Some days get so chaotic that it's like I've forgotten about that time I woke up to. I'll get I'll tempered, frustrated and find myself filled and consumed with the worry and doubts of life. But it's in the stillness of mornings like this that I can find my center and refill my soul with His word. So back to reflection....
I don't even know where to start. This time last Christmas I was big as a house carrying two babies that were to me, Gods Promises. At the time I lived in a world filled with uncertainty of their future. Would they be born to a life of freedom? Would their mom be part of their life? Would they be born into a world of chaos? Life was like living on the edge. It was a rollercoaster of a ride. If you aren't familiar with my story look back on my blog and read The verdict.
A new year began in 2016 full of faith and hope. These were two things in my life that were secure and unwavering. No one could take these away from me. The devil certainly tried but I stood firm with my feet planted on the ground. I was surrounded in life by people that loved me. People that prayed over me, fought for me and had hope in things not seen. They kept me grounded. My family and friends, well the friends that I had gained over the past 2 years, stood by my side in some of the darkest days yet to come.
February 16 crept up on me like a snail in the dirt. My living nightmare was coming to face me like a giant. 35 weeks pregnant with twins I walked into a courtroom facing the fears that struck me like lightening during a rain storm. 3 days of witnesses, evidence, or lack of is say, and motions that were just foreign to me, passed by with a blur. Media blasted me in the local newspaper. I faced each day listening to I trust in You by lauren Daigle. It gave me strength to face my giants.
February 19th came, the day of judgement. I came in that morning and just glared at the jury, fear struck me and my body went numb. Contractions were a lot more frequent this morning but according to the day before, my dr appt went smooth and I had not progressed one centimeter. I came prepared that morning to speak and give my testimony, but God had other plans. He had placed it on my attorneys heart apparently to take a different approach. I would no longer be speaking. Filled with relief and anguish at the same time I sighed a release of breath. The morning was long. So very long. After lunch came closing statements and by 3pm the jury would return to their room to decide the fate of my case. However I knew that this battle was already fought. Because the Lord promised to go before me.
5pm came. There was a knock. The answer was here. As I type this right now my body still shakes and trembles as I remember my emotions that very moment. Everything went quiet. The verdict had been handed to the judge. I couldn't tell by his expression. My heart was racing. I held on to my belly, praying, trembling with fear. Here it goes. The clerk Martin had it in his hands and as he read NOT GUILTY. I could hear the sighs and cries from afar. I buried my face in my hands. Tears flowed down my face. It's over. It's really over Lord. Two words changed my life forever. I gave my attorney the biggest hug of thank you and proceeded to find my family and was greeted with tears and hugs. Friends and family filled the courtroom that day and I'll never forget the love and support that week.
Of course I was found to be the on the front page of the paper that weekend. But this time I rejoiced and my heart praised Him. My father in law told me this was his most favorite picture of me. I couldn't look at it long bc emotions raged within. I was still in awe and shock of it all. I couldn't sleep for a few nights but finally got rest a few nights later. A night of sleep to recover what the past 3 years had taken away from me.
This friends is Mercy. This was a second chance to live a life not taken for granted. This was a new beginning. I would never be the same person again. I was redeemed and forever grateful.
As I continue to reflect.... The blessings just poured in.
We welcomed our baby girls Kennedy MAE and Kailyn Ruth March 7, 2016. Healthy baby, healthy mama. They were perfect. They were my gifts from the Lord. His promises fulfilled. My life would never be the same. They immediately brough such joy to our lives.
It's rumored that God won't place more on you than you can handle. However this is a false statement. Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days and SATAN tempted Him 3 times. But Jesus stood firm on the Word of God. Life will throw us curveballs. Life will be unbearable and you WILL be given more than you can handle or bear. It's at that moment in weakness that He makes you strong. On days when you feel you can't go on He picks you up and carries you. He carried me for 3 years. Not a day went by that I got up and walked alone. He too, will carry you my friend. All we have to do is Ask! On to more reflecting...
In May a dear friend of mine asked me about my nursing license and if I planned on returning to work. I laughed at the thought and didn't think one second of working with so much on my plate. Parenting twins is no joke! But something in the back of my mind had me start the process of reinstating my license. I figured it would be an easy process but boy was I wrong. After phone calls, emails and letters from my attorney, the board of nursing finally responded. It was some months later we received the date of October 11th for a hearing regarding my license. I was advised I didn't have to be present for that day. It was gonna be Another few months of waiting.
After having the girls in March I went into a state of hypomania. You see I'm a manic depressant and no I'm not ashamed. Mental illness has a history in my family. My mom and brother both suffered from this disorder. However they don't and didn't have the self awareness that I've got. I choose to get help and treatment. For 3 months I stayed busy and active and nonstop from teaching spin, cleaning houses and caring for my family. But something changed. Boy did it change. July came and towards the end of the month a huge cloud of darkness plagued me. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I had dealt with depression before but this was different. This went on for weeks and only got worse. I wouldn't shower for days or wash my hair. I had no strength for the gym and quit going altogether for the month of august. I completely shut down. I didn't want to take care of my family nor the girls. I wanted to just crawl into a hole and sleep. But I couldn't do that. So much now is a blur bc I wasn't in my right state of mind. September came and the darkness was too much to bear. Everyone around me was worried. I didn't know how much longer I could go on like this. I tried numbing the pain but it just came back stronger. I sought treatment September 15th for a couple of days to gain my life back. The longest few days ever. But God had already worked out the details. He was with me and my family that week. He stirred in my heart. I never quit praying and having my quiet time during those dark times.
Bipolar depression and post partum depression are no joke. Combined led to a hot mess. I felt so ashamed bc here I was free from chains and blessed with beautiful babies yet I couldn't shake this darkness. So many people suffer in silence. Ashamed to get help or reach out to someone they trust. I knew that if I didn't get help that I'd become another statistic and I knew in my heart that was not Gods plan. I was battling a physical and emotional and spiritual battle. I turned to Ephesians 6 many days in order to fight this battle. Many days of healing would take place before I'd regain myself again.
I started walking soon after and found it to be the best medicine. It made me feel alive again and gave me energy. I finally returned to the gym at the end of September. It was a gradual process. I was still battling my inner demons of self image and losing this baby weight. But the first step to health is becoming more active. Surrounding yourself with upbeat positive people is the second step. Back to reflecting...
October 11th finally came. I heard nothing. The following day.. nothing.
Thursday morning October 13th I received an email from my attorney. The board of nursing had granted my request for reinstatement! Praise the Lord!!! I was filled with excitement! That night I began looking at jobs just for the fun of it. No plan in sight. So I began the process online to get my license back. During my legal situation it had been temporarily suspended pending the verdict. They granted my license back with no restrictions nor discipline. This was such a blessing and another answered prayers. My patience had grown stronger and stronger.
Finally after weeks of waiting in November the Tuesday before thanksgiving I Checked the website one more time. To my surprise there it was. The word "ACTIVE" registered nurse. Oh to see those words. I stood amazed and in awe at Gods timing.
A few weeks back I had applied and sent in my resume into a company called Forward Health Solutions. Remember my friend back in May that had asked about me going back to work and what was going on with my license?? Well She's the reason I even had the back thought of what if. For the past 6 months or so they had been interviewing people for a part time position but had yet to fill this position. She had suggested to me to send in my resume and the following Monday I received a phone call. Followed by an interview I soon accepted the job offer. This was all Gods timing. They accepted me for who I was and my past didn't affect what the Lord had planned. He had led me to this place and was working out the details. Thank you Deanna for remaking faithful and persistent in nudging me in the right direction. Had you never mentioned nursing as an option back in May I'd never have initiated the process to regain my career. I'm so thankful for you and these new beginnings!
I've sat here for the past two hours writing to you and rambling. I've reflected on some of life's biggest moments for me this year. Looking back everything has been like a puzzle and all the pieces fit where they belong. I may not be exactly where I want to be but I'm definitely not where I use to be. God has me exactly where he wants me to be though and I'm trusting Him as he paves the way.
Hard times will come. We will experience loss, pain, rejection, struggles and doubt. We live in a dark world. But everyday we wake up we have a choice to be the light. Be the light that shines in someone's life. Share life's ups and downs with those you love and trust. Don't keep things bottled up inside. If you are struggling with your own battle of depression, seek help. And do it asap! God gave us wisdom and resources so we need to take advantage of those in times of need. You don't have to wallow in the darkness. You are made for so much more. I'm made for so much more than I give myself credit for.
I don't write this story for sympathy! I write it to share my testimony that God is on your side. Even when he feels the most distant he's there. He's real. My life is proof there is a living and breathing Lord! A Savior!
The older I get the wiser I become. The more Christmas really means to me. Sunday we celebrate Jesus's birth. God sent his only Son to save us from a world full of sin and darkness. How wonderful is that. All of the pain, hurt and defeat in my life has been washed away because my Savior was born. He bore all my sins and suffered for you and me. He is the only true medicine. He cleanses us and renews us. You can't truly experience life until your heart knows Him personally. I'm so thankful that I know Him and that he's been by my side this year, my whole life.
I pray that God uses me and my story for His honor and glory. I pray that he encourages you through whatever storm you are going through. I pray that He renews your mind and strengthens your heart.
Here's to a new year. 2017 I'm ready for you! I welcome you with open arms and excitement of what's to come. Mold me and make me into the person you created me to be.
He's turned my story into beauty from ashes.
God bless and Merry Christmas! 🎄
