My story. Life after tragedy! The questions I have answers to!

So the other day I started writing the rest of my story by sharing the end of it first. I have so much to say regarding those circumstances, but will write that at another time. Here's what happened after the verdict and where I am today. 

The night of February 19, 2016 was a night I had forgotten about. It was calm. It was silent. You could here a pin drop and hear my heart pound. Still stricken with panic even after I was given the not guilty verdict by 12 strangers. It was a restless night. Replaying the last 4 days over in my mind. Still scared that at any moment I was going to disappear into a strange cold cell. Fear. That's all it was. My therapist said it was normal to suffer such anxiety after a huge trauma in my life. So this went on for 4 nights in a row. Me nor my husband slept at all. I was exhausted and by this time 36 weeks pregnant with our twin girls. Something had to give. 

Finally some rest a week after the verdict. Finally sleep. Finally a night of being somber and full of peace. Why had the Lord allowed such a tragic thing to take over my life? Why me? Why my family? The hurt the anguish. But then that one day finally came after. Peace that surpasses all understanding. The scripture I clung to during the last 3 years finally made sense. I finally felt peace and tasted freedom again. The hymn victory in Jesus played on my mind. 

Soon after things returned to our new normal I had a sweet dear friend of mine, my sons preschool teacher give me a beautiful painting. With a song Free to worship by Eddie James written on the back of it. Oh the tears I cried listening to that song! If you have never heard it please go listen to it now. Tears of pure joy. What a precious soul to paint such a brilliant picture for me during the hardest trial id ever encountered. Here's a snapshot of that painting! I tried taking a picture but my camera is full! Figures! 

It was that song that brought my mind back to reality and help me process everything that had gone on the past week! So thankful for all the friends that supported me and prayed for me during that time! 

March 7th 2016 at 12:49 we welcomed our first baby girl Kennedy Mae into the world and 1 minute later her sister Kailyn Ruth came into the world! My precious miracle gifts from the Lord. Here's my family that day. 

These pictures reflect Gods master plan! We live the blue print but he's got the hard copy of our lives planned out hair by hair and beat by beat! Both of our girls were healthy! I made it to 38 weeks and 3 days without being dilated one centimeter after all the stress of the trial! Incredible! He was with me the entire time. The times I felt mistaken, depressed, used and forgotten He was there! Always! 

I mean what are the odds of having twins?! Randomly! Spontaneously!? With my circumstances?? It was not the ideal situation. But I said from the beginning this is Gods promise to me. And he fulfilled that promise. ❤️ 

Here are some questions people have asked me I thought I would share. 

Where am I today??

Busy!! My baby girls are 3 1/2 months now! Life is crazy busy! Monday through Friday we are all at the Ymca working out. This keeps me sane! Soon after I started working out there a position to teach fitness classes came available! My love for spin has always pushed me. Here I am today teaching spin class every Wednesday morning at 9 am! Such a blessing! Getting paid to do what I love most! Never thought in a million years I'd get the opportunity to pursue my dreams but they door opened and I gladly took it! Thanks Ann and Catherine for having faith in me and giving me this chance! Not only will it help whip me in shape and keep me accountable but it also allows me to encourage and motivate others! My favorite part! 

Do I still have my nursing license? 

Yes, though it's temporally suspended due to situation and I need to get that taken care of this year sometime. I still am/ will be a nurse, an RN forever! It's in my soul down deep. I miss it terribly. But it's a door God has chosen to close for now. 

Will I ever nurse again? 

Later when the kids are all in school I may go back to school to become a nurse practitioner or will get a clinic job with good hours. But it will be a long time if I ever go back. Being stung puts a sour taste in my mouth for a while. 

Do I forgive the two co workers and nurses that made those accusations against me? 

Yes I forgave them a long time ago. I was bitter for a long time until I realized what was keeping me that way. I forgave both he and she. I'll never understand why I was used as an example in the medical field. Coworkers are not always true friends. Learned that the hard way. But I pray that they saw Jesus through all of this and that their hearts closer to the Lord. 

Why didn't I testify? I planned on testifying that Friday morning. I had pushed myself up to do so. I wanted them to hear my side. My attorney suggested not doing so. I listened to him. 

Did the doctors charge for their testimony? No. None of the doctors on my side charged me anything. A huge blessing bc we had already spent thousands of dollars related to this. I think this spoke millions about them. They did it out of the goodness of their hearts and spoke the truth. 

Do I watch the news? I finally can again. Very seldom do I bc they blasted my name for the world to see and didn't think twice about it. I cringe and feel sorry for every person I see shared across social media. You never get the whole story! So quit sharing articles you read folks! They only hit the highlights that sell! 

Why cleaning houses? 

I love to clean! I'm good at it! And it's easy money! It's a ministry in itself to serve and help other families live a better non cluttered kind of life! ❤️

These are several questions I've gotten over the past few months! If you have a specific question email me and I'll write about it! My life is open book. I truly believe it's being used to glorify my God and to shine a light in the darkness! 

Life now is full of changing diapers, babies crying, chasing a 4 year old, fixing dinner, meal prep, healthy lifestyle changes, running, cleaning Houses, AdvoCare, classes at the Ymca and going to church! I still clean a few houses on the side and love my AdvoCare! It's been a total blessing through all of this! Food on the table kind of blessing! So yeah.. Everyday is like a box of chocolate! You never know what your gonna get! :) 

Have a blessed day! 

 

 

 

Breaking free from these chains. A war with Depression.

Its a Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday and I sit here reading and keeping my mind busy while my sweet boy takes a nap. Its been a very rocky, rough, jagged, crooked week. The kind of week that makes me want to run and hide and never come back. Nothing selfish or anything like that but simply just the reality of what my mind and body are going through and have been going through this past year, and for the course of my entire year. We sang this song at church Sunday and tears just welled up in my eyes and my heart trembled during during the entire song. Its by Mercy Me and called God with US.

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That's worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release from the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing

[Chorus]
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid
These chains are gone
Emmanuel God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

You can download it on iTunes or listen to it on Pandora. It plays often on K Love radio which is what I tune into everyday because I believe that its very important about what we feed our minds. Every now and again I listen to another local radio station to just hear some beats or catch a running jam. Anyhoo... where was I? Yes this week. 

Im 6 days away from court again. Court being a hearing with a new judge in the county and regarding motions my attorney filed to get the state disqualified and off of my case. I still don't understand all of the legal jargon nor have I attempted to much understand it because I didn't go to school to be a lawyer I got a degree in nursing and that's where my knowledge will always be. That's just how I feel about that.

For months now I have suffered from aches and pains really in my neck and shoulders, unexplained weakness in my muscles and tingling in my feet.  I went to the chiropractor because I longed so much to feel better and get back to normal. Well its been a few months of regular visits and im doing great in his eyes but the pain and misery are still there. He suggested I go see a dr because clinically his work is benefiting me according to my muscles and neck and alignment, per say. Well I didn't bother telling him that the stress in my life is contributing to life altering circumstances and that I had a nervous breakdown on the way to his office that Monday morning. No I just kept it all in and told him that I think stress is just to blame for all my muscle tension. I agreed to go to the dr. Matter of fact I had decided that once I leave his office im going to my NP office friend and seeing if she can help me figure out why I hurt so bad and can barely function in the mornings and hold my head up. During the initial visit with the nurse she probably thinks I'm nuts. Crying. Explaining my pain, heart racing, anxiety etc. She said sounds like depression... Well no duh Sherlock I've known I've been dealing with that for months now.. Years actually.. But to me that was just emotional stuff.. More of a mental type situation. Not physical.. My vital signs were perfect of course. They are just gonna think I'm losing my mind I thought. The nurse left and I cried again. Lord please help me. 

A few minutes later my friend comes in. Such a sweet spirit she is. She taught me in nursing school and I knew she was always going to be a blessing to me I just never knew how. Here I am in her office again just falling apart. My mind is tired. I just start crying and tell her I'm at the end and I don't know how much more I can stand. I'd rather go to check in to pine grove than to keep feeling this way. I explained all my pain, tiredness worry of stuff being wrong and my increase in anxiety. Midst the court date coming I knew that how I felt is different than ever. And it was. She showed me this chart. And that's when I realized it's all in my head but now it's become real and im living my emotions.

You see for years I've thought as depression as a mental illness. I've ran from it. Dealt with it but most importantly thought I understood it. Today I was wrong. No mri, no blood test nothing like that could address my problem. I'm in the green according to the diagram and to me that means I've hit rock bottom. I feel like I've lost myself. My sanity is up in the air and im just floating around this world. I looked at her and said I get it now. She prayed. I cried and soon my visit ended. Dr visit turned therapy session and free at that. God surely knows how to open my eyes. 

Yet my eyes still weren't open. I was so down that the light couldn't be seen. I went through the motions of my day but I struggled to pick my head up and could barely enjoy playing with B. B was my hero. He's my shining light and always brings such joy to me as being his mama does. But even that was lost. My body aches in pain. Im drained emotionally and physically. There isn't enough spark in the world right now to help wake me up!! So I went to bed praying for a miracle and so so tired and needing to sleep. 

Today I woke up feeling different but not better. Everything I did was intentional and prayed upon to just help me do better and feel better. 

Every Tuesday I drop B off at school and head to clean a friends house. I arrived as usual and decided instead of music that I would listen to my podcasts today like I normally do. I just felt the need to do so. 

Halfway through my second christian podcast which is based on a woman's personal testimony with depression I hear them say that when something is awesome around the corner that's when Satan is at his best to destroy you and that when you call out to God in prayer that it goes straight to the thrown of the Lord. I cried and looked up and said okay God I see this now. 

I may be battling depression because depression is a real live living thing. But my battle is much more than that. My battle is with evil. Satan who is main goal is to seek and destroy goes after those that he knows God is going to use and has plans for. This my friend is my battle. I may be experiencing a deep depression and feeling the physical pain and symptoms of it but it's only temporary! Satan is trying to use it to distract me. He wants me sad down and discouraged because he wants me to be apart from our God. But today I made a stand! I accept this depression as only temporary.  Because these feelings won't last and a victory is on its way! The closer we get to this victory the harder the enemy works to bring me down. He's using all these lies about me, my life, my healthy my marriage and anything surrounding be that I love and treasure. 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)"

But this to shall pass! God is good and he died to set me free from this pain and sorrow! 

I end with these two quotes because they speak truth! 

Thank you for joining me on this journey and bearing with my bipolar mind to get my thoughts out in some kind of order but being led by the spirit! 

If you are interested in the podcast I listened to today you can find it here at http://godcenteredmom.com/2015/04/13/a-naptime-diary-jessi-connolly-ep-68/