Childlike Faith

This week has been a definite eye opener for me.. I haven't helped with VBS since I was in high school and it's been such a blessing in my life this week. It's brought back that childlike faith that I tend to forget about. We have 3 girls wanting to know more about the Lord and I pray that God leads them straight to him. To be such young ages and in 5th grade there minds are so curious and just hungry for more of what God has to offer them. Studying the book of Daniel we are remembering and learning that Daniel made decisions to be different and that he wanted to Glorify God in all that he did and by doing so the Lord protected him and his friends from a fire pit and Lions den.. How awesome is our God that when we trust him fully that he will be our strength and shield during the good times and the hard times. How amazing that it only takes one Seed of Faith to Trust him and follow him. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says For we walk by faith not by sight. These young girls are learning that it takes trusting in what they cannot see and fully giving there own trust to a much higher power. I never went to bible school as a kid and surely wish I had had the opportunity because what a difference one week can do for us focusing souly on God to set us up for success in securing our relationship with Him. Praying that He will continue working in there hearts and give us the strength and words to give them during this week. What a blessing it's been to share the Word of God with these girls! We have had a great Leader too. Looking forward to the next two days. I think it's helped me grow just as well. Simply amazing! 🙏🏻😊❤️ #Jesus #learning #childlikefaith #faith #trust #God #salvation 

In Jesus Name, 

A Healthy Hot mess. Thrive Blog post for may

We all hear stories and some of us have even experienced the part of life and being a mother where we let go of ourselves and get so overwhelmed that everyone else is dressed nice, house is clean, laundry done but you glance in the mirror and WHOA... Can I climb back in bed already?! I mean look at me!! I'm just a simple hot mess right here. Is this you? Because I'm guilty for sure. Way too many times.

But God tells us to be productive, not busy. He wants us to be fruitful not running in circles all the time and just letting ourselves go. I read an article a little while back that talked about how perceiving being healthy because God wants us to be healthy and vibrant. It explained some very personal things dealing with self image, weight gain and the stress of our own image. It was then that my perception of being a mom changed. I wanted to be healthy for Him and to have my actions glorify Him not for my own personal gain but to know that I'm taking care of myself because I have others depending on me. 

I've battled weight my whole life. My life this past year was turned upside down so stress and emotional eating.. Well you see where I'm going. It didn't turn out good. Not with me, how I felt or looked for sure. I have had many pivotal moments over the course of the past year but taking back control of my health and wellness for the sake of my family and my own personal sanity is definitely paying off. For too long I let my circumstances and life's messes just take control and before I knew it I had gained 20 lbs. in 4 months. 4!! I had to make a change. I was not happy and I just couldn't enjoy things the way I use to. I looked a hot mess because I couldn't fit into ANYTHING!!! So in Sept 2014 I joined a boot camp class called VERSUS. Its been my best yes and I am not looking back.

I take 3 days a week for an hour each evening to workout outside with a bootcamp group and its by far the best decision I've made that's had a positive impact on being a better mom and better wife. It relieves stress and has helped me get back into old clothes again. I am down 23 pounds and 2 pant sizes since December. YAY!!!  

I say all this to say that you too can take back control over your life with just some intentional effort! You deserve it! Aside from busy schedules and running around taking care of everyone you should start by taking care of yourself. It makes God happy and end the end if mommy is happy it reflects a happy home because your feeling of self worth and confidence come back! Had I not made the decision to jumpstart my life back to that of a healthy mom I would still be that depressed mom with no energy and excuses for days for not doing the things I once enjoyed.

My name is April Grissom. I am a wife and I have an amazing, blue eyed little boy that is 3 years old. I am a nurse, a housekeeper, a health and wellness coach with Advocare, new to writing and blogging and I have a love and passion for running and working out. My purpose in life is to serve and help others. I live in South Mississippi. I love God with all my heart. The past year may be the hardest in my life but its by far been the best spiritual growth I have ever experienced and I'm now closer to the Lord than ever before. God is so good. Even with life's messes. I have a story to tell and this is just the beginning of my journey.

I want my sunshine back.

This week has definitely been a rollercoaster of a ride. There are weeks I can function just as a normal human being, then there are weeks that my moods shift like the weather changes. I'll wake up happy and wind up feeling lower than a dark pit. I have come to grips that living with this Biploar disorder and distinguishing Satan and his tactics are very trying and hard sometimes. But knowing that I do clinically have issues definitely can ease some days that I just can't seem to shake the blah feeling. The enemy's main goal is to seek and destroy us and he preys on our weaknesses. 

Well he definitely knows mine and when I'm pushing forward and moving in Gods will for my life is when he REALLY tries his best to make my life miserable. I know that the Lord is using all of this legal stuff to work for Good according to his purpose and the Devil quite frankly doesn't like it. I believe in my heart that blessings have come from these circumstances. 

This week has simply been a waiting game regarding my case again. It's me vs the state of Mississippi and if you are reading this and have no idea what's going on please read my earlier posts. 

This blog is simply my journey through life during a very hard time. Being transparent, dealing with weight gain, being healthy, diagnosed with a mental illness thanks to my genetics and trying to love and serve the Lord with all my heart while searching for him daily. 

This week I was hoping to have an answer regarding my case but instead I'm being taught Patience and good time. I believe that this battle has been fought and it has already been figured out and dealt with by God. We can't see in the future but we have to trust in our heart that with faith God will provide and take care of us. We can't see faith but we can see the works of faith by evidence of others around us. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says we walk by faith; not by sight. So much easier said than done bc we want to have that instant gratification of answers in our life. 

But as we grow and mature as Christians we see this verse much much more for what it is. We have to pray daily and say out loud "I trust you Lord! I Trust you" the more we say and more we declare to believe the easier it is to live by Faith. 

All that being said I'm trusting that in good time. His time. I will get the answer from the judge. I trust that the answer will glorify the Lord and show his faithfulness. 

Have a blessed weekend. 

My time with God is always changing.

I've always had In my mind that time with God has to be done elaborate study session with all peace and quiet first thing in the mornings and if I don't get that done then I'm just a failure for the day and disappointed in myself.. Well that WAS my mentality id say. Because... 

Now my time with God is continuous. It consist of doing my devotion and reading my bible during whenever I get enough time to concentrate during the day. Most of the time it's in the morning after I get going and usually it's with my son in my lap watching Mickey Mouse and I'm either reading a devotion on my bible app or actually reading through my tangible bible using my The color method Pens to study scripture. 

I was doing just as described this morning. I drank my spark and stretched my arms. By the time I looked at the clock it was 7am so I knew if I didn't sit down to get my time in that I would get sidetracked. So in my chair, Brantley in my lap and I was reading in the book of Acts. I have finally realized that if I go to the bible with a humbled childlike spirit of faith that I can really read it as a story and understand it. 

I use to try to read the bible and just read fast to say I read for the day but now I long to read and learn. It's not always easy to do just this because my ADD mind gets so distracted if I lose my focus. 

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy quiet time and some mornings I'm able to get up before B awakes and have personal time with the Lord. But I quit setting my expectations so high because when I wouldn't reach them I would get discouraged. God does not want us to be discouraged. Definitely not while trying to honor and please him. He wants us to keep it simple. And so that leads to PRAYER! 

Prayers are heard when you immediately start praying. Whether you are in a closet, on your knees, cooking dinner, driving or just piddling around during the day. They don't have to be elaborate or fancy or in any certain voice! Thanks to Joyce Meter for teaching me this and helping me see the power in just praying! 

The bible says to pray without ceasing and to pray continuously.. 1 Thess 5:18

This is how I approach my prayer life now. I pray all day anytime and anywhere! I pray a lot in my car to start my day. Sometimes it's a long prayer and sometimes it's just to thank God for what he's doing in my life. I say this to say that praying is how we communicate and talk with God! Just treat Him like your family or friend and speak to him. When you think about something specific or someone, stop and pray for them. Don't say you will do it later because more than likely you will forget. 

My biggest peeve which I am guilty of is saying I'm praying for you to someone needing or asking for prayers. We can get into the habit of saying this but without action. So when I say this to someone whether through, text, fb or in person I will try my best to say a prayer for them right then! The last thing I wang to be is a sayer and not a doer! 

Hope this helps you on your path to growing spiritually as this writing is helping me learn and grow with my relationship with Jesus. We are all striving for the same thing. His Grace and his mercy. It can only be found through his Word and by prayer. 

God bless. ❤️

Breaking free from these chains. A war with Depression.

Its a Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday and I sit here reading and keeping my mind busy while my sweet boy takes a nap. Its been a very rocky, rough, jagged, crooked week. The kind of week that makes me want to run and hide and never come back. Nothing selfish or anything like that but simply just the reality of what my mind and body are going through and have been going through this past year, and for the course of my entire year. We sang this song at church Sunday and tears just welled up in my eyes and my heart trembled during during the entire song. Its by Mercy Me and called God with US.

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That's worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release from the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing

[Chorus]
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid
These chains are gone
Emmanuel God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

You can download it on iTunes or listen to it on Pandora. It plays often on K Love radio which is what I tune into everyday because I believe that its very important about what we feed our minds. Every now and again I listen to another local radio station to just hear some beats or catch a running jam. Anyhoo... where was I? Yes this week. 

Im 6 days away from court again. Court being a hearing with a new judge in the county and regarding motions my attorney filed to get the state disqualified and off of my case. I still don't understand all of the legal jargon nor have I attempted to much understand it because I didn't go to school to be a lawyer I got a degree in nursing and that's where my knowledge will always be. That's just how I feel about that.

For months now I have suffered from aches and pains really in my neck and shoulders, unexplained weakness in my muscles and tingling in my feet.  I went to the chiropractor because I longed so much to feel better and get back to normal. Well its been a few months of regular visits and im doing great in his eyes but the pain and misery are still there. He suggested I go see a dr because clinically his work is benefiting me according to my muscles and neck and alignment, per say. Well I didn't bother telling him that the stress in my life is contributing to life altering circumstances and that I had a nervous breakdown on the way to his office that Monday morning. No I just kept it all in and told him that I think stress is just to blame for all my muscle tension. I agreed to go to the dr. Matter of fact I had decided that once I leave his office im going to my NP office friend and seeing if she can help me figure out why I hurt so bad and can barely function in the mornings and hold my head up. During the initial visit with the nurse she probably thinks I'm nuts. Crying. Explaining my pain, heart racing, anxiety etc. She said sounds like depression... Well no duh Sherlock I've known I've been dealing with that for months now.. Years actually.. But to me that was just emotional stuff.. More of a mental type situation. Not physical.. My vital signs were perfect of course. They are just gonna think I'm losing my mind I thought. The nurse left and I cried again. Lord please help me. 

A few minutes later my friend comes in. Such a sweet spirit she is. She taught me in nursing school and I knew she was always going to be a blessing to me I just never knew how. Here I am in her office again just falling apart. My mind is tired. I just start crying and tell her I'm at the end and I don't know how much more I can stand. I'd rather go to check in to pine grove than to keep feeling this way. I explained all my pain, tiredness worry of stuff being wrong and my increase in anxiety. Midst the court date coming I knew that how I felt is different than ever. And it was. She showed me this chart. And that's when I realized it's all in my head but now it's become real and im living my emotions.

You see for years I've thought as depression as a mental illness. I've ran from it. Dealt with it but most importantly thought I understood it. Today I was wrong. No mri, no blood test nothing like that could address my problem. I'm in the green according to the diagram and to me that means I've hit rock bottom. I feel like I've lost myself. My sanity is up in the air and im just floating around this world. I looked at her and said I get it now. She prayed. I cried and soon my visit ended. Dr visit turned therapy session and free at that. God surely knows how to open my eyes. 

Yet my eyes still weren't open. I was so down that the light couldn't be seen. I went through the motions of my day but I struggled to pick my head up and could barely enjoy playing with B. B was my hero. He's my shining light and always brings such joy to me as being his mama does. But even that was lost. My body aches in pain. Im drained emotionally and physically. There isn't enough spark in the world right now to help wake me up!! So I went to bed praying for a miracle and so so tired and needing to sleep. 

Today I woke up feeling different but not better. Everything I did was intentional and prayed upon to just help me do better and feel better. 

Every Tuesday I drop B off at school and head to clean a friends house. I arrived as usual and decided instead of music that I would listen to my podcasts today like I normally do. I just felt the need to do so. 

Halfway through my second christian podcast which is based on a woman's personal testimony with depression I hear them say that when something is awesome around the corner that's when Satan is at his best to destroy you and that when you call out to God in prayer that it goes straight to the thrown of the Lord. I cried and looked up and said okay God I see this now. 

I may be battling depression because depression is a real live living thing. But my battle is much more than that. My battle is with evil. Satan who is main goal is to seek and destroy goes after those that he knows God is going to use and has plans for. This my friend is my battle. I may be experiencing a deep depression and feeling the physical pain and symptoms of it but it's only temporary! Satan is trying to use it to distract me. He wants me sad down and discouraged because he wants me to be apart from our God. But today I made a stand! I accept this depression as only temporary.  Because these feelings won't last and a victory is on its way! The closer we get to this victory the harder the enemy works to bring me down. He's using all these lies about me, my life, my healthy my marriage and anything surrounding be that I love and treasure. 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)"

But this to shall pass! God is good and he died to set me free from this pain and sorrow! 

I end with these two quotes because they speak truth! 

Thank you for joining me on this journey and bearing with my bipolar mind to get my thoughts out in some kind of order but being led by the spirit! 

If you are interested in the podcast I listened to today you can find it here at http://godcenteredmom.com/2015/04/13/a-naptime-diary-jessi-connolly-ep-68/

















 

Running a race with my mind.

The Monday of Feb 24th 2014 I had previously gone to the dr that morning because I just didn't feel like myself. I felt off. I was feeling down and at the moment didn't have the reason to feel the way I did. My marriage was going through another rough patch but I just thought it was me or something... My dr mentioned a mood disorder bc he had been seeing me a while now and noticed a pattern of symptoms i verbalized and struggled with... Bipolar?? Ha I just blew that off. IMPOSSIBLE!!

7-8 months later after numerous and sometimes weekly christian counseling sessions to just help keep my sanity I was bombarded with the idea of my reactions and moods being somewhat predictable and more noticeable. Being a child of a bipolar, depressed mother and having a brother who was bi polar I knew that what I was hearing was probably true but I seriously just wanted to run the other direction. I'm 29 years old. I'm a mother and a wife. Now I'm crazy I thought. I agreed to go see a dr that specializes with this and regardless of how much it cost I knew God would provide a way. 

All the feelings of what I feared came rushing in. I questioned my husband, best friend, mother in law, and another close friend. They all confirmed noticeable moods and periods of time where im up and down. I needed help. God will get me through this. I'll see the dr and try some medicine and go from there. I was terrified. Mental illness defined my mother and I refused to let it define me. 

On top of everything I had going on in my life I felt like I was falling apart. One day Id have all the energy in the world and the next day I could cry and just want to sleep. Once I realized what I was diagnosed with I started paying more attention. Wow at how this has impacted my life. Looking back I now see why I made some of the choices in my life. The times when life was best I was going through the "hypomanic" phase. Working out everyday, enjoying work, staying busy and productive. I had energy and did all the things I had wanted to accomplish. There was a dark side to this manic phase I now see so clear. My mid twenties the choices I made dating and with men were impulsive and random. I spent money and maxed out my credit cards. I would call in to work if I didn't feel like going and so on. I see that now and understand why I jumped around always looking for happiness and satisfaction. 

The dark side... The depression. The haunted memories of the nightmare I was living in. The childhood memories and nightmares of my mom dying in my arms. All these hit deep and periods of time I was so down all I could do was sleep. 

That was then. The now is that im a wife and mother and you can't just sleep bc your sad. When the darkness comes it comes with a vicious thorn. A dark cloud that tries to steal the joy in my life that God is placing in my life. Still no matter what I do I just can't snap out of it.. These moments suck. They drain my energy and I feel so worthless. I feel during these times I fail as a mom. That im so distracted that I miss all the good moments.. 

5 months later taking medicine regularly im happy to say that I've found a balance. It's not easy and daily it's a struggle. But with God I can function and through medication and consistent council I feel stronger emotionally. I feel that the distractions of impulse and sadness have minimized. 

I no longer look at myself as crazy but as a woman with obstacles in life and living with bipolar disorder. There is nothing I can do about it. This is just another sped bump in my life page and it to will pass. The Lord is my strength and refuge. I take confort in this. I'm a hot mess most days but I can get control and live as normal as possible. I eat healthy regularly and exercise 4-6 days a week. This helps so much! 

I'm a broken hot mess. Be still my soul

I am by no means wanting to be a professional or try to compete in the writing world. I am however, wanting to share my own personal story. The story of struggles from being a mom of a 3 year old, a wife and a woman chasing after Gods heart amidst life and the crazy days that are thrown at us. 

For now I want to tell you where I am. I'm definitely not where I was but surely not where I want to be. However I know I'm where God has placed be in this exact moment and I have grown to accept that. 

I live in a tangible world of uncertainty. A world I hope no one I love ever has to partake in. My days come and go and sometimes the only thing I remember that day is praying and the laughs from my sweet boy. Those days I treasure. I see life so differently after the events of this past year. For so long I was on both sides of the fence. But now I'm on Gods side and this is where I will forever stay. 

My mind is somewhere between numb and peaceful and some days I can't slow my thoughts down. Oh to be just normal again I think.. 

Define normal. 

Happy family and a white picket fence? Oh stars no! We all perceive things in a different way. Some people perceive the events in my life as a tragic life altering situation. They are politically correct but the situation has not altered my perception. It's helped me have clarity. Clarity about what you ask? What are these events you speak of? Oh friend I will get to them. Right now im just unleashing the cloud of random thoughts in my mind as I sit here and unwind my day. 

This is what we do as moms and busy women. We need to unwind the craziness. Sadly many won't take the time to do so but I don't want to be i. That group anymore. I just want to rambl. Until I can finally start making sense. Until then... Think on this.