Beauty from ashes

I sit here in the stillness of the early morning. I sit here reflecting and praising my Lord. My what a year it has been and it's almost coming to an end. I am filled with such a thankful heart and a soul of gratitude. Something tugging at my heartstrings to just write again. In the midst of life's chaos, changing diapers and chasing a 4 year old I don't get much time to collect my thoughts enough to write these days. But I do EVERY SINGLE MORNING wake up to study His word and have quiet time before anyone in my house wakes up. It may be 3,4 or 5am but I arise to have my heart and mind strengthened for the day. 

Some days get so chaotic that it's like I've forgotten about that time I woke up to. I'll get I'll tempered, frustrated and find myself filled and consumed with the worry and doubts of life. But it's in the stillness of mornings like this that I can find my center and refill my soul with His  word. So back to reflection....

I don't even know where to start. This time last Christmas I was big as a house carrying two babies that were to me, Gods Promises. At the time I lived in a world filled with uncertainty of their future. Would they be born to a life of freedom? Would their mom be part of their life? Would they be born into a world of chaos? Life was like living on the edge. It was a rollercoaster of a ride. If you aren't familiar with my story look back on my blog and read The verdict. 

A new year began in 2016 full of faith and hope. These were two things in my life that were secure and unwavering. No one could take these away from me. The devil certainly tried but I stood firm with my feet planted on the ground. I was surrounded in life by people that loved me. People that prayed over me, fought for me and had hope in things not seen. They kept me grounded. My family and friends, well the friends that I had gained over the past 2 years, stood by my side in some of the darkest days yet to come. 

February 16 crept up on me like a snail in the dirt. My living nightmare was coming to face me like a giant. 35 weeks pregnant with twins I walked into a courtroom facing the fears that struck me like lightening during a rain storm. 3 days of witnesses, evidence, or lack of is say, and motions that were just foreign to me, passed by with a blur. Media blasted me in the local newspaper. I faced each day listening to I trust in You by lauren Daigle. It gave me strength to face my giants. 

February 19th came, the day of judgement. I came in that morning and just glared at the jury, fear struck me and my body went numb. Contractions were a lot more frequent this morning but according to the day before, my dr appt went smooth and I had not progressed one centimeter. I came prepared that morning to speak and give my testimony, but God had other plans. He had placed it on my attorneys heart apparently to take a different approach. I would no longer be speaking. Filled with relief and anguish at the same time I sighed a release of breath. The morning was long. So very long. After lunch came closing statements and by 3pm the jury would return to their room to decide the fate of my case. However I knew that this battle was already fought. Because the Lord promised to go before me. 

5pm came. There was a knock. The answer was here. As I type this right now my body still shakes and trembles as I remember my emotions that very moment. Everything went quiet. The verdict had been handed to the judge. I couldn't tell by his expression. My heart was racing. I held on to my belly, praying, trembling with fear. Here it goes. The clerk Martin had it in his hands and as he read NOT GUILTY. I could hear the sighs and cries from afar. I buried my face in my hands. Tears flowed down my face. It's over. It's really over Lord. Two words changed my life forever. I gave my attorney the biggest hug of thank you and proceeded to find my family and was greeted with tears and hugs. Friends and family filled the courtroom that day and I'll never forget the love and support that week. 

Of course I was found to be the on the front page of the paper that weekend. But this time I rejoiced and my heart praised Him. My father in law told me this was his most favorite picture of me. I couldn't look at it long bc emotions raged within. I was still in awe and shock of it all. I couldn't sleep for a few nights but finally got rest a few nights later. A night of sleep to recover what the past 3 years had taken away from me. 

This friends is Mercy. This was a second chance to live a life not taken for granted. This was a new beginning. I would never be the same person again. I was redeemed and forever grateful. 

As I continue to reflect.... The blessings just poured in. 

We welcomed our baby girls Kennedy MAE and Kailyn Ruth March 7, 2016. Healthy baby, healthy mama. They were perfect. They were my gifts from the Lord. His promises fulfilled. My life would never be the same. They immediately brough such joy to our lives. 

It's rumored that God won't place more on you than you can handle. However this is a false statement. Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days and SATAN tempted Him 3 times. But Jesus stood firm on the Word of God. Life will throw us curveballs. Life will be unbearable and you WILL be given more than you can handle or bear. It's at that moment in weakness that He makes you strong. On days when you feel you can't go on He picks you up and carries you. He carried me for 3 years. Not a day went by that I got up and walked alone. He too, will carry you my friend. All we have to do is Ask! On to more reflecting... 

In May a dear friend of mine asked me about my nursing license and if I planned on returning to work. I laughed at the thought and didn't think one second of working with so much on my plate. Parenting twins is no joke! But something in the back of my mind had me start the process of reinstating my license. I figured it would be an easy process but boy was I wrong. After phone calls, emails and letters from my attorney, the board of nursing finally responded. It was some months later we received the date of October 11th for a hearing regarding my license. I was advised I didn't have to be present for that day. It was gonna be Another few months of waiting. 

After having the girls in March I went into a state of hypomania. You see I'm a manic depressant and no I'm not ashamed. Mental illness has a history in my family. My mom and brother both suffered from this disorder. However they don't and didn't have the self awareness that I've got. I choose to get help and treatment. For 3 months I stayed busy and active and nonstop from teaching spin, cleaning houses and caring for my family. But something changed. Boy did it change. July came and towards the end of the month a huge cloud of darkness plagued me. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I had dealt with depression before but this was different. This went on for weeks and only got worse. I wouldn't shower for days or wash my hair. I had no strength for the gym and quit going altogether for the month of august. I completely shut down. I didn't want to take care of my family nor the girls. I wanted to just crawl into a hole and sleep. But I couldn't do that. So much now is a blur bc I wasn't in my right state of mind. September came and the darkness was too much to bear. Everyone around me was worried. I didn't know how much longer I could go on like this. I tried numbing the pain but it just came back stronger. I sought treatment September 15th for a couple of days to gain my life back. The longest few days ever. But God had already worked out the details. He was with me and my family that week. He stirred in my heart. I never quit praying and having my quiet time during those dark times. 

Bipolar depression and post partum depression are no joke. Combined led to a hot mess. I felt so ashamed bc here I was free from chains and blessed with beautiful babies yet I couldn't shake this darkness. So many people suffer in silence. Ashamed to get help or reach out to someone they trust. I knew that if I didn't get help that I'd become another statistic and I knew in my heart that was not Gods plan. I was battling a physical and emotional and spiritual battle. I turned to Ephesians 6 many days in order to fight this battle. Many days of healing would take place before I'd regain myself again. 

I started walking soon after and found it to be the best medicine. It made me feel alive again and gave me energy. I finally returned to the gym at the end of September. It was a gradual process. I was still battling my inner demons of self image and losing this baby weight. But the first step to health is becoming more active. Surrounding yourself with upbeat positive people is the second step. Back to reflecting... 

October 11th finally came. I heard nothing. The following day.. nothing. 

Thursday morning October 13th I received an email from my attorney. The board of nursing had granted my request for reinstatement!  Praise the Lord!!! I was filled with excitement! That night I began looking at jobs just for the fun of it. No plan in sight. So I began the process online to get my license back. During my legal situation it had been temporarily suspended pending the verdict. They granted my license back with no restrictions nor discipline. This was such a blessing and another answered prayers. My patience had grown stronger and stronger. 

Finally after weeks of waiting in November the Tuesday before thanksgiving I Checked the website one more time. To my surprise there it was. The word "ACTIVE" registered nurse. Oh to see those words. I stood amazed and in awe at Gods timing. 

A few weeks back I had applied and sent in my resume into a company called Forward Health Solutions. Remember my friend back in May that had asked about me going back to work and what was going on with my license?? Well She's the reason I even had the back thought of what if. For the past 6 months or so they had been interviewing people for a part time position but had yet to fill this position. She had suggested to me to send in my resume and the following Monday I received a phone call. Followed by an interview I soon accepted the job offer. This was all Gods timing. They accepted me for who I was and my past didn't affect what the Lord had planned. He had led me to this place and was working out the details. Thank you Deanna for remaking faithful and persistent in nudging me in the right direction. Had you never mentioned nursing as an option back in May I'd never have initiated the process to regain my career. I'm so thankful for you and these new beginnings! 

I've sat here for the past two hours writing to you and rambling. I've reflected on some of life's biggest moments for me this year. Looking back everything has been like a puzzle and all the pieces fit where they belong. I may not be exactly where I want to be but I'm definitely not where I use to be. God has me exactly where he wants me to be though and I'm trusting Him as he paves the way. 

Hard times will come. We will experience loss, pain, rejection, struggles and doubt. We live in a dark world. But everyday we wake up we have a choice to be the light. Be the light that shines in someone's life. Share life's ups and downs with those you love and trust. Don't keep things bottled up inside. If you are struggling with your own battle of depression, seek help. And do it asap! God gave us wisdom and resources so we need to take advantage of those in times of need. You don't have to wallow in the darkness. You are made for so much more. I'm made for so much more than I give myself credit for. 

I don't write this story for sympathy! I write it to share my testimony that God is on your side. Even when he feels the most distant he's there. He's real. My life is proof there is a living and breathing Lord! A Savior! 

The older I get the wiser I become. The more Christmas really means to me. Sunday we celebrate Jesus's birth. God sent his only Son to save us from a world full of sin and darkness. How wonderful is that. All of the pain, hurt and defeat in my life has been washed away because my Savior was born. He bore all my sins and suffered for you and me. He is the only true medicine. He cleanses us and renews us. You can't truly experience life until your heart knows Him personally. I'm so thankful that I know Him and that he's been by my side this year, my whole life. 

I pray that God uses me and my story for His honor and glory. I pray that he encourages you through whatever storm you are going through. I pray that He renews your mind and strengthens your heart. 

Here's to a new year. 2017 I'm ready for you! I welcome you with open arms and excitement of what's to come. Mold me and make me into the person you created me to be. 

He's turned my story into beauty from ashes. 

God bless and Merry Christmas! 🎄 

My Story. A renewed spirit after being broken. I'm free!

Hello to you all. It's been several months since we have spoken. The girls are napping this Sunday morning so it's time to share. So much has gone on I really don't know quite where to start. So I'll give you a brief summary of events following My last post back in June. See I'm a manic depressant and I tend to write more when I'm on a high of life. My mind runs so quickly that the only way to settle my thoughts is to write them out. That was my state of mind after having my twins back in March this year. I came home roaring and ready to go. Counting the days until I was able to go outside and back to the gym to start my journey back to a healthier mama. This was only the beginning of a blur of a few months. 

It was around July the girls were around 4 months that I noticed my energy declining and mood shifting. See after every hypomanic episode comes a season of darkness. But the lows usually only lasted no more than a month and I was beginning to prepare myself for the next few weeks. Dr visits, counseling sessions and adjustments with my medications. A month came and went, my activity level started to drop, my obligations started to fade away and my life perception was altered. Something wasn't right. I was not ok. 

August came and I was struggling. The twins were 5 months and were growing so fast. Days and nights were a blur and my days were just running together. I couldn't keep up. I was tired. From cleaning houses, working out, teaching spin classes and maintaining a family I was stretched to my limit. How did I get this way? Well back during my hypomanic episode after the girls were 2 months I took on a tad too many responsibilities. But I had energy for days and major focus! However that time had came and gone. I now found myself in the pit of depression, exhausted and aching from head to toe. But this was no regular depression. I was irritable, my patience wore thin with my kids, I was having several occasions of irrational thoughts, I found myself telling God I couldn't be the mom He wanted me to be, I felt like a failure and just quite frankly was ready to throw in the bucket. 

 

No one tells you about this part of life. No one tells you it can hit you at anytime, any second or any day. See they wanna keep things covered up so that what you see on social media is how things "really are." But I'm here to tell you life is real. This is real. It is real. What is it?? 

Postpartum depression. It hit me like a massive sack of bricks around 5 months. I guess for a long time I was in denial. I just figured I was going through a low with my illness. It wasn't until a few articles and my husband suggesting it that I came to realize what I was dealing with was not my normal. Nothing was helping, nothing was getting better. I was a month and a half in and in the darkest place of my life. I felt like I was outside my body just going through the motions. Inside me was like fighting a demon. Seriously this may sound crazy coo coo but I was in a battle. A spiritual battle within my body, heart and mind. I didn't want to take care of myself, much less care for my 4 year old, 6 month old twins or my husband. What I did do took all the energy and willpower I had. Pale skin, dark eyes and a weeping spirit I knew that I could not function like this much longer. I couldn't bare to live in this state. Some days I just couldn't even deal. Iwas coping in ways that were outta control. My life was falling apart and I couldn't pick up the pieces. Everyone around me was suffering. My poor babies needed their mama and she wasn't there, not the way she needed to be. Something needed to change. I was in a bad place. 

So I got help. The hardest thing to do in life is admitting our weaknesses and asking for help. But I didn't ask for help, I begged for it. I cried out to my God to save me from this pit. 4 days away from the ones I love was the hardest time of my life. Feeling like a failure I continued going through the motions. But God knew what he was doing. He was still in control through all of this. The first day of my stay my nurse looked familiar. Come to find out we had worked together when I was fresh out of nursing school. First time I felt Gods presence in weeks. Second thing that happened and still gives me chills is this: I walked up to the nursing station to talk to my nurse. She told me "that I reminded her so much of a friend she went to high school with." I kinda shrugged it off but she said it a second time so I went on to ask " Well who's your friend? Where did you go to high school?" She then proceeded to tell me the name Sandra Dixon ajnd Oak Grove High school. My eyes fixed on her and my heart skipped a beat. "That's my mama." (Whom passed away some 16 years ago) Wow. God had sent me my own angel to care for me those two days. I'll never forget it. See he knows our days and has them planned ahead of time. He knew where I'd be that day and time and ordained a God given meeting. Soon afterwards my spirit began to lift. It was definitely an experience those 4 days. I'll never forget them. I came home ready to take on the world again. Healing one day at a time. New perspective. Well that lasted 24 hours. Friday morning I woke up feeling down again and would continue feeling that way until a week or so later. 

 

With continued, hard prayer and a good nights rest I finally woke up one morning feeling refreshed. I went for a walk one Thursday afternoon and that my friend has been 5 weeks ago. That walk changed my life. It was nothing special but it was breathing fresh hair and the Holy Spirit renewing my soul. 

It's been a day by day kind of healing but it's healing. Healing from pit of darkness, healing from the post partum depression and healing from fighting that inner demon within me. I'm so thankful I didn't give up and most importantly that He didn't give up on me. For the past 3 years I had endured pain and heartache with periods of depression but had NEVER experienced anything like this before. I guess time finally caught up with me. My finely trimmed and groomed outside appearance of life had finally became transparent. Satan beat me and beat me but never defeated me. He knew something BIG was around the corner and didn't want me around to be part of it. 

 

Two weeks ago after a month of attempting contact the nursing board met regarding my license. They would determine if it would be reinstated or not. A HUGE day! If you don't know he other part of my story check out Part 3 below. They met on a Tuesday. My attorney and I emailed back and forth regarding it but no word until Thursday morning. I had just dropped off my son at preschool and was headed home. I checked my email while waiting at a redlight and when I read it I bout rear ended the truck in from of me. It went on to tell me that they had decided to reinstate my license and that my file would have nothing negative on it and no restrictions on my license. I started balling my eyes out. Wow! This is it! This is the last part of this chapter of my life! All that I've been through was for this VERY MOMENT! God spoke peace into my heart that second and said "Be still and know that I am God." I been still Lord for far too long and what a blessing to be shown grace and mercy. I gave him all the honor and praise. That day I declared victory over my life. Another burden removed from life. Here I was a sinner saved by Grace living His testimony of faith right then. 

This picture shows it all. It's the last piece of this miserable puzzle of the past 3 years of my life! I can finally breathe and rest at night fully! 

People say God won't give you more than you can handle but that's not accurate. God will allow way more than you can handle or bear. During that time is when He is molding and creating you into the person that He wants you to be! Through trials, loss, struggles, and defeats He is always there. When you feel he is gone He is there. When you are at the end of your road He meets you there. When you can't get out of bed in the mornings He lifts the sheets and pulls your legs out from under the covers!! God is there! He's is REAL YALL! He is faithful when we remain faithful! 

During those hard couple of months postpartum I encountered I stayed steadfast in my bible. I read it daily. I studied it. I wrote out my prayers. The enemie never ceased! The days my prayers were stronger he fought harder. The days I couldn't bare to hang on he kept stepping on my fingers. But I continued to pray and plead the name of Jesus over my life and my family! I may have felt like giving up but I never not ONCE gave up! Just like the story of Job who lost everything God remained faithful! I was reminded of this scripture soon after I posted my freedom on Facebook. It's a beautiful scripture of God remaining faithful. 

“The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.

After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭42:12, 16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Whomever is reading this, wherever you are in your life. GOD IS FAITHFUL! He sent his Son to die on the cross to save us from a world of sin and sorrow. His blood shed that day covered all the heartache and pain we would feel! The day He arose is a reminder that GOD IS FAITHFUL! Remain faithful my friend. Remain faithful! 

; This story isn't over yet! It's just beginning! 

I am Redeemed 

By Big Daddy Weave 

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son

Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy

Named by the voice of my shame and regret

But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"

I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me

'Cause his day is long dead and gone

Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be

Jesus, I'm not who I used to be

'Cause I am redeemed

Thank God, redeemed

 

Double minded. Random thoughts of a manic depressive.

It's taken me a lot of courage to speak out about living life with bi polar. Scared of what people may think and how people will see me afterwards. But how can I bring awareness to mental health by living in a bubble. 

Living in the funk is what I call it. There really is no balance. Life can change in a matter of seconds and your happy cheerful mood is replaced with feeling blah and blue. There is a pretty consistent pattern of highs and lows yet sometimes you are plagued with an Intolerable amount of negative emotions. 

Here I am now. Faced with the dark cloud. It's come over me like a thunderstorm on a summer day. It was just sunshine and blue skies outside. Why must I feel this way? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't get a grip. Sinking further and further down. It's days like these that I wish I could stay in bed. But instead I have to put on my happy face and get out in the world. Days like the past few days where I don't know who I am. I feel yuck. Struggling. To hold my eyes open bc the negative emotion drains me and I feel exhausted mentally. 

I drag myself up and down outta bed every night to comfort crying babies. Lord are you sure this is the life for me I ask? I tear up from all the screaming.. Crying babies overwhelm my mind. But I stay strong and comfort them back to sleep. One at a time. Then comes morning.. 

Another day.. Another day to come where I drag myself out of bed. Lacking the energy and motivation I need to get up. I'm seriously wishing I could just wrap myself in a bubble right now. But I'm a mom, a wife and advocate for life. I must get up and put on my happy face. If only I could find my happy place in life again. I know this won't last long. But it seems like forever. I. Can't. Even. Think. Straight. 

You see bipolar type 2 is known for its depressive state. The highs and lows fluctuate even being on medication it still fluctuates. Things would be alot worse if I wasn't on meds you see. Most of the time when we here bipolar with think of a crazy person going off the deep end. A person of mood shifts and angry outburst, tons of relationships and impulsive spending. This however describes the manic part of bipolar. We don't hear a lot of the depression associated with being diagnosed with such disorder. But for me the depression is what I'm hit hard with. It happens for NO REASON! Coming every couple of weeks. The battle is real and without warning..

Life suffers when I am faced with this episode. That's what it is an episode. It is short lived but heavily onset. Going from highly motivated to sluggish and slow to role all within a matter of minutes. 

How to deal? I pray a lot and talk to the Lord. I get my strength from Him to endure the challenging times ahead. I rely on my devotions to uplift me. I surround myself with positive motivated people. I lean on close friends to speak life to me. I'm not very verbal about it but those that are around me know when this strikes. I let things go that I'm normally on top of. Laundry piles up. My house is a hot mess..(well hot mess for normal) I don't wash my hair for days and I avoid mirrors at all cost. The struggle with losing baby weight is high on my radar so it's a big disaster some days. I just wake up each day with a decision to over come the what seems like impossible state of mind. I exercise daily and always start out dreading it but leave feeling accomplished. My diet has a lot to do with the severity of my depression too. If I eat high fat, carb overload and unhealthy stuff I feel weighed down. But if my diet is wholesome my mood is elevated some. I try to get good sleep at night but with the twins that's near impossible since moving them to their beds. I choose to recognize and cope. I deal with the emotions running through my mind. Some days I recluse to my house. I'm quiet to talk and you may not hear from me for days. I tune out life. 

It's a battle. But it's not what defines me. I'm only human and sometimes life is just messed up. We are dealt the cards but how we choose live regardless of obstacles says a lot about our inner integrity and character. 

For now I drink my spark and  get dressed for the day to come! It's Wednesday and today is spin! I have folks counting on me to motivate! It keeps me going! 

Here's to random thoughts and living a double minded kinda life. I wonder how many others struggle with this bc it's frowned upon in society to even discuss it out loud. 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness. That's a lot of people! Becoming aware of our emotions and not being controlled by them is what we can do to be different! Being supportive to one another and realizing that sometimes just having an understanding ear is all that person needs. 

For now I'll continue fighting the lowest of lows and striving to make it to the top of the mountain! Today I'll be me! The best version of me I can be. 

Let Freedom Ring!!

Today is the day we celebrate freedom for our country. We celebrate and remember those that gave their life for our freedom. Today I celebrate with you but In a whole new way. I celebrate with you the freedom of life. The freedom of circumstances. What does the term freedom really mean? We can throw the word around all day today but let's look at the definition...

Freedom as Google defines-

free·dom

ˈfrēdəm/

noun

1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

   "we do have some freedom of choice"

   • absence of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government.

     "he was a champion of Irish freedom"

     synonyms:

     independence, self-government, self-determination, self-rule, home rule, sovereignty, nonalignment, autonomy; democracy "revolution was the only path to freedom"

   • the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

     "the shark thrashed its way to freedom"

     
     
     

     The synonyms given for the term freedom are liberation, Liberty, deliverance. We have been delivered. But let's take it a step further. What is it in life that has you imprisoned? Held captive? Is it finances? Relationships? Addiction? Spiritual turmoil? The list goes on. For me this time last year I was held prisoner by my circumstances. I let them take over me and control my mind for so long. It's easy to fall into the trap of imprisonment of life and chaos when we are attempting to walk alone. We let the weight of the world sink into us. We become victims of our own choices and decisions. We feel like slaves to our jobs, households, marriage or children. But it doesn't have to be this way.  Today we celebrate freedom. Most think of the 4th of July as one big party or fireworks. But for some of us freedom is defined as a personal victory. It's defeating the odds. It's defeating cancer. It's overcoming grief of a loved one. It's defeating the need to please and to be comfortable in our own skin. It's celebrating freedom from depression or anxiety that had us gripped by the neck. We all share something in common. We chose to overcome.  My devotion this morning spoke of not letting our battles become who we are. "The truth is, we get to choose whether or not we will remain a victim. We can’t change what happened to us yesterday but we can decide where we will go from here." "We can either continue to focus on the obstacles and find excuses that will keep us stuck in the conditions and mindsets that perpetuate our sense of victimhood, or we can stand up, take responsibility for what is ours, and walk towards freedom and healing." Words spoken so true! She goes on to give the example of the paralyzed man for 38 years that for years kept throwing every excuse for his problems.

     When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” How many of us are just like this man? We feel captive by our emotions and situations but really what we need is for Jesus to tell us to GET UP! Get up and move!  We do not have to be held captive! We can be free. Free to worship. Free to praise and free to live the life God intended us to live!  Today celebrate your freedom through Jesus! Not only celebrate the country's declaration from independence but celebrate your freedom through Jesus Christ! Break free from the chains that are holding you down! No more putting on your happy face but put own your armor everyday to defeat the battles of life. Wherever you are today you may be happy, sad or mad. But choose your definition of freedom. Let it ring! Listen to Martina Mcbrides song Independence Day. Let it be your soundtrack for the day! Celebrate life. Celebrate YOU! You are worthy friend!

     ‭ ‭ John‬ ‭5:6-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

July. The month of unexplained promises and Mental Health awareness . Part 1 of my story.

July is the month that last years brought many promises and changes in our life. I'll never forget this certain week in general. I had gone on a Monday to visit a dear friend. Something felt off but I figured it was just time for my cycle.. We laughed and carried on for a couple of hours and before I left I joked about wanting to be pregnant. 

Tuesday came. No cycle. 

Wednesday came. July 15 2015  I'll never forget that day. I felt odd. Something was up. I'm late for my cycle. Could it be?? NOOOO it's just not the right time in my life right now. It's filled with chaos and turmoil and the fear of the unknown. A few minutes later I drove to Walgreens. We didn't have much money at the moment so I may have spent our last $20 on a pregnancy test. I hurried home. 

Waiting. Waiting. I prayed "Lord if this be your will for my life right now I'll accept whatever result pops up." 

There it appeared. Pregnant. Excitement filled my insides for several minutes. Then I sent the pic to my hubby. "Is that real?" He asked. "Yep!" I replied. Then just sat in awe. Wow Lord are you sure about this? I mean my life is so unpredictable right now. That's when he spoke to me clear as day and said "My child I promise you everything will be alright! You are going to be a mom again and will be here to raise your children." That was a promise. I felt peace and the giddiness took over followed by fear. The devil started playing mind games with me. Telling me others would think I was crazy to bring a child into the world right now with my situation. The questions of my future, prison, court, the battles were real. 

Later that day I received an email from my attorney Tracy. He informed me we had been denied a motion that could have been a breaking point in my case. I was so discouraged. Here I am newly pregnant with a future not looking so bright. I felt deep down everything would be ok but the facts of not knowing we're just stinking reality. 

It was a few days later that I realized being denied that motion was a sign. It happened the very day that the Lord spoke promises to me. This child was no mistake and most importantly was given to me in a time of dyer need to feel loved and wanted again. 

I don't speak of these things often. For fear of what others would think but I will not hold back any longer. I went into this pregnancy a different person than I was with my first. I was a depressed, manic type 2 bi polar diagnosed woman struggling. I decided to come off my medicine since I found out I was pregnant. 

Not a good idea. Almost 3 weeks into my pregnancy I could barely drag myself out of bed. I was in such a dark pit. Questioning everything. I went to my psych doctor and saw my OB dr and told them what the deal wAs. Soon after I started back on my medicine. Took almost a month to gain myself back. Bad choice there. I'm type two Bipolar which means instead of long periods of mania I suffer from long periods of the depressed state. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain. Not self diagnosed but noticed by my therapist I saw for 2 years. This my friends is real life. So many folks we know struggle and suffer in silence. I want to break that silence. 

No longer embarrassed to know that mental health is a real thing. I ran from it for far too long. Scared to End up like my mother. Found out It's also genetic. My mom and my my brother had it. I surely hope to not pass it down to my children. I don't wish this madness on anyone. But after years of impulsive spending, relationships and decisions I've finally got a grip on my life. When I feel the darkness gripping me I pray harder. I mean on my redeemer to bring me out of the pit! 

July I learned A lot that month. I learned to accept myself for who I am. I learned that the Lord gives us promises in specific ways. I learned to start speaking up and being real with my emotions. I learned that the next 9 months would be the hardest 9 months of my life! Only to have a surprise thrown in there halfway during it. Stay tuned to more promises the Lord showed me. How God has a since of humor and how I dealt with pregnancy, mental health disorders and tragedy all wrapped into one big basket. 

God bless. 

I

 

 

When you change your mind, you will change your life.

 

I read a blog a few minutes ago about a post of God giving you more than you can handle. So many of us, myself included tend to use that phrase "God will never give us more than we can handle." It's thrown around during trials and struggles and we just shove it down people's heads like we have nothing else to say. I guess because it just sounds good and we don't know what else to say. 

I ate these words over the past few years. I learned that God will give us or allow us to be given more than we can handle. More than we can stand or bear. There will come a time in your life when you are dealt a nasty deck of cards. Your struggle may not be the same as your friends or co workers. It may not feel the same as another time of struggle. But it will come. We are human. Life sucks sometimes. The older we get in life the more we will see many things and see our loved ones hurt. 

Death of a loved one. 

Addiction. 

Eating disorders. 

Car wrecks. 

Natural disasters. 

Divorce. 

Sick kids. 

Sick parents. 

Being falsely accused of a crime. (Based on my personal experience!) 

The list goes on. The pain cuts deep and the struggle is real. 

Yes bad things happen. This is only a minut example of them. This has been you or may be you one day dealing with a certain situation. The problem in today's world is how we react to hard times. Most of the time it's easy to just give up and give in. Giving in to those feelings of poor me. I've been through so much in this lifetime. We become focused on the negative in life and can't see past it when something positive happens. What we feed our mind will change our heart. It runs our lives. If you feed on the negative you will be in a constant state of depression. Depression is a real thing y'all! It can be a side effect of hormones, your circumstance or a chemical imbalance in your brain. But it's real. It's given life when you allow what's going on to have power over you. When you are clinging to your own energy and self instead of clinging to the cross. 

Hundreds of thousands of Christians battle with depression everyday. I myself have fought depression my whole life. But here recently after taking back over my life and mind I've come to realize that depression lies deep within us and can beat us up only if we allow it too. Only if we are fighting the battle by ourselves. 

When we let go and let God life appears to us in a different manner. We can breathe again, sleep again and enjoy life again. Another saying we here all the time. What is it like to truly let go? That's another topic for a different day. But no seriously.. If we learn, teach ourselves to truly trust in the Lord life is much more peaceful. It is a daily taught lesson to learn to do. You won't get it overnight! Took me 3 years to really learn how to trust God. 

I battled this for the past 3 years as I was fighting a battle that I could never see the end coming. I never knew what life was going to bring me and lived in a degree of uncertainty. It was not a way to live. But it was reality during that time. 

People would tell me God won't leave me or give me more than I could handle. But I found this to be inaccurate. I was given more than I could imagine in a lifetime. I was dealt a crappy deck of cards. But it only was a season of life. I learned so much about myself and about my faith during the past couple of years. I learned to change my way of thinking and that if we wake up with a positive attitude regardless that life will be much calmer. 

We control our thoughts. We control the way we think. Our mind is a powerful tool. Did you know that you can decide how you are going to think that day? Try it. Wake up and no matter how groggy, how tired you are tell yourself today is going to me AWESOME! This can affect your life forever. 

Today no matter your circumstance know that God loves you and He is the ONLY one that will and can bring you through it. You are a child of the Lord and he will never leave you nor forsake you. 

Today change your mind to love yourself again. Today appreciate your struggle bc through it God will get the glory. He will get the glory bc you trusted in Him during  the hard times. You will love yourself more if you are your own personal cheerleader! 

Let go and let God! Never say God won't give us more than we can handle bc in the end He will and hearing that is by far the most non comforting sentence you can say to someone. Just saying. 

Have a blessed day. 

 

My story. Life after tragedy! The questions I have answers to!

So the other day I started writing the rest of my story by sharing the end of it first. I have so much to say regarding those circumstances, but will write that at another time. Here's what happened after the verdict and where I am today. 

The night of February 19, 2016 was a night I had forgotten about. It was calm. It was silent. You could here a pin drop and hear my heart pound. Still stricken with panic even after I was given the not guilty verdict by 12 strangers. It was a restless night. Replaying the last 4 days over in my mind. Still scared that at any moment I was going to disappear into a strange cold cell. Fear. That's all it was. My therapist said it was normal to suffer such anxiety after a huge trauma in my life. So this went on for 4 nights in a row. Me nor my husband slept at all. I was exhausted and by this time 36 weeks pregnant with our twin girls. Something had to give. 

Finally some rest a week after the verdict. Finally sleep. Finally a night of being somber and full of peace. Why had the Lord allowed such a tragic thing to take over my life? Why me? Why my family? The hurt the anguish. But then that one day finally came after. Peace that surpasses all understanding. The scripture I clung to during the last 3 years finally made sense. I finally felt peace and tasted freedom again. The hymn victory in Jesus played on my mind. 

Soon after things returned to our new normal I had a sweet dear friend of mine, my sons preschool teacher give me a beautiful painting. With a song Free to worship by Eddie James written on the back of it. Oh the tears I cried listening to that song! If you have never heard it please go listen to it now. Tears of pure joy. What a precious soul to paint such a brilliant picture for me during the hardest trial id ever encountered. Here's a snapshot of that painting! I tried taking a picture but my camera is full! Figures! 

It was that song that brought my mind back to reality and help me process everything that had gone on the past week! So thankful for all the friends that supported me and prayed for me during that time! 

March 7th 2016 at 12:49 we welcomed our first baby girl Kennedy Mae into the world and 1 minute later her sister Kailyn Ruth came into the world! My precious miracle gifts from the Lord. Here's my family that day. 

These pictures reflect Gods master plan! We live the blue print but he's got the hard copy of our lives planned out hair by hair and beat by beat! Both of our girls were healthy! I made it to 38 weeks and 3 days without being dilated one centimeter after all the stress of the trial! Incredible! He was with me the entire time. The times I felt mistaken, depressed, used and forgotten He was there! Always! 

I mean what are the odds of having twins?! Randomly! Spontaneously!? With my circumstances?? It was not the ideal situation. But I said from the beginning this is Gods promise to me. And he fulfilled that promise. ❤️ 

Here are some questions people have asked me I thought I would share. 

Where am I today??

Busy!! My baby girls are 3 1/2 months now! Life is crazy busy! Monday through Friday we are all at the Ymca working out. This keeps me sane! Soon after I started working out there a position to teach fitness classes came available! My love for spin has always pushed me. Here I am today teaching spin class every Wednesday morning at 9 am! Such a blessing! Getting paid to do what I love most! Never thought in a million years I'd get the opportunity to pursue my dreams but they door opened and I gladly took it! Thanks Ann and Catherine for having faith in me and giving me this chance! Not only will it help whip me in shape and keep me accountable but it also allows me to encourage and motivate others! My favorite part! 

Do I still have my nursing license? 

Yes, though it's temporally suspended due to situation and I need to get that taken care of this year sometime. I still am/ will be a nurse, an RN forever! It's in my soul down deep. I miss it terribly. But it's a door God has chosen to close for now. 

Will I ever nurse again? 

Later when the kids are all in school I may go back to school to become a nurse practitioner or will get a clinic job with good hours. But it will be a long time if I ever go back. Being stung puts a sour taste in my mouth for a while. 

Do I forgive the two co workers and nurses that made those accusations against me? 

Yes I forgave them a long time ago. I was bitter for a long time until I realized what was keeping me that way. I forgave both he and she. I'll never understand why I was used as an example in the medical field. Coworkers are not always true friends. Learned that the hard way. But I pray that they saw Jesus through all of this and that their hearts closer to the Lord. 

Why didn't I testify? I planned on testifying that Friday morning. I had pushed myself up to do so. I wanted them to hear my side. My attorney suggested not doing so. I listened to him. 

Did the doctors charge for their testimony? No. None of the doctors on my side charged me anything. A huge blessing bc we had already spent thousands of dollars related to this. I think this spoke millions about them. They did it out of the goodness of their hearts and spoke the truth. 

Do I watch the news? I finally can again. Very seldom do I bc they blasted my name for the world to see and didn't think twice about it. I cringe and feel sorry for every person I see shared across social media. You never get the whole story! So quit sharing articles you read folks! They only hit the highlights that sell! 

Why cleaning houses? 

I love to clean! I'm good at it! And it's easy money! It's a ministry in itself to serve and help other families live a better non cluttered kind of life! ❤️

These are several questions I've gotten over the past few months! If you have a specific question email me and I'll write about it! My life is open book. I truly believe it's being used to glorify my God and to shine a light in the darkness! 

Life now is full of changing diapers, babies crying, chasing a 4 year old, fixing dinner, meal prep, healthy lifestyle changes, running, cleaning Houses, AdvoCare, classes at the Ymca and going to church! I still clean a few houses on the side and love my AdvoCare! It's been a total blessing through all of this! Food on the table kind of blessing! So yeah.. Everyday is like a box of chocolate! You never know what your gonna get! :) 

Have a blessed day!