Double minded. Random thoughts of a manic depressive.

It's taken me a lot of courage to speak out about living life with bi polar. Scared of what people may think and how people will see me afterwards. But how can I bring awareness to mental health by living in a bubble. 

Living in the funk is what I call it. There really is no balance. Life can change in a matter of seconds and your happy cheerful mood is replaced with feeling blah and blue. There is a pretty consistent pattern of highs and lows yet sometimes you are plagued with an Intolerable amount of negative emotions. 

Here I am now. Faced with the dark cloud. It's come over me like a thunderstorm on a summer day. It was just sunshine and blue skies outside. Why must I feel this way? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't get a grip. Sinking further and further down. It's days like these that I wish I could stay in bed. But instead I have to put on my happy face and get out in the world. Days like the past few days where I don't know who I am. I feel yuck. Struggling. To hold my eyes open bc the negative emotion drains me and I feel exhausted mentally. 

I drag myself up and down outta bed every night to comfort crying babies. Lord are you sure this is the life for me I ask? I tear up from all the screaming.. Crying babies overwhelm my mind. But I stay strong and comfort them back to sleep. One at a time. Then comes morning.. 

Another day.. Another day to come where I drag myself out of bed. Lacking the energy and motivation I need to get up. I'm seriously wishing I could just wrap myself in a bubble right now. But I'm a mom, a wife and advocate for life. I must get up and put on my happy face. If only I could find my happy place in life again. I know this won't last long. But it seems like forever. I. Can't. Even. Think. Straight. 

You see bipolar type 2 is known for its depressive state. The highs and lows fluctuate even being on medication it still fluctuates. Things would be alot worse if I wasn't on meds you see. Most of the time when we here bipolar with think of a crazy person going off the deep end. A person of mood shifts and angry outburst, tons of relationships and impulsive spending. This however describes the manic part of bipolar. We don't hear a lot of the depression associated with being diagnosed with such disorder. But for me the depression is what I'm hit hard with. It happens for NO REASON! Coming every couple of weeks. The battle is real and without warning..

Life suffers when I am faced with this episode. That's what it is an episode. It is short lived but heavily onset. Going from highly motivated to sluggish and slow to role all within a matter of minutes. 

How to deal? I pray a lot and talk to the Lord. I get my strength from Him to endure the challenging times ahead. I rely on my devotions to uplift me. I surround myself with positive motivated people. I lean on close friends to speak life to me. I'm not very verbal about it but those that are around me know when this strikes. I let things go that I'm normally on top of. Laundry piles up. My house is a hot mess..(well hot mess for normal) I don't wash my hair for days and I avoid mirrors at all cost. The struggle with losing baby weight is high on my radar so it's a big disaster some days. I just wake up each day with a decision to over come the what seems like impossible state of mind. I exercise daily and always start out dreading it but leave feeling accomplished. My diet has a lot to do with the severity of my depression too. If I eat high fat, carb overload and unhealthy stuff I feel weighed down. But if my diet is wholesome my mood is elevated some. I try to get good sleep at night but with the twins that's near impossible since moving them to their beds. I choose to recognize and cope. I deal with the emotions running through my mind. Some days I recluse to my house. I'm quiet to talk and you may not hear from me for days. I tune out life. 

It's a battle. But it's not what defines me. I'm only human and sometimes life is just messed up. We are dealt the cards but how we choose live regardless of obstacles says a lot about our inner integrity and character. 

For now I drink my spark and  get dressed for the day to come! It's Wednesday and today is spin! I have folks counting on me to motivate! It keeps me going! 

Here's to random thoughts and living a double minded kinda life. I wonder how many others struggle with this bc it's frowned upon in society to even discuss it out loud. 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness. That's a lot of people! Becoming aware of our emotions and not being controlled by them is what we can do to be different! Being supportive to one another and realizing that sometimes just having an understanding ear is all that person needs. 

For now I'll continue fighting the lowest of lows and striving to make it to the top of the mountain! Today I'll be me! The best version of me I can be. 

I want my sunshine back.

This week has definitely been a rollercoaster of a ride. There are weeks I can function just as a normal human being, then there are weeks that my moods shift like the weather changes. I'll wake up happy and wind up feeling lower than a dark pit. I have come to grips that living with this Biploar disorder and distinguishing Satan and his tactics are very trying and hard sometimes. But knowing that I do clinically have issues definitely can ease some days that I just can't seem to shake the blah feeling. The enemy's main goal is to seek and destroy us and he preys on our weaknesses. 

Well he definitely knows mine and when I'm pushing forward and moving in Gods will for my life is when he REALLY tries his best to make my life miserable. I know that the Lord is using all of this legal stuff to work for Good according to his purpose and the Devil quite frankly doesn't like it. I believe in my heart that blessings have come from these circumstances. 

This week has simply been a waiting game regarding my case again. It's me vs the state of Mississippi and if you are reading this and have no idea what's going on please read my earlier posts. 

This blog is simply my journey through life during a very hard time. Being transparent, dealing with weight gain, being healthy, diagnosed with a mental illness thanks to my genetics and trying to love and serve the Lord with all my heart while searching for him daily. 

This week I was hoping to have an answer regarding my case but instead I'm being taught Patience and good time. I believe that this battle has been fought and it has already been figured out and dealt with by God. We can't see in the future but we have to trust in our heart that with faith God will provide and take care of us. We can't see faith but we can see the works of faith by evidence of others around us. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says we walk by faith; not by sight. So much easier said than done bc we want to have that instant gratification of answers in our life. 

But as we grow and mature as Christians we see this verse much much more for what it is. We have to pray daily and say out loud "I trust you Lord! I Trust you" the more we say and more we declare to believe the easier it is to live by Faith. 

All that being said I'm trusting that in good time. His time. I will get the answer from the judge. I trust that the answer will glorify the Lord and show his faithfulness. 

Have a blessed weekend. 

Sometimes all you need is a Xanax and some Jesus.

Humor me a bit. We are humans and we do live in a society that frowns upon medication and would rather hide behind social media and painted on smiles in their perfectly portrayed family portraits. But let me just be real with you for a moment.. Life happens to all of us. To the degree of difficulty varies by person but I don't think in anyway is that a coincidence. It's all part of the master plan. 

I love fb and Instagram and I love staying in touch with friends and family and seeing their post. But we only post the happy moments and sometimes those moments are when we are in the most pain. 

There are things in life that happen and go farther beyond our control. You can't dwell on them though bc that's when your struggle, worry and fear become sin bc you let them control your life. 

Another thing that's frowned upon is mental illness. People avoid it like the plague. I know because I was one of those people. You said depression or anxiety and I ran like the wind. Of course I've been through hard times but I'm not sick. Ha story of my life. God did create us in his perfect image but we are not perfect nor will we ever be. Now I'm living with depression and bipolar type 2 disorder.( that's a whole other topic) 

Today is always an off day for me. Any day with court involved, legal jargon spoken or emails from my attorney always throw me off. I can pray all day and night but I know the kind of day I will have regardless. It's just a peaceful cloudy kinda day. 

Doesn't make sense does it? But does to me because all the prayers give. To me are what get me through these days. Nothing magical just the power of prayer. 

" not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, (Romans 12:11-12 NASB)"

Prayer is the best medicine that I've ever had! But reality of the entire situation is that my body trembles, my knees get weak and my heart races so hard that I can barely breathe. This is called anxiety. It really does exist and it happens before something stressful. So... There is power in some Xanax too! I say it to lighten the mood. Yes I have a prescription and yes I take it regularly. 

We are so scared to admit our faults. We are scared to say that we take medication and expect God to just take care of everything but that's not exactly how it works. He created medication to help us sometimes permanently but sometimes short term. Can we just accept the fact that life happens and happens to us! Because God loves us right where we are and continues to do so. 

Just thought I would break the ice and say that if you are battling depression, anxiety or bipolar or some other form of mental illness that you are still a child of God and he still loves you. Things just may be different for you and how you cope may be a lot different than others. 

Don't run from it anymore it just hurts you and those around you. Embrace who you are with what you have! 

For now I'll continue to pray continuously and take my Xanax as I need it! Praise the Lord for them both! He wants us to live smart! Not run around like a dog chasing its tail on the never ending emotional cycle! 

I can't imagine experiencing all I've gone through today and this past year without either! 

Running a race with my mind.

The Monday of Feb 24th 2014 I had previously gone to the dr that morning because I just didn't feel like myself. I felt off. I was feeling down and at the moment didn't have the reason to feel the way I did. My marriage was going through another rough patch but I just thought it was me or something... My dr mentioned a mood disorder bc he had been seeing me a while now and noticed a pattern of symptoms i verbalized and struggled with... Bipolar?? Ha I just blew that off. IMPOSSIBLE!!

7-8 months later after numerous and sometimes weekly christian counseling sessions to just help keep my sanity I was bombarded with the idea of my reactions and moods being somewhat predictable and more noticeable. Being a child of a bipolar, depressed mother and having a brother who was bi polar I knew that what I was hearing was probably true but I seriously just wanted to run the other direction. I'm 29 years old. I'm a mother and a wife. Now I'm crazy I thought. I agreed to go see a dr that specializes with this and regardless of how much it cost I knew God would provide a way. 

All the feelings of what I feared came rushing in. I questioned my husband, best friend, mother in law, and another close friend. They all confirmed noticeable moods and periods of time where im up and down. I needed help. God will get me through this. I'll see the dr and try some medicine and go from there. I was terrified. Mental illness defined my mother and I refused to let it define me. 

On top of everything I had going on in my life I felt like I was falling apart. One day Id have all the energy in the world and the next day I could cry and just want to sleep. Once I realized what I was diagnosed with I started paying more attention. Wow at how this has impacted my life. Looking back I now see why I made some of the choices in my life. The times when life was best I was going through the "hypomanic" phase. Working out everyday, enjoying work, staying busy and productive. I had energy and did all the things I had wanted to accomplish. There was a dark side to this manic phase I now see so clear. My mid twenties the choices I made dating and with men were impulsive and random. I spent money and maxed out my credit cards. I would call in to work if I didn't feel like going and so on. I see that now and understand why I jumped around always looking for happiness and satisfaction. 

The dark side... The depression. The haunted memories of the nightmare I was living in. The childhood memories and nightmares of my mom dying in my arms. All these hit deep and periods of time I was so down all I could do was sleep. 

That was then. The now is that im a wife and mother and you can't just sleep bc your sad. When the darkness comes it comes with a vicious thorn. A dark cloud that tries to steal the joy in my life that God is placing in my life. Still no matter what I do I just can't snap out of it.. These moments suck. They drain my energy and I feel so worthless. I feel during these times I fail as a mom. That im so distracted that I miss all the good moments.. 

5 months later taking medicine regularly im happy to say that I've found a balance. It's not easy and daily it's a struggle. But with God I can function and through medication and consistent council I feel stronger emotionally. I feel that the distractions of impulse and sadness have minimized. 

I no longer look at myself as crazy but as a woman with obstacles in life and living with bipolar disorder. There is nothing I can do about it. This is just another sped bump in my life page and it to will pass. The Lord is my strength and refuge. I take confort in this. I'm a hot mess most days but I can get control and live as normal as possible. I eat healthy regularly and exercise 4-6 days a week. This helps so much! 

The struggle is real. Binge eating and starving is no way to deal.

I have posted things on fb but I feel like this could relate to so many others! This is real life! Obstacles make us who we are today! God allows trials in our life to turn us closer to him!

Repost from journaling last summer. So its just been updated.

Transparency.... Wow this going to be hard!
1 : something transparent ; especially : a picture (as on film) viewed by light shining through it or by projection 2 : the quality or state of being transparent

This post is by far hard for me to do. I will not tolerate any negative comments so if u have them keep them to yourself!

My life has been turned upside down this year. Many of you know my personal story but many of you don't know my inner struggle. My entire life I have battled an eating disorder and had the biggest desire to just fit in. My mother died of a heart attack at 37 from obesity and my dad was 49 and died of heart attack bc he was an alcoholic. I chose to be a registered nurse to help save lives and keep people from making those same mistakes and losing their life. After my mom died I started not eating. I was always the fat kid in school and the year she died in 2000 I lost 60 pounds in 3 months by starving myself. I battled for years with an eating disorder. Secretly I battled something called binge eating. But for the past few years I have learned to be healthier and the past year since Advocare in my life I finally grasped the concept of consistency and health and wellness. Saying that... Well we are human. After some life changing events earlier this year the Devil took hold of my weakness and in 2 months what I had worked so hard to get to and achieve was lost and I found myself in a deep dark hole. Apparently I do well at hiding this. I found myself binge eating in secrecy and the biggest trail of guilt followed. I knew I was gaining weight. Stress had me a a hault. Emotionally hurt mentally tired and in a state if depression I hid. I fought it. I honestly did. I tried attempted several cleanses and challenges. Nothing. I was mentally not focused. It was not until over 4 almost 5 6 months ago I came to the conclusion that if this didn't change ASAP I was headed in a bad place. I admitted to my husband my weakness and the truth. Not easy. This was where my journey of learning to fully trust in The Lord to guide and direct my path bc I no longer could control my life. Binging was my way of feeling in control. But instead I was losing control.

It's been almost 6 months now that I've committed and surrendered to change. Not only for myself but for my family and 2 year old little boy that is my world. I completed the cleanse with great results! I fit back into my shorts by success school! That was big to me! So this is my transparent moment! With the encouragement of my husband and wonderful friends I declare myself free from the secret any longer.
The above picture was me in may at my leaders and friends Diamond ceremony back in May 2014. I was disgusted with myself, binge eating in secrecy and depressed from life circumstances and tried to stay away from the camera. The picture below was taking today and at SS two weeks ago! This is the real me! 5-6 days a week of hard core workouts, eating clean and learning to be happy in my body that God gave me! With the help of #advocare products and consistency and determination my life has turned around. God has blessed me so much not only with my amazing business and the chance to impact hundred of lives but that being honest, humble, transparent and full of integrity is what true life is about! We can't control our life but we are the variable to a solution and can choose to make a Change. 

Why am I posting this? Because everyone needed to know the truth! I help people on a daily basis and I truly love what I do! But we are human! My body was triggered by stress and this is reality! I did not fail! I picked myself up and took action! God has brought me too far to let anything tear me apart! Don't for one second ever think you are not worthy to be different! YOU have the power to change the world! But the change starts within YOU! I could have stayed depressed and angry but a wise man once said "depression cannot be planted in a great full persons heart!" Andy Andrews . Never spoken so true! Pick yourself up! Dust yourself off and become more! I have a ways to go but I'm getting closer each day!! We were born to be CHAMPIONS!! I am a Champion! They say transparency can change the world! Just imagine what would happen if everyone owned up to themselves and dared to succeed!

Fast forward to where I am now. Breaking through depression and life with exercise and a healthy lifestyle! No more secrets just living life one day at a time and slow progress is good progress to me. Going from a size 18 in 2013 to a size 10 healthy and leaner than I have ever been in my life. Its easier for me to turn to food as comfort but I know that only leads to a disaster and more weight gain. My main battle is stress and the weight gain from stress is a very real situation. I will continue to overcome it with clean eating, Versus and running. Im not where I was but I am definitely not where I use to be and for that im truly thankful. God created me in his image and my responsibility is to love my body and take care of it. So my main goal is to be HEALTHY! Not to focus on the scale or numbers. Even though they do get me excited. Fitting into all my clothes again in my closet has never felt so good. I don't need to go shopping because I have brand new clothes in my closet I have waited to wear for over a year!!! YAY.

 

 

The above picture is me 20 pounds lighter this past weekend at a 5k race with some friends.  The picture to the right is me 2 years ago at a 5k race wearing the same tank top and 25 pounds heavier. Granted I still carried baby weight but it was no excuse. It was just a few months later that I discovered and was introduced to Advocare. It is no miracle diet but simply just a jump start to a cleaner lifestyle while be fueled by some world class nutrition that is safe and absolutely amazing. No more starving myself or binge eating at night when everyone goes to bed. Its forever changed my outlook with food and nutrition. Along with Versus AT and our outside bootcamp style workouts! KILLER!!

With some strong faith and hope in Jesus he has provided such blessings in my life!

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:10-13 NIV)"

This too is just another part of my bipolar mind and all the changes and actions that come with living with this illness. Its definitely contributed to my weight gain and mood changes along the way. But the ultimate decisions fall in my hands.