My Story. A renewed spirit after being broken. I'm free!

Hello to you all. It's been several months since we have spoken. The girls are napping this Sunday morning so it's time to share. So much has gone on I really don't know quite where to start. So I'll give you a brief summary of events following My last post back in June. See I'm a manic depressant and I tend to write more when I'm on a high of life. My mind runs so quickly that the only way to settle my thoughts is to write them out. That was my state of mind after having my twins back in March this year. I came home roaring and ready to go. Counting the days until I was able to go outside and back to the gym to start my journey back to a healthier mama. This was only the beginning of a blur of a few months. 

It was around July the girls were around 4 months that I noticed my energy declining and mood shifting. See after every hypomanic episode comes a season of darkness. But the lows usually only lasted no more than a month and I was beginning to prepare myself for the next few weeks. Dr visits, counseling sessions and adjustments with my medications. A month came and went, my activity level started to drop, my obligations started to fade away and my life perception was altered. Something wasn't right. I was not ok. 

August came and I was struggling. The twins were 5 months and were growing so fast. Days and nights were a blur and my days were just running together. I couldn't keep up. I was tired. From cleaning houses, working out, teaching spin classes and maintaining a family I was stretched to my limit. How did I get this way? Well back during my hypomanic episode after the girls were 2 months I took on a tad too many responsibilities. But I had energy for days and major focus! However that time had came and gone. I now found myself in the pit of depression, exhausted and aching from head to toe. But this was no regular depression. I was irritable, my patience wore thin with my kids, I was having several occasions of irrational thoughts, I found myself telling God I couldn't be the mom He wanted me to be, I felt like a failure and just quite frankly was ready to throw in the bucket. 

 

No one tells you about this part of life. No one tells you it can hit you at anytime, any second or any day. See they wanna keep things covered up so that what you see on social media is how things "really are." But I'm here to tell you life is real. This is real. It is real. What is it?? 

Postpartum depression. It hit me like a massive sack of bricks around 5 months. I guess for a long time I was in denial. I just figured I was going through a low with my illness. It wasn't until a few articles and my husband suggesting it that I came to realize what I was dealing with was not my normal. Nothing was helping, nothing was getting better. I was a month and a half in and in the darkest place of my life. I felt like I was outside my body just going through the motions. Inside me was like fighting a demon. Seriously this may sound crazy coo coo but I was in a battle. A spiritual battle within my body, heart and mind. I didn't want to take care of myself, much less care for my 4 year old, 6 month old twins or my husband. What I did do took all the energy and willpower I had. Pale skin, dark eyes and a weeping spirit I knew that I could not function like this much longer. I couldn't bare to live in this state. Some days I just couldn't even deal. Iwas coping in ways that were outta control. My life was falling apart and I couldn't pick up the pieces. Everyone around me was suffering. My poor babies needed their mama and she wasn't there, not the way she needed to be. Something needed to change. I was in a bad place. 

So I got help. The hardest thing to do in life is admitting our weaknesses and asking for help. But I didn't ask for help, I begged for it. I cried out to my God to save me from this pit. 4 days away from the ones I love was the hardest time of my life. Feeling like a failure I continued going through the motions. But God knew what he was doing. He was still in control through all of this. The first day of my stay my nurse looked familiar. Come to find out we had worked together when I was fresh out of nursing school. First time I felt Gods presence in weeks. Second thing that happened and still gives me chills is this: I walked up to the nursing station to talk to my nurse. She told me "that I reminded her so much of a friend she went to high school with." I kinda shrugged it off but she said it a second time so I went on to ask " Well who's your friend? Where did you go to high school?" She then proceeded to tell me the name Sandra Dixon ajnd Oak Grove High school. My eyes fixed on her and my heart skipped a beat. "That's my mama." (Whom passed away some 16 years ago) Wow. God had sent me my own angel to care for me those two days. I'll never forget it. See he knows our days and has them planned ahead of time. He knew where I'd be that day and time and ordained a God given meeting. Soon afterwards my spirit began to lift. It was definitely an experience those 4 days. I'll never forget them. I came home ready to take on the world again. Healing one day at a time. New perspective. Well that lasted 24 hours. Friday morning I woke up feeling down again and would continue feeling that way until a week or so later. 

 

With continued, hard prayer and a good nights rest I finally woke up one morning feeling refreshed. I went for a walk one Thursday afternoon and that my friend has been 5 weeks ago. That walk changed my life. It was nothing special but it was breathing fresh hair and the Holy Spirit renewing my soul. 

It's been a day by day kind of healing but it's healing. Healing from pit of darkness, healing from the post partum depression and healing from fighting that inner demon within me. I'm so thankful I didn't give up and most importantly that He didn't give up on me. For the past 3 years I had endured pain and heartache with periods of depression but had NEVER experienced anything like this before. I guess time finally caught up with me. My finely trimmed and groomed outside appearance of life had finally became transparent. Satan beat me and beat me but never defeated me. He knew something BIG was around the corner and didn't want me around to be part of it. 

 

Two weeks ago after a month of attempting contact the nursing board met regarding my license. They would determine if it would be reinstated or not. A HUGE day! If you don't know he other part of my story check out Part 3 below. They met on a Tuesday. My attorney and I emailed back and forth regarding it but no word until Thursday morning. I had just dropped off my son at preschool and was headed home. I checked my email while waiting at a redlight and when I read it I bout rear ended the truck in from of me. It went on to tell me that they had decided to reinstate my license and that my file would have nothing negative on it and no restrictions on my license. I started balling my eyes out. Wow! This is it! This is the last part of this chapter of my life! All that I've been through was for this VERY MOMENT! God spoke peace into my heart that second and said "Be still and know that I am God." I been still Lord for far too long and what a blessing to be shown grace and mercy. I gave him all the honor and praise. That day I declared victory over my life. Another burden removed from life. Here I was a sinner saved by Grace living His testimony of faith right then. 

This picture shows it all. It's the last piece of this miserable puzzle of the past 3 years of my life! I can finally breathe and rest at night fully! 

People say God won't give you more than you can handle but that's not accurate. God will allow way more than you can handle or bear. During that time is when He is molding and creating you into the person that He wants you to be! Through trials, loss, struggles, and defeats He is always there. When you feel he is gone He is there. When you are at the end of your road He meets you there. When you can't get out of bed in the mornings He lifts the sheets and pulls your legs out from under the covers!! God is there! He's is REAL YALL! He is faithful when we remain faithful! 

During those hard couple of months postpartum I encountered I stayed steadfast in my bible. I read it daily. I studied it. I wrote out my prayers. The enemie never ceased! The days my prayers were stronger he fought harder. The days I couldn't bare to hang on he kept stepping on my fingers. But I continued to pray and plead the name of Jesus over my life and my family! I may have felt like giving up but I never not ONCE gave up! Just like the story of Job who lost everything God remained faithful! I was reminded of this scripture soon after I posted my freedom on Facebook. It's a beautiful scripture of God remaining faithful. 

“The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.

After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭42:12, 16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Whomever is reading this, wherever you are in your life. GOD IS FAITHFUL! He sent his Son to die on the cross to save us from a world of sin and sorrow. His blood shed that day covered all the heartache and pain we would feel! The day He arose is a reminder that GOD IS FAITHFUL! Remain faithful my friend. Remain faithful! 

; This story isn't over yet! It's just beginning! 

I am Redeemed 

By Big Daddy Weave 

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son

Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy

Named by the voice of my shame and regret

But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"

I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me

'Cause his day is long dead and gone

Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be

Jesus, I'm not who I used to be

'Cause I am redeemed

Thank God, redeemed

 

Double minded. Random thoughts of a manic depressive.

It's taken me a lot of courage to speak out about living life with bi polar. Scared of what people may think and how people will see me afterwards. But how can I bring awareness to mental health by living in a bubble. 

Living in the funk is what I call it. There really is no balance. Life can change in a matter of seconds and your happy cheerful mood is replaced with feeling blah and blue. There is a pretty consistent pattern of highs and lows yet sometimes you are plagued with an Intolerable amount of negative emotions. 

Here I am now. Faced with the dark cloud. It's come over me like a thunderstorm on a summer day. It was just sunshine and blue skies outside. Why must I feel this way? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't get a grip. Sinking further and further down. It's days like these that I wish I could stay in bed. But instead I have to put on my happy face and get out in the world. Days like the past few days where I don't know who I am. I feel yuck. Struggling. To hold my eyes open bc the negative emotion drains me and I feel exhausted mentally. 

I drag myself up and down outta bed every night to comfort crying babies. Lord are you sure this is the life for me I ask? I tear up from all the screaming.. Crying babies overwhelm my mind. But I stay strong and comfort them back to sleep. One at a time. Then comes morning.. 

Another day.. Another day to come where I drag myself out of bed. Lacking the energy and motivation I need to get up. I'm seriously wishing I could just wrap myself in a bubble right now. But I'm a mom, a wife and advocate for life. I must get up and put on my happy face. If only I could find my happy place in life again. I know this won't last long. But it seems like forever. I. Can't. Even. Think. Straight. 

You see bipolar type 2 is known for its depressive state. The highs and lows fluctuate even being on medication it still fluctuates. Things would be alot worse if I wasn't on meds you see. Most of the time when we here bipolar with think of a crazy person going off the deep end. A person of mood shifts and angry outburst, tons of relationships and impulsive spending. This however describes the manic part of bipolar. We don't hear a lot of the depression associated with being diagnosed with such disorder. But for me the depression is what I'm hit hard with. It happens for NO REASON! Coming every couple of weeks. The battle is real and without warning..

Life suffers when I am faced with this episode. That's what it is an episode. It is short lived but heavily onset. Going from highly motivated to sluggish and slow to role all within a matter of minutes. 

How to deal? I pray a lot and talk to the Lord. I get my strength from Him to endure the challenging times ahead. I rely on my devotions to uplift me. I surround myself with positive motivated people. I lean on close friends to speak life to me. I'm not very verbal about it but those that are around me know when this strikes. I let things go that I'm normally on top of. Laundry piles up. My house is a hot mess..(well hot mess for normal) I don't wash my hair for days and I avoid mirrors at all cost. The struggle with losing baby weight is high on my radar so it's a big disaster some days. I just wake up each day with a decision to over come the what seems like impossible state of mind. I exercise daily and always start out dreading it but leave feeling accomplished. My diet has a lot to do with the severity of my depression too. If I eat high fat, carb overload and unhealthy stuff I feel weighed down. But if my diet is wholesome my mood is elevated some. I try to get good sleep at night but with the twins that's near impossible since moving them to their beds. I choose to recognize and cope. I deal with the emotions running through my mind. Some days I recluse to my house. I'm quiet to talk and you may not hear from me for days. I tune out life. 

It's a battle. But it's not what defines me. I'm only human and sometimes life is just messed up. We are dealt the cards but how we choose live regardless of obstacles says a lot about our inner integrity and character. 

For now I drink my spark and  get dressed for the day to come! It's Wednesday and today is spin! I have folks counting on me to motivate! It keeps me going! 

Here's to random thoughts and living a double minded kinda life. I wonder how many others struggle with this bc it's frowned upon in society to even discuss it out loud. 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness. That's a lot of people! Becoming aware of our emotions and not being controlled by them is what we can do to be different! Being supportive to one another and realizing that sometimes just having an understanding ear is all that person needs. 

For now I'll continue fighting the lowest of lows and striving to make it to the top of the mountain! Today I'll be me! The best version of me I can be. 

Let Freedom Ring!!

Today is the day we celebrate freedom for our country. We celebrate and remember those that gave their life for our freedom. Today I celebrate with you but In a whole new way. I celebrate with you the freedom of life. The freedom of circumstances. What does the term freedom really mean? We can throw the word around all day today but let's look at the definition...

Freedom as Google defines-

free·dom

ˈfrēdəm/

noun

1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

   "we do have some freedom of choice"

   • absence of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government.

     "he was a champion of Irish freedom"

     synonyms:

     independence, self-government, self-determination, self-rule, home rule, sovereignty, nonalignment, autonomy; democracy "revolution was the only path to freedom"

   • the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

     "the shark thrashed its way to freedom"

     
     
     

     The synonyms given for the term freedom are liberation, Liberty, deliverance. We have been delivered. But let's take it a step further. What is it in life that has you imprisoned? Held captive? Is it finances? Relationships? Addiction? Spiritual turmoil? The list goes on. For me this time last year I was held prisoner by my circumstances. I let them take over me and control my mind for so long. It's easy to fall into the trap of imprisonment of life and chaos when we are attempting to walk alone. We let the weight of the world sink into us. We become victims of our own choices and decisions. We feel like slaves to our jobs, households, marriage or children. But it doesn't have to be this way.  Today we celebrate freedom. Most think of the 4th of July as one big party or fireworks. But for some of us freedom is defined as a personal victory. It's defeating the odds. It's defeating cancer. It's overcoming grief of a loved one. It's defeating the need to please and to be comfortable in our own skin. It's celebrating freedom from depression or anxiety that had us gripped by the neck. We all share something in common. We chose to overcome.  My devotion this morning spoke of not letting our battles become who we are. "The truth is, we get to choose whether or not we will remain a victim. We can’t change what happened to us yesterday but we can decide where we will go from here." "We can either continue to focus on the obstacles and find excuses that will keep us stuck in the conditions and mindsets that perpetuate our sense of victimhood, or we can stand up, take responsibility for what is ours, and walk towards freedom and healing." Words spoken so true! She goes on to give the example of the paralyzed man for 38 years that for years kept throwing every excuse for his problems.

     When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” How many of us are just like this man? We feel captive by our emotions and situations but really what we need is for Jesus to tell us to GET UP! Get up and move!  We do not have to be held captive! We can be free. Free to worship. Free to praise and free to live the life God intended us to live!  Today celebrate your freedom through Jesus! Not only celebrate the country's declaration from independence but celebrate your freedom through Jesus Christ! Break free from the chains that are holding you down! No more putting on your happy face but put own your armor everyday to defeat the battles of life. Wherever you are today you may be happy, sad or mad. But choose your definition of freedom. Let it ring! Listen to Martina Mcbrides song Independence Day. Let it be your soundtrack for the day! Celebrate life. Celebrate YOU! You are worthy friend!

     ‭ ‭ John‬ ‭5:6-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

July. The month of unexplained promises and Mental Health awareness . Part 1 of my story.

July is the month that last years brought many promises and changes in our life. I'll never forget this certain week in general. I had gone on a Monday to visit a dear friend. Something felt off but I figured it was just time for my cycle.. We laughed and carried on for a couple of hours and before I left I joked about wanting to be pregnant. 

Tuesday came. No cycle. 

Wednesday came. July 15 2015  I'll never forget that day. I felt odd. Something was up. I'm late for my cycle. Could it be?? NOOOO it's just not the right time in my life right now. It's filled with chaos and turmoil and the fear of the unknown. A few minutes later I drove to Walgreens. We didn't have much money at the moment so I may have spent our last $20 on a pregnancy test. I hurried home. 

Waiting. Waiting. I prayed "Lord if this be your will for my life right now I'll accept whatever result pops up." 

There it appeared. Pregnant. Excitement filled my insides for several minutes. Then I sent the pic to my hubby. "Is that real?" He asked. "Yep!" I replied. Then just sat in awe. Wow Lord are you sure about this? I mean my life is so unpredictable right now. That's when he spoke to me clear as day and said "My child I promise you everything will be alright! You are going to be a mom again and will be here to raise your children." That was a promise. I felt peace and the giddiness took over followed by fear. The devil started playing mind games with me. Telling me others would think I was crazy to bring a child into the world right now with my situation. The questions of my future, prison, court, the battles were real. 

Later that day I received an email from my attorney Tracy. He informed me we had been denied a motion that could have been a breaking point in my case. I was so discouraged. Here I am newly pregnant with a future not looking so bright. I felt deep down everything would be ok but the facts of not knowing we're just stinking reality. 

It was a few days later that I realized being denied that motion was a sign. It happened the very day that the Lord spoke promises to me. This child was no mistake and most importantly was given to me in a time of dyer need to feel loved and wanted again. 

I don't speak of these things often. For fear of what others would think but I will not hold back any longer. I went into this pregnancy a different person than I was with my first. I was a depressed, manic type 2 bi polar diagnosed woman struggling. I decided to come off my medicine since I found out I was pregnant. 

Not a good idea. Almost 3 weeks into my pregnancy I could barely drag myself out of bed. I was in such a dark pit. Questioning everything. I went to my psych doctor and saw my OB dr and told them what the deal wAs. Soon after I started back on my medicine. Took almost a month to gain myself back. Bad choice there. I'm type two Bipolar which means instead of long periods of mania I suffer from long periods of the depressed state. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain. Not self diagnosed but noticed by my therapist I saw for 2 years. This my friends is real life. So many folks we know struggle and suffer in silence. I want to break that silence. 

No longer embarrassed to know that mental health is a real thing. I ran from it for far too long. Scared to End up like my mother. Found out It's also genetic. My mom and my my brother had it. I surely hope to not pass it down to my children. I don't wish this madness on anyone. But after years of impulsive spending, relationships and decisions I've finally got a grip on my life. When I feel the darkness gripping me I pray harder. I mean on my redeemer to bring me out of the pit! 

July I learned A lot that month. I learned to accept myself for who I am. I learned that the Lord gives us promises in specific ways. I learned to start speaking up and being real with my emotions. I learned that the next 9 months would be the hardest 9 months of my life! Only to have a surprise thrown in there halfway during it. Stay tuned to more promises the Lord showed me. How God has a since of humor and how I dealt with pregnancy, mental health disorders and tragedy all wrapped into one big basket. 

God bless. 

I

 

 

When you change your mind, you will change your life.

 

I read a blog a few minutes ago about a post of God giving you more than you can handle. So many of us, myself included tend to use that phrase "God will never give us more than we can handle." It's thrown around during trials and struggles and we just shove it down people's heads like we have nothing else to say. I guess because it just sounds good and we don't know what else to say. 

I ate these words over the past few years. I learned that God will give us or allow us to be given more than we can handle. More than we can stand or bear. There will come a time in your life when you are dealt a nasty deck of cards. Your struggle may not be the same as your friends or co workers. It may not feel the same as another time of struggle. But it will come. We are human. Life sucks sometimes. The older we get in life the more we will see many things and see our loved ones hurt. 

Death of a loved one. 

Addiction. 

Eating disorders. 

Car wrecks. 

Natural disasters. 

Divorce. 

Sick kids. 

Sick parents. 

Being falsely accused of a crime. (Based on my personal experience!) 

The list goes on. The pain cuts deep and the struggle is real. 

Yes bad things happen. This is only a minut example of them. This has been you or may be you one day dealing with a certain situation. The problem in today's world is how we react to hard times. Most of the time it's easy to just give up and give in. Giving in to those feelings of poor me. I've been through so much in this lifetime. We become focused on the negative in life and can't see past it when something positive happens. What we feed our mind will change our heart. It runs our lives. If you feed on the negative you will be in a constant state of depression. Depression is a real thing y'all! It can be a side effect of hormones, your circumstance or a chemical imbalance in your brain. But it's real. It's given life when you allow what's going on to have power over you. When you are clinging to your own energy and self instead of clinging to the cross. 

Hundreds of thousands of Christians battle with depression everyday. I myself have fought depression my whole life. But here recently after taking back over my life and mind I've come to realize that depression lies deep within us and can beat us up only if we allow it too. Only if we are fighting the battle by ourselves. 

When we let go and let God life appears to us in a different manner. We can breathe again, sleep again and enjoy life again. Another saying we here all the time. What is it like to truly let go? That's another topic for a different day. But no seriously.. If we learn, teach ourselves to truly trust in the Lord life is much more peaceful. It is a daily taught lesson to learn to do. You won't get it overnight! Took me 3 years to really learn how to trust God. 

I battled this for the past 3 years as I was fighting a battle that I could never see the end coming. I never knew what life was going to bring me and lived in a degree of uncertainty. It was not a way to live. But it was reality during that time. 

People would tell me God won't leave me or give me more than I could handle. But I found this to be inaccurate. I was given more than I could imagine in a lifetime. I was dealt a crappy deck of cards. But it only was a season of life. I learned so much about myself and about my faith during the past couple of years. I learned to change my way of thinking and that if we wake up with a positive attitude regardless that life will be much calmer. 

We control our thoughts. We control the way we think. Our mind is a powerful tool. Did you know that you can decide how you are going to think that day? Try it. Wake up and no matter how groggy, how tired you are tell yourself today is going to me AWESOME! This can affect your life forever. 

Today no matter your circumstance know that God loves you and He is the ONLY one that will and can bring you through it. You are a child of the Lord and he will never leave you nor forsake you. 

Today change your mind to love yourself again. Today appreciate your struggle bc through it God will get the glory. He will get the glory bc you trusted in Him during  the hard times. You will love yourself more if you are your own personal cheerleader! 

Let go and let God! Never say God won't give us more than we can handle bc in the end He will and hearing that is by far the most non comforting sentence you can say to someone. Just saying. 

Have a blessed day. 

 

My story. Life after tragedy! The questions I have answers to!

So the other day I started writing the rest of my story by sharing the end of it first. I have so much to say regarding those circumstances, but will write that at another time. Here's what happened after the verdict and where I am today. 

The night of February 19, 2016 was a night I had forgotten about. It was calm. It was silent. You could here a pin drop and hear my heart pound. Still stricken with panic even after I was given the not guilty verdict by 12 strangers. It was a restless night. Replaying the last 4 days over in my mind. Still scared that at any moment I was going to disappear into a strange cold cell. Fear. That's all it was. My therapist said it was normal to suffer such anxiety after a huge trauma in my life. So this went on for 4 nights in a row. Me nor my husband slept at all. I was exhausted and by this time 36 weeks pregnant with our twin girls. Something had to give. 

Finally some rest a week after the verdict. Finally sleep. Finally a night of being somber and full of peace. Why had the Lord allowed such a tragic thing to take over my life? Why me? Why my family? The hurt the anguish. But then that one day finally came after. Peace that surpasses all understanding. The scripture I clung to during the last 3 years finally made sense. I finally felt peace and tasted freedom again. The hymn victory in Jesus played on my mind. 

Soon after things returned to our new normal I had a sweet dear friend of mine, my sons preschool teacher give me a beautiful painting. With a song Free to worship by Eddie James written on the back of it. Oh the tears I cried listening to that song! If you have never heard it please go listen to it now. Tears of pure joy. What a precious soul to paint such a brilliant picture for me during the hardest trial id ever encountered. Here's a snapshot of that painting! I tried taking a picture but my camera is full! Figures! 

It was that song that brought my mind back to reality and help me process everything that had gone on the past week! So thankful for all the friends that supported me and prayed for me during that time! 

March 7th 2016 at 12:49 we welcomed our first baby girl Kennedy Mae into the world and 1 minute later her sister Kailyn Ruth came into the world! My precious miracle gifts from the Lord. Here's my family that day. 

These pictures reflect Gods master plan! We live the blue print but he's got the hard copy of our lives planned out hair by hair and beat by beat! Both of our girls were healthy! I made it to 38 weeks and 3 days without being dilated one centimeter after all the stress of the trial! Incredible! He was with me the entire time. The times I felt mistaken, depressed, used and forgotten He was there! Always! 

I mean what are the odds of having twins?! Randomly! Spontaneously!? With my circumstances?? It was not the ideal situation. But I said from the beginning this is Gods promise to me. And he fulfilled that promise. ❤️ 

Here are some questions people have asked me I thought I would share. 

Where am I today??

Busy!! My baby girls are 3 1/2 months now! Life is crazy busy! Monday through Friday we are all at the Ymca working out. This keeps me sane! Soon after I started working out there a position to teach fitness classes came available! My love for spin has always pushed me. Here I am today teaching spin class every Wednesday morning at 9 am! Such a blessing! Getting paid to do what I love most! Never thought in a million years I'd get the opportunity to pursue my dreams but they door opened and I gladly took it! Thanks Ann and Catherine for having faith in me and giving me this chance! Not only will it help whip me in shape and keep me accountable but it also allows me to encourage and motivate others! My favorite part! 

Do I still have my nursing license? 

Yes, though it's temporally suspended due to situation and I need to get that taken care of this year sometime. I still am/ will be a nurse, an RN forever! It's in my soul down deep. I miss it terribly. But it's a door God has chosen to close for now. 

Will I ever nurse again? 

Later when the kids are all in school I may go back to school to become a nurse practitioner or will get a clinic job with good hours. But it will be a long time if I ever go back. Being stung puts a sour taste in my mouth for a while. 

Do I forgive the two co workers and nurses that made those accusations against me? 

Yes I forgave them a long time ago. I was bitter for a long time until I realized what was keeping me that way. I forgave both he and she. I'll never understand why I was used as an example in the medical field. Coworkers are not always true friends. Learned that the hard way. But I pray that they saw Jesus through all of this and that their hearts closer to the Lord. 

Why didn't I testify? I planned on testifying that Friday morning. I had pushed myself up to do so. I wanted them to hear my side. My attorney suggested not doing so. I listened to him. 

Did the doctors charge for their testimony? No. None of the doctors on my side charged me anything. A huge blessing bc we had already spent thousands of dollars related to this. I think this spoke millions about them. They did it out of the goodness of their hearts and spoke the truth. 

Do I watch the news? I finally can again. Very seldom do I bc they blasted my name for the world to see and didn't think twice about it. I cringe and feel sorry for every person I see shared across social media. You never get the whole story! So quit sharing articles you read folks! They only hit the highlights that sell! 

Why cleaning houses? 

I love to clean! I'm good at it! And it's easy money! It's a ministry in itself to serve and help other families live a better non cluttered kind of life! ❤️

These are several questions I've gotten over the past few months! If you have a specific question email me and I'll write about it! My life is open book. I truly believe it's being used to glorify my God and to shine a light in the darkness! 

Life now is full of changing diapers, babies crying, chasing a 4 year old, fixing dinner, meal prep, healthy lifestyle changes, running, cleaning Houses, AdvoCare, classes at the Ymca and going to church! I still clean a few houses on the side and love my AdvoCare! It's been a total blessing through all of this! Food on the table kind of blessing! So yeah.. Everyday is like a box of chocolate! You never know what your gonna get! :) 

Have a blessed day! 

 

 

 

My Story. The verdict. Gods Mercy revealed. Part 3

3am Restless. Can't sleep. It's been a long week. I'm 35 1/2 weeks pregnant and this week has not been a normal week for this pregnant mama. Every minute passing is torture. Sheer question. Doubt. Fear... Of the unknown. My life right now was an open book. But the pages were about to turn.. 

February 19, 2016 

8am No ordinary morning. The house is chill. Mood is ominous. I get dressed. Put on makeup to hide the exhaustion and fear in my eyes. Everyone has said this week I've been so strong. So courageous. They don't see me on the inside. Gripped by fear and grasping peace at the same time. Who and what have I become? 

8:15 I get a text from my attorney asking me to meet him early that morning. Running late but I'll be there in 30 minutes. I wish I had known to go there earlier than planned. 

8:45 We arrive at the courthouse. This is no ordinary place. This is the place where my life is in the hands of the world. Until I'm reminded by my mother in law that no child.. Your life is in the arms of the Lord. 

Shuttering with a chill I walk into the courtroom. I've accepted the fact that today is the day. The day my voice will be heard. Today I will Speak! It wasn't until some 5 minutes later that I was informed I would not be testifying that morning. This came as a surprise. Don't they need to hear my side. I need to prove my innocence. What If the jury thinks I'm guilty bc I don't speak. 

So many thoughts fill my head. But this was best decided by my attorney and He was in control of this case. 

The conference room was stuffy. Filled with the smell of coffee. It was me, my attorney, Dr Stogner and Wesley Medical Centers attorney in that room that morning. We continued to talk right until the judge walked in. 

9am.. My mind has shut down.. Everything from these past couple days have completely worn me down emotionally. I sit here. Pregnant. Huge. Expecting two.. Not one precious lives. Why me Lord.? Why? I look across the room.. It's quiet. 

And there they sit.. 12 strangers. 12 people I've never seen before. 12 lives with opinions, hearts, minds and souls. Who are they? Why were they chosen. Yep. They are the chosen few. To sit in on my case.. Their faces blank. I can't see emotion. They listen intently and do not budge. Back n forth we go. 

I dunno the time by now but when Dr Stogner took the stand for me that morning there was a feeling of peace rush over me. This dr who I had worked for years ago, who doesn't remember me, came to speak and testify on my behalf for free. FREE! He didn't charge us some 20k later for a response we wanted to hear. He spoke the truth that morning. He explained facts. He was incredible! I'll be forever thankful for that man sitting in the stand that morning for me. 

1230.. I think. My brain is fried by now.. Closing arguments have come and gone. Such cruel words spoken against me. The attorney generals office and lawyers are fierce and hungry ready to seek and devour like a lion. They are evil demons seeking to destroy me at whatever cost. 3 years we have waited for this week to come. They have nothing but words. Words spoken against me. Nothing concrete. Nothing hardcore. Nothing in stone. Just words. But these words have forever changed my life. 

After closing arguments we broke for lunch and then after that the jury would be presented with some rules.. Rules of making a decision. A decision that they were to agree upon. I force myself to eat bc I feel sick. My blood sugar had dropped and between that and my nerves I felt weak. I must take care of these babies I kept telling myself. Praying every second of the way. I finally broke down.. I was alone. Room felt dark. The crazy thoughts invoked my mind. What if I'm guilty? What if I'm guilty? Lord what if they find me guilty? My mother in law and husband found me trembling in the conference room. They gripped me and held on tight. I cried and cried hard. The what ifs just clouded my mind that very moment. What if???? Mercy Jesus I plead for your grace right now. 

Back in the courtroom my heart is racing. Fear. Doubt. Worry. I'm stricken by them all. Can I just run away? I need to breathe by this point. Rules were given to the jury. Final thoughts given by the judge. I'm not quite sure what else went on those few hours to come. All I know is that at 3pm 12 strangers went into a private room to talk about me. 

The most heart wrenching, grueling few hours. I visited with my family and friends that had come to support me. Wanna find out who your true friends are? Wanna find out who has your back in times of trouble? Be accused of a crime. Be accused of MURDER! Because people will RUN!!!! They are scared of sufferings, hard times. The people you think will be there for you are the ones that are the most distant to non existent. But that's a whole other topic. 

I tried to hold it together. Every second. Every minute was one minute closer to the Verdict. The answer. The words that would either make or break the rest of my life. 

And then.. The knock.. They are DONE. Omg! It's 5pm. Chills rolling down my spine! I glare at my husband! I cling to my chair. This is it. Lord please I beg you. 

The judge had the jury lasy speak and say they had unanimously came to a decision. Could this be good? Could it be bad? I just have no idea. But here it comes. 

The circuit clerk Martin took the paper. This guy I played with as a child on the playground. I grew up with him and now my life was literally in his hands. Literally there are either one or two words on that piece of paper. My heart is racing. I can't think straight. I may pass out. I pray continuously.. 

He read "Not Guilty". I gasped in relief. Hands in my face I cried. I sat there in a daze. I could here my family and people in the room crying with joy but I could not move. Those two words.. That's it? Just those words is all we came here for? I'm free. Lord I'm free! I stand up and give my attorney the biggest hug of thank you! I can't believe it's over. 3 years of hell and torment over my head was finally over. NOT GUILTY! I played it over and over in my mind. God you have shown up and shown out! Thank you Lord for loving me. Your plan is the master plan and I'm sorry for not trusting you more. So many thoughts running through my mind. 

Of course the media is here. The local paper interviewed my attorney while I hugged my family and friends. When out of no where the patients sister came over to me and apologized for everything. She insisted on telling me she never thought I did anything wrong to her brother. She hugged me and said it was just a bad deck of cards I was dealt and the AG were just doing their job. She apologized a few more times and told me how much she appreciated all I did to help try to save her brothers life. I told her how much that meant coming from her after all this time. I stand amazed. 

Then 10 minutes later from that very moment.. It's like nothing had ever happened.. Here we were headed to pick up our son from my nanas and head home. For the first time in 3 years I could go home in peace. It was a weird feeling I'm not gonna lie. Took 4-5 days to quit having nightmares and restless nights but I finally was able to get some sleep. 

Our phones lit up with calls and texts.. Not guilty I wrote. Over and over. Apparently it's hit the media I told my hubby because everyone knows already. That's ok I said bc Justice prevailed today and Gods mercy filled that courtroom! Here's to freedom. You never know how much to appreciate your freedom until it's threatened to be taken away. Live each day as if it's your last. Let my life light up your hard times. 

For we Serve a mighty Savior and for that He Lives! 

NOT GUILTY. Still so surreal! I thank the Lord everyday for my life he's given me back! Don't look back on yesterday. Push through to tomorrow! Love in the present!

This picture is hard to look at but they say a picture is worth a thousand words.