Double minded. Random thoughts of a manic depressive.

It's taken me a lot of courage to speak out about living life with bi polar. Scared of what people may think and how people will see me afterwards. But how can I bring awareness to mental health by living in a bubble. 

Living in the funk is what I call it. There really is no balance. Life can change in a matter of seconds and your happy cheerful mood is replaced with feeling blah and blue. There is a pretty consistent pattern of highs and lows yet sometimes you are plagued with an Intolerable amount of negative emotions. 

Here I am now. Faced with the dark cloud. It's come over me like a thunderstorm on a summer day. It was just sunshine and blue skies outside. Why must I feel this way? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't get a grip. Sinking further and further down. It's days like these that I wish I could stay in bed. But instead I have to put on my happy face and get out in the world. Days like the past few days where I don't know who I am. I feel yuck. Struggling. To hold my eyes open bc the negative emotion drains me and I feel exhausted mentally. 

I drag myself up and down outta bed every night to comfort crying babies. Lord are you sure this is the life for me I ask? I tear up from all the screaming.. Crying babies overwhelm my mind. But I stay strong and comfort them back to sleep. One at a time. Then comes morning.. 

Another day.. Another day to come where I drag myself out of bed. Lacking the energy and motivation I need to get up. I'm seriously wishing I could just wrap myself in a bubble right now. But I'm a mom, a wife and advocate for life. I must get up and put on my happy face. If only I could find my happy place in life again. I know this won't last long. But it seems like forever. I. Can't. Even. Think. Straight. 

You see bipolar type 2 is known for its depressive state. The highs and lows fluctuate even being on medication it still fluctuates. Things would be alot worse if I wasn't on meds you see. Most of the time when we here bipolar with think of a crazy person going off the deep end. A person of mood shifts and angry outburst, tons of relationships and impulsive spending. This however describes the manic part of bipolar. We don't hear a lot of the depression associated with being diagnosed with such disorder. But for me the depression is what I'm hit hard with. It happens for NO REASON! Coming every couple of weeks. The battle is real and without warning..

Life suffers when I am faced with this episode. That's what it is an episode. It is short lived but heavily onset. Going from highly motivated to sluggish and slow to role all within a matter of minutes. 

How to deal? I pray a lot and talk to the Lord. I get my strength from Him to endure the challenging times ahead. I rely on my devotions to uplift me. I surround myself with positive motivated people. I lean on close friends to speak life to me. I'm not very verbal about it but those that are around me know when this strikes. I let things go that I'm normally on top of. Laundry piles up. My house is a hot mess..(well hot mess for normal) I don't wash my hair for days and I avoid mirrors at all cost. The struggle with losing baby weight is high on my radar so it's a big disaster some days. I just wake up each day with a decision to over come the what seems like impossible state of mind. I exercise daily and always start out dreading it but leave feeling accomplished. My diet has a lot to do with the severity of my depression too. If I eat high fat, carb overload and unhealthy stuff I feel weighed down. But if my diet is wholesome my mood is elevated some. I try to get good sleep at night but with the twins that's near impossible since moving them to their beds. I choose to recognize and cope. I deal with the emotions running through my mind. Some days I recluse to my house. I'm quiet to talk and you may not hear from me for days. I tune out life. 

It's a battle. But it's not what defines me. I'm only human and sometimes life is just messed up. We are dealt the cards but how we choose live regardless of obstacles says a lot about our inner integrity and character. 

For now I drink my spark and  get dressed for the day to come! It's Wednesday and today is spin! I have folks counting on me to motivate! It keeps me going! 

Here's to random thoughts and living a double minded kinda life. I wonder how many others struggle with this bc it's frowned upon in society to even discuss it out loud. 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness. That's a lot of people! Becoming aware of our emotions and not being controlled by them is what we can do to be different! Being supportive to one another and realizing that sometimes just having an understanding ear is all that person needs. 

For now I'll continue fighting the lowest of lows and striving to make it to the top of the mountain! Today I'll be me! The best version of me I can be. 

Let Freedom Ring!!

Today is the day we celebrate freedom for our country. We celebrate and remember those that gave their life for our freedom. Today I celebrate with you but In a whole new way. I celebrate with you the freedom of life. The freedom of circumstances. What does the term freedom really mean? We can throw the word around all day today but let's look at the definition...

Freedom as Google defines-

free·dom

ˈfrēdəm/

noun

1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

   "we do have some freedom of choice"

   • absence of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government.

     "he was a champion of Irish freedom"

     synonyms:

     independence, self-government, self-determination, self-rule, home rule, sovereignty, nonalignment, autonomy; democracy "revolution was the only path to freedom"

   • the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

     "the shark thrashed its way to freedom"

     
     
     

     The synonyms given for the term freedom are liberation, Liberty, deliverance. We have been delivered. But let's take it a step further. What is it in life that has you imprisoned? Held captive? Is it finances? Relationships? Addiction? Spiritual turmoil? The list goes on. For me this time last year I was held prisoner by my circumstances. I let them take over me and control my mind for so long. It's easy to fall into the trap of imprisonment of life and chaos when we are attempting to walk alone. We let the weight of the world sink into us. We become victims of our own choices and decisions. We feel like slaves to our jobs, households, marriage or children. But it doesn't have to be this way.  Today we celebrate freedom. Most think of the 4th of July as one big party or fireworks. But for some of us freedom is defined as a personal victory. It's defeating the odds. It's defeating cancer. It's overcoming grief of a loved one. It's defeating the need to please and to be comfortable in our own skin. It's celebrating freedom from depression or anxiety that had us gripped by the neck. We all share something in common. We chose to overcome.  My devotion this morning spoke of not letting our battles become who we are. "The truth is, we get to choose whether or not we will remain a victim. We can’t change what happened to us yesterday but we can decide where we will go from here." "We can either continue to focus on the obstacles and find excuses that will keep us stuck in the conditions and mindsets that perpetuate our sense of victimhood, or we can stand up, take responsibility for what is ours, and walk towards freedom and healing." Words spoken so true! She goes on to give the example of the paralyzed man for 38 years that for years kept throwing every excuse for his problems.

     When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” How many of us are just like this man? We feel captive by our emotions and situations but really what we need is for Jesus to tell us to GET UP! Get up and move!  We do not have to be held captive! We can be free. Free to worship. Free to praise and free to live the life God intended us to live!  Today celebrate your freedom through Jesus! Not only celebrate the country's declaration from independence but celebrate your freedom through Jesus Christ! Break free from the chains that are holding you down! No more putting on your happy face but put own your armor everyday to defeat the battles of life. Wherever you are today you may be happy, sad or mad. But choose your definition of freedom. Let it ring! Listen to Martina Mcbrides song Independence Day. Let it be your soundtrack for the day! Celebrate life. Celebrate YOU! You are worthy friend!

     ‭ ‭ John‬ ‭5:6-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

July. The month of unexplained promises and Mental Health awareness . Part 1 of my story.

July is the month that last years brought many promises and changes in our life. I'll never forget this certain week in general. I had gone on a Monday to visit a dear friend. Something felt off but I figured it was just time for my cycle.. We laughed and carried on for a couple of hours and before I left I joked about wanting to be pregnant. 

Tuesday came. No cycle. 

Wednesday came. July 15 2015  I'll never forget that day. I felt odd. Something was up. I'm late for my cycle. Could it be?? NOOOO it's just not the right time in my life right now. It's filled with chaos and turmoil and the fear of the unknown. A few minutes later I drove to Walgreens. We didn't have much money at the moment so I may have spent our last $20 on a pregnancy test. I hurried home. 

Waiting. Waiting. I prayed "Lord if this be your will for my life right now I'll accept whatever result pops up." 

There it appeared. Pregnant. Excitement filled my insides for several minutes. Then I sent the pic to my hubby. "Is that real?" He asked. "Yep!" I replied. Then just sat in awe. Wow Lord are you sure about this? I mean my life is so unpredictable right now. That's when he spoke to me clear as day and said "My child I promise you everything will be alright! You are going to be a mom again and will be here to raise your children." That was a promise. I felt peace and the giddiness took over followed by fear. The devil started playing mind games with me. Telling me others would think I was crazy to bring a child into the world right now with my situation. The questions of my future, prison, court, the battles were real. 

Later that day I received an email from my attorney Tracy. He informed me we had been denied a motion that could have been a breaking point in my case. I was so discouraged. Here I am newly pregnant with a future not looking so bright. I felt deep down everything would be ok but the facts of not knowing we're just stinking reality. 

It was a few days later that I realized being denied that motion was a sign. It happened the very day that the Lord spoke promises to me. This child was no mistake and most importantly was given to me in a time of dyer need to feel loved and wanted again. 

I don't speak of these things often. For fear of what others would think but I will not hold back any longer. I went into this pregnancy a different person than I was with my first. I was a depressed, manic type 2 bi polar diagnosed woman struggling. I decided to come off my medicine since I found out I was pregnant. 

Not a good idea. Almost 3 weeks into my pregnancy I could barely drag myself out of bed. I was in such a dark pit. Questioning everything. I went to my psych doctor and saw my OB dr and told them what the deal wAs. Soon after I started back on my medicine. Took almost a month to gain myself back. Bad choice there. I'm type two Bipolar which means instead of long periods of mania I suffer from long periods of the depressed state. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain. Not self diagnosed but noticed by my therapist I saw for 2 years. This my friends is real life. So many folks we know struggle and suffer in silence. I want to break that silence. 

No longer embarrassed to know that mental health is a real thing. I ran from it for far too long. Scared to End up like my mother. Found out It's also genetic. My mom and my my brother had it. I surely hope to not pass it down to my children. I don't wish this madness on anyone. But after years of impulsive spending, relationships and decisions I've finally got a grip on my life. When I feel the darkness gripping me I pray harder. I mean on my redeemer to bring me out of the pit! 

July I learned A lot that month. I learned to accept myself for who I am. I learned that the Lord gives us promises in specific ways. I learned to start speaking up and being real with my emotions. I learned that the next 9 months would be the hardest 9 months of my life! Only to have a surprise thrown in there halfway during it. Stay tuned to more promises the Lord showed me. How God has a since of humor and how I dealt with pregnancy, mental health disorders and tragedy all wrapped into one big basket. 

God bless. 

I