Humble me Lord. Rescue me.

It's been a few weeks since my last post and that post wasn't most uplifting. I was at my breaking point emotionally and physically and that's where I have been the past few weeks... Broken, tired and exhausted. I'm so ashamed for how I have felt, so down and depressed, not able to enjoy the things good in this life and focused so much on everything that's gone wrong that it's clouded my view of Gods blessings. But we are human and his grace is abounding. Though I may feel weak it's by his Grace that gets me out of bed. He makes me strong so that I can do the daily events to be done. 

As I clean each week I have found myself knee deep In Idolatry.. I never really understood what this meant until now.. I clean all these big houses and long for what they have.. I long for the nice houses, big bathrooms and vacations that are being taken. Some days so consumed by my desires that it puts my mind in such a dark place. I start to question God if I am even worth anything.. I mean I'm 30 years old and we struggle from week to week to make ends meet. Some days I wish I could just vanish bc the pain of life is just too much to bear.. I dwell on the past.. I've asked for forgiveness for my past sins but Satan just keeps throwing them in my face and torments me and my thoughts.. I pray daily for a victory! I pray continuously.. But I find myself doubting.. Wondering if I am worthy of the Lords forgiveness.. 

Oh what a mess I am. A selfish mess. I look around me being so caught up in me me me and forget about others around me. God has not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. 1 Timothy 1:7

I know this post is just a hot mess but it's just a direct reflection of what happens when we let Satan win and control our thoughts and when we give in to negative thoughts and selfishness. But today is a glorious day! Today I've got a victory all thanks to my friend sharing Psalm 25 with me.. She asked me how I was doing and I was just honest last night.. No I'm not fine.. I'm in a dark place and fighting some serious battles. A spiritual battle.. So I share with you this scripture in hopes that you find victory in Jesus and find hope amidst your circumstances. 

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good. Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful toward those who keep the demands of his covenant. For the sake of your name, Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who, then, are those who fear the Lord? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose. They will spend their days in prosperity, and their descendants will inherit the land. The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you. Deliver Israel, O God, from all their troubles! (Psalm 25:1-22 NIV)

My prayer today. Father I thank you for the blessings you have placed in my life. The blessings I cannot always see and those that I take for granted. Lord I pray that you will help me recognize your presence in my life and gain wisdom from your word. Lord I turn to you and seek only You today. Forgive me of my faults and failures. Help me to see beyond the past and have hope in the future. I pray that you will protect my family and help me be a shining light to those in darkness. Thank you for all you have done in my heart and all that you are going to do in Jesus name Amen! 

Humbled through humility. Be still my soul part 4

The next day I went to meet with my manager and corporate administration at my current employer and just explained to them the situation and with a huge feeling of sadness turned in my resignation. The good thing about that meeting is they told me to come back after everything was over and I could have my job back. I thanked them as tears rolled down my face and left after giving a few dear coworkers hugs and said goodbye. 

I returned home and had been on the phone a lot that morning. Suddenly at 1pm my attorney called me and gave me the news that I just wanted to crumble to. The state had released a press statement and our local news channel had called the sheriffs department to get info. This was what I had tried to prevent! I wanted this to stay away from the public and protect my family's name. 

One hour later and I received a phone call from my best friend telling me to delete my fb account bc it had gone viral. Just within minutes a news article had struck my hometown and had just been blasted everywhere. News stations all over the country had received access and my face and name had then been crushed. Humiliation filled my heart and soul. I cried... I screamed.. Angry and hurt. Just flat out hurt to have such harsh words spoken about me and attacking my own personal characters! Not to mention the info was second handed and missing some key details. But hey news sales right?? 

That day I couldn't keep up with the calls and texts and visits from friends and family. More support than I had ever imagined. The prayers that washed over us and filled my heart again. 

I knew this journey was just getting started and I knew the only way I would survive was turning to God and letting the Holy Spirit completely take hold of my life. 

It says in his word that with humility brings wisdom and that is surely true and I will start to share everything I've encountered over the past year. Join me for this roller coaster of a ride and listen and learn how God has taken such a tragic event and given me many blessings and opportunities that are just en route to his master plan. 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. They hurt only if you allow them too. I've decided to stand my ground. Stand firm in faith and push forward. 

Goodnight and God bless. 

Peace surpassing all understanding. Be still my soul Part 3.

The next day I woke up anxiously anticipating what the day would bring. Having had not much sleep my body was tired but I had a peace that I can't explain. I knew what was asked of me and that we would do. My husband left first thing that morning to take the 10k in cash that we had gotten my maxing out a credit card and taking out a loan from the bank. The attorney was paid and paid how we came up with the funds. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7 NIV)

This. Scripture held strong to me that morning. The car ride for 30 minutes was just that. Praise music as my husband drove us to the next county and to the jail where we would be meeting those people. We arrived. My husband said a prayer and with fear and the unknown in my eyes we went inside. My attorney had been on the phone that morning and from inside I was taken away from my husband. One kiss and hug that I had no idea if would be my last. The humiliation took place once I left his side. I was placed in handcuffs and shackles and taken to the place where they book criminals. I had been told I would be taken in and then released immediately on bond. So here went the humiliation and fear I never in my life thought I would ever encounter. 

The ladies and workers all gave me stares of wonder and curiosity. I was asked several times why a nurse as myself was being charged with such a malicious crime. I looked at the them and said I honestly have no idea. Finger orinted and placed in an orange jail top I had to take a picture. I've always smiled in my pictures but this picture was a picture of fear and disgust. This was not a picture of me. I sat there chained up 

not knowing what my future would 

hold. The thoughts in my mind were crazy and jumbled. Praying to the Lord to hear my cry the way heard David's cry. Wondering why but feeling like this was just part of the master plan and He had the master key. What would people think? What would I do with work? What about my career? What about my family? What if people find out? Oh the questions. The millions of thoughts running through my mind. 

Why me God? I've been through so much already Lord why me? Why now? This is what I thought over and over. But I knew deep down I had a comforting voice telling me that everything would be ok. 

A few hours later and half my sanity lost I was released on a $10k bond that had been reduced from $40k. I still don't really understand what that means but I praised God we just had $1000 to spend that day and that I was going home. The ride home was silent. Not an awkward silent just a solemn silent. An okay silent. 

It was then I made the decision that I would go to manager and tell her everything going on and resign from nursing to prevent my current employer from reaping anything negative from these circumstances. A very hard decision but I made that call and arranged it for that evening. 48 hours and some odd minutes my life was on a roller coaster and I had no idea what God has in store for me. The next 24 hours however were really about to test my own faith and ability to perservere. Could I face my nightmare of facing the world...