completed the cleanse with great results! I fit back into my shorts by success school! That was big to me! So this is my transparent moment! With the encouragement of my husband and wonderful friends I declare myself free from the secret any longer.
The above picture was me in may at my leaders and friends Diamond ceremony back in May 2014. I was disgusted with myself, binge eating in secrecy and depressed from life circumstances and tried to stay away from the camera. The picture below was taking today and at SS two weeks ago! This is the real me! 5-6 days a week of hard core workouts, eating clean and learning to be happy in my body that God gave me! With the help of #advocare products and consistency and determination my life has turned around. God has blessed me so much not only with my amazing business and the chance to impact hundred of lives but that being honest, humble, transparent and full of integrity is what true life is about! We can't control our life but we are the variable to a solution and can choose to make a Change. 

Why am I posting this? Because everyone needed to know the truth! I help people on a daily basis and I truly love what I do! But we are human! My body was triggered by stress and this is reality! I did not fail! I picked myself up and took action! God has brought me too far to let anything tear me apart! Don't for one second ever think you are not worthy to be different! YOU have the power to change the world! But the change starts within YOU! I could have stayed depressed and angry but a wise man once said "depression cannot be planted in a great full persons heart!" Andy Andrews . Never spoken so true! Pick yourself up! Dust yourself off and become more! I have a ways to go but I'm getting closer each day!! We were born to be CHAMPIONS!! I am a Champion! They say transparency can change the world! Just imagine what would happen if everyone owned up to themselves and dared to succeed!

Fast forward to where I am now. Breaking through depression and life with exercise and a healthy lifestyle! No more secrets just living life one day at a time and slow progress is good progress to me. Going from a size 18 in 2013 to a size 10 healthy and leaner than I have ever been in my life. Its easier for me to turn to food as comfort but I know that only leads to a disaster and more weight gain. My main battle is stress and the weight gain from stress is a very real situation. I will continue to overcome it with clean eating, Versus and running. Im not where I was but I am definitely not where I use to be and for that im truly thankful. God created me in his image and my responsibility is to love my body and take care of it. So my main goal is to be HEALTHY! Not to focus on the scale or numbers. Even though they do get me excited. Fitting into all my clothes again in my closet has never felt so good. I don't need to go shopping because I have brand new clothes in my closet I have waited to wear for over a year!!! YAY.

 

 

The above picture is me 20 pounds lighter this past weekend at a 5k race with some friends.  The picture to the right is me 2 years ago at a 5k race wearing the same tank top and 25 pounds heavier. Granted I still carried baby weight but it was no excuse. It was just a few months later that I discovered and was introduced to Advocare. It is no miracle diet but simply just a jump start to a cleaner lifestyle while be fueled by some world class nutrition that is safe and absolutely amazing. No more starving myself or binge eating at night when everyone goes to bed. Its forever changed my outlook with food and nutrition. Along with Versus AT and our outside bootcamp style workouts! KILLER!!

With some strong faith and hope in Jesus he has provided such blessings in my life!

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:10-13 NIV)"

This too is just another part of my bipolar mind and all the changes and actions that come with living with this illness. Its definitely contributed to my weight gain and mood changes along the way. But the ultimate decisions fall in my hands.

 

The nightmare of losing my mom.

I miss my mama.

14 years ago on the morning of Sept 24th I lost my mama. She died in my arms and had I known that was the last time to hold on to her I would have never let go. The visions of that morning never get easier. It stays in the back of my head. This year is harder than most bc my heart is already aching. The memories of that morning vivid as ever. I was 15 years old and my mom collapsed in my arms. I was alone with my 2 little brothers. I called 911 and started CPR. I had no idea what I was doing but I did what I had seen in movies to help others live. I tried to save my mamas life. I fought as hard as I knew and told the lady on the phone what I was doing until the paramedics got their. I’ll never forget thinking she’s just asleep and she will wake up as they carried her out on a stretcher with something strange in her mouth. They handed me her jewelry and I won’t ever forget that smell. Loaded up on the ambulance I’m praying that I’ll see my mama when I get to the hospital. My bday the time had a truck and we rushed behind the ambulance as u called my nana and told them what happened. 11:07am I believe it was that the shrill of my nAna in the ER on the floor on her knees saying “no God not my baby”. I feel like part of me was lost that day. Was I in a bad dream? My mama is suppose to be here until the end of time. God why is this happening to me? I need my mama. Thoughts of a 15 year old girl that day. 14 years later the images appear just as vivid than ever. I know God took my mama home to save her from pain and heartache and he saved our lives. Life was hard growing up. But he paved a new direction for us after she passed away. I miss her so much. Her laughs and jokes and importantly her hugs and love. Never take the ones you love for granted and never take your life for granted. The trials in my life are not even close to the trial that our Savior Jesus Christ sufferered and died for us on the Cross. Every trial there is a blessing. “And that’s not all. We are full of joy even when we suffer. We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on. The strength to go on produces character. Character produces hope.” Romans 5:3-4 

Humbled through humility. Be still my soul part 4

The next day I went to meet with my manager and corporate administration at my current employer and just explained to them the situation and with a huge feeling of sadness turned in my resignation. The good thing about that meeting is they told me to come back after everything was over and I could have my job back. I thanked them as tears rolled down my face and left after giving a few dear coworkers hugs and said goodbye. 

I returned home and had been on the phone a lot that morning. Suddenly at 1pm my attorney called me and gave me the news that I just wanted to crumble to. The state had released a press statement and our local news channel had called the sheriffs department to get info. This was what I had tried to prevent! I wanted this to stay away from the public and protect my family's name. 

One hour later and I received a phone call from my best friend telling me to delete my fb account bc it had gone viral. Just within minutes a news article had struck my hometown and had just been blasted everywhere. News stations all over the country had received access and my face and name had then been crushed. Humiliation filled my heart and soul. I cried... I screamed.. Angry and hurt. Just flat out hurt to have such harsh words spoken about me and attacking my own personal characters! Not to mention the info was second handed and missing some key details. But hey news sales right?? 

That day I couldn't keep up with the calls and texts and visits from friends and family. More support than I had ever imagined. The prayers that washed over us and filled my heart again. 

I knew this journey was just getting started and I knew the only way I would survive was turning to God and letting the Holy Spirit completely take hold of my life. 

It says in his word that with humility brings wisdom and that is surely true and I will start to share everything I've encountered over the past year. Join me for this roller coaster of a ride and listen and learn how God has taken such a tragic event and given me many blessings and opportunities that are just en route to his master plan. 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. They hurt only if you allow them too. I've decided to stand my ground. Stand firm in faith and push forward. 

Goodnight and God bless. 

Peace surpassing all understanding. Be still my soul Part 3.

The next day I woke up anxiously anticipating what the day would bring. Having had not much sleep my body was tired but I had a peace that I can't explain. I knew what was asked of me and that we would do. My husband left first thing that morning to take the 10k in cash that we had gotten my maxing out a credit card and taking out a loan from the bank. The attorney was paid and paid how we came up with the funds. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7 NIV)

This. Scripture held strong to me that morning. The car ride for 30 minutes was just that. Praise music as my husband drove us to the next county and to the jail where we would be meeting those people. We arrived. My husband said a prayer and with fear and the unknown in my eyes we went inside. My attorney had been on the phone that morning and from inside I was taken away from my husband. One kiss and hug that I had no idea if would be my last. The humiliation took place once I left his side. I was placed in handcuffs and shackles and taken to the place where they book criminals. I had been told I would be taken in and then released immediately on bond. So here went the humiliation and fear I never in my life thought I would ever encounter. 

The ladies and workers all gave me stares of wonder and curiosity. I was asked several times why a nurse as myself was being charged with such a malicious crime. I looked at the them and said I honestly have no idea. Finger orinted and placed in an orange jail top I had to take a picture. I've always smiled in my pictures but this picture was a picture of fear and disgust. This was not a picture of me. I sat there chained up 

not knowing what my future would 

hold. The thoughts in my mind were crazy and jumbled. Praying to the Lord to hear my cry the way heard David's cry. Wondering why but feeling like this was just part of the master plan and He had the master key. What would people think? What would I do with work? What about my career? What about my family? What if people find out? Oh the questions. The millions of thoughts running through my mind. 

Why me God? I've been through so much already Lord why me? Why now? This is what I thought over and over. But I knew deep down I had a comforting voice telling me that everything would be ok. 

A few hours later and half my sanity lost I was released on a $10k bond that had been reduced from $40k. I still don't really understand what that means but I praised God we just had $1000 to spend that day and that I was going home. The ride home was silent. Not an awkward silent just a solemn silent. An okay silent. 

It was then I made the decision that I would go to manager and tell her everything going on and resign from nursing to prevent my current employer from reaping anything negative from these circumstances. A very hard decision but I made that call and arranged it for that evening. 48 hours and some odd minutes my life was on a roller coaster and I had no idea what God has in store for me. The next 24 hours however were really about to test my own faith and ability to perservere. Could I face my nightmare of facing the world... 

Down to my last cent. Be still my soul Part 2

Yesterday morning I woke up to find myself in the negative in my checking account. I just rolled my eyes and said Ok God. Thinking back to two years ago when money wasn't the problem. I had a job doing what I thought God had created me for, registered nursing. It had been my dream to help others after watching my mother die in my arms from a heart attack. I wanted to help protect and help other families prevent what had caused such an abrupt pain in my life. So for 7 years that's what I did. 

One of the benefits of working as a nurse to me was that the pay was good and you would always have a job I thought.. Financially we stayed ahead even though we had a debt to pay off but we were able to enjoy life and not so much struggle with our finances. I didn't want to struggle. I went my entire childhood struggling and I prayed a many nights that I would not end up the way my family was growing up. I think that's part of the reason I spent money so much was the fear of being without. That makes sense right?? Well just when I thought I had everything figured out and rolling through life with now my family of 3 and married to a man that I know loves me now more than ever, life happened. 

My career and dreams all came to a complete hault in the matter of one phone call on a sunny Monday February 24 2014. A call from an unfamiliar voice from an Unfamiliar number that shattered my world into pieces. 

That Monday my life flashed before my eyes and every part of my body went numb and I started floating from my mind. Why is this happening to me? This can't be real. What do I do? Dear Lord Help Me! 

That Monday a detective was on the other end of the phone telling me to report to a local county jail the following morning at 10am. He gave no details. His voice was stern and very nonchalant. I asked why.. He repeated to just be there at 10am. I said ok and the line went blank. 

This was not my average monday. I finished seeing patients early that day and got home around 12:45pm that day excited to be off early. I was working home health at the time and enjoyed the flexibility. But today was just not the normal day. 

I put my phone down. I sat in the chair. My face had no expression. My husband happened to be off that day and home. He immediately knew something was wrong. I told him I didn't know what was going on but I was going to jail. He didn't understand. The fear in our eyes. I said call our preacher. He called immediately and within 30 minutes he arrived. My mother in law came within a few more minutes. We all just sat there. I had little information I didn't know what to say. And then a phone rang. 

My mother inaw is by far one of the best in the world. She had made a phone.call to a friend in search of information about what was going on. It was her phone that rang. That call was the second call to shatter my entire world to pieces. She took the call and when she came back inside she was white as a ghost and told me this was serious. We needed an attorney. The state was charging me with second degree murder of a previous patient. 

MURDER?!?!?! Are you kidding me? ME??? I couldn't stop crying with anger and hurt. That afternoon we were given 3 attorney names and numbers. My husband and I got in our car and started driving. 2 of the 3 were either tied up or out of the office. It was the one God intended for us to have because he was in his office and agreed to meet with us. 

After explaining the situation to him. And after 10 thousand dollars later. He was now representing me in what has been the longest year of my life. 

I'm a broken hot mess. Be still my soul

I am by no means wanting to be a professional or try to compete in the writing world. I am however, wanting to share my own personal story. The story of struggles from being a mom of a 3 year old, a wife and a woman chasing after Gods heart amidst life and the crazy days that are thrown at us. 

For now I want to tell you where I am. I'm definitely not where I was but surely not where I want to be. However I know I'm where God has placed be in this exact moment and I have grown to accept that. 

I live in a tangible world of uncertainty. A world I hope no one I love ever has to partake in. My days come and go and sometimes the only thing I remember that day is praying and the laughs from my sweet boy. Those days I treasure. I see life so differently after the events of this past year. For so long I was on both sides of the fence. But now I'm on Gods side and this is where I will forever stay. 

My mind is somewhere between numb and peaceful and some days I can't slow my thoughts down. Oh to be just normal again I think.. 

Define normal. 

Happy family and a white picket fence? Oh stars no! We all perceive things in a different way. Some people perceive the events in my life as a tragic life altering situation. They are politically correct but the situation has not altered my perception. It's helped me have clarity. Clarity about what you ask? What are these events you speak of? Oh friend I will get to them. Right now im just unleashing the cloud of random thoughts in my mind as I sit here and unwind my day. 

This is what we do as moms and busy women. We need to unwind the craziness. Sadly many won't take the time to do so but I don't want to be i. That group anymore. I just want to rambl. Until I can finally start making sense. Until then... Think on this. 

Here's to a new Journey

Night has come and here I am alone. Ahhh the peace and quite. Yet so many things run through my mind of things to do. I could finish my book, The Best Yes. I could watch tv. But no here I go starting to write. I have a story to tell and im ready to do so. I'm by no means a writer but this is something I feel that God is leading me to do. I'm excited about this journey but more so nervous to open up and share intimate personal details with a bunch of strangers. However you will become like family to me. This is what I need to do to let you in on my crazy, hectic wonderful God made and centered life. 

I am a mom, a wife, a use to be registered nurse, I clean houses, run a business, cook, do laundry, attend church and try to remain faithful to this life God has given me. The past year we have encountered trials and circumstances bigger and harder than ever. Good thing is im here to tell you my story and what really happened! Stay tuned because this is the beginning of a Mom after Gods own heart.