My Story. A renewed spirit after being broken. I'm free!

Hello to you all. It's been several months since we have spoken. The girls are napping this Sunday morning so it's time to share. So much has gone on I really don't know quite where to start. So I'll give you a brief summary of events following My last post back in June. See I'm a manic depressant and I tend to write more when I'm on a high of life. My mind runs so quickly that the only way to settle my thoughts is to write them out. That was my state of mind after having my twins back in March this year. I came home roaring and ready to go. Counting the days until I was able to go outside and back to the gym to start my journey back to a healthier mama. This was only the beginning of a blur of a few months. 

It was around July the girls were around 4 months that I noticed my energy declining and mood shifting. See after every hypomanic episode comes a season of darkness. But the lows usually only lasted no more than a month and I was beginning to prepare myself for the next few weeks. Dr visits, counseling sessions and adjustments with my medications. A month came and went, my activity level started to drop, my obligations started to fade away and my life perception was altered. Something wasn't right. I was not ok. 

August came and I was struggling. The twins were 5 months and were growing so fast. Days and nights were a blur and my days were just running together. I couldn't keep up. I was tired. From cleaning houses, working out, teaching spin classes and maintaining a family I was stretched to my limit. How did I get this way? Well back during my hypomanic episode after the girls were 2 months I took on a tad too many responsibilities. But I had energy for days and major focus! However that time had came and gone. I now found myself in the pit of depression, exhausted and aching from head to toe. But this was no regular depression. I was irritable, my patience wore thin with my kids, I was having several occasions of irrational thoughts, I found myself telling God I couldn't be the mom He wanted me to be, I felt like a failure and just quite frankly was ready to throw in the bucket. 

 

No one tells you about this part of life. No one tells you it can hit you at anytime, any second or any day. See they wanna keep things covered up so that what you see on social media is how things "really are." But I'm here to tell you life is real. This is real. It is real. What is it?? 

Postpartum depression. It hit me like a massive sack of bricks around 5 months. I guess for a long time I was in denial. I just figured I was going through a low with my illness. It wasn't until a few articles and my husband suggesting it that I came to realize what I was dealing with was not my normal. Nothing was helping, nothing was getting better. I was a month and a half in and in the darkest place of my life. I felt like I was outside my body just going through the motions. Inside me was like fighting a demon. Seriously this may sound crazy coo coo but I was in a battle. A spiritual battle within my body, heart and mind. I didn't want to take care of myself, much less care for my 4 year old, 6 month old twins or my husband. What I did do took all the energy and willpower I had. Pale skin, dark eyes and a weeping spirit I knew that I could not function like this much longer. I couldn't bare to live in this state. Some days I just couldn't even deal. Iwas coping in ways that were outta control. My life was falling apart and I couldn't pick up the pieces. Everyone around me was suffering. My poor babies needed their mama and she wasn't there, not the way she needed to be. Something needed to change. I was in a bad place. 

So I got help. The hardest thing to do in life is admitting our weaknesses and asking for help. But I didn't ask for help, I begged for it. I cried out to my God to save me from this pit. 4 days away from the ones I love was the hardest time of my life. Feeling like a failure I continued going through the motions. But God knew what he was doing. He was still in control through all of this. The first day of my stay my nurse looked familiar. Come to find out we had worked together when I was fresh out of nursing school. First time I felt Gods presence in weeks. Second thing that happened and still gives me chills is this: I walked up to the nursing station to talk to my nurse. She told me "that I reminded her so much of a friend she went to high school with." I kinda shrugged it off but she said it a second time so I went on to ask " Well who's your friend? Where did you go to high school?" She then proceeded to tell me the name Sandra Dixon ajnd Oak Grove High school. My eyes fixed on her and my heart skipped a beat. "That's my mama." (Whom passed away some 16 years ago) Wow. God had sent me my own angel to care for me those two days. I'll never forget it. See he knows our days and has them planned ahead of time. He knew where I'd be that day and time and ordained a God given meeting. Soon afterwards my spirit began to lift. It was definitely an experience those 4 days. I'll never forget them. I came home ready to take on the world again. Healing one day at a time. New perspective. Well that lasted 24 hours. Friday morning I woke up feeling down again and would continue feeling that way until a week or so later. 

 

With continued, hard prayer and a good nights rest I finally woke up one morning feeling refreshed. I went for a walk one Thursday afternoon and that my friend has been 5 weeks ago. That walk changed my life. It was nothing special but it was breathing fresh hair and the Holy Spirit renewing my soul. 

It's been a day by day kind of healing but it's healing. Healing from pit of darkness, healing from the post partum depression and healing from fighting that inner demon within me. I'm so thankful I didn't give up and most importantly that He didn't give up on me. For the past 3 years I had endured pain and heartache with periods of depression but had NEVER experienced anything like this before. I guess time finally caught up with me. My finely trimmed and groomed outside appearance of life had finally became transparent. Satan beat me and beat me but never defeated me. He knew something BIG was around the corner and didn't want me around to be part of it. 

 

Two weeks ago after a month of attempting contact the nursing board met regarding my license. They would determine if it would be reinstated or not. A HUGE day! If you don't know he other part of my story check out Part 3 below. They met on a Tuesday. My attorney and I emailed back and forth regarding it but no word until Thursday morning. I had just dropped off my son at preschool and was headed home. I checked my email while waiting at a redlight and when I read it I bout rear ended the truck in from of me. It went on to tell me that they had decided to reinstate my license and that my file would have nothing negative on it and no restrictions on my license. I started balling my eyes out. Wow! This is it! This is the last part of this chapter of my life! All that I've been through was for this VERY MOMENT! God spoke peace into my heart that second and said "Be still and know that I am God." I been still Lord for far too long and what a blessing to be shown grace and mercy. I gave him all the honor and praise. That day I declared victory over my life. Another burden removed from life. Here I was a sinner saved by Grace living His testimony of faith right then. 

This picture shows it all. It's the last piece of this miserable puzzle of the past 3 years of my life! I can finally breathe and rest at night fully! 

People say God won't give you more than you can handle but that's not accurate. God will allow way more than you can handle or bear. During that time is when He is molding and creating you into the person that He wants you to be! Through trials, loss, struggles, and defeats He is always there. When you feel he is gone He is there. When you are at the end of your road He meets you there. When you can't get out of bed in the mornings He lifts the sheets and pulls your legs out from under the covers!! God is there! He's is REAL YALL! He is faithful when we remain faithful! 

During those hard couple of months postpartum I encountered I stayed steadfast in my bible. I read it daily. I studied it. I wrote out my prayers. The enemie never ceased! The days my prayers were stronger he fought harder. The days I couldn't bare to hang on he kept stepping on my fingers. But I continued to pray and plead the name of Jesus over my life and my family! I may have felt like giving up but I never not ONCE gave up! Just like the story of Job who lost everything God remained faithful! I was reminded of this scripture soon after I posted my freedom on Facebook. It's a beautiful scripture of God remaining faithful. 

“The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.

After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭42:12, 16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Whomever is reading this, wherever you are in your life. GOD IS FAITHFUL! He sent his Son to die on the cross to save us from a world of sin and sorrow. His blood shed that day covered all the heartache and pain we would feel! The day He arose is a reminder that GOD IS FAITHFUL! Remain faithful my friend. Remain faithful! 

; This story isn't over yet! It's just beginning! 

I am Redeemed 

By Big Daddy Weave 

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son

Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy

Named by the voice of my shame and regret

But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"

I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me

'Cause his day is long dead and gone

Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be

Jesus, I'm not who I used to be

'Cause I am redeemed

Thank God, redeemed

 

Humbled through humility. Be still my soul part 4

The next day I went to meet with my manager and corporate administration at my current employer and just explained to them the situation and with a huge feeling of sadness turned in my resignation. The good thing about that meeting is they told me to come back after everything was over and I could have my job back. I thanked them as tears rolled down my face and left after giving a few dear coworkers hugs and said goodbye. 

I returned home and had been on the phone a lot that morning. Suddenly at 1pm my attorney called me and gave me the news that I just wanted to crumble to. The state had released a press statement and our local news channel had called the sheriffs department to get info. This was what I had tried to prevent! I wanted this to stay away from the public and protect my family's name. 

One hour later and I received a phone call from my best friend telling me to delete my fb account bc it had gone viral. Just within minutes a news article had struck my hometown and had just been blasted everywhere. News stations all over the country had received access and my face and name had then been crushed. Humiliation filled my heart and soul. I cried... I screamed.. Angry and hurt. Just flat out hurt to have such harsh words spoken about me and attacking my own personal characters! Not to mention the info was second handed and missing some key details. But hey news sales right?? 

That day I couldn't keep up with the calls and texts and visits from friends and family. More support than I had ever imagined. The prayers that washed over us and filled my heart again. 

I knew this journey was just getting started and I knew the only way I would survive was turning to God and letting the Holy Spirit completely take hold of my life. 

It says in his word that with humility brings wisdom and that is surely true and I will start to share everything I've encountered over the past year. Join me for this roller coaster of a ride and listen and learn how God has taken such a tragic event and given me many blessings and opportunities that are just en route to his master plan. 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. They hurt only if you allow them too. I've decided to stand my ground. Stand firm in faith and push forward. 

Goodnight and God bless. 

Down to my last cent. Be still my soul Part 2

Yesterday morning I woke up to find myself in the negative in my checking account. I just rolled my eyes and said Ok God. Thinking back to two years ago when money wasn't the problem. I had a job doing what I thought God had created me for, registered nursing. It had been my dream to help others after watching my mother die in my arms from a heart attack. I wanted to help protect and help other families prevent what had caused such an abrupt pain in my life. So for 7 years that's what I did. 

One of the benefits of working as a nurse to me was that the pay was good and you would always have a job I thought.. Financially we stayed ahead even though we had a debt to pay off but we were able to enjoy life and not so much struggle with our finances. I didn't want to struggle. I went my entire childhood struggling and I prayed a many nights that I would not end up the way my family was growing up. I think that's part of the reason I spent money so much was the fear of being without. That makes sense right?? Well just when I thought I had everything figured out and rolling through life with now my family of 3 and married to a man that I know loves me now more than ever, life happened. 

My career and dreams all came to a complete hault in the matter of one phone call on a sunny Monday February 24 2014. A call from an unfamiliar voice from an Unfamiliar number that shattered my world into pieces. 

That Monday my life flashed before my eyes and every part of my body went numb and I started floating from my mind. Why is this happening to me? This can't be real. What do I do? Dear Lord Help Me! 

That Monday a detective was on the other end of the phone telling me to report to a local county jail the following morning at 10am. He gave no details. His voice was stern and very nonchalant. I asked why.. He repeated to just be there at 10am. I said ok and the line went blank. 

This was not my average monday. I finished seeing patients early that day and got home around 12:45pm that day excited to be off early. I was working home health at the time and enjoyed the flexibility. But today was just not the normal day. 

I put my phone down. I sat in the chair. My face had no expression. My husband happened to be off that day and home. He immediately knew something was wrong. I told him I didn't know what was going on but I was going to jail. He didn't understand. The fear in our eyes. I said call our preacher. He called immediately and within 30 minutes he arrived. My mother in law came within a few more minutes. We all just sat there. I had little information I didn't know what to say. And then a phone rang. 

My mother inaw is by far one of the best in the world. She had made a phone.call to a friend in search of information about what was going on. It was her phone that rang. That call was the second call to shatter my entire world to pieces. She took the call and when she came back inside she was white as a ghost and told me this was serious. We needed an attorney. The state was charging me with second degree murder of a previous patient. 

MURDER?!?!?! Are you kidding me? ME??? I couldn't stop crying with anger and hurt. That afternoon we were given 3 attorney names and numbers. My husband and I got in our car and started driving. 2 of the 3 were either tied up or out of the office. It was the one God intended for us to have because he was in his office and agreed to meet with us. 

After explaining the situation to him. And after 10 thousand dollars later. He was now representing me in what has been the longest year of my life. 

Here's to a new Journey

Night has come and here I am alone. Ahhh the peace and quite. Yet so many things run through my mind of things to do. I could finish my book, The Best Yes. I could watch tv. But no here I go starting to write. I have a story to tell and im ready to do so. I'm by no means a writer but this is something I feel that God is leading me to do. I'm excited about this journey but more so nervous to open up and share intimate personal details with a bunch of strangers. However you will become like family to me. This is what I need to do to let you in on my crazy, hectic wonderful God made and centered life. 

I am a mom, a wife, a use to be registered nurse, I clean houses, run a business, cook, do laundry, attend church and try to remain faithful to this life God has given me. The past year we have encountered trials and circumstances bigger and harder than ever. Good thing is im here to tell you my story and what really happened! Stay tuned because this is the beginning of a Mom after Gods own heart.