Losing hope, building Faith.

Not the best of news today.. But my God is bigger than any of this and any of the emotions I'm going through right now. Definitely need some extra prayers right now. I cling to his mercy and grace and this scripture I pull into my heart. 

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

I wanna give up. I can't. I won't. My heart hurts. The future for me is unclear. 

I hold fast to these verses. 

Daniel 12:3 

“Those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the firmament, and those who turn many to righteousness like the stars forever and ever.”

Micah 4:4 

“But everyone shall sit under his vine and under his fig tree, and no one shall make them afraid; for the mouth of the LORD of hosts has spoken.”

Zephaniah 3:17 

“The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Malachi 3:16 

“Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD listened and heard them; so a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the LORD and who meditate on His name.”

 

Matthew 25:21 

“His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.”

1 Corinthians 2:9 

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

2 Peter 1:10-11 

“Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

1 John 3:2 

“Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.”

Revelation 21:4 

“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Breaking free from these chains. A war with Depression.

Its a Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday and I sit here reading and keeping my mind busy while my sweet boy takes a nap. Its been a very rocky, rough, jagged, crooked week. The kind of week that makes me want to run and hide and never come back. Nothing selfish or anything like that but simply just the reality of what my mind and body are going through and have been going through this past year, and for the course of my entire year. We sang this song at church Sunday and tears just welled up in my eyes and my heart trembled during during the entire song. Its by Mercy Me and called God with US.

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That's worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release from the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing

[Chorus]
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid
These chains are gone
Emmanuel God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

You can download it on iTunes or listen to it on Pandora. It plays often on K Love radio which is what I tune into everyday because I believe that its very important about what we feed our minds. Every now and again I listen to another local radio station to just hear some beats or catch a running jam. Anyhoo... where was I? Yes this week. 

Im 6 days away from court again. Court being a hearing with a new judge in the county and regarding motions my attorney filed to get the state disqualified and off of my case. I still don't understand all of the legal jargon nor have I attempted to much understand it because I didn't go to school to be a lawyer I got a degree in nursing and that's where my knowledge will always be. That's just how I feel about that.

For months now I have suffered from aches and pains really in my neck and shoulders, unexplained weakness in my muscles and tingling in my feet.  I went to the chiropractor because I longed so much to feel better and get back to normal. Well its been a few months of regular visits and im doing great in his eyes but the pain and misery are still there. He suggested I go see a dr because clinically his work is benefiting me according to my muscles and neck and alignment, per say. Well I didn't bother telling him that the stress in my life is contributing to life altering circumstances and that I had a nervous breakdown on the way to his office that Monday morning. No I just kept it all in and told him that I think stress is just to blame for all my muscle tension. I agreed to go to the dr. Matter of fact I had decided that once I leave his office im going to my NP office friend and seeing if she can help me figure out why I hurt so bad and can barely function in the mornings and hold my head up. During the initial visit with the nurse she probably thinks I'm nuts. Crying. Explaining my pain, heart racing, anxiety etc. She said sounds like depression... Well no duh Sherlock I've known I've been dealing with that for months now.. Years actually.. But to me that was just emotional stuff.. More of a mental type situation. Not physical.. My vital signs were perfect of course. They are just gonna think I'm losing my mind I thought. The nurse left and I cried again. Lord please help me. 

A few minutes later my friend comes in. Such a sweet spirit she is. She taught me in nursing school and I knew she was always going to be a blessing to me I just never knew how. Here I am in her office again just falling apart. My mind is tired. I just start crying and tell her I'm at the end and I don't know how much more I can stand. I'd rather go to check in to pine grove than to keep feeling this way. I explained all my pain, tiredness worry of stuff being wrong and my increase in anxiety. Midst the court date coming I knew that how I felt is different than ever. And it was. She showed me this chart. And that's when I realized it's all in my head but now it's become real and im living my emotions.

You see for years I've thought as depression as a mental illness. I've ran from it. Dealt with it but most importantly thought I understood it. Today I was wrong. No mri, no blood test nothing like that could address my problem. I'm in the green according to the diagram and to me that means I've hit rock bottom. I feel like I've lost myself. My sanity is up in the air and im just floating around this world. I looked at her and said I get it now. She prayed. I cried and soon my visit ended. Dr visit turned therapy session and free at that. God surely knows how to open my eyes. 

Yet my eyes still weren't open. I was so down that the light couldn't be seen. I went through the motions of my day but I struggled to pick my head up and could barely enjoy playing with B. B was my hero. He's my shining light and always brings such joy to me as being his mama does. But even that was lost. My body aches in pain. Im drained emotionally and physically. There isn't enough spark in the world right now to help wake me up!! So I went to bed praying for a miracle and so so tired and needing to sleep. 

Today I woke up feeling different but not better. Everything I did was intentional and prayed upon to just help me do better and feel better. 

Every Tuesday I drop B off at school and head to clean a friends house. I arrived as usual and decided instead of music that I would listen to my podcasts today like I normally do. I just felt the need to do so. 

Halfway through my second christian podcast which is based on a woman's personal testimony with depression I hear them say that when something is awesome around the corner that's when Satan is at his best to destroy you and that when you call out to God in prayer that it goes straight to the thrown of the Lord. I cried and looked up and said okay God I see this now. 

I may be battling depression because depression is a real live living thing. But my battle is much more than that. My battle is with evil. Satan who is main goal is to seek and destroy goes after those that he knows God is going to use and has plans for. This my friend is my battle. I may be experiencing a deep depression and feeling the physical pain and symptoms of it but it's only temporary! Satan is trying to use it to distract me. He wants me sad down and discouraged because he wants me to be apart from our God. But today I made a stand! I accept this depression as only temporary.  Because these feelings won't last and a victory is on its way! The closer we get to this victory the harder the enemy works to bring me down. He's using all these lies about me, my life, my healthy my marriage and anything surrounding be that I love and treasure. 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)"

But this to shall pass! God is good and he died to set me free from this pain and sorrow! 

I end with these two quotes because they speak truth! 

Thank you for joining me on this journey and bearing with my bipolar mind to get my thoughts out in some kind of order but being led by the spirit! 

If you are interested in the podcast I listened to today you can find it here at http://godcenteredmom.com/2015/04/13/a-naptime-diary-jessi-connolly-ep-68/

















 

Down to my last cent. Be still my soul Part 2

Yesterday morning I woke up to find myself in the negative in my checking account. I just rolled my eyes and said Ok God. Thinking back to two years ago when money wasn't the problem. I had a job doing what I thought God had created me for, registered nursing. It had been my dream to help others after watching my mother die in my arms from a heart attack. I wanted to help protect and help other families prevent what had caused such an abrupt pain in my life. So for 7 years that's what I did. 

One of the benefits of working as a nurse to me was that the pay was good and you would always have a job I thought.. Financially we stayed ahead even though we had a debt to pay off but we were able to enjoy life and not so much struggle with our finances. I didn't want to struggle. I went my entire childhood struggling and I prayed a many nights that I would not end up the way my family was growing up. I think that's part of the reason I spent money so much was the fear of being without. That makes sense right?? Well just when I thought I had everything figured out and rolling through life with now my family of 3 and married to a man that I know loves me now more than ever, life happened. 

My career and dreams all came to a complete hault in the matter of one phone call on a sunny Monday February 24 2014. A call from an unfamiliar voice from an Unfamiliar number that shattered my world into pieces. 

That Monday my life flashed before my eyes and every part of my body went numb and I started floating from my mind. Why is this happening to me? This can't be real. What do I do? Dear Lord Help Me! 

That Monday a detective was on the other end of the phone telling me to report to a local county jail the following morning at 10am. He gave no details. His voice was stern and very nonchalant. I asked why.. He repeated to just be there at 10am. I said ok and the line went blank. 

This was not my average monday. I finished seeing patients early that day and got home around 12:45pm that day excited to be off early. I was working home health at the time and enjoyed the flexibility. But today was just not the normal day. 

I put my phone down. I sat in the chair. My face had no expression. My husband happened to be off that day and home. He immediately knew something was wrong. I told him I didn't know what was going on but I was going to jail. He didn't understand. The fear in our eyes. I said call our preacher. He called immediately and within 30 minutes he arrived. My mother in law came within a few more minutes. We all just sat there. I had little information I didn't know what to say. And then a phone rang. 

My mother inaw is by far one of the best in the world. She had made a phone.call to a friend in search of information about what was going on. It was her phone that rang. That call was the second call to shatter my entire world to pieces. She took the call and when she came back inside she was white as a ghost and told me this was serious. We needed an attorney. The state was charging me with second degree murder of a previous patient. 

MURDER?!?!?! Are you kidding me? ME??? I couldn't stop crying with anger and hurt. That afternoon we were given 3 attorney names and numbers. My husband and I got in our car and started driving. 2 of the 3 were either tied up or out of the office. It was the one God intended for us to have because he was in his office and agreed to meet with us. 

After explaining the situation to him. And after 10 thousand dollars later. He was now representing me in what has been the longest year of my life.