Beauty from ashes

I sit here in the stillness of the early morning. I sit here reflecting and praising my Lord. My what a year it has been and it's almost coming to an end. I am filled with such a thankful heart and a soul of gratitude. Something tugging at my heartstrings to just write again. In the midst of life's chaos, changing diapers and chasing a 4 year old I don't get much time to collect my thoughts enough to write these days. But I do EVERY SINGLE MORNING wake up to study His word and have quiet time before anyone in my house wakes up. It may be 3,4 or 5am but I arise to have my heart and mind strengthened for the day. 

Some days get so chaotic that it's like I've forgotten about that time I woke up to. I'll get I'll tempered, frustrated and find myself filled and consumed with the worry and doubts of life. But it's in the stillness of mornings like this that I can find my center and refill my soul with His  word. So back to reflection....

I don't even know where to start. This time last Christmas I was big as a house carrying two babies that were to me, Gods Promises. At the time I lived in a world filled with uncertainty of their future. Would they be born to a life of freedom? Would their mom be part of their life? Would they be born into a world of chaos? Life was like living on the edge. It was a rollercoaster of a ride. If you aren't familiar with my story look back on my blog and read The verdict. 

A new year began in 2016 full of faith and hope. These were two things in my life that were secure and unwavering. No one could take these away from me. The devil certainly tried but I stood firm with my feet planted on the ground. I was surrounded in life by people that loved me. People that prayed over me, fought for me and had hope in things not seen. They kept me grounded. My family and friends, well the friends that I had gained over the past 2 years, stood by my side in some of the darkest days yet to come. 

February 16 crept up on me like a snail in the dirt. My living nightmare was coming to face me like a giant. 35 weeks pregnant with twins I walked into a courtroom facing the fears that struck me like lightening during a rain storm. 3 days of witnesses, evidence, or lack of is say, and motions that were just foreign to me, passed by with a blur. Media blasted me in the local newspaper. I faced each day listening to I trust in You by lauren Daigle. It gave me strength to face my giants. 

February 19th came, the day of judgement. I came in that morning and just glared at the jury, fear struck me and my body went numb. Contractions were a lot more frequent this morning but according to the day before, my dr appt went smooth and I had not progressed one centimeter. I came prepared that morning to speak and give my testimony, but God had other plans. He had placed it on my attorneys heart apparently to take a different approach. I would no longer be speaking. Filled with relief and anguish at the same time I sighed a release of breath. The morning was long. So very long. After lunch came closing statements and by 3pm the jury would return to their room to decide the fate of my case. However I knew that this battle was already fought. Because the Lord promised to go before me. 

5pm came. There was a knock. The answer was here. As I type this right now my body still shakes and trembles as I remember my emotions that very moment. Everything went quiet. The verdict had been handed to the judge. I couldn't tell by his expression. My heart was racing. I held on to my belly, praying, trembling with fear. Here it goes. The clerk Martin had it in his hands and as he read NOT GUILTY. I could hear the sighs and cries from afar. I buried my face in my hands. Tears flowed down my face. It's over. It's really over Lord. Two words changed my life forever. I gave my attorney the biggest hug of thank you and proceeded to find my family and was greeted with tears and hugs. Friends and family filled the courtroom that day and I'll never forget the love and support that week. 

Of course I was found to be the on the front page of the paper that weekend. But this time I rejoiced and my heart praised Him. My father in law told me this was his most favorite picture of me. I couldn't look at it long bc emotions raged within. I was still in awe and shock of it all. I couldn't sleep for a few nights but finally got rest a few nights later. A night of sleep to recover what the past 3 years had taken away from me. 

This friends is Mercy. This was a second chance to live a life not taken for granted. This was a new beginning. I would never be the same person again. I was redeemed and forever grateful. 

As I continue to reflect.... The blessings just poured in. 

We welcomed our baby girls Kennedy MAE and Kailyn Ruth March 7, 2016. Healthy baby, healthy mama. They were perfect. They were my gifts from the Lord. His promises fulfilled. My life would never be the same. They immediately brough such joy to our lives. 

It's rumored that God won't place more on you than you can handle. However this is a false statement. Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days and SATAN tempted Him 3 times. But Jesus stood firm on the Word of God. Life will throw us curveballs. Life will be unbearable and you WILL be given more than you can handle or bear. It's at that moment in weakness that He makes you strong. On days when you feel you can't go on He picks you up and carries you. He carried me for 3 years. Not a day went by that I got up and walked alone. He too, will carry you my friend. All we have to do is Ask! On to more reflecting... 

In May a dear friend of mine asked me about my nursing license and if I planned on returning to work. I laughed at the thought and didn't think one second of working with so much on my plate. Parenting twins is no joke! But something in the back of my mind had me start the process of reinstating my license. I figured it would be an easy process but boy was I wrong. After phone calls, emails and letters from my attorney, the board of nursing finally responded. It was some months later we received the date of October 11th for a hearing regarding my license. I was advised I didn't have to be present for that day. It was gonna be Another few months of waiting. 

After having the girls in March I went into a state of hypomania. You see I'm a manic depressant and no I'm not ashamed. Mental illness has a history in my family. My mom and brother both suffered from this disorder. However they don't and didn't have the self awareness that I've got. I choose to get help and treatment. For 3 months I stayed busy and active and nonstop from teaching spin, cleaning houses and caring for my family. But something changed. Boy did it change. July came and towards the end of the month a huge cloud of darkness plagued me. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I had dealt with depression before but this was different. This went on for weeks and only got worse. I wouldn't shower for days or wash my hair. I had no strength for the gym and quit going altogether for the month of august. I completely shut down. I didn't want to take care of my family nor the girls. I wanted to just crawl into a hole and sleep. But I couldn't do that. So much now is a blur bc I wasn't in my right state of mind. September came and the darkness was too much to bear. Everyone around me was worried. I didn't know how much longer I could go on like this. I tried numbing the pain but it just came back stronger. I sought treatment September 15th for a couple of days to gain my life back. The longest few days ever. But God had already worked out the details. He was with me and my family that week. He stirred in my heart. I never quit praying and having my quiet time during those dark times. 

Bipolar depression and post partum depression are no joke. Combined led to a hot mess. I felt so ashamed bc here I was free from chains and blessed with beautiful babies yet I couldn't shake this darkness. So many people suffer in silence. Ashamed to get help or reach out to someone they trust. I knew that if I didn't get help that I'd become another statistic and I knew in my heart that was not Gods plan. I was battling a physical and emotional and spiritual battle. I turned to Ephesians 6 many days in order to fight this battle. Many days of healing would take place before I'd regain myself again. 

I started walking soon after and found it to be the best medicine. It made me feel alive again and gave me energy. I finally returned to the gym at the end of September. It was a gradual process. I was still battling my inner demons of self image and losing this baby weight. But the first step to health is becoming more active. Surrounding yourself with upbeat positive people is the second step. Back to reflecting... 

October 11th finally came. I heard nothing. The following day.. nothing. 

Thursday morning October 13th I received an email from my attorney. The board of nursing had granted my request for reinstatement!  Praise the Lord!!! I was filled with excitement! That night I began looking at jobs just for the fun of it. No plan in sight. So I began the process online to get my license back. During my legal situation it had been temporarily suspended pending the verdict. They granted my license back with no restrictions nor discipline. This was such a blessing and another answered prayers. My patience had grown stronger and stronger. 

Finally after weeks of waiting in November the Tuesday before thanksgiving I Checked the website one more time. To my surprise there it was. The word "ACTIVE" registered nurse. Oh to see those words. I stood amazed and in awe at Gods timing. 

A few weeks back I had applied and sent in my resume into a company called Forward Health Solutions. Remember my friend back in May that had asked about me going back to work and what was going on with my license?? Well She's the reason I even had the back thought of what if. For the past 6 months or so they had been interviewing people for a part time position but had yet to fill this position. She had suggested to me to send in my resume and the following Monday I received a phone call. Followed by an interview I soon accepted the job offer. This was all Gods timing. They accepted me for who I was and my past didn't affect what the Lord had planned. He had led me to this place and was working out the details. Thank you Deanna for remaking faithful and persistent in nudging me in the right direction. Had you never mentioned nursing as an option back in May I'd never have initiated the process to regain my career. I'm so thankful for you and these new beginnings! 

I've sat here for the past two hours writing to you and rambling. I've reflected on some of life's biggest moments for me this year. Looking back everything has been like a puzzle and all the pieces fit where they belong. I may not be exactly where I want to be but I'm definitely not where I use to be. God has me exactly where he wants me to be though and I'm trusting Him as he paves the way. 

Hard times will come. We will experience loss, pain, rejection, struggles and doubt. We live in a dark world. But everyday we wake up we have a choice to be the light. Be the light that shines in someone's life. Share life's ups and downs with those you love and trust. Don't keep things bottled up inside. If you are struggling with your own battle of depression, seek help. And do it asap! God gave us wisdom and resources so we need to take advantage of those in times of need. You don't have to wallow in the darkness. You are made for so much more. I'm made for so much more than I give myself credit for. 

I don't write this story for sympathy! I write it to share my testimony that God is on your side. Even when he feels the most distant he's there. He's real. My life is proof there is a living and breathing Lord! A Savior! 

The older I get the wiser I become. The more Christmas really means to me. Sunday we celebrate Jesus's birth. God sent his only Son to save us from a world full of sin and darkness. How wonderful is that. All of the pain, hurt and defeat in my life has been washed away because my Savior was born. He bore all my sins and suffered for you and me. He is the only true medicine. He cleanses us and renews us. You can't truly experience life until your heart knows Him personally. I'm so thankful that I know Him and that he's been by my side this year, my whole life. 

I pray that God uses me and my story for His honor and glory. I pray that he encourages you through whatever storm you are going through. I pray that He renews your mind and strengthens your heart. 

Here's to a new year. 2017 I'm ready for you! I welcome you with open arms and excitement of what's to come. Mold me and make me into the person you created me to be. 

He's turned my story into beauty from ashes. 

God bless and Merry Christmas! 🎄 

My Story. A renewed spirit after being broken. I'm free!

Hello to you all. It's been several months since we have spoken. The girls are napping this Sunday morning so it's time to share. So much has gone on I really don't know quite where to start. So I'll give you a brief summary of events following My last post back in June. See I'm a manic depressant and I tend to write more when I'm on a high of life. My mind runs so quickly that the only way to settle my thoughts is to write them out. That was my state of mind after having my twins back in March this year. I came home roaring and ready to go. Counting the days until I was able to go outside and back to the gym to start my journey back to a healthier mama. This was only the beginning of a blur of a few months. 

It was around July the girls were around 4 months that I noticed my energy declining and mood shifting. See after every hypomanic episode comes a season of darkness. But the lows usually only lasted no more than a month and I was beginning to prepare myself for the next few weeks. Dr visits, counseling sessions and adjustments with my medications. A month came and went, my activity level started to drop, my obligations started to fade away and my life perception was altered. Something wasn't right. I was not ok. 

August came and I was struggling. The twins were 5 months and were growing so fast. Days and nights were a blur and my days were just running together. I couldn't keep up. I was tired. From cleaning houses, working out, teaching spin classes and maintaining a family I was stretched to my limit. How did I get this way? Well back during my hypomanic episode after the girls were 2 months I took on a tad too many responsibilities. But I had energy for days and major focus! However that time had came and gone. I now found myself in the pit of depression, exhausted and aching from head to toe. But this was no regular depression. I was irritable, my patience wore thin with my kids, I was having several occasions of irrational thoughts, I found myself telling God I couldn't be the mom He wanted me to be, I felt like a failure and just quite frankly was ready to throw in the bucket. 

 

No one tells you about this part of life. No one tells you it can hit you at anytime, any second or any day. See they wanna keep things covered up so that what you see on social media is how things "really are." But I'm here to tell you life is real. This is real. It is real. What is it?? 

Postpartum depression. It hit me like a massive sack of bricks around 5 months. I guess for a long time I was in denial. I just figured I was going through a low with my illness. It wasn't until a few articles and my husband suggesting it that I came to realize what I was dealing with was not my normal. Nothing was helping, nothing was getting better. I was a month and a half in and in the darkest place of my life. I felt like I was outside my body just going through the motions. Inside me was like fighting a demon. Seriously this may sound crazy coo coo but I was in a battle. A spiritual battle within my body, heart and mind. I didn't want to take care of myself, much less care for my 4 year old, 6 month old twins or my husband. What I did do took all the energy and willpower I had. Pale skin, dark eyes and a weeping spirit I knew that I could not function like this much longer. I couldn't bare to live in this state. Some days I just couldn't even deal. Iwas coping in ways that were outta control. My life was falling apart and I couldn't pick up the pieces. Everyone around me was suffering. My poor babies needed their mama and she wasn't there, not the way she needed to be. Something needed to change. I was in a bad place. 

So I got help. The hardest thing to do in life is admitting our weaknesses and asking for help. But I didn't ask for help, I begged for it. I cried out to my God to save me from this pit. 4 days away from the ones I love was the hardest time of my life. Feeling like a failure I continued going through the motions. But God knew what he was doing. He was still in control through all of this. The first day of my stay my nurse looked familiar. Come to find out we had worked together when I was fresh out of nursing school. First time I felt Gods presence in weeks. Second thing that happened and still gives me chills is this: I walked up to the nursing station to talk to my nurse. She told me "that I reminded her so much of a friend she went to high school with." I kinda shrugged it off but she said it a second time so I went on to ask " Well who's your friend? Where did you go to high school?" She then proceeded to tell me the name Sandra Dixon ajnd Oak Grove High school. My eyes fixed on her and my heart skipped a beat. "That's my mama." (Whom passed away some 16 years ago) Wow. God had sent me my own angel to care for me those two days. I'll never forget it. See he knows our days and has them planned ahead of time. He knew where I'd be that day and time and ordained a God given meeting. Soon afterwards my spirit began to lift. It was definitely an experience those 4 days. I'll never forget them. I came home ready to take on the world again. Healing one day at a time. New perspective. Well that lasted 24 hours. Friday morning I woke up feeling down again and would continue feeling that way until a week or so later. 

 

With continued, hard prayer and a good nights rest I finally woke up one morning feeling refreshed. I went for a walk one Thursday afternoon and that my friend has been 5 weeks ago. That walk changed my life. It was nothing special but it was breathing fresh hair and the Holy Spirit renewing my soul. 

It's been a day by day kind of healing but it's healing. Healing from pit of darkness, healing from the post partum depression and healing from fighting that inner demon within me. I'm so thankful I didn't give up and most importantly that He didn't give up on me. For the past 3 years I had endured pain and heartache with periods of depression but had NEVER experienced anything like this before. I guess time finally caught up with me. My finely trimmed and groomed outside appearance of life had finally became transparent. Satan beat me and beat me but never defeated me. He knew something BIG was around the corner and didn't want me around to be part of it. 

 

Two weeks ago after a month of attempting contact the nursing board met regarding my license. They would determine if it would be reinstated or not. A HUGE day! If you don't know he other part of my story check out Part 3 below. They met on a Tuesday. My attorney and I emailed back and forth regarding it but no word until Thursday morning. I had just dropped off my son at preschool and was headed home. I checked my email while waiting at a redlight and when I read it I bout rear ended the truck in from of me. It went on to tell me that they had decided to reinstate my license and that my file would have nothing negative on it and no restrictions on my license. I started balling my eyes out. Wow! This is it! This is the last part of this chapter of my life! All that I've been through was for this VERY MOMENT! God spoke peace into my heart that second and said "Be still and know that I am God." I been still Lord for far too long and what a blessing to be shown grace and mercy. I gave him all the honor and praise. That day I declared victory over my life. Another burden removed from life. Here I was a sinner saved by Grace living His testimony of faith right then. 

This picture shows it all. It's the last piece of this miserable puzzle of the past 3 years of my life! I can finally breathe and rest at night fully! 

People say God won't give you more than you can handle but that's not accurate. God will allow way more than you can handle or bear. During that time is when He is molding and creating you into the person that He wants you to be! Through trials, loss, struggles, and defeats He is always there. When you feel he is gone He is there. When you are at the end of your road He meets you there. When you can't get out of bed in the mornings He lifts the sheets and pulls your legs out from under the covers!! God is there! He's is REAL YALL! He is faithful when we remain faithful! 

During those hard couple of months postpartum I encountered I stayed steadfast in my bible. I read it daily. I studied it. I wrote out my prayers. The enemie never ceased! The days my prayers were stronger he fought harder. The days I couldn't bare to hang on he kept stepping on my fingers. But I continued to pray and plead the name of Jesus over my life and my family! I may have felt like giving up but I never not ONCE gave up! Just like the story of Job who lost everything God remained faithful! I was reminded of this scripture soon after I posted my freedom on Facebook. It's a beautiful scripture of God remaining faithful. 

“The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.

After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭42:12, 16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Whomever is reading this, wherever you are in your life. GOD IS FAITHFUL! He sent his Son to die on the cross to save us from a world of sin and sorrow. His blood shed that day covered all the heartache and pain we would feel! The day He arose is a reminder that GOD IS FAITHFUL! Remain faithful my friend. Remain faithful! 

; This story isn't over yet! It's just beginning! 

I am Redeemed 

By Big Daddy Weave 

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son

Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy

Named by the voice of my shame and regret

But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"

I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me

'Cause his day is long dead and gone

Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be

Jesus, I'm not who I used to be

'Cause I am redeemed

Thank God, redeemed

 

Let Freedom Ring!!

Today is the day we celebrate freedom for our country. We celebrate and remember those that gave their life for our freedom. Today I celebrate with you but In a whole new way. I celebrate with you the freedom of life. The freedom of circumstances. What does the term freedom really mean? We can throw the word around all day today but let's look at the definition...

Freedom as Google defines-

free·dom

ˈfrēdəm/

noun

1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

   "we do have some freedom of choice"

   • absence of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government.

     "he was a champion of Irish freedom"

     synonyms:

     independence, self-government, self-determination, self-rule, home rule, sovereignty, nonalignment, autonomy; democracy "revolution was the only path to freedom"

   • the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

     "the shark thrashed its way to freedom"

     
     
     

     The synonyms given for the term freedom are liberation, Liberty, deliverance. We have been delivered. But let's take it a step further. What is it in life that has you imprisoned? Held captive? Is it finances? Relationships? Addiction? Spiritual turmoil? The list goes on. For me this time last year I was held prisoner by my circumstances. I let them take over me and control my mind for so long. It's easy to fall into the trap of imprisonment of life and chaos when we are attempting to walk alone. We let the weight of the world sink into us. We become victims of our own choices and decisions. We feel like slaves to our jobs, households, marriage or children. But it doesn't have to be this way.  Today we celebrate freedom. Most think of the 4th of July as one big party or fireworks. But for some of us freedom is defined as a personal victory. It's defeating the odds. It's defeating cancer. It's overcoming grief of a loved one. It's defeating the need to please and to be comfortable in our own skin. It's celebrating freedom from depression or anxiety that had us gripped by the neck. We all share something in common. We chose to overcome.  My devotion this morning spoke of not letting our battles become who we are. "The truth is, we get to choose whether or not we will remain a victim. We can’t change what happened to us yesterday but we can decide where we will go from here." "We can either continue to focus on the obstacles and find excuses that will keep us stuck in the conditions and mindsets that perpetuate our sense of victimhood, or we can stand up, take responsibility for what is ours, and walk towards freedom and healing." Words spoken so true! She goes on to give the example of the paralyzed man for 38 years that for years kept throwing every excuse for his problems.

     When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” How many of us are just like this man? We feel captive by our emotions and situations but really what we need is for Jesus to tell us to GET UP! Get up and move!  We do not have to be held captive! We can be free. Free to worship. Free to praise and free to live the life God intended us to live!  Today celebrate your freedom through Jesus! Not only celebrate the country's declaration from independence but celebrate your freedom through Jesus Christ! Break free from the chains that are holding you down! No more putting on your happy face but put own your armor everyday to defeat the battles of life. Wherever you are today you may be happy, sad or mad. But choose your definition of freedom. Let it ring! Listen to Martina Mcbrides song Independence Day. Let it be your soundtrack for the day! Celebrate life. Celebrate YOU! You are worthy friend!

     ‭ ‭ John‬ ‭5:6-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

My story. Life after tragedy! The questions I have answers to!

So the other day I started writing the rest of my story by sharing the end of it first. I have so much to say regarding those circumstances, but will write that at another time. Here's what happened after the verdict and where I am today. 

The night of February 19, 2016 was a night I had forgotten about. It was calm. It was silent. You could here a pin drop and hear my heart pound. Still stricken with panic even after I was given the not guilty verdict by 12 strangers. It was a restless night. Replaying the last 4 days over in my mind. Still scared that at any moment I was going to disappear into a strange cold cell. Fear. That's all it was. My therapist said it was normal to suffer such anxiety after a huge trauma in my life. So this went on for 4 nights in a row. Me nor my husband slept at all. I was exhausted and by this time 36 weeks pregnant with our twin girls. Something had to give. 

Finally some rest a week after the verdict. Finally sleep. Finally a night of being somber and full of peace. Why had the Lord allowed such a tragic thing to take over my life? Why me? Why my family? The hurt the anguish. But then that one day finally came after. Peace that surpasses all understanding. The scripture I clung to during the last 3 years finally made sense. I finally felt peace and tasted freedom again. The hymn victory in Jesus played on my mind. 

Soon after things returned to our new normal I had a sweet dear friend of mine, my sons preschool teacher give me a beautiful painting. With a song Free to worship by Eddie James written on the back of it. Oh the tears I cried listening to that song! If you have never heard it please go listen to it now. Tears of pure joy. What a precious soul to paint such a brilliant picture for me during the hardest trial id ever encountered. Here's a snapshot of that painting! I tried taking a picture but my camera is full! Figures! 

It was that song that brought my mind back to reality and help me process everything that had gone on the past week! So thankful for all the friends that supported me and prayed for me during that time! 

March 7th 2016 at 12:49 we welcomed our first baby girl Kennedy Mae into the world and 1 minute later her sister Kailyn Ruth came into the world! My precious miracle gifts from the Lord. Here's my family that day. 

These pictures reflect Gods master plan! We live the blue print but he's got the hard copy of our lives planned out hair by hair and beat by beat! Both of our girls were healthy! I made it to 38 weeks and 3 days without being dilated one centimeter after all the stress of the trial! Incredible! He was with me the entire time. The times I felt mistaken, depressed, used and forgotten He was there! Always! 

I mean what are the odds of having twins?! Randomly! Spontaneously!? With my circumstances?? It was not the ideal situation. But I said from the beginning this is Gods promise to me. And he fulfilled that promise. ❤️ 

Here are some questions people have asked me I thought I would share. 

Where am I today??

Busy!! My baby girls are 3 1/2 months now! Life is crazy busy! Monday through Friday we are all at the Ymca working out. This keeps me sane! Soon after I started working out there a position to teach fitness classes came available! My love for spin has always pushed me. Here I am today teaching spin class every Wednesday morning at 9 am! Such a blessing! Getting paid to do what I love most! Never thought in a million years I'd get the opportunity to pursue my dreams but they door opened and I gladly took it! Thanks Ann and Catherine for having faith in me and giving me this chance! Not only will it help whip me in shape and keep me accountable but it also allows me to encourage and motivate others! My favorite part! 

Do I still have my nursing license? 

Yes, though it's temporally suspended due to situation and I need to get that taken care of this year sometime. I still am/ will be a nurse, an RN forever! It's in my soul down deep. I miss it terribly. But it's a door God has chosen to close for now. 

Will I ever nurse again? 

Later when the kids are all in school I may go back to school to become a nurse practitioner or will get a clinic job with good hours. But it will be a long time if I ever go back. Being stung puts a sour taste in my mouth for a while. 

Do I forgive the two co workers and nurses that made those accusations against me? 

Yes I forgave them a long time ago. I was bitter for a long time until I realized what was keeping me that way. I forgave both he and she. I'll never understand why I was used as an example in the medical field. Coworkers are not always true friends. Learned that the hard way. But I pray that they saw Jesus through all of this and that their hearts closer to the Lord. 

Why didn't I testify? I planned on testifying that Friday morning. I had pushed myself up to do so. I wanted them to hear my side. My attorney suggested not doing so. I listened to him. 

Did the doctors charge for their testimony? No. None of the doctors on my side charged me anything. A huge blessing bc we had already spent thousands of dollars related to this. I think this spoke millions about them. They did it out of the goodness of their hearts and spoke the truth. 

Do I watch the news? I finally can again. Very seldom do I bc they blasted my name for the world to see and didn't think twice about it. I cringe and feel sorry for every person I see shared across social media. You never get the whole story! So quit sharing articles you read folks! They only hit the highlights that sell! 

Why cleaning houses? 

I love to clean! I'm good at it! And it's easy money! It's a ministry in itself to serve and help other families live a better non cluttered kind of life! ❤️

These are several questions I've gotten over the past few months! If you have a specific question email me and I'll write about it! My life is open book. I truly believe it's being used to glorify my God and to shine a light in the darkness! 

Life now is full of changing diapers, babies crying, chasing a 4 year old, fixing dinner, meal prep, healthy lifestyle changes, running, cleaning Houses, AdvoCare, classes at the Ymca and going to church! I still clean a few houses on the side and love my AdvoCare! It's been a total blessing through all of this! Food on the table kind of blessing! So yeah.. Everyday is like a box of chocolate! You never know what your gonna get! :) 

Have a blessed day! 

 

 

 

Herbal cleanse days 3-5!!! Boom!

It's been go go go all weekend but it's been a good one. Still going strong on my cleanse! Keeping a positive attitude and just fired up about life in general! 

Key benefits of doing this Advocare Herbal cleanse: this is my own personal experience and nothing but personal based on what I've learned and heard. 

-increases your energy levels 

-increases your metabolism 

-detoxes your body of all the waste that builds up over time and leads to being fatigued and sluggish 

- the fiber helps to pull all that gunk out of your digestive tract 

- the probiotic helps restore the good bacteria your gut needs to digest food properly 

- the cleanse tablets help to regulate your bowel movements and get things flowing gently and uneventful :) 

Even though on the go I've had shakes for breakfast because they are absolutely delicious! 

I got a little over excited and jumped on the scale and I'm down 3 pounds already! I know it's several inches too just waiting for day 11 to measure! Don't focus on a number though focus on how you feel and how your clothes fit! 

Lunch has been pretty much leftovers! Chicken chili on Friday! Yesterday I was with a large group and we had Mexican. I ordered the chicken fajitas with no cheese, sour cream or tortillas! They were delicious! Little too much oil but best option I had to eat! 

Today lunch was baked chicken, green beans and a few sautéed red potatoes and onions. 

For dinner I had a grilled chicken salad with strawberrys! From Wendy's it's healthy and amazing! 

Like I said I've been on the go but meal planning and prep are the key to success! Tomorrow I will make a menu for the week and plan for that week! You can be busy but if you plan a few meals it will decrease the stress in your life even more! 

My timehop to my friend yesterday! 2 years ago and still going strong! It's a way of living and life! It's not a fad diet it's just saying to the world that you can get back control of your life and that your family needs you healthy!! What have you got to lose?! 

Wise Wednesday's

Sometimes if we listen to those negative voices in the back of our mind we start to believe them.. One day and you wake up wondering what happened and then you realized the power lies within yourself! Wake up and be determined to have a good attitude. Love others. Love God. Pray daily. Seek Him. Humble yourself. And slowly things will return to normal.. Just believe that we were created to not just go through the motions of life but to live each day serving others and living each day like there is no tomorrow. Be courageous. Be bold. Have faith. You are not alone. You deserve to be happy and love the life you have been given. Want things to change? You must first change from within.. It changes your perspective! Happy Wednesday! #wisewednesday #wisdom #trust #determination #motivation #life #faith #love #attitude #emotions #freedom #Jesus #prayer 

Follow me on Instagram @sunsetgrace 

Have a blessed day!

Be a shining light. Accepting your circumstances.

Regardless of whatever happens in my life just knowing that God can be seen and an evident part of my life is my purpose. I've grown to accept that things are far beyond my control but they are in full control by my God. My God that is a all powerful and knowing at all times. He created this beautiful world we live in and sometimes it may take us falling flat on our faces to learn to really seek and trust him with all of our heart. I thank him for all the trials and circumstances I've encountered in my life.. Without them I wouldn't know Him, I would need him in my life to lift me up out of the pit of darkness! Knowing that he's saved me for eternity and my life is in his hands I'll Be still my soul and just seek him daily and trust him to teach me to build wisdom, endurance, strength, joy and love in my heart. Just to name a few. In John 17 he prays for his people and this gives us Christians the confidence that we need to go from day to day. The world may not know Him but if my life can show Jesus in anyway to others I accept and trust it will give all the glory to the Lord in the end. “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” (John 17:20-26 NIV) #trust #Jesus #faithfulness 

Down to my lowest back up to my highest.

Doing my devotion this morning I'm struck with the feelings of guilt and remorse as I look back at the past two days of my life and how I reacted to news I received from my attorney. 

A few weeks ago we attended court for a motion to disqualify the state from pursuing my case. They basically went above everyone's head on legal terms and indicted me on murder charges without given the local attorneys and sheriffs department any heads up or a chance for them to take on the case. My attorney filed a motion to have them disqualified due to their lack of following protocol. I still don't understand much legal lingo but I did understand this. I read the paper work diligently and just knew in my heart that it was powerful and felt confident in what my attorney had wrote. That same day of court we were asked to submit further paper work. 

The following week the paperwork was submitted on time and then it just became a waiting game. Waited almost 3 weeks to receive an answer. This really took a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Having dealt with depression and bipolar and then dealing with this legal stuff always sends me to a low point. At least it's low to me. It affects me regardless of how much I pray and try to stay positive. 

So I received Thursday the answer that the judge overruled our motion meaning that he did not agree with it. I was enraged. I was hurt. I was mad. I had just finished cleaning a house and missed my sons end of school program and was just a hot mess. My mind was fuzzy but I never asked God why. I didn't want to know why. I just knew how I felt in that exact moment... 

God I can't take much more of this. Lord I just want to die, just take me home and get me out of this pain. I cried out for what seemed like forever. After my episode my mind just snapped back for a second and said get with the program. I was then able to drive. I knew in my heart that I had to face this but I couldn't face it right then. I was ready to throw my hands up. I mean what's left to do I thought. 

I sent a text to my husband and a few friends and family soon after. I cried some more mainly from frustration. And my mind had a million thoughts just racing around. When my husband called me back I was snappy with him bc I didn't have any answers and didn't want to talk about it. ( For this I felt like a jerk) I shouldn't have gotten snappy with the man that stands by my side and loves me even when I'm way too much to handle. 

I had another house to clean that day but I lost all my energy and drive that day and cancelled it. I dropped my son off at his nanas like a normal Thursday. Concerned about me she said don't go home and cry all afternoon so I said I'm going to my BFF lindseys house for a while. It's the only place I have to escape to on days like this. 

I screamed and cried on my way to her house. I felt the release of anger then and that helped me just physically release how I felt. Who says you can react to your emotions. As long as it's safe and therapeutic I don't see the hurt in screaming ad crying while your alone. 

I arrived to her house welcomed by a hug and just spent the day with her andBaby  Chloe. My mind finally slowed down. It may have been around lunch time but a glass of wine never tasted so good. I took a nap and got some baby loving. Something about a newborn that just gives you peace. Such a sweet miracle from the Lord. 

Well reality came back and I had to leave. Faced with my feelings again I decided that I wanted pizza and would get a red box movie that was funny to watch that evening. My husband was working nights so I'd be alone all night. Knowing that I shouldn't get pizza and eat when I'm upset I still did it. A deep dish little ceasar pizza at that. I stuffed my face until I could barely breathe. I was so numb that I just didn't care. I brought the rest home to my husband and he looked inside and was like "Babe" and I said I know oh Well. He took the rest to work with him. Best idea of the day. 

You see when I get in stressful situations I eat. And I eat a lot. It's why my weight fluctuates so much especially this past year. Binge eating comes easy when I'm upset and numb with pain and it's a real struggle. Sadly I had just finished the Advocare 10 day cleanse and did great losing 5 pounds and are healthier than ever. Then one thing happens and I just lose it. I got so mad at myself bc it's not like I was just cheating.. I was cheating myself with food. So frustrating. Bc with this bipolar impulsive behavior is part of it and eating is part of how I deal with things. Yet it's gotten a lot better all because I'm more aware of it and God has helped me seek healthier alternatives. But for this day I just ignored it all. My mind wasn't right and I wanted to just go to sleep. So after a few laughs of a funny movie I took a long lavender bath and then took some ambien and was in bed asleep by 7pm. Yes that really happened. 

Looking back I would and should ha e handled things with more grace and more clarity. I'm so ashamed I just gave into how I felt. I let my emotions dictate my actions and luckily not many people crossed my path that day and I was alone. 

Today I've been reading proverbs a day in May and it led me to several scriptures and in my study bible some of those scriptures explained in detail. 

Being led by the spirit and not of the flesh is what determines our spiritual growth. Everything that we do we have a chance to let our light shine through the darkness. Some of my most positive post and fb statuses come from when I'm at the darkest place in my life on that day. 

Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Trusting in God with everything and believing he take care of us. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:6-9 NIV)" 

Letting God have your anxieties calls for action, not passivity. Don't submit to  your circumstances but to the Lord who controls your circumstances. 

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10 NIV)"

When we feel alone, weak, hopeless and cut off from those that love us or if we are so caught up in our troubles that we forget to watch for danger these are the times we are vulnerable to Satans attacks. We must keep our eyes on Christ and resist the devil says James then he will flee from you. 

This is a daily struggle and battle within ourselves. The enemy preys on our weaknesses. Those can be our jobs, marriages, friendships, finances, personal image, our kids etc. whatever your weak spot is is where you have to stand up higher and demand the presence of the Lord. Seek Him first and grace follows after! We live and we learn. 

In grace. 

Sometimes all you need is a Xanax and some Jesus.

Humor me a bit. We are humans and we do live in a society that frowns upon medication and would rather hide behind social media and painted on smiles in their perfectly portrayed family portraits. But let me just be real with you for a moment.. Life happens to all of us. To the degree of difficulty varies by person but I don't think in anyway is that a coincidence. It's all part of the master plan. 

I love fb and Instagram and I love staying in touch with friends and family and seeing their post. But we only post the happy moments and sometimes those moments are when we are in the most pain. 

There are things in life that happen and go farther beyond our control. You can't dwell on them though bc that's when your struggle, worry and fear become sin bc you let them control your life. 

Another thing that's frowned upon is mental illness. People avoid it like the plague. I know because I was one of those people. You said depression or anxiety and I ran like the wind. Of course I've been through hard times but I'm not sick. Ha story of my life. God did create us in his perfect image but we are not perfect nor will we ever be. Now I'm living with depression and bipolar type 2 disorder.( that's a whole other topic) 

Today is always an off day for me. Any day with court involved, legal jargon spoken or emails from my attorney always throw me off. I can pray all day and night but I know the kind of day I will have regardless. It's just a peaceful cloudy kinda day. 

Doesn't make sense does it? But does to me because all the prayers give. To me are what get me through these days. Nothing magical just the power of prayer. 

" not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, (Romans 12:11-12 NASB)"

Prayer is the best medicine that I've ever had! But reality of the entire situation is that my body trembles, my knees get weak and my heart races so hard that I can barely breathe. This is called anxiety. It really does exist and it happens before something stressful. So... There is power in some Xanax too! I say it to lighten the mood. Yes I have a prescription and yes I take it regularly. 

We are so scared to admit our faults. We are scared to say that we take medication and expect God to just take care of everything but that's not exactly how it works. He created medication to help us sometimes permanently but sometimes short term. Can we just accept the fact that life happens and happens to us! Because God loves us right where we are and continues to do so. 

Just thought I would break the ice and say that if you are battling depression, anxiety or bipolar or some other form of mental illness that you are still a child of God and he still loves you. Things just may be different for you and how you cope may be a lot different than others. 

Don't run from it anymore it just hurts you and those around you. Embrace who you are with what you have! 

For now I'll continue to pray continuously and take my Xanax as I need it! Praise the Lord for them both! He wants us to live smart! Not run around like a dog chasing its tail on the never ending emotional cycle! 

I can't imagine experiencing all I've gone through today and this past year without either! 

There is Victory in Jesus. Part 1

I sit here this morning reading my bible and drinking my coffee to just allow God to search my heart and soul. Lord know that I'm far from perfect and have made so many mistakes in my lifetime. For so long I use to say one day I'll get my life together and do things right. So many years have slipped between my finger tips. Not so much regrets but so many what ifs??

I learned this weekend at marriage conference that we can no longer allow our past to dictate our futures. I hold true to this statement and declare a victory in my life. 

Reading the book of Ephesians this morning Paul speaks with such mercy and grace while being imprisoned. Who would have thought that a man that persecuted Christians would turn out to be such a man of God and to me one of the greatest writers in the Bible. It shows me that regardless of how things turn out in life that no matter the situation nor circumstance that the Lord will use all things to work for his good according to its purpose. 

I know that today in this court room that God will have his hand upon me and my family. I pray to him that his will be Glorified and that his power be made known. These days never get easier. My heart races. My thoughts crowd my mind. My body trembles. But somewhere in the midst of it all a peace fills my body and it's like the Lord says child I'm here with you. 

Psalm 46:10 says Be still and know that I am God. It's quoted so much in the world today but until you truly understand what being still means you just can't comprehend the power in our Jesus. He's merciful and gracious. He's sitting at the right hand of God on the thrown And already knows the outcome. He's waiting for us to fully trust him. 

This morning 1peter 3:7-9 course through my mind and heart and it's these verses I cling to for hope and grace. 

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-9 NIV)"

Though I have not seen, I know In my heart. I pray that later today I can write to you about my victory in Jesus and show you truly the power of prayer. 

A broken identity. Be still my soul part 5.

The weeks following the life shattering news of being accused of the death of my patient that day lingered on like a cloud going across the sun. Instantly grief filled my soul and the loss of what I thought was my identity. 

By identity I speak of what we define ourselves by. For many it's by their jobs, hobbys or whether they are a wife or mother. For me I defined my life and purpose as being a nurse. I thought that my calling in life was to help others and by doing so I was called to be a nurse. I loved what I did. I loved the science of nursing. I loved the aspect of helping someone get better or even more saving that persons life. These things I identified with. It's what I got my degree in college to do with my life. I just knew that I would always have a job and always have an opportunity to help someone in some way. All this just one day SHATTERED! 

My identity was home to the icu. Otherwise known as critical care or intensive care unit. It's where the sickest of patients came to get the most intensive immediate treatment, procedures and medications. My heart was in this field of nursing. The adrenaline rush of saving a persons life during an emergency made me function to the highest capacity my mind allowed. There is just no other feeling like being a nurse. I truly loved my job and career. 

So there are a few parts to the grieving process. In the beginning I was in denial.. Like this can't be happening. God why me? I couldn't believe that in a matter of 24 hours my life as a nurse would no longer be.. Much less be the same ever again. My life for the past 7-8 years was that consisting of nursing. I had no idea what else I would do. What if I'm just in a bad dream? Maybe they just have made a mistake. 

The answer to those questions was no. 

And then there was Anger. This didn't really last that long honestly. I was never mad at God. I was mad at myself. I was angry that the one time I didn't chart acceptionally and detailed was the time my own life depended on it. I was angry and hurt that all of this surfaced because of another mans actual anger and revenge from the loss of his own job. I was angry that of all people to be accused of such a tragedy it was me. I was the nurse that wanted things done right! I fought for my co workers to be treated fairly and for our patients to be cared for. But anger didn't lay prevalent in my life long. God replaced that anger with some crazy joy that I found while being home with my little boy. Which led to bargaining. 

I told God that if he would just make this go away that I would do better. I'd live a better life. I'd be a better mom. A better wife. A better child of God. I promised God all of these things in hopes that he would just help make this nightmare go away. I bargained with him daily and for months. I pleaded. I cried. I prayed. But I know that he heard my pleas and my cries. He whispered in my ear many times "child of mine it's not your time yet. Just be patient sweet child". I heard I

His voice so many times in the midst of my crying and anguish. He calmed me in the storms as the court dates came and left with yet again no deliverance. Many a times I turned to this scripture and it brought peace that surpasses any understanding you can ever imagine.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8 NIV

This scripture lies so dear to my heart. It got me through and still gets me through some really tough times. Which leads now to acceptance. A year and 2 months later I've learned to accept the things in life that we cannot change. For that are just a mere season of life and where we are is by no accident because our Lord has our side. Crazy to think that as a Christian everything that goes on in our life has to go through the Lord first and he has to give permission for those circumstances to come your way. So when they say the Lord won't place on you anymore than you can handle this is what that means. He knows your future as a child of God is with him and he knows that your future is secure with Him. By stopping to accept where you are in life it truly defines just how powerful and gracious our Father is to us. He loves us so much and though he may not understand the pain and things of life we have endured his Son Jesus Christ does. 

I say this all to just help you understand how I've grown to accept and embrace my circumstances. My circumstances, my past, my depression nor my battle with an eating disorder do not define me. My career as a nurse no longer defines me. My identity has changed. It's been around for a long time but it's now the only identity that I want to define me. I am a child of God. A sister in Christ and a woman that loves God with all my heart and he comes first in my life. I'm a wife and a mother with a calling in life to love and serve others. It just looks differently now. As each day passes I lift up my head no matter how I feel and I will praise Jesus in the storm. Until the storm passes I'll continue to walk in sunshine and let my God love me where I am. 

In Christ and God bless. 

My time with God is always changing.

I've always had In my mind that time with God has to be done elaborate study session with all peace and quiet first thing in the mornings and if I don't get that done then I'm just a failure for the day and disappointed in myself.. Well that WAS my mentality id say. Because... 

Now my time with God is continuous. It consist of doing my devotion and reading my bible during whenever I get enough time to concentrate during the day. Most of the time it's in the morning after I get going and usually it's with my son in my lap watching Mickey Mouse and I'm either reading a devotion on my bible app or actually reading through my tangible bible using my The color method Pens to study scripture. 

I was doing just as described this morning. I drank my spark and stretched my arms. By the time I looked at the clock it was 7am so I knew if I didn't sit down to get my time in that I would get sidetracked. So in my chair, Brantley in my lap and I was reading in the book of Acts. I have finally realized that if I go to the bible with a humbled childlike spirit of faith that I can really read it as a story and understand it. 

I use to try to read the bible and just read fast to say I read for the day but now I long to read and learn. It's not always easy to do just this because my ADD mind gets so distracted if I lose my focus. 

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy quiet time and some mornings I'm able to get up before B awakes and have personal time with the Lord. But I quit setting my expectations so high because when I wouldn't reach them I would get discouraged. God does not want us to be discouraged. Definitely not while trying to honor and please him. He wants us to keep it simple. And so that leads to PRAYER! 

Prayers are heard when you immediately start praying. Whether you are in a closet, on your knees, cooking dinner, driving or just piddling around during the day. They don't have to be elaborate or fancy or in any certain voice! Thanks to Joyce Meter for teaching me this and helping me see the power in just praying! 

The bible says to pray without ceasing and to pray continuously.. 1 Thess 5:18

This is how I approach my prayer life now. I pray all day anytime and anywhere! I pray a lot in my car to start my day. Sometimes it's a long prayer and sometimes it's just to thank God for what he's doing in my life. I say this to say that praying is how we communicate and talk with God! Just treat Him like your family or friend and speak to him. When you think about something specific or someone, stop and pray for them. Don't say you will do it later because more than likely you will forget. 

My biggest peeve which I am guilty of is saying I'm praying for you to someone needing or asking for prayers. We can get into the habit of saying this but without action. So when I say this to someone whether through, text, fb or in person I will try my best to say a prayer for them right then! The last thing I wang to be is a sayer and not a doer! 

Hope this helps you on your path to growing spiritually as this writing is helping me learn and grow with my relationship with Jesus. We are all striving for the same thing. His Grace and his mercy. It can only be found through his Word and by prayer. 

God bless. ❤️

The struggle is real. Binge eating and starving is no way to deal.

I have posted things on fb but I feel like this could relate to so many others! This is real life! Obstacles make us who we are today! God allows trials in our life to turn us closer to him!

Repost from journaling last summer. So its just been updated.

Transparency.... Wow this going to be hard!
1 : something transparent ; especially : a picture (as on film) viewed by light shining through it or by projection 2 : the quality or state of being transparent

This post is by far hard for me to do. I will not tolerate any negative comments so if u have them keep them to yourself!

My life has been turned upside down this year. Many of you know my personal story but many of you don't know my inner struggle. My entire life I have battled an eating disorder and had the biggest desire to just fit in. My mother died of a heart attack at 37 from obesity and my dad was 49 and died of heart attack bc he was an alcoholic. I chose to be a registered nurse to help save lives and keep people from making those same mistakes and losing their life. After my mom died I started not eating. I was always the fat kid in school and the year she died in 2000 I lost 60 pounds in 3 months by starving myself. I battled for years with an eating disorder. Secretly I battled something called binge eating. But for the past few years I have learned to be healthier and the past year since Advocare in my life I finally grasped the concept of consistency and health and wellness. Saying that... Well we are human. After some life changing events earlier this year the Devil took hold of my weakness and in 2 months what I had worked so hard to get to and achieve was lost and I found myself in a deep dark hole. Apparently I do well at hiding this. I found myself binge eating in secrecy and the biggest trail of guilt followed. I knew I was gaining weight. Stress had me a a hault. Emotionally hurt mentally tired and in a state if depression I hid. I fought it. I honestly did. I tried attempted several cleanses and challenges. Nothing. I was mentally not focused. It was not until over 4 almost 5 6 months ago I came to the conclusion that if this didn't change ASAP I was headed in a bad place. I admitted to my husband my weakness and the truth. Not easy. This was where my journey of learning to fully trust in The Lord to guide and direct my path bc I no longer could control my life. Binging was my way of feeling in control. But instead I was losing control.

It's been almost 6 months now that I've committed and surrendered to change. Not only for myself but for my family and 2 year old little boy that is my world. I completed the cleanse with great results! I fit back into my shorts by success school! That was big to me! So this is my transparent moment! With the encouragement of my husband and wonderful friends I declare myself free from the secret any longer.
The above picture was me in may at my leaders and friends Diamond ceremony back in May 2014. I was disgusted with myself, binge eating in secrecy and depressed from life circumstances and tried to stay away from the camera. The picture below was taking today and at SS two weeks ago! This is the real me! 5-6 days a week of hard core workouts, eating clean and learning to be happy in my body that God gave me! With the help of #advocare products and consistency and determination my life has turned around. God has blessed me so much not only with my amazing business and the chance to impact hundred of lives but that being honest, humble, transparent and full of integrity is what true life is about! We can't control our life but we are the variable to a solution and can choose to make a Change. 

Why am I posting this? Because everyone needed to know the truth! I help people on a daily basis and I truly love what I do! But we are human! My body was triggered by stress and this is reality! I did not fail! I picked myself up and took action! God has brought me too far to let anything tear me apart! Don't for one second ever think you are not worthy to be different! YOU have the power to change the world! But the change starts within YOU! I could have stayed depressed and angry but a wise man once said "depression cannot be planted in a great full persons heart!" Andy Andrews . Never spoken so true! Pick yourself up! Dust yourself off and become more! I have a ways to go but I'm getting closer each day!! We were born to be CHAMPIONS!! I am a Champion! They say transparency can change the world! Just imagine what would happen if everyone owned up to themselves and dared to succeed!

Fast forward to where I am now. Breaking through depression and life with exercise and a healthy lifestyle! No more secrets just living life one day at a time and slow progress is good progress to me. Going from a size 18 in 2013 to a size 10 healthy and leaner than I have ever been in my life. Its easier for me to turn to food as comfort but I know that only leads to a disaster and more weight gain. My main battle is stress and the weight gain from stress is a very real situation. I will continue to overcome it with clean eating, Versus and running. Im not where I was but I am definitely not where I use to be and for that im truly thankful. God created me in his image and my responsibility is to love my body and take care of it. So my main goal is to be HEALTHY! Not to focus on the scale or numbers. Even though they do get me excited. Fitting into all my clothes again in my closet has never felt so good. I don't need to go shopping because I have brand new clothes in my closet I have waited to wear for over a year!!! YAY.

 

 

The above picture is me 20 pounds lighter this past weekend at a 5k race with some friends.  The picture to the right is me 2 years ago at a 5k race wearing the same tank top and 25 pounds heavier. Granted I still carried baby weight but it was no excuse. It was just a few months later that I discovered and was introduced to Advocare. It is no miracle diet but simply just a jump start to a cleaner lifestyle while be fueled by some world class nutrition that is safe and absolutely amazing. No more starving myself or binge eating at night when everyone goes to bed. Its forever changed my outlook with food and nutrition. Along with Versus AT and our outside bootcamp style workouts! KILLER!!

With some strong faith and hope in Jesus he has provided such blessings in my life!

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:10-13 NIV)"

This too is just another part of my bipolar mind and all the changes and actions that come with living with this illness. Its definitely contributed to my weight gain and mood changes along the way. But the ultimate decisions fall in my hands.