There is Victory in Jesus. Part 1

I sit here this morning reading my bible and drinking my coffee to just allow God to search my heart and soul. Lord know that I'm far from perfect and have made so many mistakes in my lifetime. For so long I use to say one day I'll get my life together and do things right. So many years have slipped between my finger tips. Not so much regrets but so many what ifs??

I learned this weekend at marriage conference that we can no longer allow our past to dictate our futures. I hold true to this statement and declare a victory in my life. 

Reading the book of Ephesians this morning Paul speaks with such mercy and grace while being imprisoned. Who would have thought that a man that persecuted Christians would turn out to be such a man of God and to me one of the greatest writers in the Bible. It shows me that regardless of how things turn out in life that no matter the situation nor circumstance that the Lord will use all things to work for his good according to its purpose. 

I know that today in this court room that God will have his hand upon me and my family. I pray to him that his will be Glorified and that his power be made known. These days never get easier. My heart races. My thoughts crowd my mind. My body trembles. But somewhere in the midst of it all a peace fills my body and it's like the Lord says child I'm here with you. 

Psalm 46:10 says Be still and know that I am God. It's quoted so much in the world today but until you truly understand what being still means you just can't comprehend the power in our Jesus. He's merciful and gracious. He's sitting at the right hand of God on the thrown And already knows the outcome. He's waiting for us to fully trust him. 

This morning 1peter 3:7-9 course through my mind and heart and it's these verses I cling to for hope and grace. 

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-9 NIV)"

Though I have not seen, I know In my heart. I pray that later today I can write to you about my victory in Jesus and show you truly the power of prayer. 

Breaking free from these chains. A war with Depression.

Its a Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday and I sit here reading and keeping my mind busy while my sweet boy takes a nap. Its been a very rocky, rough, jagged, crooked week. The kind of week that makes me want to run and hide and never come back. Nothing selfish or anything like that but simply just the reality of what my mind and body are going through and have been going through this past year, and for the course of my entire year. We sang this song at church Sunday and tears just welled up in my eyes and my heart trembled during during the entire song. Its by Mercy Me and called God with US.

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That's worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release from the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing

[Chorus]
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid
These chains are gone
Emmanuel God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

You can download it on iTunes or listen to it on Pandora. It plays often on K Love radio which is what I tune into everyday because I believe that its very important about what we feed our minds. Every now and again I listen to another local radio station to just hear some beats or catch a running jam. Anyhoo... where was I? Yes this week. 

Im 6 days away from court again. Court being a hearing with a new judge in the county and regarding motions my attorney filed to get the state disqualified and off of my case. I still don't understand all of the legal jargon nor have I attempted to much understand it because I didn't go to school to be a lawyer I got a degree in nursing and that's where my knowledge will always be. That's just how I feel about that.

For months now I have suffered from aches and pains really in my neck and shoulders, unexplained weakness in my muscles and tingling in my feet.  I went to the chiropractor because I longed so much to feel better and get back to normal. Well its been a few months of regular visits and im doing great in his eyes but the pain and misery are still there. He suggested I go see a dr because clinically his work is benefiting me according to my muscles and neck and alignment, per say. Well I didn't bother telling him that the stress in my life is contributing to life altering circumstances and that I had a nervous breakdown on the way to his office that Monday morning. No I just kept it all in and told him that I think stress is just to blame for all my muscle tension. I agreed to go to the dr. Matter of fact I had decided that once I leave his office im going to my NP office friend and seeing if she can help me figure out why I hurt so bad and can barely function in the mornings and hold my head up. During the initial visit with the nurse she probably thinks I'm nuts. Crying. Explaining my pain, heart racing, anxiety etc. She said sounds like depression... Well no duh Sherlock I've known I've been dealing with that for months now.. Years actually.. But to me that was just emotional stuff.. More of a mental type situation. Not physical.. My vital signs were perfect of course. They are just gonna think I'm losing my mind I thought. The nurse left and I cried again. Lord please help me. 

A few minutes later my friend comes in. Such a sweet spirit she is. She taught me in nursing school and I knew she was always going to be a blessing to me I just never knew how. Here I am in her office again just falling apart. My mind is tired. I just start crying and tell her I'm at the end and I don't know how much more I can stand. I'd rather go to check in to pine grove than to keep feeling this way. I explained all my pain, tiredness worry of stuff being wrong and my increase in anxiety. Midst the court date coming I knew that how I felt is different than ever. And it was. She showed me this chart. And that's when I realized it's all in my head but now it's become real and im living my emotions.

You see for years I've thought as depression as a mental illness. I've ran from it. Dealt with it but most importantly thought I understood it. Today I was wrong. No mri, no blood test nothing like that could address my problem. I'm in the green according to the diagram and to me that means I've hit rock bottom. I feel like I've lost myself. My sanity is up in the air and im just floating around this world. I looked at her and said I get it now. She prayed. I cried and soon my visit ended. Dr visit turned therapy session and free at that. God surely knows how to open my eyes. 

Yet my eyes still weren't open. I was so down that the light couldn't be seen. I went through the motions of my day but I struggled to pick my head up and could barely enjoy playing with B. B was my hero. He's my shining light and always brings such joy to me as being his mama does. But even that was lost. My body aches in pain. Im drained emotionally and physically. There isn't enough spark in the world right now to help wake me up!! So I went to bed praying for a miracle and so so tired and needing to sleep. 

Today I woke up feeling different but not better. Everything I did was intentional and prayed upon to just help me do better and feel better. 

Every Tuesday I drop B off at school and head to clean a friends house. I arrived as usual and decided instead of music that I would listen to my podcasts today like I normally do. I just felt the need to do so. 

Halfway through my second christian podcast which is based on a woman's personal testimony with depression I hear them say that when something is awesome around the corner that's when Satan is at his best to destroy you and that when you call out to God in prayer that it goes straight to the thrown of the Lord. I cried and looked up and said okay God I see this now. 

I may be battling depression because depression is a real live living thing. But my battle is much more than that. My battle is with evil. Satan who is main goal is to seek and destroy goes after those that he knows God is going to use and has plans for. This my friend is my battle. I may be experiencing a deep depression and feeling the physical pain and symptoms of it but it's only temporary! Satan is trying to use it to distract me. He wants me sad down and discouraged because he wants me to be apart from our God. But today I made a stand! I accept this depression as only temporary.  Because these feelings won't last and a victory is on its way! The closer we get to this victory the harder the enemy works to bring me down. He's using all these lies about me, my life, my healthy my marriage and anything surrounding be that I love and treasure. 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)"

But this to shall pass! God is good and he died to set me free from this pain and sorrow! 

I end with these two quotes because they speak truth! 

Thank you for joining me on this journey and bearing with my bipolar mind to get my thoughts out in some kind of order but being led by the spirit! 

If you are interested in the podcast I listened to today you can find it here at http://godcenteredmom.com/2015/04/13/a-naptime-diary-jessi-connolly-ep-68/

















 

Humbled through humility. Be still my soul part 4

The next day I went to meet with my manager and corporate administration at my current employer and just explained to them the situation and with a huge feeling of sadness turned in my resignation. The good thing about that meeting is they told me to come back after everything was over and I could have my job back. I thanked them as tears rolled down my face and left after giving a few dear coworkers hugs and said goodbye. 

I returned home and had been on the phone a lot that morning. Suddenly at 1pm my attorney called me and gave me the news that I just wanted to crumble to. The state had released a press statement and our local news channel had called the sheriffs department to get info. This was what I had tried to prevent! I wanted this to stay away from the public and protect my family's name. 

One hour later and I received a phone call from my best friend telling me to delete my fb account bc it had gone viral. Just within minutes a news article had struck my hometown and had just been blasted everywhere. News stations all over the country had received access and my face and name had then been crushed. Humiliation filled my heart and soul. I cried... I screamed.. Angry and hurt. Just flat out hurt to have such harsh words spoken about me and attacking my own personal characters! Not to mention the info was second handed and missing some key details. But hey news sales right?? 

That day I couldn't keep up with the calls and texts and visits from friends and family. More support than I had ever imagined. The prayers that washed over us and filled my heart again. 

I knew this journey was just getting started and I knew the only way I would survive was turning to God and letting the Holy Spirit completely take hold of my life. 

It says in his word that with humility brings wisdom and that is surely true and I will start to share everything I've encountered over the past year. Join me for this roller coaster of a ride and listen and learn how God has taken such a tragic event and given me many blessings and opportunities that are just en route to his master plan. 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. They hurt only if you allow them too. I've decided to stand my ground. Stand firm in faith and push forward. 

Goodnight and God bless. 

Peace surpassing all understanding. Be still my soul Part 3.

The next day I woke up anxiously anticipating what the day would bring. Having had not much sleep my body was tired but I had a peace that I can't explain. I knew what was asked of me and that we would do. My husband left first thing that morning to take the 10k in cash that we had gotten my maxing out a credit card and taking out a loan from the bank. The attorney was paid and paid how we came up with the funds. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7 NIV)

This. Scripture held strong to me that morning. The car ride for 30 minutes was just that. Praise music as my husband drove us to the next county and to the jail where we would be meeting those people. We arrived. My husband said a prayer and with fear and the unknown in my eyes we went inside. My attorney had been on the phone that morning and from inside I was taken away from my husband. One kiss and hug that I had no idea if would be my last. The humiliation took place once I left his side. I was placed in handcuffs and shackles and taken to the place where they book criminals. I had been told I would be taken in and then released immediately on bond. So here went the humiliation and fear I never in my life thought I would ever encounter. 

The ladies and workers all gave me stares of wonder and curiosity. I was asked several times why a nurse as myself was being charged with such a malicious crime. I looked at the them and said I honestly have no idea. Finger orinted and placed in an orange jail top I had to take a picture. I've always smiled in my pictures but this picture was a picture of fear and disgust. This was not a picture of me. I sat there chained up 

not knowing what my future would 

hold. The thoughts in my mind were crazy and jumbled. Praying to the Lord to hear my cry the way heard David's cry. Wondering why but feeling like this was just part of the master plan and He had the master key. What would people think? What would I do with work? What about my career? What about my family? What if people find out? Oh the questions. The millions of thoughts running through my mind. 

Why me God? I've been through so much already Lord why me? Why now? This is what I thought over and over. But I knew deep down I had a comforting voice telling me that everything would be ok. 

A few hours later and half my sanity lost I was released on a $10k bond that had been reduced from $40k. I still don't really understand what that means but I praised God we just had $1000 to spend that day and that I was going home. The ride home was silent. Not an awkward silent just a solemn silent. An okay silent. 

It was then I made the decision that I would go to manager and tell her everything going on and resign from nursing to prevent my current employer from reaping anything negative from these circumstances. A very hard decision but I made that call and arranged it for that evening. 48 hours and some odd minutes my life was on a roller coaster and I had no idea what God has in store for me. The next 24 hours however were really about to test my own faith and ability to perservere. Could I face my nightmare of facing the world... 

I'm a broken hot mess. Be still my soul

I am by no means wanting to be a professional or try to compete in the writing world. I am however, wanting to share my own personal story. The story of struggles from being a mom of a 3 year old, a wife and a woman chasing after Gods heart amidst life and the crazy days that are thrown at us. 

For now I want to tell you where I am. I'm definitely not where I was but surely not where I want to be. However I know I'm where God has placed be in this exact moment and I have grown to accept that. 

I live in a tangible world of uncertainty. A world I hope no one I love ever has to partake in. My days come and go and sometimes the only thing I remember that day is praying and the laughs from my sweet boy. Those days I treasure. I see life so differently after the events of this past year. For so long I was on both sides of the fence. But now I'm on Gods side and this is where I will forever stay. 

My mind is somewhere between numb and peaceful and some days I can't slow my thoughts down. Oh to be just normal again I think.. 

Define normal. 

Happy family and a white picket fence? Oh stars no! We all perceive things in a different way. Some people perceive the events in my life as a tragic life altering situation. They are politically correct but the situation has not altered my perception. It's helped me have clarity. Clarity about what you ask? What are these events you speak of? Oh friend I will get to them. Right now im just unleashing the cloud of random thoughts in my mind as I sit here and unwind my day. 

This is what we do as moms and busy women. We need to unwind the craziness. Sadly many won't take the time to do so but I don't want to be i. That group anymore. I just want to rambl. Until I can finally start making sense. Until then... Think on this.