Beauty from ashes

I sit here in the stillness of the early morning. I sit here reflecting and praising my Lord. My what a year it has been and it's almost coming to an end. I am filled with such a thankful heart and a soul of gratitude. Something tugging at my heartstrings to just write again. In the midst of life's chaos, changing diapers and chasing a 4 year old I don't get much time to collect my thoughts enough to write these days. But I do EVERY SINGLE MORNING wake up to study His word and have quiet time before anyone in my house wakes up. It may be 3,4 or 5am but I arise to have my heart and mind strengthened for the day. 

Some days get so chaotic that it's like I've forgotten about that time I woke up to. I'll get I'll tempered, frustrated and find myself filled and consumed with the worry and doubts of life. But it's in the stillness of mornings like this that I can find my center and refill my soul with His  word. So back to reflection....

I don't even know where to start. This time last Christmas I was big as a house carrying two babies that were to me, Gods Promises. At the time I lived in a world filled with uncertainty of their future. Would they be born to a life of freedom? Would their mom be part of their life? Would they be born into a world of chaos? Life was like living on the edge. It was a rollercoaster of a ride. If you aren't familiar with my story look back on my blog and read The verdict. 

A new year began in 2016 full of faith and hope. These were two things in my life that were secure and unwavering. No one could take these away from me. The devil certainly tried but I stood firm with my feet planted on the ground. I was surrounded in life by people that loved me. People that prayed over me, fought for me and had hope in things not seen. They kept me grounded. My family and friends, well the friends that I had gained over the past 2 years, stood by my side in some of the darkest days yet to come. 

February 16 crept up on me like a snail in the dirt. My living nightmare was coming to face me like a giant. 35 weeks pregnant with twins I walked into a courtroom facing the fears that struck me like lightening during a rain storm. 3 days of witnesses, evidence, or lack of is say, and motions that were just foreign to me, passed by with a blur. Media blasted me in the local newspaper. I faced each day listening to I trust in You by lauren Daigle. It gave me strength to face my giants. 

February 19th came, the day of judgement. I came in that morning and just glared at the jury, fear struck me and my body went numb. Contractions were a lot more frequent this morning but according to the day before, my dr appt went smooth and I had not progressed one centimeter. I came prepared that morning to speak and give my testimony, but God had other plans. He had placed it on my attorneys heart apparently to take a different approach. I would no longer be speaking. Filled with relief and anguish at the same time I sighed a release of breath. The morning was long. So very long. After lunch came closing statements and by 3pm the jury would return to their room to decide the fate of my case. However I knew that this battle was already fought. Because the Lord promised to go before me. 

5pm came. There was a knock. The answer was here. As I type this right now my body still shakes and trembles as I remember my emotions that very moment. Everything went quiet. The verdict had been handed to the judge. I couldn't tell by his expression. My heart was racing. I held on to my belly, praying, trembling with fear. Here it goes. The clerk Martin had it in his hands and as he read NOT GUILTY. I could hear the sighs and cries from afar. I buried my face in my hands. Tears flowed down my face. It's over. It's really over Lord. Two words changed my life forever. I gave my attorney the biggest hug of thank you and proceeded to find my family and was greeted with tears and hugs. Friends and family filled the courtroom that day and I'll never forget the love and support that week. 

Of course I was found to be the on the front page of the paper that weekend. But this time I rejoiced and my heart praised Him. My father in law told me this was his most favorite picture of me. I couldn't look at it long bc emotions raged within. I was still in awe and shock of it all. I couldn't sleep for a few nights but finally got rest a few nights later. A night of sleep to recover what the past 3 years had taken away from me. 

This friends is Mercy. This was a second chance to live a life not taken for granted. This was a new beginning. I would never be the same person again. I was redeemed and forever grateful. 

As I continue to reflect.... The blessings just poured in. 

We welcomed our baby girls Kennedy MAE and Kailyn Ruth March 7, 2016. Healthy baby, healthy mama. They were perfect. They were my gifts from the Lord. His promises fulfilled. My life would never be the same. They immediately brough such joy to our lives. 

It's rumored that God won't place more on you than you can handle. However this is a false statement. Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days and SATAN tempted Him 3 times. But Jesus stood firm on the Word of God. Life will throw us curveballs. Life will be unbearable and you WILL be given more than you can handle or bear. It's at that moment in weakness that He makes you strong. On days when you feel you can't go on He picks you up and carries you. He carried me for 3 years. Not a day went by that I got up and walked alone. He too, will carry you my friend. All we have to do is Ask! On to more reflecting... 

In May a dear friend of mine asked me about my nursing license and if I planned on returning to work. I laughed at the thought and didn't think one second of working with so much on my plate. Parenting twins is no joke! But something in the back of my mind had me start the process of reinstating my license. I figured it would be an easy process but boy was I wrong. After phone calls, emails and letters from my attorney, the board of nursing finally responded. It was some months later we received the date of October 11th for a hearing regarding my license. I was advised I didn't have to be present for that day. It was gonna be Another few months of waiting. 

After having the girls in March I went into a state of hypomania. You see I'm a manic depressant and no I'm not ashamed. Mental illness has a history in my family. My mom and brother both suffered from this disorder. However they don't and didn't have the self awareness that I've got. I choose to get help and treatment. For 3 months I stayed busy and active and nonstop from teaching spin, cleaning houses and caring for my family. But something changed. Boy did it change. July came and towards the end of the month a huge cloud of darkness plagued me. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I had dealt with depression before but this was different. This went on for weeks and only got worse. I wouldn't shower for days or wash my hair. I had no strength for the gym and quit going altogether for the month of august. I completely shut down. I didn't want to take care of my family nor the girls. I wanted to just crawl into a hole and sleep. But I couldn't do that. So much now is a blur bc I wasn't in my right state of mind. September came and the darkness was too much to bear. Everyone around me was worried. I didn't know how much longer I could go on like this. I tried numbing the pain but it just came back stronger. I sought treatment September 15th for a couple of days to gain my life back. The longest few days ever. But God had already worked out the details. He was with me and my family that week. He stirred in my heart. I never quit praying and having my quiet time during those dark times. 

Bipolar depression and post partum depression are no joke. Combined led to a hot mess. I felt so ashamed bc here I was free from chains and blessed with beautiful babies yet I couldn't shake this darkness. So many people suffer in silence. Ashamed to get help or reach out to someone they trust. I knew that if I didn't get help that I'd become another statistic and I knew in my heart that was not Gods plan. I was battling a physical and emotional and spiritual battle. I turned to Ephesians 6 many days in order to fight this battle. Many days of healing would take place before I'd regain myself again. 

I started walking soon after and found it to be the best medicine. It made me feel alive again and gave me energy. I finally returned to the gym at the end of September. It was a gradual process. I was still battling my inner demons of self image and losing this baby weight. But the first step to health is becoming more active. Surrounding yourself with upbeat positive people is the second step. Back to reflecting... 

October 11th finally came. I heard nothing. The following day.. nothing. 

Thursday morning October 13th I received an email from my attorney. The board of nursing had granted my request for reinstatement!  Praise the Lord!!! I was filled with excitement! That night I began looking at jobs just for the fun of it. No plan in sight. So I began the process online to get my license back. During my legal situation it had been temporarily suspended pending the verdict. They granted my license back with no restrictions nor discipline. This was such a blessing and another answered prayers. My patience had grown stronger and stronger. 

Finally after weeks of waiting in November the Tuesday before thanksgiving I Checked the website one more time. To my surprise there it was. The word "ACTIVE" registered nurse. Oh to see those words. I stood amazed and in awe at Gods timing. 

A few weeks back I had applied and sent in my resume into a company called Forward Health Solutions. Remember my friend back in May that had asked about me going back to work and what was going on with my license?? Well She's the reason I even had the back thought of what if. For the past 6 months or so they had been interviewing people for a part time position but had yet to fill this position. She had suggested to me to send in my resume and the following Monday I received a phone call. Followed by an interview I soon accepted the job offer. This was all Gods timing. They accepted me for who I was and my past didn't affect what the Lord had planned. He had led me to this place and was working out the details. Thank you Deanna for remaking faithful and persistent in nudging me in the right direction. Had you never mentioned nursing as an option back in May I'd never have initiated the process to regain my career. I'm so thankful for you and these new beginnings! 

I've sat here for the past two hours writing to you and rambling. I've reflected on some of life's biggest moments for me this year. Looking back everything has been like a puzzle and all the pieces fit where they belong. I may not be exactly where I want to be but I'm definitely not where I use to be. God has me exactly where he wants me to be though and I'm trusting Him as he paves the way. 

Hard times will come. We will experience loss, pain, rejection, struggles and doubt. We live in a dark world. But everyday we wake up we have a choice to be the light. Be the light that shines in someone's life. Share life's ups and downs with those you love and trust. Don't keep things bottled up inside. If you are struggling with your own battle of depression, seek help. And do it asap! God gave us wisdom and resources so we need to take advantage of those in times of need. You don't have to wallow in the darkness. You are made for so much more. I'm made for so much more than I give myself credit for. 

I don't write this story for sympathy! I write it to share my testimony that God is on your side. Even when he feels the most distant he's there. He's real. My life is proof there is a living and breathing Lord! A Savior! 

The older I get the wiser I become. The more Christmas really means to me. Sunday we celebrate Jesus's birth. God sent his only Son to save us from a world full of sin and darkness. How wonderful is that. All of the pain, hurt and defeat in my life has been washed away because my Savior was born. He bore all my sins and suffered for you and me. He is the only true medicine. He cleanses us and renews us. You can't truly experience life until your heart knows Him personally. I'm so thankful that I know Him and that he's been by my side this year, my whole life. 

I pray that God uses me and my story for His honor and glory. I pray that he encourages you through whatever storm you are going through. I pray that He renews your mind and strengthens your heart. 

Here's to a new year. 2017 I'm ready for you! I welcome you with open arms and excitement of what's to come. Mold me and make me into the person you created me to be. 

He's turned my story into beauty from ashes. 

God bless and Merry Christmas! 🎄 

My Story. A renewed spirit after being broken. I'm free!

Hello to you all. It's been several months since we have spoken. The girls are napping this Sunday morning so it's time to share. So much has gone on I really don't know quite where to start. So I'll give you a brief summary of events following My last post back in June. See I'm a manic depressant and I tend to write more when I'm on a high of life. My mind runs so quickly that the only way to settle my thoughts is to write them out. That was my state of mind after having my twins back in March this year. I came home roaring and ready to go. Counting the days until I was able to go outside and back to the gym to start my journey back to a healthier mama. This was only the beginning of a blur of a few months. 

It was around July the girls were around 4 months that I noticed my energy declining and mood shifting. See after every hypomanic episode comes a season of darkness. But the lows usually only lasted no more than a month and I was beginning to prepare myself for the next few weeks. Dr visits, counseling sessions and adjustments with my medications. A month came and went, my activity level started to drop, my obligations started to fade away and my life perception was altered. Something wasn't right. I was not ok. 

August came and I was struggling. The twins were 5 months and were growing so fast. Days and nights were a blur and my days were just running together. I couldn't keep up. I was tired. From cleaning houses, working out, teaching spin classes and maintaining a family I was stretched to my limit. How did I get this way? Well back during my hypomanic episode after the girls were 2 months I took on a tad too many responsibilities. But I had energy for days and major focus! However that time had came and gone. I now found myself in the pit of depression, exhausted and aching from head to toe. But this was no regular depression. I was irritable, my patience wore thin with my kids, I was having several occasions of irrational thoughts, I found myself telling God I couldn't be the mom He wanted me to be, I felt like a failure and just quite frankly was ready to throw in the bucket. 

 

No one tells you about this part of life. No one tells you it can hit you at anytime, any second or any day. See they wanna keep things covered up so that what you see on social media is how things "really are." But I'm here to tell you life is real. This is real. It is real. What is it?? 

Postpartum depression. It hit me like a massive sack of bricks around 5 months. I guess for a long time I was in denial. I just figured I was going through a low with my illness. It wasn't until a few articles and my husband suggesting it that I came to realize what I was dealing with was not my normal. Nothing was helping, nothing was getting better. I was a month and a half in and in the darkest place of my life. I felt like I was outside my body just going through the motions. Inside me was like fighting a demon. Seriously this may sound crazy coo coo but I was in a battle. A spiritual battle within my body, heart and mind. I didn't want to take care of myself, much less care for my 4 year old, 6 month old twins or my husband. What I did do took all the energy and willpower I had. Pale skin, dark eyes and a weeping spirit I knew that I could not function like this much longer. I couldn't bare to live in this state. Some days I just couldn't even deal. Iwas coping in ways that were outta control. My life was falling apart and I couldn't pick up the pieces. Everyone around me was suffering. My poor babies needed their mama and she wasn't there, not the way she needed to be. Something needed to change. I was in a bad place. 

So I got help. The hardest thing to do in life is admitting our weaknesses and asking for help. But I didn't ask for help, I begged for it. I cried out to my God to save me from this pit. 4 days away from the ones I love was the hardest time of my life. Feeling like a failure I continued going through the motions. But God knew what he was doing. He was still in control through all of this. The first day of my stay my nurse looked familiar. Come to find out we had worked together when I was fresh out of nursing school. First time I felt Gods presence in weeks. Second thing that happened and still gives me chills is this: I walked up to the nursing station to talk to my nurse. She told me "that I reminded her so much of a friend she went to high school with." I kinda shrugged it off but she said it a second time so I went on to ask " Well who's your friend? Where did you go to high school?" She then proceeded to tell me the name Sandra Dixon ajnd Oak Grove High school. My eyes fixed on her and my heart skipped a beat. "That's my mama." (Whom passed away some 16 years ago) Wow. God had sent me my own angel to care for me those two days. I'll never forget it. See he knows our days and has them planned ahead of time. He knew where I'd be that day and time and ordained a God given meeting. Soon afterwards my spirit began to lift. It was definitely an experience those 4 days. I'll never forget them. I came home ready to take on the world again. Healing one day at a time. New perspective. Well that lasted 24 hours. Friday morning I woke up feeling down again and would continue feeling that way until a week or so later. 

 

With continued, hard prayer and a good nights rest I finally woke up one morning feeling refreshed. I went for a walk one Thursday afternoon and that my friend has been 5 weeks ago. That walk changed my life. It was nothing special but it was breathing fresh hair and the Holy Spirit renewing my soul. 

It's been a day by day kind of healing but it's healing. Healing from pit of darkness, healing from the post partum depression and healing from fighting that inner demon within me. I'm so thankful I didn't give up and most importantly that He didn't give up on me. For the past 3 years I had endured pain and heartache with periods of depression but had NEVER experienced anything like this before. I guess time finally caught up with me. My finely trimmed and groomed outside appearance of life had finally became transparent. Satan beat me and beat me but never defeated me. He knew something BIG was around the corner and didn't want me around to be part of it. 

 

Two weeks ago after a month of attempting contact the nursing board met regarding my license. They would determine if it would be reinstated or not. A HUGE day! If you don't know he other part of my story check out Part 3 below. They met on a Tuesday. My attorney and I emailed back and forth regarding it but no word until Thursday morning. I had just dropped off my son at preschool and was headed home. I checked my email while waiting at a redlight and when I read it I bout rear ended the truck in from of me. It went on to tell me that they had decided to reinstate my license and that my file would have nothing negative on it and no restrictions on my license. I started balling my eyes out. Wow! This is it! This is the last part of this chapter of my life! All that I've been through was for this VERY MOMENT! God spoke peace into my heart that second and said "Be still and know that I am God." I been still Lord for far too long and what a blessing to be shown grace and mercy. I gave him all the honor and praise. That day I declared victory over my life. Another burden removed from life. Here I was a sinner saved by Grace living His testimony of faith right then. 

This picture shows it all. It's the last piece of this miserable puzzle of the past 3 years of my life! I can finally breathe and rest at night fully! 

People say God won't give you more than you can handle but that's not accurate. God will allow way more than you can handle or bear. During that time is when He is molding and creating you into the person that He wants you to be! Through trials, loss, struggles, and defeats He is always there. When you feel he is gone He is there. When you are at the end of your road He meets you there. When you can't get out of bed in the mornings He lifts the sheets and pulls your legs out from under the covers!! God is there! He's is REAL YALL! He is faithful when we remain faithful! 

During those hard couple of months postpartum I encountered I stayed steadfast in my bible. I read it daily. I studied it. I wrote out my prayers. The enemie never ceased! The days my prayers were stronger he fought harder. The days I couldn't bare to hang on he kept stepping on my fingers. But I continued to pray and plead the name of Jesus over my life and my family! I may have felt like giving up but I never not ONCE gave up! Just like the story of Job who lost everything God remained faithful! I was reminded of this scripture soon after I posted my freedom on Facebook. It's a beautiful scripture of God remaining faithful. 

“The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.

After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭42:12, 16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Whomever is reading this, wherever you are in your life. GOD IS FAITHFUL! He sent his Son to die on the cross to save us from a world of sin and sorrow. His blood shed that day covered all the heartache and pain we would feel! The day He arose is a reminder that GOD IS FAITHFUL! Remain faithful my friend. Remain faithful! 

; This story isn't over yet! It's just beginning! 

I am Redeemed 

By Big Daddy Weave 

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son

Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy

Named by the voice of my shame and regret

But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"

I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me

'Cause his day is long dead and gone

Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be

Jesus, I'm not who I used to be

'Cause I am redeemed

Thank God, redeemed

 

Let Freedom Ring!!

Today is the day we celebrate freedom for our country. We celebrate and remember those that gave their life for our freedom. Today I celebrate with you but In a whole new way. I celebrate with you the freedom of life. The freedom of circumstances. What does the term freedom really mean? We can throw the word around all day today but let's look at the definition...

Freedom as Google defines-

free·dom

ˈfrēdəm/

noun

1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

   "we do have some freedom of choice"

   • absence of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government.

     "he was a champion of Irish freedom"

     synonyms:

     independence, self-government, self-determination, self-rule, home rule, sovereignty, nonalignment, autonomy; democracy "revolution was the only path to freedom"

   • the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

     "the shark thrashed its way to freedom"

     
     
     

     The synonyms given for the term freedom are liberation, Liberty, deliverance. We have been delivered. But let's take it a step further. What is it in life that has you imprisoned? Held captive? Is it finances? Relationships? Addiction? Spiritual turmoil? The list goes on. For me this time last year I was held prisoner by my circumstances. I let them take over me and control my mind for so long. It's easy to fall into the trap of imprisonment of life and chaos when we are attempting to walk alone. We let the weight of the world sink into us. We become victims of our own choices and decisions. We feel like slaves to our jobs, households, marriage or children. But it doesn't have to be this way.  Today we celebrate freedom. Most think of the 4th of July as one big party or fireworks. But for some of us freedom is defined as a personal victory. It's defeating the odds. It's defeating cancer. It's overcoming grief of a loved one. It's defeating the need to please and to be comfortable in our own skin. It's celebrating freedom from depression or anxiety that had us gripped by the neck. We all share something in common. We chose to overcome.  My devotion this morning spoke of not letting our battles become who we are. "The truth is, we get to choose whether or not we will remain a victim. We can’t change what happened to us yesterday but we can decide where we will go from here." "We can either continue to focus on the obstacles and find excuses that will keep us stuck in the conditions and mindsets that perpetuate our sense of victimhood, or we can stand up, take responsibility for what is ours, and walk towards freedom and healing." Words spoken so true! She goes on to give the example of the paralyzed man for 38 years that for years kept throwing every excuse for his problems.

     When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” How many of us are just like this man? We feel captive by our emotions and situations but really what we need is for Jesus to tell us to GET UP! Get up and move!  We do not have to be held captive! We can be free. Free to worship. Free to praise and free to live the life God intended us to live!  Today celebrate your freedom through Jesus! Not only celebrate the country's declaration from independence but celebrate your freedom through Jesus Christ! Break free from the chains that are holding you down! No more putting on your happy face but put own your armor everyday to defeat the battles of life. Wherever you are today you may be happy, sad or mad. But choose your definition of freedom. Let it ring! Listen to Martina Mcbrides song Independence Day. Let it be your soundtrack for the day! Celebrate life. Celebrate YOU! You are worthy friend!

     ‭ ‭ John‬ ‭5:6-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

My Story. Picking up the pieces.

I sit here this morning reflecting.. 3 years ago I lost my hope, my happiness and was robbed of my joy. I felt alone and abandoned. BUT I never gave up! Never stopped praying! Never stopped holding onto the hope I had left! I fell into a deep dark depression. I lost myself. I lost the joy of what interested me. I questioned my life, my purpose. I questioned my circumstances. Why me I begged God? What have I done so bad to endure so many tragedies and losses in my life. I felt like Job from the bible in so many ways. Robbed of so much! Lost everything I had worked so hard to achieve. In one blink of an eye! Two people.. Fellow coworkers would forever change my life. 3 years of sleepless nights. Begging God for mercy. Feeling like a failure as a wife and mother. I lost who I was. Everyone around me thought I was so strong! They saw me muster up energy to smile. They saw my positive post on social media. No one saw behind the walls. Only a select few people know how I really was. They stuck by my side. They loved me in my darkness. 

July 15th I found out I was pregnant again. We were excited, nervous and a ball of emotions. I felt in my heart this was Gods way of giving me peace and taking me by the hand saying "child you are mine and I will protect you". A few weeks later we found out we were having TWINS! It was that day I knew God was going to take care of me. He was going to keep his promises. 

I don't believe in coincidences, I believe in miracles And Gods plAns. So here you go. My due date for a normal pregnancy was March 19 2016. But this was a twin pregnancy. Most women deliver early around 35-36 weeks. This would put me delivering early around the second week of February. I say this all to explain this. My trial date was scheduled for February 16th. I would be 35 weeks pregnant that week of court. My dr just knew the stress of everything I was going through would lead to complications. The week of my trial I was living a healthy not complicated pregnancy. The middle of the week at my dr appt I was not dilated and having mild contractions. I was handling it better than anyone imagined. 

FEBRUARY 19th. After 4 days of intense stress at 5:05 pm a NOT GUILTY verdict was given to ME! Gods child. He had protected me. He carried me. He held me up. My life was free. Freedom was given back to me. Just two words again forever changed my life. Two words that I'll never forget! Engraved in my heart and mind. It was like a dream. But it was real! I rejoiced and held my belly praising Jesus. 

3 weeks later at 38 weeks and 3 days. I was full term with my twin girls. Stop no complications. A healthy pregnancy. Delivered my miracle babies healthy on March 7th. 

I say this all to just get it out of my head and process it all but to show you how God showed his grace. My pregnancy was no accident. A TWIN pregnancy was no accident! The timing of it and my trial was no ACCIDENT! For 3 years of restless nights and an unsure future I can finally Sleep again! My JOY has been restored! DEPRESSION has been lifted! Peace has been renewed! I'm happy again! I enjoy life! Things are not chaotic. Life has been renewed! Gods grace has taught me that through all of our trials, our losses, our sufferings that he is FAITHFUL! He never leaves our side! He has the master plan! He has the blue prints of our lives! We must choose to believe and have faith! NO ONE can rob you of that!! 

This is only a mere part of my story and I hope it draws you closer to God. It's just a mere reflection of being broken then put back together again! For that I'm forever thankful!

Humble me Lord. Rescue me.

It's been a few weeks since my last post and that post wasn't most uplifting. I was at my breaking point emotionally and physically and that's where I have been the past few weeks... Broken, tired and exhausted. I'm so ashamed for how I have felt, so down and depressed, not able to enjoy the things good in this life and focused so much on everything that's gone wrong that it's clouded my view of Gods blessings. But we are human and his grace is abounding. Though I may feel weak it's by his Grace that gets me out of bed. He makes me strong so that I can do the daily events to be done. 

As I clean each week I have found myself knee deep In Idolatry.. I never really understood what this meant until now.. I clean all these big houses and long for what they have.. I long for the nice houses, big bathrooms and vacations that are being taken. Some days so consumed by my desires that it puts my mind in such a dark place. I start to question God if I am even worth anything.. I mean I'm 30 years old and we struggle from week to week to make ends meet. Some days I wish I could just vanish bc the pain of life is just too much to bear.. I dwell on the past.. I've asked for forgiveness for my past sins but Satan just keeps throwing them in my face and torments me and my thoughts.. I pray daily for a victory! I pray continuously.. But I find myself doubting.. Wondering if I am worthy of the Lords forgiveness.. 

Oh what a mess I am. A selfish mess. I look around me being so caught up in me me me and forget about others around me. God has not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. 1 Timothy 1:7

I know this post is just a hot mess but it's just a direct reflection of what happens when we let Satan win and control our thoughts and when we give in to negative thoughts and selfishness. But today is a glorious day! Today I've got a victory all thanks to my friend sharing Psalm 25 with me.. She asked me how I was doing and I was just honest last night.. No I'm not fine.. I'm in a dark place and fighting some serious battles. A spiritual battle.. So I share with you this scripture in hopes that you find victory in Jesus and find hope amidst your circumstances. 

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good. Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful toward those who keep the demands of his covenant. For the sake of your name, Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who, then, are those who fear the Lord? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose. They will spend their days in prosperity, and their descendants will inherit the land. The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you. Deliver Israel, O God, from all their troubles! (Psalm 25:1-22 NIV)

My prayer today. Father I thank you for the blessings you have placed in my life. The blessings I cannot always see and those that I take for granted. Lord I pray that you will help me recognize your presence in my life and gain wisdom from your word. Lord I turn to you and seek only You today. Forgive me of my faults and failures. Help me to see beyond the past and have hope in the future. I pray that you will protect my family and help me be a shining light to those in darkness. Thank you for all you have done in my heart and all that you are going to do in Jesus name Amen! 

The gift of helping others.

Almost two years ago I was introduced to Advocare and not only has it helped me get my health back and fight eating disorders but it's allowed me an opportunity to help others. It's been such a blessing in my life during some dark times especially after resigning from my career as a nurse. Today is a milestone for one of my friends and I just have to share this post I shared on fb! 

This is just one example of why I do what I do.. This is my good friend Robin who came to me almost a year ago wanting to do the 24 day challenge. She had a 4 year old and 4 month old little girl and was working long hours as a nurse.. She was tired and fed up and wanted a change. Fast forward to where she is today is simply incredible! She has gone from a size 14 to a size 6 and has officially lost 65 POUNDS!!!!!  She's literally half the size she use to be. And the best part is she's grown to love herself and enjoy life in a way she never knew existed. Because of her yes we have grown into great friends and I have enjoyed seeing her journey this past year. I'm so proud of you girl! You deserve that cruise. Here's to many more years of reaching all your goals! 😊👊🏻 #goalcrusher

Just a simply incredible journey and so thankful God has placed this in my life to help me turn the negative into positive. You can do it too! Just one yes can change your life. It has ours. 

Patience in waiting. Be still my soul part 6

Well.. It's been 2 weeks since the judge received paperwork from my attorney. It's been 3 weeks since we had our court date. It's been a year 2 months and 12 days since my life was turned upside down. I have not once given up nor turned my eyes away from God through all of this. The times have been hard. I feel like many days I'm just a disaster and cluster of emotions just waiting to set off but through all of the crazy emotions, depression worry and anxiety He is always there for me. 

I pray daily for wisdom and discernment of his Spirit to reign down on me and flood my path of life. I never pray for patience because it doesn't say to pray for patience. We are commanded to Love and trust our Father. With trials and suffering produces wisdom, patience and perserverence. Over and over and over again. It doesn't say you will have just one experience in life and be done. 

"The Lord doesn't qualify the called he calls the Qualified."

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (James 1:2-6 NIV)"

I asked for those things while praying and he's definitely giving them to me. As each week passes by I'm learning that when I pray I must believe in what I'm praying. I can't just ask for wisdom and not BELIEVE  that God can give it to me. The true test of faith relies on waiting on the Lord to reveal in his own time the answer. Everyone around me is getting so anxious to know this one answer. Like it's going to just end there... 

I mean I know that is possible but I just say that God is not ready to reveal the answer yet and that there is a reason it's taking so much time. There has been a reason all of this has drug out longer and longer. The longer it takes the more I feel I'm losing my mind but also the closer and more dependent I am on my Heavenly Father to just wrap his arms around me and help me trust in him. 

The enemy knows our weaknesses and he preys on them. But let me declare this.. YOU WILL NOT WIN. Satan you are the thorn in my side but the battle 

has been fought and the debt has been paid. Jesus didn't suffer and die for me to be filled with worry and doubt. The worry and doubt that comes with waiting. The worry from the unknown. Questions left unanswered. All these things you attempt to plague my mind with.. I will continue praying you away until the victory comes. Though I may be weak.. HE IS STRONG! 

My Jesus loves me this I Know. For the Bible tells me so. 

If I must wait. I will wait in peace! I will accept his grace and mercy that he gives to me abundantly. If you are waiting on an answer today or waiting for your prayers to be answered I pray that you will fix your eyes upon the Heavens above and Trust him with all your heart. 

In good time. It will be revealed. 

In Grace 

Seek Him and you will find Him.

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:12-13 We serve a mighty and powerful God. He can work miracles and do some amazing things in our lives but if we do not seek him daily.. Pray.. And live His word, the blessings He has in store for us we won't find and he can't give to us. We have to do our part. We can be blinded by our wants and desires but what truly matters is taking ourself out of the equation and letting Go and Let God. Seek him today and you WILL find him.

They say Let go and Let God but most days we cling to our own selves and still try to control everything around us. If you are waiting on something in life the Lord may be teaching you patience or he may be working out the situation on his time. 

Trust him. Pray diligently. Serve others and just remove yourself from the equation. Easy to say but harder to do. God is a loving and faithful God. He always pulls through. It just may look different than our expectations. 

There is Victory in Jesus. Part 1

I sit here this morning reading my bible and drinking my coffee to just allow God to search my heart and soul. Lord know that I'm far from perfect and have made so many mistakes in my lifetime. For so long I use to say one day I'll get my life together and do things right. So many years have slipped between my finger tips. Not so much regrets but so many what ifs??

I learned this weekend at marriage conference that we can no longer allow our past to dictate our futures. I hold true to this statement and declare a victory in my life. 

Reading the book of Ephesians this morning Paul speaks with such mercy and grace while being imprisoned. Who would have thought that a man that persecuted Christians would turn out to be such a man of God and to me one of the greatest writers in the Bible. It shows me that regardless of how things turn out in life that no matter the situation nor circumstance that the Lord will use all things to work for his good according to its purpose. 

I know that today in this court room that God will have his hand upon me and my family. I pray to him that his will be Glorified and that his power be made known. These days never get easier. My heart races. My thoughts crowd my mind. My body trembles. But somewhere in the midst of it all a peace fills my body and it's like the Lord says child I'm here with you. 

Psalm 46:10 says Be still and know that I am God. It's quoted so much in the world today but until you truly understand what being still means you just can't comprehend the power in our Jesus. He's merciful and gracious. He's sitting at the right hand of God on the thrown And already knows the outcome. He's waiting for us to fully trust him. 

This morning 1peter 3:7-9 course through my mind and heart and it's these verses I cling to for hope and grace. 

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-9 NIV)"

Though I have not seen, I know In my heart. I pray that later today I can write to you about my victory in Jesus and show you truly the power of prayer. 

A broken identity. Be still my soul part 5.

The weeks following the life shattering news of being accused of the death of my patient that day lingered on like a cloud going across the sun. Instantly grief filled my soul and the loss of what I thought was my identity. 

By identity I speak of what we define ourselves by. For many it's by their jobs, hobbys or whether they are a wife or mother. For me I defined my life and purpose as being a nurse. I thought that my calling in life was to help others and by doing so I was called to be a nurse. I loved what I did. I loved the science of nursing. I loved the aspect of helping someone get better or even more saving that persons life. These things I identified with. It's what I got my degree in college to do with my life. I just knew that I would always have a job and always have an opportunity to help someone in some way. All this just one day SHATTERED! 

My identity was home to the icu. Otherwise known as critical care or intensive care unit. It's where the sickest of patients came to get the most intensive immediate treatment, procedures and medications. My heart was in this field of nursing. The adrenaline rush of saving a persons life during an emergency made me function to the highest capacity my mind allowed. There is just no other feeling like being a nurse. I truly loved my job and career. 

So there are a few parts to the grieving process. In the beginning I was in denial.. Like this can't be happening. God why me? I couldn't believe that in a matter of 24 hours my life as a nurse would no longer be.. Much less be the same ever again. My life for the past 7-8 years was that consisting of nursing. I had no idea what else I would do. What if I'm just in a bad dream? Maybe they just have made a mistake. 

The answer to those questions was no. 

And then there was Anger. This didn't really last that long honestly. I was never mad at God. I was mad at myself. I was angry that the one time I didn't chart acceptionally and detailed was the time my own life depended on it. I was angry and hurt that all of this surfaced because of another mans actual anger and revenge from the loss of his own job. I was angry that of all people to be accused of such a tragedy it was me. I was the nurse that wanted things done right! I fought for my co workers to be treated fairly and for our patients to be cared for. But anger didn't lay prevalent in my life long. God replaced that anger with some crazy joy that I found while being home with my little boy. Which led to bargaining. 

I told God that if he would just make this go away that I would do better. I'd live a better life. I'd be a better mom. A better wife. A better child of God. I promised God all of these things in hopes that he would just help make this nightmare go away. I bargained with him daily and for months. I pleaded. I cried. I prayed. But I know that he heard my pleas and my cries. He whispered in my ear many times "child of mine it's not your time yet. Just be patient sweet child". I heard I

His voice so many times in the midst of my crying and anguish. He calmed me in the storms as the court dates came and left with yet again no deliverance. Many a times I turned to this scripture and it brought peace that surpasses any understanding you can ever imagine.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8 NIV

This scripture lies so dear to my heart. It got me through and still gets me through some really tough times. Which leads now to acceptance. A year and 2 months later I've learned to accept the things in life that we cannot change. For that are just a mere season of life and where we are is by no accident because our Lord has our side. Crazy to think that as a Christian everything that goes on in our life has to go through the Lord first and he has to give permission for those circumstances to come your way. So when they say the Lord won't place on you anymore than you can handle this is what that means. He knows your future as a child of God is with him and he knows that your future is secure with Him. By stopping to accept where you are in life it truly defines just how powerful and gracious our Father is to us. He loves us so much and though he may not understand the pain and things of life we have endured his Son Jesus Christ does. 

I say this all to just help you understand how I've grown to accept and embrace my circumstances. My circumstances, my past, my depression nor my battle with an eating disorder do not define me. My career as a nurse no longer defines me. My identity has changed. It's been around for a long time but it's now the only identity that I want to define me. I am a child of God. A sister in Christ and a woman that loves God with all my heart and he comes first in my life. I'm a wife and a mother with a calling in life to love and serve others. It just looks differently now. As each day passes I lift up my head no matter how I feel and I will praise Jesus in the storm. Until the storm passes I'll continue to walk in sunshine and let my God love me where I am. 

In Christ and God bless. 

The nightmare of losing my mom.

I miss my mama.

14 years ago on the morning of Sept 24th I lost my mama. She died in my arms and had I known that was the last time to hold on to her I would have never let go. The visions of that morning never get easier. It stays in the back of my head. This year is harder than most bc my heart is already aching. The memories of that morning vivid as ever. I was 15 years old and my mom collapsed in my arms. I was alone with my 2 little brothers. I called 911 and started CPR. I had no idea what I was doing but I did what I had seen in movies to help others live. I tried to save my mamas life. I fought as hard as I knew and told the lady on the phone what I was doing until the paramedics got their. I’ll never forget thinking she’s just asleep and she will wake up as they carried her out on a stretcher with something strange in her mouth. They handed me her jewelry and I won’t ever forget that smell. Loaded up on the ambulance I’m praying that I’ll see my mama when I get to the hospital. My bday the time had a truck and we rushed behind the ambulance as u called my nana and told them what happened. 11:07am I believe it was that the shrill of my nAna in the ER on the floor on her knees saying “no God not my baby”. I feel like part of me was lost that day. Was I in a bad dream? My mama is suppose to be here until the end of time. God why is this happening to me? I need my mama. Thoughts of a 15 year old girl that day. 14 years later the images appear just as vivid than ever. I know God took my mama home to save her from pain and heartache and he saved our lives. Life was hard growing up. But he paved a new direction for us after she passed away. I miss her so much. Her laughs and jokes and importantly her hugs and love. Never take the ones you love for granted and never take your life for granted. The trials in my life are not even close to the trial that our Savior Jesus Christ sufferered and died for us on the Cross. Every trial there is a blessing. “And that’s not all. We are full of joy even when we suffer. We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on. The strength to go on produces character. Character produces hope.” Romans 5:3-4